Well-mannered folk of all genders, I present: my grandmother

[justira]

For background information: my grandmother is a selfish, abusive person. She was my caretaker for large chunks of my childhood and abused me emotionally my whole life, just as she abused my mother (who abused me in turn, surprise!) and abuses my little sisters whenever she's around them. She is simply toxic to everyone around her. I have recently (

Comments

[squeemu]

Do not engage.

It makes total sense for you to feel kind of bad about this -- it's always hard to cut people out of your life, especially people you've known for a really long time. Especially people who have done things for you. But. You are under absolutely no obligation to keep in touch with people who make you feel like shit. And sending people who make you feel like shit birthday gifts is a way of interacting with them, or rather, it gives them an opportunity to interact with you.

Sending this email to you was a way for your grandmother to keep you tied to her. There's no way you can win anything if you reply back. Not love or respect or understanding or revenge or anything.

...my opinion.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. D:

[justira]

Thank you =\

I understand the principles, it's just... hard to deal with the realities, I guess. Surprise! Actual non-theoretical life is hard!

Choosing to actively keep her out of my life was a really difficult decision. Besides the whole culturally conditioned thing about how I am supposed to love and be grateful to family and caretakers, it was really hard knowing that (a) it would hurt her and (b) it might hurt my parents and sisters because my grandma would lash out at them over me.

I dealt with (b) by assuring myself that my parents are likewise people with agency who can choose to keep in contact with her or not, and laying this all out for them and asking them, as as folk with agency, to tell me what they would be comfortable with/what they needed in this respect for their sake and the sake of my sisters.

But I still have a hard time with (a). She's directly responsible for so many of my emotional problems, but I guess... I guess I just wish there were a way to just cut the tie, bam, go from whatever to nothing at all, no

[cap]

A friend of mine has a sticker in his lab that says "I want to move to theory. Everything works there." Actual life is hard, and cutting away toxic influences is really really really hard when they are family. I try to avoid my father, I tell my mother I want no contact with him, and I don't, but in reality...

That said, do not answer the email. Once you have done that, you have legitimized her position. She now has a mutually accepted point to argue from, and therefore you lose. It's so tough, but it is the only choice if you want to protect yourself.

I wish you the best on this. It sucks.

[katmillia]

:((((

Toxic people are best left not in your life, I agree. I hope it works out and you can avoid getting into things with her. ♥

[justira]

Thank you! I hope things get better for you, too; sounds like a tough time for a lot of folk. Good luck ♥

[justira]

Thank you on both counts! I don't actually have time/energy to celebrate lately so I... didn't really do anything? We can commute my bday celebration to otakon, okay? >.>

[shuraiya]

BITCH YOU'RE GOING TO OTAKON????????

[3_2_1]

Click on the gmail archive button, or wherever you put these things so they're out of your inbox and ignore.

[3_2_1]

Also, happy belated birthday!

[annanaka]

Oh god. Sounds like MY grandmother, except she is slightly less evil, but when she does strike, she strikes in the form of LONG hand written Russian letters about how fucking worthless I am...

Don't respond. Forget it happened. You deserve better.

Also, happy birthday...