Gravity, Chapter Two
Fandom: UKISS
Rating: PG (NC-17 overall)
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 2/9
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.
San Francisco is nothing like New York City. I mean, some things are pretty much the same. You've still got skyscrapers and that big city feel. I guess that's kind of unavoidable. Some of the buildings are still crowded together in the same way. Some of them old, some of them new. It's a little dirty in places, pretty in others. The beach is cold, the people a bit warmer. City.
Other than that, it's just hills. Hills, and a lot of business. Eight hundred thousand people, less than a tenth the population of Seoul but all still spread out over about the same area. You can tell. Everything feels emptier, even when it's busy. Not in a bad way. Freer, maybe. Just a little. Not in a bad way, but maybe like there's more room for things to happen. Possibilities. Maybe even the chance of me actually succeeding with this crazy-ass plan of mine.
I almost forgot what it felt like to be excited. Right now, that excitement is nervous tension. I've been a mess for so long that this one thing is enough to give me some sort of purpose. I'll be damned if I'm letting go of that feeling even for a minute.
It's not a good thing. Not really. This feeling, I mean. God only knows what will happen if I actually find him. I don't really have a plan. I probably should, but I don't. And that "if" on whether or not I find him is a pretty big thing.
When I came out here, I arrived with nothing but the knowledge he gave me. A couple of tweets that he made back when he was still with the group. Some pictures. Most of what I'm going on, though, is what he told me back when he and I were still trying to be friends. Not anything big, but he'd talk about things that he enjoyed while he was here. He liked to tell us about shops he enjoyed frequenting, places he liked to eat. Things like that. He probably didn't think anybody was actually listening when he talked. I was. And now, that’s most of what I've got to go on.
Unfortunately, memory can like and, even if it's right, it's still a hell of a long shot. This is my third day of looking for him. My technique isn't super-smooth, either. There's a picture of him that I've got with me. I've been carrying it around to places that I think he might have mentioned. I ask employees whether or not they've seen him. At best, I've gotten polite no's. At worst, I've had a ship owner call me a weirdo. It's not too bad, just exhausting. I won't let myself get discouraged, though. Sooner or later, something's got to give.
Right now, I'm walking out of a cafe. It's a tiny, quaint little place. Number eleven for today. It's the second one in this little cluster of shops, and I'm damn sure Kevin's mentioned this place before. I recognized the cafe's name, as well as the description of the eclectic shop next to it and the eatery that occupies the far side of the small center. There can't be that many shopping places that match the description so exactly, not even here.
Even if there aren't, I can't totally dismiss the possibility that Kevin's found new places to frequent. And, even if he hasn't, there's also the chance that I'm missing the staff members who have seen him or interacted with him. It's a sobering thought to realize that I could miss him by the space of only a few small minutes, just by failing to talk to the right person.
Pushing those thoughts aside, I push the eatery door open and step inside. Nice place, clean and tastefully decorated. There're a lot of colors all over the place, even on the hostess. Her black-and-white striped sweater seems to blend into the background. Kind of a shame that I'm here for Kevin, because she's cute. And single, judging from the way she's sizing me up. Returning a smile, I hope that her friendly attitude won't vanish when she realizes that I'm not here to eat.
"Hi," I say as I fish the picture out of of my pocket. I hold it out for her inspection. "I'm looking for a friend of mine. I was wondering if you might have seen him here."
Her smile widens a little as she meets my eyes. Reaching out, she takes the photo to have a look. When she does, I can see a flicker of recognition as her eyes go wide. She lets out a little half-laugh.
Curious, I ask, "What's wrong? You know him?"
She looks up at me, laughing a little like there's some kind of private joke that I'm missing out on. My own smile widens marginally, more out of confusion than amusement. She smiles brightly at that.
"Yeah, I know him. All the girls know him," she tells me. She glances over at two servers who are working the small dining area. "He's kind of hard to miss. And he tips well."
"So he comes here often?" I ask, feeling giddy with relief. That nervous excitement that I've been feeling is just everyday excitement now. I am so close to finding him! The dizzy relief dims with the sudden shock of fear that I feel at the realization that maybe he's here now. Glancing around, I let out a sharp breath as I realize that he is not here.
She nods, giving me a strange look along with another smile. Leaning forward, she hands the picture back to me. "Like clockwork. Every Tuesday, right around eleven o'clock. Don't think he's been late once in the past three months."
Today is Monday. That means that he'll be here tomorrow. A little thrill of anticipation winds its way through my body. This is perfect. Almost too perfect. My heartbeat speeds up as I realize how very close I am. Close to what, I'm not sure, but close nonetheless.
"Tuesday, like tomorrow?" I can scarcely believe that I heard her right.
The hostess looks like she thinks that I'm a whole lot less attractive with all of these questions I keep asking about my 'friend.' The others have told me it shows, how I feel about him. Maybe she can see it, too. I'm not sure.
Any doubt gets wiped away as she nods at me again, her smile a little less warm. "Yep, every Tuesday, like tomorrow. Shows up with his girlfriend every week. They have a standing date, I think."
All of the anticipation fluttering in my chest comes to a dead stop. Girlfriend? Eli definitely never mentioned that.
"Thank you," I murmur, my own smile a little less sincere than it had been. Turning, I walk out of the shop. No more searching. I've found Kevin. Now, all I have to do is come back here tomorrow morning. First, I want some time to digest everything that I have learned. Maybe after I grab some lunch.
--
The hotel that I'm staying in is nice. Not too nice. I still haven't heard back from Soohyun. I have no idea whether or not I still have a job, and I don't like spending more than I have to. Either way, I still wanted to be somewhere that wouldn't look too shabby if I ever found him. A hotel, not some motel, especially since I wanted something close to the airport. There were a lot of options, but I'm happy with where I am.
Coming back to my room after being on my feet for several hours is a welcome sensation. Not even bothering to take off my shoes, I just take a seat on the edge of my bed and feel the relief that is coursing through my veins. I did it. I found him. Sure, I haven't even seen him yet, but I feel like I can already taste success.
In a few short hours, tomorrow morning, I'll be able to see him for the first time in months. That thought fills me with warmth and delight in a way that I haven't felt since he left. I feel alive, and I can't wait to see him. I'm aware that it won't be all hearts and roses, but even seeing his face is more than I've managed in months.
This is my chance. My only chance and I've got to make it count. But my chance to... what? To talk to him? He hasn't returned a single text or call. When I've asked to talk to him through friends, he's refused. I have absolutely no reason to believe that he won't just get up and walk away from me. All the optimism in the world can't change the fact that it's a realistic possibility.
I'm aware of that, but I think I'll be okay so long as I can see for myself that he's happy. I really do want him to be happy. Part of the reason that I'm even here in San Francisco is just so that I can see for myself how he's doing. Just a few minutes, a chance to talk to him, that's all I want.
Okay, yeah, that's total bullshit.
Flopping backwards onto the bed, I heave a sigh. No, I don't just want to say hello. And no, I don't just want to know that he's okay. I didn't fly halfway around the world just to say hi and see how he's doing. Months away from him have only made the longing I feel for him more intense. That feeling is something more than just wanting to see his face or hear his voice. I am missing something that I have never even had, and yet it is still something that I know that I want more than anything else. I just want... him.
And that'll never happen. Closing my eyes, I let that fact wash over me. I know it, but that doesn't make it feel real. None of this really does. Still, I'm trying to tell myself just to buffer against that reality when it hits.
Girlfriend, huh?
That's a shock. I admit, I think I should be hurting a bit more at that thought than I am. More than anything, I'm just surprised and a bit confused. I've known Kevin for a few good years. During that time, I've seen him fake interest in women. You know, when it's appropriate. Expected. Idols are sex symbols. When you hit a certain age and still have no girlfriend, you have to do something or people will start to suspect that you might be gay.
Faking interest is one thing. Dating is something else entirely. I've never seen him go out with a girl, not because he wanted to or actually had any interest in her. I mean, hell, part of the reason I've been able to hang on so long is because I know he likes men. Sure, the fans have always joked about it, but Kevin's sexuality has always been U-KISS's worst kept secret. None of us really cared, but it makes the thought of Kevin with a girlfriend even stranger.
Honestly, I have no idea what I'll think when I see him with her. I guess I'll feel all the usual: jealousy, envy, a little bit of anger alongside the miniscule heartbreak that I'm accustomed to.
It's not like I haven't seen him with other people. I said that he had no interest in women, which is true, but he's never had any issues when it comes to getting close to guys. When it was just our group, in the privacy of our hotel rooms or dressing rooms or whatnot, he had no reason to pretend. I can easily recall at least two nights where I sat and watched Eli kiss a trail of hickeys down his neck while we were all watching a movie. Gave the makeup girls a fit a couple of days later. There have been more than a few mornings where Kevin's come out of the room he was sharing with Kiseop looking way too satisfied to simply have had a good night's rest. Things like that.
But that stuff? That's normal. I'm over it. Not entirely, but it doesn't faze me the way it used to. Maybe it's because we've all messed around, even if we'd never tell anyone outside of the group, or maybe it's just because Eli and I have already gone rounds on the same subject. Whatever it is, that thought is a far cry from Kevin with a girlfriend. Or seeing him with a girlfriend.
All of that relaxation and excitement I had felt upon getting back to my room is long gone. Now, all I feel is a vague, unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. There's no point in getting all worked up over nothing. There's even a chance that he won't show up at the restaurant tomorrow. Supposing he does, I'll try to talk to him. Maybe I'll even get lucky and he'll actually talk back. We'll see. I'll let the morning take care of itself. I just have to remember that I'm almost there.
And then I am there. Ten forty-eight in the morning, just barely cloudy and surprisingly warm. It's the perfect day but I'm not paying any attention to the weather. I'm vaguely aware of what I ordered for lunch, but I don't think I've taken a single bite. It's all I can do to take a sip or two from my drink as I sit in one of the booths and try to appear relaxed. Every time the door to the shop opens, I find myself wanting to jump out of my skin as I glance up to see who's coming in. Six times so far since I got here and none of them are him.
The seventh time is the charm. The brass bells on the door jingle to signify a new customer and I look up, trying to ignore the way my heart speeds up. A girl walks into the eatery, but I barely notice her. I'm too busy focusing on the person walking through the door behind her. It's him. My heart skips a beat as I watch him make his way to a table, not waiting for a hostess as he takes a seat and chats animatedly with the waitress as she hands them both their menus.
Kevin. It's really him. He's not the same. Different. A few months have been more than enough time to make a difference. His hair is dark, chocolate colored, only dusted with thin gold highlights across his forehead. His face is sharper, a little less round. The last of his baby fat is gone, replaced by some new-found muscle. Has he been hitting the gym? It’s not much, but it's enough to notice. He is beautiful. Handsome. Everything that I've been missing with every nerve of my body.
He's so close, and so completely unaware that I'm even here. He doesn't glance up or look around the shop even as I turn to get a better look at him. I am fascinated by the sight of him The way he waves his hand as he explains some part of his conversation, the way his eyebrows turn up even more in the middle as he chats, making him look confused even though he probably isn't. All of it is like a breath of fresh air. Even the way he talks with the girl across from him is something.
The girl. His girlfriend, I realize. That fact sends a small wave of shock through me and I find myself looking at him in a new light. I had halfway expected to find him faking it again, maybe out of some desire to convince himself that he's straight or to win his parents' approval.
The way he is looking at her tells me differently. His gaze is warm and genuine. I can't hear what he's saying, but the tone of his voice reaches my booth easily. His words are not polite disinterest or feigned attraction. None of it's fake. It's real. He really is... with her. I didn't even really see her face. Now all I can see is the back of her head, light reddish hair pulled back into a ponytail.
Seeing Kevin again is overwhelming, but I never expected this development. Seeing him with a girlfriend, I mean. Seeing him happy with one. And very honestly, I cannot feel poorly towards her, whoever she is. She has managed what I could not. But that doesn't change a single thing about the way that I feel or what I want. And I still want a chance to talk to him.
"Do you want more to drink?"
Pulling my eyes off of them, I see my irritated waitress. I've been here too long and she's probably wishing that I would leave. Leaning back in the booth, I take a deep breath and pull myself back down to earth. "No, I'm fine."
"Is your food okay?" She's eying my plate. I can't even remember if I've taken a single bite. Shrugging vaguely, I nod. With a huff, she turns and walks off without sparing me a second glance.
By the time that I look back at Kevin, his girlfriend seems to be getting ready to leave. She picks up her purse and stands, walking around the table. He never takes his eyes off of her. I get a glimpse of upturned lips and dark eyes. Then, she leans down to kiss him and it's hardly one-sided. He's reaching up and touching the side of her face, pulling her closer.
Jealousy. I can feel it stirring in the pit of my stomach, just a little. Still, I fight the temptation to look away. I don't want to see it, but maybe I need to. A reality check.
The touch lasts for only a moment and then she's gone, walking out of the shop. Kevin watches her leave and then turns his attention back to his own food. Whatever he ordered is gone, somehow eaten during the course of his conversation. He's barely touched his drink. He lets his eyes wander around the room. Not seriously, but more like he's trying to give his eyes something to do. He looks bored. At least, he does right up until he sees me.
At first, his eyes just glance over me, not really seeing them. Then, he freezes. Every muscle in his body goes tense as he slowly looks back. Maybe he's hoping he imagined what he saw. Slowly, he turns his eyes back towards me. I feel a small thrill shoot through me as I smile at him. He doesn't return it. Instead, his features straighten themselves out into that blank look he gets whenever he's upset and doesn't want anyone to know. I've seen that same look on his face a hundred times before. Now, he's putting it on for the staff of the restaurant.
For a moment, I think that he's going to get up and leave right then. That wouldn't be very smooth, though, or subtle. I know he hates for people to look at him strangely or suspect anything about him, no matter how harmless it might be. Instead, he sips at his drink, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, like he thinks he might have imagined me. The second sip comes much more quickly than the first as he realizes that I'm looking back at him. Before he can look my way again, he flags his waitress down. I can see her bringing the check slip. That's my cue to move.
Getting to my feet, I walk over to his table. "Good morning, Kevin."
He's panicking. I can tell from his expression and how tensely he's sitting in his chair. He looks like his worst nightmare has just come through. That look, that reaction, is not what I wanted. Not at all. I can't help but frown slightly.
"I wasn't expecting to see you here," he says. No hello. No real greeting. Just that.
The waitress reaches the table and sets down the small plastic tray that has the bill in it. Kevin doesn't even look at the total. He just tosses a couple of bills onto the paper and hands it back to her. Looking between both of us, the girl looks like she knows better than to stay in the middle of the tension that is brewing. When she's gone, it's as though we're alone even though everyone else in the restaurant can see us.
"I know you weren't expecting to see me, but I'm glad to see you," I tell him, trying to keep my voice even and warm. For once, it's a struggle. I don't want to be bothered by his attitude. Unfortunately, my particular preferences have no effect on reality. "I was hoping that maybe we could talk for a few minutes."
He looks up at me. I can see just how much effort it takes him, but he's trying to keep his gaze direct. "We already talked, Jaeseop. There's nothing left to discuss."
The words burn as they settle into my mind. I knew that the chances were slim when I came here that anything would happen. That being said, I had at least hoped for a chance to resolve things. Maybe talk to him for a few minutes. I don't think it's too much to hope for a polite hello and maybe a few minutes of conversation. He seems to think otherwise.
"Just for a few minutes." It's all I can think to say. "Please."
When he looks at me this time, I can read the hesitation in his eyes. I've gotten good at reading his expressions, even when he doesn't want me to. I know that he wants to say yes. He wants to do what I ask and sit down and talk. Even just chat. Something. As always, though, he shuts himself off. Licking his lips nervously, he pulls his eyes off of me and looks away. "I need to leave."
That's all that he says before he gets to his feet. Nodding and smiling to his waitress, Kevin turns and makes his way to the door in record time. Tossing some money on my own table to cover my bill, I hurry after him. I can't let him slip away so easily, not when I've finally found him again.
"Kevin!" I'm calling for him as soon as I'm outside. His long legs let him make good time. Even as I'm following, he's shaking his head and waving me away with both hands.
"I'm not doing this, Jaeseop," he says, loud enough that I can hear but not any louder than he has to be. He makes a beeline for a car parked at the curb. A car? Since when does he drive? Before I can fully register surprise, however, he's fishing keys out of his pocket and it's everything that I can do just to talk to him.
Balling my hands into fists, I do the only thing I can think of. I shout at him, louder than I should because I need to know that he hears me. "Please! I came all the way to San Francisco just to see you! Talk to me! Please! Five minutes, that's all I need!"
"It's not happening," he tells me. He pulls the door open.
"Please, Kevin. I just want to talk to you."
He looks at me, tongue tracing across his lip. His eyes are burning. He freezes.
"I'm at the airport Hyatt," I tell him. It's almost a plea. "Room 648. Just call m--"
"No."
Kevin slides into his car almost effortlessly. The door slams shut behind him. And then, just like that, he's gone. I've lost him all over again.
Rating: PG (NC-17 overall)
Pairing: JaeVin, ElVin (mentioned)
Chapter: 2/9
Summary: Kevin Woo has resigned. AJ is left with the knowledge that he was not alone in his feelings for the other man and it nearly destroys him. Taking a chance, he follows Kevin to San Francisco in order to try and reclaim the only thing that has ever meant anything to him.
San Francisco is nothing like New York City. I mean, some things are pretty much the same. You've still got skyscrapers and that big city feel. I guess that's kind of unavoidable. Some of the buildings are still crowded together in the same way. Some of them old, some of them new. It's a little dirty in places, pretty in others. The beach is cold, the people a bit warmer. City.
Other than that, it's just hills. Hills, and a lot of business. Eight hundred thousand people, less than a tenth the population of Seoul but all still spread out over about the same area. You can tell. Everything feels emptier, even when it's busy. Not in a bad way. Freer, maybe. Just a little. Not in a bad way, but maybe like there's more room for things to happen. Possibilities. Maybe even the chance of me actually succeeding with this crazy-ass plan of mine.
I almost forgot what it felt like to be excited. Right now, that excitement is nervous tension. I've been a mess for so long that this one thing is enough to give me some sort of purpose. I'll be damned if I'm letting go of that feeling even for a minute.
It's not a good thing. Not really. This feeling, I mean. God only knows what will happen if I actually find him. I don't really have a plan. I probably should, but I don't. And that "if" on whether or not I find him is a pretty big thing.
When I came out here, I arrived with nothing but the knowledge he gave me. A couple of tweets that he made back when he was still with the group. Some pictures. Most of what I'm going on, though, is what he told me back when he and I were still trying to be friends. Not anything big, but he'd talk about things that he enjoyed while he was here. He liked to tell us about shops he enjoyed frequenting, places he liked to eat. Things like that. He probably didn't think anybody was actually listening when he talked. I was. And now, that’s most of what I've got to go on.
Unfortunately, memory can like and, even if it's right, it's still a hell of a long shot. This is my third day of looking for him. My technique isn't super-smooth, either. There's a picture of him that I've got with me. I've been carrying it around to places that I think he might have mentioned. I ask employees whether or not they've seen him. At best, I've gotten polite no's. At worst, I've had a ship owner call me a weirdo. It's not too bad, just exhausting. I won't let myself get discouraged, though. Sooner or later, something's got to give.
Right now, I'm walking out of a cafe. It's a tiny, quaint little place. Number eleven for today. It's the second one in this little cluster of shops, and I'm damn sure Kevin's mentioned this place before. I recognized the cafe's name, as well as the description of the eclectic shop next to it and the eatery that occupies the far side of the small center. There can't be that many shopping places that match the description so exactly, not even here.
Even if there aren't, I can't totally dismiss the possibility that Kevin's found new places to frequent. And, even if he hasn't, there's also the chance that I'm missing the staff members who have seen him or interacted with him. It's a sobering thought to realize that I could miss him by the space of only a few small minutes, just by failing to talk to the right person.
Pushing those thoughts aside, I push the eatery door open and step inside. Nice place, clean and tastefully decorated. There're a lot of colors all over the place, even on the hostess. Her black-and-white striped sweater seems to blend into the background. Kind of a shame that I'm here for Kevin, because she's cute. And single, judging from the way she's sizing me up. Returning a smile, I hope that her friendly attitude won't vanish when she realizes that I'm not here to eat.
"Hi," I say as I fish the picture out of of my pocket. I hold it out for her inspection. "I'm looking for a friend of mine. I was wondering if you might have seen him here."
Her smile widens a little as she meets my eyes. Reaching out, she takes the photo to have a look. When she does, I can see a flicker of recognition as her eyes go wide. She lets out a little half-laugh.
Curious, I ask, "What's wrong? You know him?"
She looks up at me, laughing a little like there's some kind of private joke that I'm missing out on. My own smile widens marginally, more out of confusion than amusement. She smiles brightly at that.
"Yeah, I know him. All the girls know him," she tells me. She glances over at two servers who are working the small dining area. "He's kind of hard to miss. And he tips well."
"So he comes here often?" I ask, feeling giddy with relief. That nervous excitement that I've been feeling is just everyday excitement now. I am so close to finding him! The dizzy relief dims with the sudden shock of fear that I feel at the realization that maybe he's here now. Glancing around, I let out a sharp breath as I realize that he is not here.
She nods, giving me a strange look along with another smile. Leaning forward, she hands the picture back to me. "Like clockwork. Every Tuesday, right around eleven o'clock. Don't think he's been late once in the past three months."
Today is Monday. That means that he'll be here tomorrow. A little thrill of anticipation winds its way through my body. This is perfect. Almost too perfect. My heartbeat speeds up as I realize how very close I am. Close to what, I'm not sure, but close nonetheless.
"Tuesday, like tomorrow?" I can scarcely believe that I heard her right.
The hostess looks like she thinks that I'm a whole lot less attractive with all of these questions I keep asking about my 'friend.' The others have told me it shows, how I feel about him. Maybe she can see it, too. I'm not sure.
Any doubt gets wiped away as she nods at me again, her smile a little less warm. "Yep, every Tuesday, like tomorrow. Shows up with his girlfriend every week. They have a standing date, I think."
All of the anticipation fluttering in my chest comes to a dead stop. Girlfriend? Eli definitely never mentioned that.
"Thank you," I murmur, my own smile a little less sincere than it had been. Turning, I walk out of the shop. No more searching. I've found Kevin. Now, all I have to do is come back here tomorrow morning. First, I want some time to digest everything that I have learned. Maybe after I grab some lunch.
--
The hotel that I'm staying in is nice. Not too nice. I still haven't heard back from Soohyun. I have no idea whether or not I still have a job, and I don't like spending more than I have to. Either way, I still wanted to be somewhere that wouldn't look too shabby if I ever found him. A hotel, not some motel, especially since I wanted something close to the airport. There were a lot of options, but I'm happy with where I am.
Coming back to my room after being on my feet for several hours is a welcome sensation. Not even bothering to take off my shoes, I just take a seat on the edge of my bed and feel the relief that is coursing through my veins. I did it. I found him. Sure, I haven't even seen him yet, but I feel like I can already taste success.
In a few short hours, tomorrow morning, I'll be able to see him for the first time in months. That thought fills me with warmth and delight in a way that I haven't felt since he left. I feel alive, and I can't wait to see him. I'm aware that it won't be all hearts and roses, but even seeing his face is more than I've managed in months.
This is my chance. My only chance and I've got to make it count. But my chance to... what? To talk to him? He hasn't returned a single text or call. When I've asked to talk to him through friends, he's refused. I have absolutely no reason to believe that he won't just get up and walk away from me. All the optimism in the world can't change the fact that it's a realistic possibility.
I'm aware of that, but I think I'll be okay so long as I can see for myself that he's happy. I really do want him to be happy. Part of the reason that I'm even here in San Francisco is just so that I can see for myself how he's doing. Just a few minutes, a chance to talk to him, that's all I want.
Okay, yeah, that's total bullshit.
Flopping backwards onto the bed, I heave a sigh. No, I don't just want to say hello. And no, I don't just want to know that he's okay. I didn't fly halfway around the world just to say hi and see how he's doing. Months away from him have only made the longing I feel for him more intense. That feeling is something more than just wanting to see his face or hear his voice. I am missing something that I have never even had, and yet it is still something that I know that I want more than anything else. I just want... him.
And that'll never happen. Closing my eyes, I let that fact wash over me. I know it, but that doesn't make it feel real. None of this really does. Still, I'm trying to tell myself just to buffer against that reality when it hits.
Girlfriend, huh?
That's a shock. I admit, I think I should be hurting a bit more at that thought than I am. More than anything, I'm just surprised and a bit confused. I've known Kevin for a few good years. During that time, I've seen him fake interest in women. You know, when it's appropriate. Expected. Idols are sex symbols. When you hit a certain age and still have no girlfriend, you have to do something or people will start to suspect that you might be gay.
Faking interest is one thing. Dating is something else entirely. I've never seen him go out with a girl, not because he wanted to or actually had any interest in her. I mean, hell, part of the reason I've been able to hang on so long is because I know he likes men. Sure, the fans have always joked about it, but Kevin's sexuality has always been U-KISS's worst kept secret. None of us really cared, but it makes the thought of Kevin with a girlfriend even stranger.
Honestly, I have no idea what I'll think when I see him with her. I guess I'll feel all the usual: jealousy, envy, a little bit of anger alongside the miniscule heartbreak that I'm accustomed to.
It's not like I haven't seen him with other people. I said that he had no interest in women, which is true, but he's never had any issues when it comes to getting close to guys. When it was just our group, in the privacy of our hotel rooms or dressing rooms or whatnot, he had no reason to pretend. I can easily recall at least two nights where I sat and watched Eli kiss a trail of hickeys down his neck while we were all watching a movie. Gave the makeup girls a fit a couple of days later. There have been more than a few mornings where Kevin's come out of the room he was sharing with Kiseop looking way too satisfied to simply have had a good night's rest. Things like that.
But that stuff? That's normal. I'm over it. Not entirely, but it doesn't faze me the way it used to. Maybe it's because we've all messed around, even if we'd never tell anyone outside of the group, or maybe it's just because Eli and I have already gone rounds on the same subject. Whatever it is, that thought is a far cry from Kevin with a girlfriend. Or seeing him with a girlfriend.
All of that relaxation and excitement I had felt upon getting back to my room is long gone. Now, all I feel is a vague, unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. There's no point in getting all worked up over nothing. There's even a chance that he won't show up at the restaurant tomorrow. Supposing he does, I'll try to talk to him. Maybe I'll even get lucky and he'll actually talk back. We'll see. I'll let the morning take care of itself. I just have to remember that I'm almost there.
And then I am there. Ten forty-eight in the morning, just barely cloudy and surprisingly warm. It's the perfect day but I'm not paying any attention to the weather. I'm vaguely aware of what I ordered for lunch, but I don't think I've taken a single bite. It's all I can do to take a sip or two from my drink as I sit in one of the booths and try to appear relaxed. Every time the door to the shop opens, I find myself wanting to jump out of my skin as I glance up to see who's coming in. Six times so far since I got here and none of them are him.
The seventh time is the charm. The brass bells on the door jingle to signify a new customer and I look up, trying to ignore the way my heart speeds up. A girl walks into the eatery, but I barely notice her. I'm too busy focusing on the person walking through the door behind her. It's him. My heart skips a beat as I watch him make his way to a table, not waiting for a hostess as he takes a seat and chats animatedly with the waitress as she hands them both their menus.
Kevin. It's really him. He's not the same. Different. A few months have been more than enough time to make a difference. His hair is dark, chocolate colored, only dusted with thin gold highlights across his forehead. His face is sharper, a little less round. The last of his baby fat is gone, replaced by some new-found muscle. Has he been hitting the gym? It’s not much, but it's enough to notice. He is beautiful. Handsome. Everything that I've been missing with every nerve of my body.
He's so close, and so completely unaware that I'm even here. He doesn't glance up or look around the shop even as I turn to get a better look at him. I am fascinated by the sight of him The way he waves his hand as he explains some part of his conversation, the way his eyebrows turn up even more in the middle as he chats, making him look confused even though he probably isn't. All of it is like a breath of fresh air. Even the way he talks with the girl across from him is something.
The girl. His girlfriend, I realize. That fact sends a small wave of shock through me and I find myself looking at him in a new light. I had halfway expected to find him faking it again, maybe out of some desire to convince himself that he's straight or to win his parents' approval.
The way he is looking at her tells me differently. His gaze is warm and genuine. I can't hear what he's saying, but the tone of his voice reaches my booth easily. His words are not polite disinterest or feigned attraction. None of it's fake. It's real. He really is... with her. I didn't even really see her face. Now all I can see is the back of her head, light reddish hair pulled back into a ponytail.
Seeing Kevin again is overwhelming, but I never expected this development. Seeing him with a girlfriend, I mean. Seeing him happy with one. And very honestly, I cannot feel poorly towards her, whoever she is. She has managed what I could not. But that doesn't change a single thing about the way that I feel or what I want. And I still want a chance to talk to him.
"Do you want more to drink?"
Pulling my eyes off of them, I see my irritated waitress. I've been here too long and she's probably wishing that I would leave. Leaning back in the booth, I take a deep breath and pull myself back down to earth. "No, I'm fine."
"Is your food okay?" She's eying my plate. I can't even remember if I've taken a single bite. Shrugging vaguely, I nod. With a huff, she turns and walks off without sparing me a second glance.
By the time that I look back at Kevin, his girlfriend seems to be getting ready to leave. She picks up her purse and stands, walking around the table. He never takes his eyes off of her. I get a glimpse of upturned lips and dark eyes. Then, she leans down to kiss him and it's hardly one-sided. He's reaching up and touching the side of her face, pulling her closer.
Jealousy. I can feel it stirring in the pit of my stomach, just a little. Still, I fight the temptation to look away. I don't want to see it, but maybe I need to. A reality check.
The touch lasts for only a moment and then she's gone, walking out of the shop. Kevin watches her leave and then turns his attention back to his own food. Whatever he ordered is gone, somehow eaten during the course of his conversation. He's barely touched his drink. He lets his eyes wander around the room. Not seriously, but more like he's trying to give his eyes something to do. He looks bored. At least, he does right up until he sees me.
At first, his eyes just glance over me, not really seeing them. Then, he freezes. Every muscle in his body goes tense as he slowly looks back. Maybe he's hoping he imagined what he saw. Slowly, he turns his eyes back towards me. I feel a small thrill shoot through me as I smile at him. He doesn't return it. Instead, his features straighten themselves out into that blank look he gets whenever he's upset and doesn't want anyone to know. I've seen that same look on his face a hundred times before. Now, he's putting it on for the staff of the restaurant.
For a moment, I think that he's going to get up and leave right then. That wouldn't be very smooth, though, or subtle. I know he hates for people to look at him strangely or suspect anything about him, no matter how harmless it might be. Instead, he sips at his drink, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, like he thinks he might have imagined me. The second sip comes much more quickly than the first as he realizes that I'm looking back at him. Before he can look my way again, he flags his waitress down. I can see her bringing the check slip. That's my cue to move.
Getting to my feet, I walk over to his table. "Good morning, Kevin."
He's panicking. I can tell from his expression and how tensely he's sitting in his chair. He looks like his worst nightmare has just come through. That look, that reaction, is not what I wanted. Not at all. I can't help but frown slightly.
"I wasn't expecting to see you here," he says. No hello. No real greeting. Just that.
The waitress reaches the table and sets down the small plastic tray that has the bill in it. Kevin doesn't even look at the total. He just tosses a couple of bills onto the paper and hands it back to her. Looking between both of us, the girl looks like she knows better than to stay in the middle of the tension that is brewing. When she's gone, it's as though we're alone even though everyone else in the restaurant can see us.
"I know you weren't expecting to see me, but I'm glad to see you," I tell him, trying to keep my voice even and warm. For once, it's a struggle. I don't want to be bothered by his attitude. Unfortunately, my particular preferences have no effect on reality. "I was hoping that maybe we could talk for a few minutes."
He looks up at me. I can see just how much effort it takes him, but he's trying to keep his gaze direct. "We already talked, Jaeseop. There's nothing left to discuss."
The words burn as they settle into my mind. I knew that the chances were slim when I came here that anything would happen. That being said, I had at least hoped for a chance to resolve things. Maybe talk to him for a few minutes. I don't think it's too much to hope for a polite hello and maybe a few minutes of conversation. He seems to think otherwise.
"Just for a few minutes." It's all I can think to say. "Please."
When he looks at me this time, I can read the hesitation in his eyes. I've gotten good at reading his expressions, even when he doesn't want me to. I know that he wants to say yes. He wants to do what I ask and sit down and talk. Even just chat. Something. As always, though, he shuts himself off. Licking his lips nervously, he pulls his eyes off of me and looks away. "I need to leave."
That's all that he says before he gets to his feet. Nodding and smiling to his waitress, Kevin turns and makes his way to the door in record time. Tossing some money on my own table to cover my bill, I hurry after him. I can't let him slip away so easily, not when I've finally found him again.
"Kevin!" I'm calling for him as soon as I'm outside. His long legs let him make good time. Even as I'm following, he's shaking his head and waving me away with both hands.
"I'm not doing this, Jaeseop," he says, loud enough that I can hear but not any louder than he has to be. He makes a beeline for a car parked at the curb. A car? Since when does he drive? Before I can fully register surprise, however, he's fishing keys out of his pocket and it's everything that I can do just to talk to him.
Balling my hands into fists, I do the only thing I can think of. I shout at him, louder than I should because I need to know that he hears me. "Please! I came all the way to San Francisco just to see you! Talk to me! Please! Five minutes, that's all I need!"
"It's not happening," he tells me. He pulls the door open.
"Please, Kevin. I just want to talk to you."
He looks at me, tongue tracing across his lip. His eyes are burning. He freezes.
"I'm at the airport Hyatt," I tell him. It's almost a plea. "Room 648. Just call m--"
"No."
Kevin slides into his car almost effortlessly. The door slams shut behind him. And then, just like that, he's gone. I've lost him all over again.