Smallville 10.04 Homecoming
The official transcript of the Legion of Superheroes mission inquiry, October 15 3010. (Image heavy).
Presiding Officers: Rokk Krinn (aka Cosmic Boy), Imra Ardeen (AKA Saturn Girl), Garth Ranzz (Lightning Lad)
Principal witness: Brain Interactive Construct version 5.0 (aka Brainiac 5)
Rokk: Let the record show Brainiac 5 is being reprimand for violation of several Legion tenants, including but not limited to unauthorized interference with the past, revealing an individual to his own future, and violating Legion time travel protocol.
Garth: Hey Brainy, did Kal-El ask about me?
Rokk: This is an offical inquiry, not a social call, Garth.
Garth: Sorry, just wondering.
Braniac 5: Not only did Kal-El mention you, Mr. Ranzz, he asked me to give you exhibit L, his Crows high school letterman’s jacket.
Garth: Oh my God! Seriously? It says in the report you wanted to wear it.
Brainiac: A joke Garth. It's all yours if you want it.
Imra: Please do not try to bribe panel members, Brainiac.
Brainiac: By the way, Imra, I was able to snag Lana Lang's autograph while Kal-El was galavanting away in his future.
Irma: Really?
Rokk: Irma!
Irma: Sorry, Rokk.
Rokk: Brainiac, you stand accused of serious infractions against the Legion’s time travel code.
Garth: Time meddling in layman's terms.
Irma: Do you care to explain yourself?
Braniac: Not particularly. Didn’t you read my report?
Imra: Of course. Please explain yourself anyway.
Garth: Did you really meet Kara Zor-El?
Brainiac: Of course. May I refer you to exhibit A, a signed copy of InStyle magazine dated October 12, 2010. Thanks in part to one Kara Zor-El my primary subject, Kal El of Krypton, was on the verge of never becoming the hero that inspired the very Legion that stands here accusing me today.
Imra: "In part" There were others?
Garth: A conspiracy! I love conspiracies!
Brainiac: Yes, there were others. Exhibit B. The Jor-El A.I., the royal douche bag of A.I.s and, may I add, a model much inferior to me in everyway. These two twisted Kal-El’s perhaps most inspired moment of heroism into an act of selfishness and darkness.
Rokk: You of course refer to the banishment of the Kandorians from Earth.
Brainiac: Indeed.
Garth: But didn’t that result in...
Brainiac: Yes, yes! Thus making my mission of the utmost importance!
Irma: Why do you feel this “mission” was necessary in the first place?
Brainiac: Are you serious? At this point in time even Lois Lane was unable to encourage Kal-El. See exhibit C!
Irma: Perhaps in time...
Brainiac: In time? You have no idea how precarious the situation had become! One push in the wrong direction and...
Rokk: And you feel this justified altering the mind of a Smallville High guidance counselor? May I draw attention to exhibit D, the Kal-El voodoo doll.
Garth: Voo Doo? Oh. I thought it was an action figure.
Brainiac: I brought it back with me. If you would like...
Garth: Oh, yes, please!
Irma: Garth?
Garth: Sorry.
Irma: As I understand it you altered this poor woman’s mind to make her opinion of Kal-El more positive.
Brainiac: She... Well she was a complete nut job. She’s a lot better off, trust me. Besides, it was a necessary precaution. Kal-El was in a delicate mental state. He was about to hang up his cape before he ever donned it. I had to insure only positive interactions.
Rokk: Such as the Chloe Sullivan fan brigade, exhibit E.
Braniniac: Oh, I see where you’re going with that! Seriously, those two were not a plant. Chloe Sullivan really does have fan boys and fan girls. Maybe not all of them happen to be huge fans of the Blur, but...
Irma: But these two “just happed” to be.
Brainiac: Yes they were, fortunately.
Rokk: And homecoming king?
Brainiac: You mean exhibit K? I thought Kal-El would have enjoyed that one more.
Irma: So that was your doing?
Brainiac: You doubt the love of Kal-El’s classmates? He was a star quarterback!
Irma: He was on the team one year. Do you honestly believe we...
Brainiac: No comment.
Garth: Wow. Even I never screwed up time travel protocol so badly!
Rokk: And we haven’t even gotten to the part where you actually took Clark into his own future.
Brainiac: Also absolutely necessary.
Irma: Not to mention completely forbidden. You’re not even supposed to hint at someone’s future.
Brainiac: You mean like Rokk did when he warned Clark about Doomsday.
Rokk: I’m not the one under inquiry here!
Brainiac: What you did was out necessary. As what I did.
Rokk: I didn’t show Kal-El his future. And I didn’t let him make out with his unsuspecting future wife!
Garth: F! My favorite exhibit!
Brainiac: That actually wasn’t part of the plan...
Irma: Who cares abut your plan? You, more than anyone, should know the variables time travel introduces.
Brainiac: Point taken. But get this, he actually saved Lois Lane’s life! Isn’t that worth something?
Rokk: That’s not the...
Brainiac: Either Kal-El is accidentally set loose in 2017 or Lois Lane prematurely becomes worm food. Is that what you want?
Rokk: Not the point!
Brainiac: So you’re a Lois hater.
Rokk: I’m not...
Garth: Don’t be a hater, Rokk. Look how scared she is in exhibit I!
Rokk: I’m not a Lois hater!
Irma: The point is Kal-El could have met his future self! And if that had happened, well we’d have no choice but to bar you from the Legion.
Brainiac: Bar me from the...
Rokk: That's right!
Brainiac: Um. Well. Er, fortunately he didn’t.
Garth: Is anybody else missing exhibit J?
Rokk: Or notice a sudden flash of light?
Irma: That was weird, wasn't it?
Brainiac: Exhibit J? Huh, it seems I skipped a letter. How forgetful of me.
Irma: Let’s move on. You expect us to believe this bug boy not only forgave Kal-El but wanted to thank him?
Brainiac: Why not? Doesn’t he seem sincere in exhibit H?
Rokk: So you didn’t give bug boy the same mind treatment you gave the counselor?
Brainiac: Don’t be absurd! Of course not. Next thing you know you’ll accuse me of removing the entire student body’s memory of Lois Lane.
Irma: You sure? Because when you start using words like absurd I get the feeling you’re lying.
Brainiac: Of course I’m lying! Lois never should have attended Smallville High! I was just setting things right when I did that!
Irma: So are you also admitting you messed with the the bug boy?
Brainiac: It kills you that you can’t read the thoughts of a machine, doesn’t it Irma?
Irma: It would make this inquiry a hell of a lot easier!
Rokk: Did you alter the bug boy’s mind or not?
Brainiac: Who cares? I don’t. And what’s the point of asking? Do you think I'd admit it if I had?
Irma: I’d like to think we could trust you.
Brainiac: And I’d like to not have to go through this inquiry. The bottom line is Kal-El is back on track. So no harm no foul, right?
Rokk: What about the Green Arrow thing? Exhibit G.
Brainiac: What about it?
Irma: Yesterday history showed Kal-El and Oliver Queen barely tolerated each other. But today? It shows they were the best of friends.
Brainiac: That’s a bad change?
Rokk: Except for what didn’t change. Oliver treats Kal-El like crap in both versions of history.
Braininac: Oh, here we go!
Irma: Please wipe that smirk off your face.
Brainiac: I thought you wanted to know what I was thinking.
Garth: What have you done Brainy, and why?
Brainiac: Seriously? You have any idea how many times that man destroyed me? You can’t expect me not to take a little revenge.
Rokk: I’m sorry Brainy. I know you claim to have a twelfth level intellect but this whole report reads like a tweleve year rewrote a Christmas Carol.
Brainiac: Perhaps because you do not posses a twelfth level intellect you do not appreciate the plan’s brilliance.
Rokk: For the Oliver Queen stunt alone we’re going to have to put you through another thorough anti virus scan. You realize that, don’t you?
Brainiac: It was worth it. Totally worth it. Is that all?
Irma: One more question. You can adjust memories and attitudes by just poking into someone’s head. Why not just do it to Kal-El to get him back on track and save yourself a lot of trouble?
Brainaic: Well that wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, now would it?
Presiding Officers: Rokk Krinn (aka Cosmic Boy), Imra Ardeen (AKA Saturn Girl), Garth Ranzz (Lightning Lad)
Principal witness: Brain Interactive Construct version 5.0 (aka Brainiac 5)
Rokk: Let the record show Brainiac 5 is being reprimand for violation of several Legion tenants, including but not limited to unauthorized interference with the past, revealing an individual to his own future, and violating Legion time travel protocol.
Garth: Hey Brainy, did Kal-El ask about me?
Rokk: This is an offical inquiry, not a social call, Garth.
Garth: Sorry, just wondering.
Braniac 5: Not only did Kal-El mention you, Mr. Ranzz, he asked me to give you exhibit L, his Crows high school letterman’s jacket.
Garth: Oh my God! Seriously? It says in the report you wanted to wear it.
Brainiac: A joke Garth. It's all yours if you want it.
Imra: Please do not try to bribe panel members, Brainiac.
Brainiac: By the way, Imra, I was able to snag Lana Lang's autograph while Kal-El was galavanting away in his future.
Irma: Really?
Rokk: Irma!
Irma: Sorry, Rokk.
Rokk: Brainiac, you stand accused of serious infractions against the Legion’s time travel code.
Garth: Time meddling in layman's terms.
Irma: Do you care to explain yourself?
Braniac: Not particularly. Didn’t you read my report?
Imra: Of course. Please explain yourself anyway.
Garth: Did you really meet Kara Zor-El?
Brainiac: Of course. May I refer you to exhibit A, a signed copy of InStyle magazine dated October 12, 2010. Thanks in part to one Kara Zor-El my primary subject, Kal El of Krypton, was on the verge of never becoming the hero that inspired the very Legion that stands here accusing me today.
Imra: "In part" There were others?
Garth: A conspiracy! I love conspiracies!
Brainiac: Yes, there were others. Exhibit B. The Jor-El A.I., the royal douche bag of A.I.s and, may I add, a model much inferior to me in everyway. These two twisted Kal-El’s perhaps most inspired moment of heroism into an act of selfishness and darkness.
Rokk: You of course refer to the banishment of the Kandorians from Earth.
Brainiac: Indeed.
Garth: But didn’t that result in...
Brainiac: Yes, yes! Thus making my mission of the utmost importance!
Irma: Why do you feel this “mission” was necessary in the first place?
Brainiac: Are you serious? At this point in time even Lois Lane was unable to encourage Kal-El. See exhibit C!
Irma: Perhaps in time...
Brainiac: In time? You have no idea how precarious the situation had become! One push in the wrong direction and...
Rokk: And you feel this justified altering the mind of a Smallville High guidance counselor? May I draw attention to exhibit D, the Kal-El voodoo doll.
Garth: Voo Doo? Oh. I thought it was an action figure.
Brainiac: I brought it back with me. If you would like...
Garth: Oh, yes, please!
Irma: Garth?
Garth: Sorry.
Irma: As I understand it you altered this poor woman’s mind to make her opinion of Kal-El more positive.
Brainiac: She... Well she was a complete nut job. She’s a lot better off, trust me. Besides, it was a necessary precaution. Kal-El was in a delicate mental state. He was about to hang up his cape before he ever donned it. I had to insure only positive interactions.
Rokk: Such as the Chloe Sullivan fan brigade, exhibit E.
Braniniac: Oh, I see where you’re going with that! Seriously, those two were not a plant. Chloe Sullivan really does have fan boys and fan girls. Maybe not all of them happen to be huge fans of the Blur, but...
Irma: But these two “just happed” to be.
Brainiac: Yes they were, fortunately.
Rokk: And homecoming king?
Brainiac: You mean exhibit K? I thought Kal-El would have enjoyed that one more.
Irma: So that was your doing?
Brainiac: You doubt the love of Kal-El’s classmates? He was a star quarterback!
Irma: He was on the team one year. Do you honestly believe we...
Brainiac: No comment.
Garth: Wow. Even I never screwed up time travel protocol so badly!
Rokk: And we haven’t even gotten to the part where you actually took Clark into his own future.
Brainiac: Also absolutely necessary.
Irma: Not to mention completely forbidden. You’re not even supposed to hint at someone’s future.
Brainiac: You mean like Rokk did when he warned Clark about Doomsday.
Rokk: I’m not the one under inquiry here!
Brainiac: What you did was out necessary. As what I did.
Rokk: I didn’t show Kal-El his future. And I didn’t let him make out with his unsuspecting future wife!
Garth: F! My favorite exhibit!
Brainiac: That actually wasn’t part of the plan...
Irma: Who cares abut your plan? You, more than anyone, should know the variables time travel introduces.
Brainiac: Point taken. But get this, he actually saved Lois Lane’s life! Isn’t that worth something?
Rokk: That’s not the...
Brainiac: Either Kal-El is accidentally set loose in 2017 or Lois Lane prematurely becomes worm food. Is that what you want?
Rokk: Not the point!
Brainiac: So you’re a Lois hater.
Rokk: I’m not...
Garth: Don’t be a hater, Rokk. Look how scared she is in exhibit I!
Rokk: I’m not a Lois hater!
Irma: The point is Kal-El could have met his future self! And if that had happened, well we’d have no choice but to bar you from the Legion.
Brainiac: Bar me from the...
Rokk: That's right!
Brainiac: Um. Well. Er, fortunately he didn’t.
Garth: Is anybody else missing exhibit J?
Rokk: Or notice a sudden flash of light?
Irma: That was weird, wasn't it?
Brainiac: Exhibit J? Huh, it seems I skipped a letter. How forgetful of me.
Irma: Let’s move on. You expect us to believe this bug boy not only forgave Kal-El but wanted to thank him?
Brainiac: Why not? Doesn’t he seem sincere in exhibit H?
Rokk: So you didn’t give bug boy the same mind treatment you gave the counselor?
Brainiac: Don’t be absurd! Of course not. Next thing you know you’ll accuse me of removing the entire student body’s memory of Lois Lane.
Irma: You sure? Because when you start using words like absurd I get the feeling you’re lying.
Brainiac: Of course I’m lying! Lois never should have attended Smallville High! I was just setting things right when I did that!
Irma: So are you also admitting you messed with the the bug boy?
Brainiac: It kills you that you can’t read the thoughts of a machine, doesn’t it Irma?
Irma: It would make this inquiry a hell of a lot easier!
Rokk: Did you alter the bug boy’s mind or not?
Brainiac: Who cares? I don’t. And what’s the point of asking? Do you think I'd admit it if I had?
Irma: I’d like to think we could trust you.
Brainiac: And I’d like to not have to go through this inquiry. The bottom line is Kal-El is back on track. So no harm no foul, right?
Rokk: What about the Green Arrow thing? Exhibit G.
Brainiac: What about it?
Irma: Yesterday history showed Kal-El and Oliver Queen barely tolerated each other. But today? It shows they were the best of friends.
Brainiac: That’s a bad change?
Rokk: Except for what didn’t change. Oliver treats Kal-El like crap in both versions of history.
Braininac: Oh, here we go!
Irma: Please wipe that smirk off your face.
Brainiac: I thought you wanted to know what I was thinking.
Garth: What have you done Brainy, and why?
Brainiac: Seriously? You have any idea how many times that man destroyed me? You can’t expect me not to take a little revenge.
Rokk: I’m sorry Brainy. I know you claim to have a twelfth level intellect but this whole report reads like a tweleve year rewrote a Christmas Carol.
Brainiac: Perhaps because you do not posses a twelfth level intellect you do not appreciate the plan’s brilliance.
Rokk: For the Oliver Queen stunt alone we’re going to have to put you through another thorough anti virus scan. You realize that, don’t you?
Brainiac: It was worth it. Totally worth it. Is that all?
Irma: One more question. You can adjust memories and attitudes by just poking into someone’s head. Why not just do it to Kal-El to get him back on track and save yourself a lot of trouble?
Brainaic: Well that wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun, now would it?