can't fit, should fit
can't fit, should fit
suga/jungkook - 3459 words - pg-13 - school au
warnings: transphobia, misgendering, slurs
we’re yoongi and jungsook. we don’t want to be what other people want us to be. but that’s okay.
a/n: i don't think you understand how fun writing transgirl!jungkook and genderfluid!yoongi was
she stands in front of the full-body mirror in her new high school uniform. she adjusts her blazer, her skirt, and neither of them particularly fit the way she wants them to even though the tailors had tried their best. she makes sure those dainty little school shoes are the right size, and they are. and she hopes she doesn't grow anymore.
she already stands out at 178 centimeters, towering over the rest of the girls.
she clears her throat once, twice, in an attempt to raise her voice higher, and her reflection copies it. "hi, i'm jeon jungsook." no, that's not right. she's been practicing this all month. she knows she can get it right. "hi, i'm jeon jungsook. it's nice to meet you." better, but not enough. tears are beginning to form, but she hastily wipes them away. her mother had already done plenty of crying and can't afford to see her own daughter do it too. “i’m jeon jungsook.”
pretty, her mother would say behind her whenever she tries on a new dress. my pretty jungsook. those were the times she looked forward to. her mother was the first person she told, and all her mother said was ‘i’ve always wanted a daughter.’ with that beautiful smile jungsook wishes she had inherited. they both would talk together until her father comes home. and then the wig has to come off, and the silicon inserts are messily pulled out. just so her father can come in the room to see her with short hair and a flat-chested t-shirt/shorts combo.
jungkook, come help your old man with the yard work, her father would say afterwards. what a good son.
the tears are trailing down her cheeks anyway. she doesn’t want to remember that night when both her mom and she had lost track of time, and her father stood by the door without a proper explanation seeing her laugh in a dress and makeup until he finally roared at both of them and left the house for good. she wonders how her older brother junghyun will take all this news since he’s doing military service.
he always did tell her she was too cute to be a boy, and it’s assuring even though it always sounded like he was teasing her. she imagines him coming home just in time for her high school graduation, where she can be found in a skirt. and he’ll come over with a bundle of flowers and wraps his arms around her to congratulate her. saying my little sis as a replacement for my little bro.
she smiles bitterly, hands bundled up into fists against the pleats on her skirt. i'm jungsook. i don't want to be a boy but that's okay.
the entrance ceremony is nothing short of inviting. jungsook’s papers state the right name, and she smiles softly at ‘jeon jungsook’ printed at the top of her schedule, grateful for the week’s worth of arguing with the school administration to let her have her way in comfort. she doesn’t even care that everyone else is socializing but her, who stands awkwardly in the middle when it’s ending.
her mother’s reminder to make friends ring in her head, but she’s afraid. people are already staring at her the moment she gets up from her seat at the end of the ceremony. or maybe she’s just too anxious that she’s thinking too hard about it. but she knows she doesn’t blend in. her face isn’t feminine-looking enough, and she doesn’t have the right curves that a normal girl would have.
she shifts her long black wig when she thinks no one is looking, her knees shaking at even the thought of talking to someone. what if they notice how deep she sounds? what if they think she’s too tall to be a girl? she stands with her papers clutched tightly in one hand and exits the school alone. her mother’s waiting for her with flowers and her homemade jjajangmyun in wait when they quietly drive home.
“did you talk to anyone, jungsook-ah?” her mother asks at a red light, tapping her well-manicured fingers against the steering wheel. jungsook just shakes her head, hugging her papers to her chest. “no? well, there’s always tomorrow.”
tomorrow. she nods, because she can’t let her mother down. she’ll make new friends when she’s ready.
she’s being followed on her way to school.
or she thinks, at least, she’s not really sure. this person has been walking the same route as her and she’s not clear on what their intentions towards her are. instinctively, she grips onto her backpack’s straps tighter and walks at a quicker pace, but the person picks up at a similar speed and it frightens jungsook so hard that she slips her backpack from her shoulders and swings it in their general direction.
“ow!” she freezes at their voice and lowers her makeshift weapon, turning to stare wide-eyed at a stranger stumbling back. they look young. and they're shorter.
"i ... i'm so sorry!" she bows at 90 degrees repeatedly until the stranger lifts a hand to dismiss it.
"it's okay, it's okay, ow-" they wince a little, their hand traveling up to their nose. jungsook's not sure what gender they are, and her eyes travel to their black blazer and dark jeans. it's a masculine feel, but their face is just so gentle- "are you alone?" they suddenly ask.
"huh?" jungsook looks back to meet their eyes and nods. "mmm ... i'm on my way to school."
"well, that's no good. no girl should be walking all by herself. who knows what kind of creep can jump you?"
like the kind i thought you were, jungsook thinks. "so you want to walk with me then?"
"i would have even if you didn't offer." they extend a hand towards her. "min yoongi."
"jeon jungsook ..." she takes it and shakes it lightly.
"jungsook?" they squeeze her hand and flash a grin at her that makes jungsook's heart swell a bit. "that's a pretty name."
jungsook awkwardly lets go and adjusts the straps on her bag, not sure where this will lead. “i really am sorry about hitting you, by the way.”
“stop apologizing. it was an accident, right?” the incredulous look on jungsook’s face has yoongi pursing their lips tightly together. “okay, i guess it wasn’t.”
it turns out that yoongi is studying music with a minor in photography at the university nearby. they didn't have any classes until 9, but they just happened to see jungsook during their daily morning walk. they go on and on about their current photography project and how it's going well and does jungsook like hip-hop? they frown and click their tongue when she shakes her head no, but go back to talking, slowly letting jungsook get comfortable enough to contribute to the conversation.
jungsook thinks she likes yoongi's company.
"what time does school end?" yoongi asks when they reach the gates, leaning against it.
"it'll be late ... high school and all. why?" jungsook grips onto one of the straps on her backpack. she knows where this is going.
"thought i'd walk you back home. it's more dangerous being out at night."
it triggers an alarm in jungsook's head. they already know where she goes to school. she doesn't want them to know where she lives either. "... you don't have to do that ..."
"i insist," yoongi says with a dramatic royalty-like bow. "so what time?"
"... ten o' clock."
“see you then.” yoongi shoots a salute goodbye before tucking their hands into their pockets, walking off.
well, at least jungsook can go home to her mother and tell her she finally made a new friend.
jungsook doesn’t want to see yoongi then, because in the middle of the day, she’s facing her locker spray-painted with the words ‘fag’ and ‘tranny’ because she hadn’t realized that people from her middle school could go to this school too. a sharp exhale releases through her. who knows how long it will take to wash it all off?
her hands might be shaking just from hearing the stifled laughter behind her. and she hears that dreaded name that used to belong to her against her will.
“jeon jungkook. jeon jungkook.”
that’s not my name. her fingers slip from the messily painted words and she closes her eyes, biting down on her lip hard until she draws blood. there’s no jimin and taehyung around to defend her, or even a yoongi. she stands there, alone, and there’s nothing to fill the silence surrounding her.
she feels so particularly small. each breath becomes more difficult to bear. she doesn’t want it to get bad again. she really doesn’t want it to get bad again.
she takes one step, two steps away from the locker and sets off to her next class, knuckles turning white around the bag straps. school will keep going on, even though jungsook doesn’t want to be part of it.
yoongi is waiting outside the gates at ten as promised, now with a camera around their neck, jamming out to whatever’s in their earbuds. they spot jungsook a few feet away, groggily making her way over after hours and hours of studying, shoulders slumped because of another reason. their eyebrows furrow, but the smile isn’t wiped away from their face as they pop out their earbuds.
“had fun at school?” they ask, stepping aside for jungsook to walk out before walking beside her. they’ve changed clothes, the jeans replaced with a loose black skirt, which makes jungsook all the more confused.
“not necessarily …” she mumbles, eyes narrowing down at the skirt. “why are you wearing that?”
“i feel feminine right now, so i changed before i got here. it looks comfy, doesn’t it?” what does that even mean, jungsook thinks. when jungsook doesn’t answer, yoongi just exhales. “okay. tell me what’s wrong.”
“with the skirt?”
“no, with school. you’ve been having that frown on your face since you walked out of the building. have people been bothering you? any creeps trying to look up your skirt?”
it’s like yoongi can read jungsook’s thoughts like it’s the back of their hand. and it makes jungsook frown more now that she knows she’s so exposed. “... just some stupid people.”
“stupid people who are trying to look up your skirt?”
jungsook’s cheeks burst out in color, and she fervently shakes her head. she isn’t even sure whether yoongi was joking or not. she recalls the words on his locker, the jeers and snickers of her classmates, and suddenly she feels a bit teary. “stupid people who won’t accept me.”
“accept you?” yoongi stops, putting a hand on her shoulder to get jungsook to stop too. “did you confess to someone?”
“no … it’s-” jungsook bites down on her lip to prevent herself from saying ‘i was never born as a girl, and people finally found out.’ “they found out about this really big secret. and now they won’t let me forget how bad they think it is.”
“that sounds intense. what’s the secret?” yoongi lifts their hands defensively when jungsook glares at him. “okay. you don’t have to tell me.” they rub their chin to try to think of a solution, looking over to her. “look, okay … i guess i was in your position before.”
“you don’t understand, yoongi-ssi-”
“hey. of course, i understand. and that’s just yoongi, for you,” they correct before continuing. “i decided to change myself in the middle of high school. because i wanted to be comfortable with myself, you know? but apparently, my classmates weren’t comfortable with me. so they bothered me nonstop.”
“yeah?”
“yeah. it was a tough ride,” yoongi breathes out. “but you know what i did?”
jungsook just shook her head. "no. what?"
“i learned to overcome it.” yoongi breaks out into a soft smile. “because i knew in five years, ten years, these people won’t really matter to me. i’ll be in new worlds, achieving my own dreams, and they won’t be able to interfere.”
jungsook looks down at yoongi. “i guess you’re right …”
“so overcome it, jungsookie.” yoongi pats her shoulder sympathetically. “if you overcome this, nothing else should bother you.”
jungsook meets yoongi again in their usual spot after a few months of walking together and sees them leaning against a pole, eyes closed and earbuds blaring out music. the sight makes her freeze, taking it all in. yoongi in a button-up half-tucked into a skirt, camera strapped around their neck, bobbing their head to whatever hip-hop track they’re listening to.
and when they finally open their eyes and spot her, they break out into this wide stupid smile. yoongi pops out their earbuds to give her their undivided attention. as they make their way towards her, her heart leaps and does a couple of cartwheels and jungsook has to curse to herself.
jungsook thinks she likes yoongi.
"i just don't know what to do," jungkook finishes after she's briefed the boy before her about everything. they've settled into a table all the way in the back for more privacy. another comes back with three caramel macchiatos. all are in different school uniforms, a sign that they should have separated by now but fate kept them together. "jimin oppa, taehyung oppa, don't you have any advice for me?"
"god, it's so cute when you call me oppa," jimin manages to get out before taehyung swings a fist into his arm. he coughs awkwardly, rubbing at where he's hit. "i mean ... so this ... yoongi dude. they've been walking you to school."
"uh huh."
"and you two have been talking for a while."
"mhm."
"and now you like them? but you're worried they just see you as a little sister?"
"very much ..."
"son of a bitch, they stole my girl's hear-- OW!" taehyung innocently kicks jimin in the shin to get him to shut up. it's a success.
taehyung straightens his blazer, clearing his throat. "as jimin might have been trying to say is," he begins. "you shouldn't just assume how someone feels, jungsook-ah. you always have a bad habit of doing that."
"yeah ..." she nervously fixes her wig. "but-"
"you thought we were going to leave you if you told us you were a girl." taehyung sips at his coffee, keeping eye contact with her. "and look what happened. i hugged you for an hour while you were crying, and i still didn't leave until i had to." he sits up with an efforted sigh. "what i'm trying to say is ... we're your friends. we're your best friends. you know we'll always be there for you, whether you're a girl or a boy or whatever. because we love you."
"right ..."
"then ..." jimin leans in towards her, smiling from ear to ear. obviously the kick was only temporary. "let us oppas tell you that you shouldn't think that! anyone would be lucky to date a girl like you, my jungsookie ~"
"park jimin, i swear to fucking god, if you're trying to flirt with her again-"
"i'm not! i'm just saying!" jimin pouts and crosses his arms. "she already rejected me, this kid."
"uh huh. you moved on to hoseok-ssi anyway," jungsook pipes up.
hoseok's in the same dance class as jimin, but he works as the teaching assistant. jimin's cheeks turn pink at the mention of him. jungsook avoids the crumpled up napkin thrown towards her and manages a smile.
jimin was always some sort of an oddball anyway, getting whatever chance he got to make a move even when she presented as a boy. but he knew his distance. he knew respect. the first time she told him she was actually a girl, he just smiled and said "does that mean i can finally make you my girlfriend then?" it earned him a few punches in the chest and the arms. and a lot of hiccuppy crying on his shoulder. there was a lot of back rubbing and petting that day.
"you know, that wig looks itchy. you should take it off," taehyung suggests in hushed whispers.
"my hair's not grown out yet," jungsook mumbles, her lips settling on the edge of the mug.
"it should be reaching your shoulders by now. anyways," taehyung turns when the bell dings upon someone entering. yoongi stands by the door, searching for a certain someone.
"your royalty charming is here."
"they seem nice," is the first thing that immediately comes out of yoongi when they begin walking alongside jungsook. they're wearing a blue button-up shirt and black denim jeans, a comme des garcons beanie shrouding most of their hair. it's a masculine kind of day today, jungsook guesses.
"mm." jungsook nods, nibbling on the hoddeok they had brought for her. yoongi had already done plenty of talking with jimin and taehyung before they left together. more like interrogating, since all her best friends did was throw every single question that popped into their minds towards yoongi's way. "sorry. they're just really protective."
"yeah, i get them. stranger danger, right?"
a bubbly laugh escapes jungsook. "sure. okay. i don't think you even have enough upper body strength to kidnap me though."
"bullshit, have you seen me? i'm totally buff," yoongi replies, flexing their thin arms lacking in muscles and making false gestures in an acting attempt to pick jungsook up. jungsook nearly stumbles in the midst of her laughter. they press against the small of her back to keep her steady. "careful there, sook."
the nickname has jungsook's cheeks flushed, and she clutches onto the sweet pastry in her hand until the syrup begins to ooze out. yoongi notices, letting out a soft exclamation, and takes out a wrinkled napkin from their pocket before wiping her hands.
"you okay?"
jungsook notices that yoongi always asks that, and it's genuine like the other times they've asked her. she just nods her head, letting yoongi wipe away the stickiness and barely brush against her hands with their fingertips. "yoongi ... can i tell you something?"
"shoot." they make their fingers to look like guns, laughing softly.
"do you like me?"
the question has yoongi pausing. "of course i do, jungsook-ah. why wouldn't i?"
"i mean, do you like me enough that you want me to be your girlfriend?"
silence. jungsook expected this. she lowers her head to hide the disappointment evident on her face, stuffing her mouth with hoddeok. she shouldn't have asked that.
"did you think i didn't?"
jungsook lifts her head, seeing the concern lining on yoongi's features. "well ... yeah," she answers, mouth full of sweetness until she swallows. "i'm four years younger than you, and i ... i wasn't born a girl." she braces herself for the disgust, the rejection, everything. but instead she's met with a sigh.
"that's the problem? jungsook, you've been walking with a person who switches their gender almost every single day," yoongi exasperates, taking off their beanie to run their hand through their hair. "and a lot of my college friends are dating younger people. what makes this any different?"
the words sink into jungsook's cheeks and turn into red. "what do you mean, yoongi?"
"what i mean is. well. gah, how can i say this without messing up?" yoongi steps closer and gently pulls jungsook in, placing the beanie on her head. "what i mean is ... i like you. i've been liking you. a lot, you know?"
jungsook's face must be completely bright red by now. "really?"
yoongi grins twistedly and takes her free hand into both of theirs, bravely moving to press a kiss against her cheek. "yeah. why do you think i've been walking you to school all this time?"
jungsook meets yoongi at the door of her house for a date this time. her datefriend -- she likes the sound of that, datefriend -- happily pulls out their earbuds and greets her with their usual smile. today, they’re wearing a navy shirt dress and a beanie to match. “it’s a femme day today,” they announce proudly, hands against their hips. jungsook feels a bit self-conscious in her hooded sweatshirt and skirt combo, but she’s comfortable. both of them are comfortable.
“everything okay on your part?” yoongi asks quietly.
is everything okay? jungsook shivers at how gentle yoongi speaks, and how soft their fingers feel against her palm. she just nods, fitting her own fingers into the empty spaces, locking their hands in place. she doesn’t know when they can let go. she doesn’t know if she ever wants to let go.
“take this silly thing off,” yoongi insists and reaches over to tug the wig, cap and all, off of her, revealing black locks that still appear to be a bit too short. jungsook cowers at this. “you’re still jungsook even without this.”
jungsook. still jungsook.