(no subject)
I am having a really hard time with how my pregnancy is progressing. there's going to be a lot of emotion spewed here in the next few days. probably a few things said that shouldn't be said but that I need to get out.
I hate my body. I hate that right now, unless I am in bed, I am having bad cramps and feeling like hell. yesterday and today, I got celestone injections to help the baby's lungs mature in case I go into labor early. the steroids are fucking with my blood sugar and sleep.
my sister is here to help me out but is mostly making me nervous, fidgety and furious. she spent 17 hours sleeping today. I got three hours of sleep. maybe four.
I hate that my beautiful birth experience has been taken away. and please do not tell me that the only outcome I should care about is a healthy baby. of fucking course that's what I want and of course I will do whatever I can to make that happen. I am mourning the loss of something that will probably never come again.
I will never have the chance to birth a healthy, normal baby. I will likely never have a healthy normal pregnancy. and despite all of the efforts I've made with my diabetes, I have to wonder if that is the reason for this whole nightmare.
and I fucking hate myself for it.
right now, if I keep contracting, I will be back on strict bed rest until the baby makes his way out. if that is what happens, I will probably not be able to keep Alena here because I don't have any reliable way to care for her while I can't get up and down. that thought guts me.
then there is the total strain this is all putting on my husband. and the guilt I feel for that.
and the fact that right now, I am so angry at myself, that j can't stop being furious at everyone around me.
we need help desperately, but really don't know where to turn without huge amounts of guilt or stress.
seriously. I keep reading about all of these moms and dads who have families and friends rally around them when they get put on bed rest, and I wonder what in the hell is wrong with me.
instead of feeling loved and supported, I'm feeling deserted and freak-like. part of me wonders if I am just expecting too much from everyone else, including Anthony, and if I shouldn't just do what needs to be done and have the baby whenever he ends up coming.
I just really don't want this to become another "jen is whining again" post. so let me boil it all down...
I quit. I can keep being happy and okay and tolerant and accepting and smiling when I am fucking dying inside for everything to just be okay.
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