Gift fic for arashijun
Title: Mend
Pairing/Characters: Subaru/Yasu, Ryo/Yasu
Rating: PG
Warnings: Some angst, AU
Notes: For arashijun. I’m not quite sure where this came from and how it became this, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!
Summary: Yasu is an artist on the verge of a breakthrough. Subaru is his reluctant muse.
“Subaru,” Yasu says, and there’s something in his voice, something low and sad and serious that Subaru’s never heard from him before, and it makes him look at his face, really look. “I need to talk to you.”
Subaru nods dumbly. He doesn’t want to hear, wants to bolt, but he knows that now isn’t the time to be a coward. He has to be an adult, for once in his life, and listen.
Yasu sits down on the floor in front of him and takes his hand in both of his own. Subaru feels sick. It’s too late for regrets now, too late to be sorry.
Yasu’s eyes are shining, and he swallows like he has a lump in his throat. When he speaks, his voice is hoarse and rough. “I have to confess something,” he says.
Subaru’s stomach drops and his heart is racing. There’s only one scenario that can follow that, and Subaru thinks it might be even worse than he feared when Yasu first spoke to him. Subaru won’t guess though; he won’t put words in Yasu’s mouth or give him any ideas. He wants to hear it directly from him.
Yasu is wavering. Subaru can’t bear it, wants to yell at him to just come out with it, get it over with, let him start to deal with it. See if he can.
Yasu wets his lips, swallows hard. “I slept with someone,” he says quietly.
Subaru isn’t totally surprised when he finally says it, but it’s still like a lead weight settling in his stomach. He feels cold, and dull, and stupid.
“It just happened once,” Yasu is saying. “I’m sorry.”
He goes quiet then, and that worries Subaru more. Yasu isn’t making excuses. He isn’t begging Subaru for forgiveness. It’s more like he’s assuming Subaru knows his reasons, that he doesn’t want to embarrass them both by dissecting it. And Subaru does know, and it’s bitter.
“Who was it?” he has to ask. If it’s just some random guy, then maybe this sickening ache inside him will ease, but what if it’s someone he knows? He feels like he’ll break in two.
Yasu closes his eyes for a moment, his face pained. “Ryo,” he says, his voice not much more than a whisper.
Subaru’s jaw clenches. He doesn’t even feel surprised. He knew they were good friends, he should’ve seen this coming. They’re similar, Subaru and Ryo, but Ryo is smarter, more fun, less moody. When Subaru pushed Yasu away, Ryo must’ve been there to pick him up.
“So, what now?” he says. His voice doesn’t sound like hiw own.
“I don’t know,” says Yasu. He looks sad, defeated. “What do you want to do?”
Subaru feels even more uneasy at that. “Shouldn’t you be asking me to forgive you?” he asks dully.
“Do you want to?” Yasu responds, a little more sharply.
Subaru thinks, and thinks again. He knows what Yasu is getting at. Subaru knows he can’t deny Yasu had reason to look elsewhere, even if it hurts him. But just knowing how much it hurts him tells him that yes, he wants to. It might be hard, but he does want to fight for what he has with Yasu - he can’t just let it go, not like this. They have to at least try.
“I want to, if you do,” mumbles Subaru.
“Really?” Yasu asks, and he doesn’t look quite as sombre as he did a moment ago.
"Yeah, really," says Subaru, trying to put his whole heart into the words. "I don't want to lose you." It feels like more of a confession now than ever.
Yasu puts his hands over his face. His shoulders are shaking.
"But if you don't want to leave me, why'd you do it?" Subaru blurts out, and even as he says it, it feels wrong. He knows the answer, but he can’t get the question right.
Yasu wipes his face with his hand. He meets Subaru’s eyes, and Subaru feels even more uncomfortable. He wishes he hadn’t asked, because he’s not ignorant, not at all.
***
“So, what’s this important news you couldn’t wait to tell me?” asks Subaru, as he opens the door to let Yasu in.
Yasu beams at him delightedly. “They accepted my work for the exhibition!” he exclaims, throwing his arms round Subaru’s neck and hugging and kissing him.
“Well done, that’s great!” Subaru says. “Remind me, when is it?”
“It starts on July 25th,” Yasu replies. “So I have eight weeks to get all my work finished and polished and ready!”
Subaru raises his eyebrows. “Wow, are you sure you can get it done by then?”
Yasu isn’t sure if he’s being sarcastic, or if he really doubts his ability. “Well, it’s always hard to know when something’s completely finished, I know,” he says, “But I have my major piece nearly done - that’s what I showed them, and they accepted me!” He can’t keep the smile off his face - it feels like a real achievement, a big step in his career. He knows he needs to do his absolute best, put in all the effort he possibly can, because this is a good chance for him to be noticed. “I can submit a total of five - maybe I can even sell them!”
“Really? You think you will?” Subaru asks, raising his eyebrows.
“Well, I don’t know, but I guess we’ll see!” Yasu refuses to let his enthusiasm be dampened. He sits down with Subaru on the arm of his chair, their knees touching. “I’d love to do a piece about you, if you’ll let me?” He sounds timid asking, even to himself.
Subaru turns to look up at him. “Me? You really want to make some art about me?” He sounds disbelieving, as if he isn’t sure whether Yasu is joking or not. “I’m not sure I’m the right kind of subject matter,” he adds sardonically.
Yasu giggles. “It’s not just about what you look like, it’s about my interpretation,” he explains. “So it’s my feelings I’ll be putting into it.”
Subaru raises his eyebrows. “Well, I guess you can,” he says, sounding a little wary still. “I’m going to have to approve it though...”
Yasu smiles and kisses Subaru’s temple. “I’ll try and do you justice.”
The next day, Yasu turns up with pads of paper, bags full of pencils and brushes and all sorts. Subaru pretends to sigh resignedly and goes to pull his t-shirt over his head.
“What are you doing?” Yasu laughs.
Subaru looks at him, straight-faced. “Well, you’re doing art about me right? So surely you’ll want me to be naked?”
Yasu giggles. “It’s not a requirement!” he says, but he steps closer to Subaru as he goes on. “But if you really insist, I could use some inspiration.”
Subaru grins. “Well, we do need to celebrate your success, too,” he says his voice dropping lower as he puts his hands on Yasu’s hips.
Later, when they’re in Subaru’s bed, warm and satisfied, Yasu slips out and comes back with his sketchbook and pencils. Half-asleep, Subaru watches him as he starts to draw, his expression focussed and intense. He doesn’t get Yasu’s art at all, it’s not something he can understand, but he’s a little intrigued by what the result is going to be. He knows Yasu’s art is pretty unique, and he’s a little worried about how it might turn out - he’s a bit afraid to know how Yasu really sees him, through his artist’s eyes. He’s flattered, of course, but now he thinks about it... he feels a bit uncomfortable about being under this kind of scrutiny.
When he falls asleep, Yasu is still working.
***
“You don’t have any plans tonight, do you?” Yasu doesn’t wait for an answer, he’s already bringing more materials in through the door.
“Well, no, but...” Subaru protests weakly as Yasu takes off his shoes and deposits his stuff all over the place.
“It’s OK, you don’t have to do anything special,” Yasu says. “Just carry on with what you’re doing, and I’ll keep working on the piece!”
Subaru frowns. “But it’ll be weird, being... observed,” he protests.
“You won’t even notice!” Yasu says cheerfully. “You should be used to me, it’s not like I never come around!”
“Yeah, but...” ’This is my space,’ Subaru wants to say. He doesn’t want to feel self-conscious, even though he’s not doing anything he wants to hide from Yasu.
He knows Yasu knows what he’s thinking. “This wouldn’t be a problem if we just had a place together,” Yasu says mildly. “Then it’d be ours, it wouldn’t be like I was invading your personal property... And I wouldn’t have to keep lugging my gear over, either,” he adds pointedly.
Subaru sighs. “But I like having my personal property,” he points out. He doesn’t know how he can make this any clearer; Yasu should get it by now, he can’t wear Subaru down! “I need somewhere that’s just for me.”
Yasu shakes his head. “Well, I won’t take up too much space, and I won’t stay too long,” he says vaguely. Subaru knows from experience that that might not hold much meaning.
Subaru tries to just relax and act as if Yasu isn’t there, just carries on with his game - but it’s weird, it feels so strange to have Yasu there and not be actually doing something with him. Like making out. He's tried to distract him, but Yasu barely even pays him any attention. Subaru feels like he's competing with himself. Maybe he's competing with Yasu's ideal version of him. That thought is slightly worrying too. Art is a mystical and mystifying thing to him, who knows what it means to Yasu.
He decides to just ignore him and push it to the back of his mind, try not to feel like he’s involved in some creepy participant observation, and goes back to his game again. The next time he looks around, he doesn’t know how long has passed, but Yasu seems to be asleep on the sofa, his sketchbook face down on his lap.
He opens his eyes lazily when Subaru goes over.
“Is it OK if I stay over?” he asks meekly, his voice husky with sleep.
Subaru rolls his eyes. “I suppose so.”
***
“Well, you’ll be pleased to know I’m done with my sketches - I can stop getting in your way now,” Yasu says. “You can have your space back!”
Subaru can’t really tell if there’s any accusation in his words or not. He knows if it were him, there would be. “Alright,” he says, trying for a neutral tone. “So... what are you going to do now?” he asks vaguely. He doesn’t know much about the artistic process.
“I’m going to paint,” Yasu says. “So I’d better do that at my place, wouldn’t want to make a mess here,” he adds with a little smile.
Subaru snorts. His apartment isn’t particularly tidy, but Yasu’s is on another level. “Yeah, can’t do any harm at yours,” he says dryly.
Yasu jabs him with his elbow. “I need a lot of materials!” he protests. He gives Subaru a kiss. “I’m gonna get down to it, but let me know if you’re going out or anything, I might need a break!”
“Sure, sure,” Subaru agrees. He doesn’t have any plans right now beyond playing games - he hasn’t seen any decent jobs advertised lately, and the band haven’t had a gig in weeks. If Yasu’s going to be busy, he’ll probably need something to occupy his time.
***
“So this is why you’ve been ignoring my calls,” Ryo remarks as Yasu shows him into his painting room.
Yasu laughs. “I haven’t been ignoring them!” he explains. “I just didn’t notice... I’ve been pretty caught up in my work.”
“So I see,” Ryo says, with the air of one who doesn’t know what he’s really looking at.
“They’re not all done yet,” Yasu says. He’s used to having to explain his work to people. “But they’re coming along, I guess.”
“So I guess you’re too busy to come out?” Ryo asks.
"Sorry," says Yasu with a sheepish little smile. "But there's some beer in the fridge if you want to hang out?"
That seems agreeable to Ryo, and he settles himself down on the floor to watch Yasu work. "You don't mind?" he asks. "You don't feel protective of your work before it's finished, or anything?"
"Not really," Yasu says after a moment's pause. “Not from friends, anyway,” he adds with a smile.
“So what does Subaru think of your artistic interpretation of him?” Ryo asks after a while.
“He hasn’t said anything...” Yasu says carefully.
Ryo raises an eyebrow. “Has he seen them?” he asks, gesturing at the pictures.
“Not since I started adding the paint,” Yasu says. “Maybe he just wants to see the finished product,” he adds with a small smile.
Ryo’s expression suggests he doesn’t necessarily agree. “If it were me, I’d want to keep an eye on proceedings,” he points out. “And I bet you’ve invited him to come look, haven’t you?”
“Yeah, well, I told him I’d be busy so I guess he’s found other things to do,” Yasu says, as breezily as he can. He can feel how much Ryo wants to say something, because even as he says it he knows it sounds lame and naive, but he knows how Subaru is. He won’t pretend, he can’t be made to do things if they’re not on his list right now - Yasu’s accepted that.
“I guess you know him better,” Ryo says, but Yasu can hear the barely disguised scepticism in his voice.
Yasu isn’t going to argue with him. He knows he won’t win, but that probably means Ryo has a point.
“Well, don’t become a crazy hermit artist,” Ryo warns. “I know it wouldn’t take much for you to end up cutting an ear off or something. I’ll come check on you.”
Yasu chuckles. “So considerate of you,” he says. He means it, even if Ryo says it with a scowl on his face.
***
“Shibuyan! Finally! I’ve been trying to get hold of you for ages!”
“Sorry, I’ve been out a bit. To some gigs and stuff.”
“Oh... Anybody good?”
“Yeah, pretty good.”
“Well, that’s good. Who did you go with?”
“Rikki, Ryota, Makki, Hasshi... those guys.”
“Hasshi? Is that guy old enough to go to gigs and stuff yet?!”
“He’s 19!”
“Anyway, I wondered if you wanted to come over and see the paintings yet? I’ve pretty much finished a couple of them. Do you want to see if you approve?”
“I’m not at home right now. But I can’t tell you what to do. You’ll just do your own thing anyway, it’s your art.”
“I guess so. But I only have a few more weeks - I won’t be able to change it if you want me to...”
“Would you change it anyway?”
“If you really didn’t like what I’d done, I’d at least try.”
“If you do something I wouldn’t like, wouldn’t you know?”
“...I suppose I would.”
***
“You look like shit, man,” is Ryo’s kindly greeting the next time he shows up at Yasu’s door.
Yasu sighs. “I can’t get them right,” he says, and goes right back to his paintings, frowning at them.
Ryo doesn’t speak for a moment. “You’ve really changed direction with these, huh,” he says eventually.
Yasu keeps looking at the paintings. “Hmm?” he says, as if he hasn’t really heard. “I just keep trying to get to where I want them to be, but... I can’t see it anymore. I don’t know what to do to get them right. I don’t even know what I’m looking for.”
Ryo tugs at his arm firmly. “Give it a rest for a bit. You need to have a break, then start afresh.”
Yasu reluctantly lets himself be pulled into the kitchen, and Ryo presses a beer into his hand.
“How come you’re so stressed? You usually take this stuff in your stride,” he asks.
Yasu takes a long drink of his beer. He doesn’t want to say it. He doesn’t want to see the knowing look on Ryo’s face, doesn’t want his pity. But he wants to talk. Maybe he is going a bit crazy, shut up at home without human contact... There are things on his mind, maybe it’ll ease them if he confides in Ryo.
“Shibuyan still hasn’t been to look at what I’ve done. I’ve only even been able to speak to him a few times, he’s off doing stuff with his other friends. I mean, it’s not like this hasn’t happened before, he has these... phases, y’know, where he wants to do his own thing, but right now...” Yasu takes a deep breath before he loses it. “I really would’ve liked his support when I’ve been doing this, y’know?”
Ryo narrows his eyes. “You shouldn’t put up with that,” he admonishes. “Especially not if he’s done it before, what the hell Shota!”
“Everyone needs their own space,” Yasu protests loyally, though his heart isn’t in it.
“But it’s not his own space if he’s just ditching you to have fun with other people,” Ryo points out.
Yasu bites his lip. “I wouldn’t mind so much,” he says in a small voice, “But this one kid... he’s still a teenager... and I know he has a crush on Shibuyan. And he’s not shy...” Yasu’s scared, but he doesn’t want to say any more out loud, doesn’t want to make it seem real. He doesn’t think Subaru would go out of his way to hurt him... but he might not be so careful to avoid it happening anyway.
“Come on Shota, stop making excuses for him,” Ryo says. “You should have more self-respect. There’s loads of guys who’d treat you better.”
Ryo believes in tough love, but Yasu finds himself wanting to believe it. He’s always tried to be patient with Subaru, always been easy-going, but now he wants to be mad, he wants to rage and blame him and get every frustration out.
He drinks the rest of his beer in one go. “I think I know what to do with my last painting,” he says.
***
“I don’t know if you’ll get this, but if you do, please... My exhibition opens on Friday. If you want to see the paintings before then just come around... If not, please, at least come to the opening? It’d mean a lot to me.”
From: Shibuyan
Received: 00.35
It’s a bit late for you to change the paintings now isn’t it? So I’ll just see them at the exhibition. But I really don’t want to come on the first day - there’ll be more people there and they’ll all be asking you about the paintings and you’ll have to say they’re about me and it’ll be embarrassing and awkward. I’ll come one day during the week.
To: Shibuyan
Sent: 00.45
Please try and come. Just to see them, before the exhibition opens to the public - I’ll be there at 6pm, you’d only have to stay for a little while. Please think about it?
***
“He didn’t show up, did he?” Ryo asks. To his credit, his tone isn’t quite as brutal as Yasu might expect from him.
Yasu just shakes his head. “I knew he wouldn’t,” he says resignedly. “Too many people, too much artiness, too much focus on him because of my work...” He gives a hollow laugh. “As if I’m Damien Hirst or something!”
Ryo shifts awkwardly from foot to foot. “Sorry, man.”
Yasu shakes his head. “It’s alright,” he says automatically, because he’s offloaded enough of his problems onto Ryo, but it hurts, and he’s grateful to have a friend right now.
“C’mon, let’s go out for a drink or something,” Ryo says.
“I’d rather stay in,” Yasu says. He doesn’t want to be in tears in a bar. He’s had enough pity just from Ryo.
“Well, let’s stay in and drink then,” Ryo says.
Yasu manages a very small smile. “I’ve got some wine.”
Drinking isn’t going to make it any easier to think about Subaru, not when it’s a sore wound in his heart like this. But it seems like the thing to do. When he tries to imagine talking to Subaru, he feels a piece of ice inside him - he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. So he keeps drinking.
“He’s been cold before but I guess I just put up with it,” he hears himself saying. “But I don’t know if I can anymore.” He’s been with Subaru for years, it always felt right, even through the bad times, but this feels more personal than anything. Yasu feels like Subaru really can’t care about the thing that’s most important to Yasu, and that tears him up inside.
Ryo’s arm is round him. “He doesn’t deserve you,” he mumbles. He looks into Yasu’s face, and suddenly Yasu sees something he should’ve seen all along. “I’ve cared about you for a long time,” says Ryo softly, and Yasu’s heart is suddenly racing.
Just like the wine, it doesn’t matter if it’s a good idea or not, and Yasu has no illusions that two wrongs make a right, but he’s feeling hurt and spiteful enough that he wants to do it anyway, wants to imagine Subaru’s reaction, wants him to feel this pain too.
But maybe Subaru wouldn’t even be affected. That just adds an extra sting.
But Ryo is there, and his kisses are good, and his hands are warm and his body is hot and he treats Yasu the way he wants. But in the morning, all Yasu can say is, “I’m sorry.”
Ryo nods. “I understand,” he says. “But y’know, if you talk to him and he’s being a fucking jerk, just finish it, okay? I’ll be here.”
Yasu smiles. “But not for long, right?”
Ryo gives a soft chuckle. “Yeah, get me before I’m gone.”
***
“Why’d I do it?” Yasu repeats. “You mean, why did I tell you?” he asks, his voice hardening a little. “I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to see your face when I told you, and see how you felt about it.” He sighs. “I was worried that maybe you wouldn’t feel anything at all. But y’know, it doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“What would make you feel better?” mumbles Subaru. He does want to mend this, he doesn’t want Yasu to hurt, and he knows he can’t really act aggrieved. But he can think of one thing he can do.
***
Subaru doesn’t know much about art - he can’t draw stick men, and he’s never voluntarily been in an art gallery in his life before - but he knows Yasu. And these paintings... they're like nothing he's ever known from him before. They're... troubled, clouded. He sees himself there, and it’s distant, ugly. Subaru feels ashamed.
He doesn’t want to face Yasu, but if he’s serious, he has to prove it. But it’s difficult.
He goes straight to Yasu’s house, rests his head on his shoulder. “I don’t know if I can be good enough for you,” he mumbles. “I’ll just do the same again. I might as well let you go.”
Yasu is silent. “You might as well, if you’re not even going to try,” he says. He sounds sad, like he did when he first told Subaru what he’d done.
Subaru’s heart clenches desperately. “But I don’t want to lose you,” he says, like he did before, clings to that truth, and hopes Yasu believes it too. “I don’t want to be the person in those paintings any more.”
Yasu’s expression begins to soften. “If you understood that then that’s a start,” he murmurs. “I think you know what you have to do.”
Yasu’s right. Subaru thinks he’ll always try and remember, he doesn’t want to be the guy who could make someone like Yasu feel that way. And he doesn’t want to feel like he did when Yasu confessed he’d been with another man. He might not feel like he deserves another chance, but Yasu wants to give him one, and he should grasp it with both hands. He might only have himself to fight, but it’s worth trying to win.
Pairing/Characters: Subaru/Yasu, Ryo/Yasu
Rating: PG
Warnings: Some angst, AU
Notes: For arashijun. I’m not quite sure where this came from and how it became this, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!
Summary: Yasu is an artist on the verge of a breakthrough. Subaru is his reluctant muse.
“Subaru,” Yasu says, and there’s something in his voice, something low and sad and serious that Subaru’s never heard from him before, and it makes him look at his face, really look. “I need to talk to you.”
Subaru nods dumbly. He doesn’t want to hear, wants to bolt, but he knows that now isn’t the time to be a coward. He has to be an adult, for once in his life, and listen.
Yasu sits down on the floor in front of him and takes his hand in both of his own. Subaru feels sick. It’s too late for regrets now, too late to be sorry.
Yasu’s eyes are shining, and he swallows like he has a lump in his throat. When he speaks, his voice is hoarse and rough. “I have to confess something,” he says.
Subaru’s stomach drops and his heart is racing. There’s only one scenario that can follow that, and Subaru thinks it might be even worse than he feared when Yasu first spoke to him. Subaru won’t guess though; he won’t put words in Yasu’s mouth or give him any ideas. He wants to hear it directly from him.
Yasu is wavering. Subaru can’t bear it, wants to yell at him to just come out with it, get it over with, let him start to deal with it. See if he can.
Yasu wets his lips, swallows hard. “I slept with someone,” he says quietly.
Subaru isn’t totally surprised when he finally says it, but it’s still like a lead weight settling in his stomach. He feels cold, and dull, and stupid.
“It just happened once,” Yasu is saying. “I’m sorry.”
He goes quiet then, and that worries Subaru more. Yasu isn’t making excuses. He isn’t begging Subaru for forgiveness. It’s more like he’s assuming Subaru knows his reasons, that he doesn’t want to embarrass them both by dissecting it. And Subaru does know, and it’s bitter.
“Who was it?” he has to ask. If it’s just some random guy, then maybe this sickening ache inside him will ease, but what if it’s someone he knows? He feels like he’ll break in two.
Yasu closes his eyes for a moment, his face pained. “Ryo,” he says, his voice not much more than a whisper.
Subaru’s jaw clenches. He doesn’t even feel surprised. He knew they were good friends, he should’ve seen this coming. They’re similar, Subaru and Ryo, but Ryo is smarter, more fun, less moody. When Subaru pushed Yasu away, Ryo must’ve been there to pick him up.
“So, what now?” he says. His voice doesn’t sound like hiw own.
“I don’t know,” says Yasu. He looks sad, defeated. “What do you want to do?”
Subaru feels even more uneasy at that. “Shouldn’t you be asking me to forgive you?” he asks dully.
“Do you want to?” Yasu responds, a little more sharply.
Subaru thinks, and thinks again. He knows what Yasu is getting at. Subaru knows he can’t deny Yasu had reason to look elsewhere, even if it hurts him. But just knowing how much it hurts him tells him that yes, he wants to. It might be hard, but he does want to fight for what he has with Yasu - he can’t just let it go, not like this. They have to at least try.
“I want to, if you do,” mumbles Subaru.
“Really?” Yasu asks, and he doesn’t look quite as sombre as he did a moment ago.
"Yeah, really," says Subaru, trying to put his whole heart into the words. "I don't want to lose you." It feels like more of a confession now than ever.
Yasu puts his hands over his face. His shoulders are shaking.
"But if you don't want to leave me, why'd you do it?" Subaru blurts out, and even as he says it, it feels wrong. He knows the answer, but he can’t get the question right.
Yasu wipes his face with his hand. He meets Subaru’s eyes, and Subaru feels even more uncomfortable. He wishes he hadn’t asked, because he’s not ignorant, not at all.
***
“So, what’s this important news you couldn’t wait to tell me?” asks Subaru, as he opens the door to let Yasu in.
Yasu beams at him delightedly. “They accepted my work for the exhibition!” he exclaims, throwing his arms round Subaru’s neck and hugging and kissing him.
“Well done, that’s great!” Subaru says. “Remind me, when is it?”
“It starts on July 25th,” Yasu replies. “So I have eight weeks to get all my work finished and polished and ready!”
Subaru raises his eyebrows. “Wow, are you sure you can get it done by then?”
Yasu isn’t sure if he’s being sarcastic, or if he really doubts his ability. “Well, it’s always hard to know when something’s completely finished, I know,” he says, “But I have my major piece nearly done - that’s what I showed them, and they accepted me!” He can’t keep the smile off his face - it feels like a real achievement, a big step in his career. He knows he needs to do his absolute best, put in all the effort he possibly can, because this is a good chance for him to be noticed. “I can submit a total of five - maybe I can even sell them!”
“Really? You think you will?” Subaru asks, raising his eyebrows.
“Well, I don’t know, but I guess we’ll see!” Yasu refuses to let his enthusiasm be dampened. He sits down with Subaru on the arm of his chair, their knees touching. “I’d love to do a piece about you, if you’ll let me?” He sounds timid asking, even to himself.
Subaru turns to look up at him. “Me? You really want to make some art about me?” He sounds disbelieving, as if he isn’t sure whether Yasu is joking or not. “I’m not sure I’m the right kind of subject matter,” he adds sardonically.
Yasu giggles. “It’s not just about what you look like, it’s about my interpretation,” he explains. “So it’s my feelings I’ll be putting into it.”
Subaru raises his eyebrows. “Well, I guess you can,” he says, sounding a little wary still. “I’m going to have to approve it though...”
Yasu smiles and kisses Subaru’s temple. “I’ll try and do you justice.”
The next day, Yasu turns up with pads of paper, bags full of pencils and brushes and all sorts. Subaru pretends to sigh resignedly and goes to pull his t-shirt over his head.
“What are you doing?” Yasu laughs.
Subaru looks at him, straight-faced. “Well, you’re doing art about me right? So surely you’ll want me to be naked?”
Yasu giggles. “It’s not a requirement!” he says, but he steps closer to Subaru as he goes on. “But if you really insist, I could use some inspiration.”
Subaru grins. “Well, we do need to celebrate your success, too,” he says his voice dropping lower as he puts his hands on Yasu’s hips.
Later, when they’re in Subaru’s bed, warm and satisfied, Yasu slips out and comes back with his sketchbook and pencils. Half-asleep, Subaru watches him as he starts to draw, his expression focussed and intense. He doesn’t get Yasu’s art at all, it’s not something he can understand, but he’s a little intrigued by what the result is going to be. He knows Yasu’s art is pretty unique, and he’s a little worried about how it might turn out - he’s a bit afraid to know how Yasu really sees him, through his artist’s eyes. He’s flattered, of course, but now he thinks about it... he feels a bit uncomfortable about being under this kind of scrutiny.
When he falls asleep, Yasu is still working.
***
“You don’t have any plans tonight, do you?” Yasu doesn’t wait for an answer, he’s already bringing more materials in through the door.
“Well, no, but...” Subaru protests weakly as Yasu takes off his shoes and deposits his stuff all over the place.
“It’s OK, you don’t have to do anything special,” Yasu says. “Just carry on with what you’re doing, and I’ll keep working on the piece!”
Subaru frowns. “But it’ll be weird, being... observed,” he protests.
“You won’t even notice!” Yasu says cheerfully. “You should be used to me, it’s not like I never come around!”
“Yeah, but...” ’This is my space,’ Subaru wants to say. He doesn’t want to feel self-conscious, even though he’s not doing anything he wants to hide from Yasu.
He knows Yasu knows what he’s thinking. “This wouldn’t be a problem if we just had a place together,” Yasu says mildly. “Then it’d be ours, it wouldn’t be like I was invading your personal property... And I wouldn’t have to keep lugging my gear over, either,” he adds pointedly.
Subaru sighs. “But I like having my personal property,” he points out. He doesn’t know how he can make this any clearer; Yasu should get it by now, he can’t wear Subaru down! “I need somewhere that’s just for me.”
Yasu shakes his head. “Well, I won’t take up too much space, and I won’t stay too long,” he says vaguely. Subaru knows from experience that that might not hold much meaning.
Subaru tries to just relax and act as if Yasu isn’t there, just carries on with his game - but it’s weird, it feels so strange to have Yasu there and not be actually doing something with him. Like making out. He's tried to distract him, but Yasu barely even pays him any attention. Subaru feels like he's competing with himself. Maybe he's competing with Yasu's ideal version of him. That thought is slightly worrying too. Art is a mystical and mystifying thing to him, who knows what it means to Yasu.
He decides to just ignore him and push it to the back of his mind, try not to feel like he’s involved in some creepy participant observation, and goes back to his game again. The next time he looks around, he doesn’t know how long has passed, but Yasu seems to be asleep on the sofa, his sketchbook face down on his lap.
He opens his eyes lazily when Subaru goes over.
“Is it OK if I stay over?” he asks meekly, his voice husky with sleep.
Subaru rolls his eyes. “I suppose so.”
***
“Well, you’ll be pleased to know I’m done with my sketches - I can stop getting in your way now,” Yasu says. “You can have your space back!”
Subaru can’t really tell if there’s any accusation in his words or not. He knows if it were him, there would be. “Alright,” he says, trying for a neutral tone. “So... what are you going to do now?” he asks vaguely. He doesn’t know much about the artistic process.
“I’m going to paint,” Yasu says. “So I’d better do that at my place, wouldn’t want to make a mess here,” he adds with a little smile.
Subaru snorts. His apartment isn’t particularly tidy, but Yasu’s is on another level. “Yeah, can’t do any harm at yours,” he says dryly.
Yasu jabs him with his elbow. “I need a lot of materials!” he protests. He gives Subaru a kiss. “I’m gonna get down to it, but let me know if you’re going out or anything, I might need a break!”
“Sure, sure,” Subaru agrees. He doesn’t have any plans right now beyond playing games - he hasn’t seen any decent jobs advertised lately, and the band haven’t had a gig in weeks. If Yasu’s going to be busy, he’ll probably need something to occupy his time.
***
“So this is why you’ve been ignoring my calls,” Ryo remarks as Yasu shows him into his painting room.
Yasu laughs. “I haven’t been ignoring them!” he explains. “I just didn’t notice... I’ve been pretty caught up in my work.”
“So I see,” Ryo says, with the air of one who doesn’t know what he’s really looking at.
“They’re not all done yet,” Yasu says. He’s used to having to explain his work to people. “But they’re coming along, I guess.”
“So I guess you’re too busy to come out?” Ryo asks.
"Sorry," says Yasu with a sheepish little smile. "But there's some beer in the fridge if you want to hang out?"
That seems agreeable to Ryo, and he settles himself down on the floor to watch Yasu work. "You don't mind?" he asks. "You don't feel protective of your work before it's finished, or anything?"
"Not really," Yasu says after a moment's pause. “Not from friends, anyway,” he adds with a smile.
“So what does Subaru think of your artistic interpretation of him?” Ryo asks after a while.
“He hasn’t said anything...” Yasu says carefully.
Ryo raises an eyebrow. “Has he seen them?” he asks, gesturing at the pictures.
“Not since I started adding the paint,” Yasu says. “Maybe he just wants to see the finished product,” he adds with a small smile.
Ryo’s expression suggests he doesn’t necessarily agree. “If it were me, I’d want to keep an eye on proceedings,” he points out. “And I bet you’ve invited him to come look, haven’t you?”
“Yeah, well, I told him I’d be busy so I guess he’s found other things to do,” Yasu says, as breezily as he can. He can feel how much Ryo wants to say something, because even as he says it he knows it sounds lame and naive, but he knows how Subaru is. He won’t pretend, he can’t be made to do things if they’re not on his list right now - Yasu’s accepted that.
“I guess you know him better,” Ryo says, but Yasu can hear the barely disguised scepticism in his voice.
Yasu isn’t going to argue with him. He knows he won’t win, but that probably means Ryo has a point.
“Well, don’t become a crazy hermit artist,” Ryo warns. “I know it wouldn’t take much for you to end up cutting an ear off or something. I’ll come check on you.”
Yasu chuckles. “So considerate of you,” he says. He means it, even if Ryo says it with a scowl on his face.
***
“Shibuyan! Finally! I’ve been trying to get hold of you for ages!”
“Sorry, I’ve been out a bit. To some gigs and stuff.”
“Oh... Anybody good?”
“Yeah, pretty good.”
“Well, that’s good. Who did you go with?”
“Rikki, Ryota, Makki, Hasshi... those guys.”
“Hasshi? Is that guy old enough to go to gigs and stuff yet?!”
“He’s 19!”
“Anyway, I wondered if you wanted to come over and see the paintings yet? I’ve pretty much finished a couple of them. Do you want to see if you approve?”
“I’m not at home right now. But I can’t tell you what to do. You’ll just do your own thing anyway, it’s your art.”
“I guess so. But I only have a few more weeks - I won’t be able to change it if you want me to...”
“Would you change it anyway?”
“If you really didn’t like what I’d done, I’d at least try.”
“If you do something I wouldn’t like, wouldn’t you know?”
“...I suppose I would.”
***
“You look like shit, man,” is Ryo’s kindly greeting the next time he shows up at Yasu’s door.
Yasu sighs. “I can’t get them right,” he says, and goes right back to his paintings, frowning at them.
Ryo doesn’t speak for a moment. “You’ve really changed direction with these, huh,” he says eventually.
Yasu keeps looking at the paintings. “Hmm?” he says, as if he hasn’t really heard. “I just keep trying to get to where I want them to be, but... I can’t see it anymore. I don’t know what to do to get them right. I don’t even know what I’m looking for.”
Ryo tugs at his arm firmly. “Give it a rest for a bit. You need to have a break, then start afresh.”
Yasu reluctantly lets himself be pulled into the kitchen, and Ryo presses a beer into his hand.
“How come you’re so stressed? You usually take this stuff in your stride,” he asks.
Yasu takes a long drink of his beer. He doesn’t want to say it. He doesn’t want to see the knowing look on Ryo’s face, doesn’t want his pity. But he wants to talk. Maybe he is going a bit crazy, shut up at home without human contact... There are things on his mind, maybe it’ll ease them if he confides in Ryo.
“Shibuyan still hasn’t been to look at what I’ve done. I’ve only even been able to speak to him a few times, he’s off doing stuff with his other friends. I mean, it’s not like this hasn’t happened before, he has these... phases, y’know, where he wants to do his own thing, but right now...” Yasu takes a deep breath before he loses it. “I really would’ve liked his support when I’ve been doing this, y’know?”
Ryo narrows his eyes. “You shouldn’t put up with that,” he admonishes. “Especially not if he’s done it before, what the hell Shota!”
“Everyone needs their own space,” Yasu protests loyally, though his heart isn’t in it.
“But it’s not his own space if he’s just ditching you to have fun with other people,” Ryo points out.
Yasu bites his lip. “I wouldn’t mind so much,” he says in a small voice, “But this one kid... he’s still a teenager... and I know he has a crush on Shibuyan. And he’s not shy...” Yasu’s scared, but he doesn’t want to say any more out loud, doesn’t want to make it seem real. He doesn’t think Subaru would go out of his way to hurt him... but he might not be so careful to avoid it happening anyway.
“Come on Shota, stop making excuses for him,” Ryo says. “You should have more self-respect. There’s loads of guys who’d treat you better.”
Ryo believes in tough love, but Yasu finds himself wanting to believe it. He’s always tried to be patient with Subaru, always been easy-going, but now he wants to be mad, he wants to rage and blame him and get every frustration out.
He drinks the rest of his beer in one go. “I think I know what to do with my last painting,” he says.
***
“I don’t know if you’ll get this, but if you do, please... My exhibition opens on Friday. If you want to see the paintings before then just come around... If not, please, at least come to the opening? It’d mean a lot to me.”
From: Shibuyan
Received: 00.35
It’s a bit late for you to change the paintings now isn’t it? So I’ll just see them at the exhibition. But I really don’t want to come on the first day - there’ll be more people there and they’ll all be asking you about the paintings and you’ll have to say they’re about me and it’ll be embarrassing and awkward. I’ll come one day during the week.
To: Shibuyan
Sent: 00.45
Please try and come. Just to see them, before the exhibition opens to the public - I’ll be there at 6pm, you’d only have to stay for a little while. Please think about it?
***
“He didn’t show up, did he?” Ryo asks. To his credit, his tone isn’t quite as brutal as Yasu might expect from him.
Yasu just shakes his head. “I knew he wouldn’t,” he says resignedly. “Too many people, too much artiness, too much focus on him because of my work...” He gives a hollow laugh. “As if I’m Damien Hirst or something!”
Ryo shifts awkwardly from foot to foot. “Sorry, man.”
Yasu shakes his head. “It’s alright,” he says automatically, because he’s offloaded enough of his problems onto Ryo, but it hurts, and he’s grateful to have a friend right now.
“C’mon, let’s go out for a drink or something,” Ryo says.
“I’d rather stay in,” Yasu says. He doesn’t want to be in tears in a bar. He’s had enough pity just from Ryo.
“Well, let’s stay in and drink then,” Ryo says.
Yasu manages a very small smile. “I’ve got some wine.”
Drinking isn’t going to make it any easier to think about Subaru, not when it’s a sore wound in his heart like this. But it seems like the thing to do. When he tries to imagine talking to Subaru, he feels a piece of ice inside him - he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. So he keeps drinking.
“He’s been cold before but I guess I just put up with it,” he hears himself saying. “But I don’t know if I can anymore.” He’s been with Subaru for years, it always felt right, even through the bad times, but this feels more personal than anything. Yasu feels like Subaru really can’t care about the thing that’s most important to Yasu, and that tears him up inside.
Ryo’s arm is round him. “He doesn’t deserve you,” he mumbles. He looks into Yasu’s face, and suddenly Yasu sees something he should’ve seen all along. “I’ve cared about you for a long time,” says Ryo softly, and Yasu’s heart is suddenly racing.
Just like the wine, it doesn’t matter if it’s a good idea or not, and Yasu has no illusions that two wrongs make a right, but he’s feeling hurt and spiteful enough that he wants to do it anyway, wants to imagine Subaru’s reaction, wants him to feel this pain too.
But maybe Subaru wouldn’t even be affected. That just adds an extra sting.
But Ryo is there, and his kisses are good, and his hands are warm and his body is hot and he treats Yasu the way he wants. But in the morning, all Yasu can say is, “I’m sorry.”
Ryo nods. “I understand,” he says. “But y’know, if you talk to him and he’s being a fucking jerk, just finish it, okay? I’ll be here.”
Yasu smiles. “But not for long, right?”
Ryo gives a soft chuckle. “Yeah, get me before I’m gone.”
***
“Why’d I do it?” Yasu repeats. “You mean, why did I tell you?” he asks, his voice hardening a little. “I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to see your face when I told you, and see how you felt about it.” He sighs. “I was worried that maybe you wouldn’t feel anything at all. But y’know, it doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“What would make you feel better?” mumbles Subaru. He does want to mend this, he doesn’t want Yasu to hurt, and he knows he can’t really act aggrieved. But he can think of one thing he can do.
***
Subaru doesn’t know much about art - he can’t draw stick men, and he’s never voluntarily been in an art gallery in his life before - but he knows Yasu. And these paintings... they're like nothing he's ever known from him before. They're... troubled, clouded. He sees himself there, and it’s distant, ugly. Subaru feels ashamed.
He doesn’t want to face Yasu, but if he’s serious, he has to prove it. But it’s difficult.
He goes straight to Yasu’s house, rests his head on his shoulder. “I don’t know if I can be good enough for you,” he mumbles. “I’ll just do the same again. I might as well let you go.”
Yasu is silent. “You might as well, if you’re not even going to try,” he says. He sounds sad, like he did when he first told Subaru what he’d done.
Subaru’s heart clenches desperately. “But I don’t want to lose you,” he says, like he did before, clings to that truth, and hopes Yasu believes it too. “I don’t want to be the person in those paintings any more.”
Yasu’s expression begins to soften. “If you understood that then that’s a start,” he murmurs. “I think you know what you have to do.”
Yasu’s right. Subaru thinks he’ll always try and remember, he doesn’t want to be the guy who could make someone like Yasu feel that way. And he doesn’t want to feel like he did when Yasu confessed he’d been with another man. He might not feel like he deserves another chance, but Yasu wants to give him one, and he should grasp it with both hands. He might only have himself to fight, but it’s worth trying to win.