love?
i've been wondering a lot lately what exactly love is.
granted i know what the love i have for my family and friends are. but i guess i just don't know where the difference between that kind of love and "true love" (i use that term for lack of a better one) lies. i have always wondered the difference, and how you can determine when you've crossed the line. is it really something that is found in fairy tales, and hollywood movies, where everything is absolutely perfect and happily ever after? but that's not real life. so where does it fall in the real world spectrum. movies, songs, books, they all show that you just "know" when you're in love. but do you really? how is everything so different from fiction to reality? i don't know when you can tell the difference between the two types of love. is there even a difference? jessie once told me that "love is when you find everything about them, even their little quirks, absolutely adorable". or something along those lines. i think that was in reference to doug's snoring or something.
but is it possible to fall in love at first sight? or even fall in love with someone within a couple of days? that's always a possibility in movies. (sorry, i just finished watching pretty woman.) but how does that happen in real life? one of the girls i went skiing with (a friend of steph's) a couple months ago said that within the first few weeks of dating her boyfriend (now fiance), she knew that he was the one. how is that something you know?
[by the way, these are all rhetorical questions. i don't actually expect answers. however, if you feel the need to enlighten me, please feel free. all opinions are welcome.]
i guess the weirder thing is that i'm in a position where i'm trying to figure all of this out. i mean, how do you know when you love someone? it tears you apart when they move away? you're on the verge of tears every time you think about the fact that he might not be coming back? but that's also just a part of my personality. i generally don't try to get attached to guys, but when i do, i fall hard. it's weird too, because i dated both bens for about the same amount of time, and yet i never really felt much for old ben. but this one, i got hit hard from the very beginning. what is that supposed to say? i mean, i can honestly say that right now i could spend the rest of my life with ben. we just work really well together. on top of anything else, he's become a best friend of mine, which i feel is the most important part of a relationship. but i don't know if i love him. i mean, i do love him in the same way that i love my friends, people i feel extremely close to. but i don't think i'm in love with him. and those are two different things, right? (back to the previous questions).
this is what happens when i have a day off. i just sit around the apartment, run a couple of errands, but basically sit around and think all day. mope over the fact that i haven't talked to him for a couple days, but that's because our work schedules differ quite drastically. plus the time difference. and it makes me wonder what's going on. why i can't get over the fact that he's gone. that we're not together anymore, because he might not be coming back. i hope he comes back. and he said the same thing. he said for both his sake and mine he wanted to come back to colorado. but i also understand entirely why he wouldn't be coming back. just the same reason that there's a slight possibility that i might not be here. it's just to move on with your life. to progress. he wants a permanent job. he loves working in the park service and it's something he wants to do for the rest of his life. and if he gets a permanent job, it would only make sense for him to take it, even though it would mean he doesn't return to colorado. and, in the off-chance i end up going to law school this year, that's progressing my life/career myself. i honestly don't think i'm ready to go to school this year, if i were to get into one of my waitlisted schools. but i've also accepted the fact that i'm probably not going this year and just going to try again next year. if i get into one of my waitlisted schools, i imagine i'll defer for a year. i kind of like the idea of being a ski bum though. i guess i'm still at a point in my life where i have the opportunity to have fun and do whatever i feel like, and gather everything together later to grow up, more or less. ben's been out of college a couple more years than i have, and i understand that he wants to go and make a life for himself. i do in many ways too. lately, maybe it's summer talking to me, but i am really getting sick of moving around every 6-9 months. i've actually never lived anywhere longer than 9 months since i left california. and one of these days, i just want a place of my own. a house, a yard, where i'm no longer renting and can amend everything in any way i chose (i know i'm being a little over ambitious here). i just wish i had stability in my life.
on an entirely different note, i'm watching a discover channel thing on sobibor, and they're saying about how important it is to remember the victims, and that they were people, and they had families. and that makes me feel so good because that's what holocaust awareness week is all about. it's such an important event that often gets overlooked, and people always ask me why i do it. that is the exact reason. rememberence. honoring the victims and the survivors. and opening people's eyes. and i'm proud to have participated in it for three years. i've even had a couple haw moments at chili's this past month. dr. van gerven came in with his family one night, and the smalls came in for lunch with some other people just this past week.