I miss my Loki <3

[ka32buki]

This day is just full of so much suck. We had to take Loki in. We had him checked, just in case there was a treatment, but it turned out he was as bad or worse than we thought. The most immediate problem is something I forgot the term for, but basically when he started losing weight (he was down to 10 lbs from his original 23 lbs) the toxins that were stored in the fat got into his body. He had trouble eating or drinking and so was dehydrated and nauseous. We could have basically put a feeding tube into his stomach and force-fed him for a few weeks/months until that cleared up enough to figure out what the primary problem was, which was some kind of intestinal cancer. The odds weren't good, and even at best there was a low chance of chemo. Plus there seemed to be liver failure as well. So basically... we could have prolonged his suffering just enough to find out what else was killing him. We didn't want him to suffer anymore, or to be unhappy at the end, so we put him down. 
Saddest fucking thing ever. 
We held him as the euthanasia relaxed him and he just sorta went to sleep, and we were all sobbing. He was 13, I've had him half my life since the day he was born in my closet. He was such an awesome cat. And the worst thing is that we just kept petting him and he seemed like he was sleeping, and I petted down to his tail and it just about killed me to see just no life at all as I let go. I don't even know how I got us all home safely. Reflex and autopilot. 
I still keep crying. I miss my cat!