pregnancy musings...
So, I haven't really talked about this here yet, though a few of you know a bit of the difficulty from this summer.
All of the blood tests had been very positive and high heading into the 7 week ultrasound. We knew that there were two embryos, and I went into the ultrasound mentally preparing myself for either a "yes" or a "no."
copilot was away, so I went to the ultrasound by myself, with him in the middle of the airport waiting by the phone to find out how things went.
The first thing they found was a wee embryo that was underdeveloped and with a very weak heartbeat. My doctor frowned as she looked at it and told me that it looked like this one would probably end up as a miscarriage as well. I nodded, I'd be okay; I'd been through it before.
Then she swooped the ultrasound wand and frowned again. My left ovary was very, very large and it was very concerning to her. She was worried that it might twist or rupture and I would need to be very careful: no exercise other than walking, and pay very close attention to myself.
I remember feeling sort of afraid, nodding at her wide-eyed and feeling like this was a much bigger "no" than I'd been preparing myself for. I wasn't ready to cry yet, but I knew it would come soon. As she was finished talking, she moved the ultrasound wand over to the right and let out a quick, "oh!"
There was the other one, with a strong heartbeat, looking and measuring exactly the way they would want it to be at 7 weeks. She played the heartbeat for me and I just remember listening and tearing up and not being able to take it in all in at once.
So then (well, after I put my pants back on) she came to talk to me and told me that this would probably end up as a "vanishing twin" where the underdeveloped one would either be absorbed or make its way out, but that sometimes it gets in the way of the development of the other one, so I should prepare myself for that.
Not to make this a really long story, but it was hard because I'd gone in preparing for a "yes" or a "no" and then I felt like it was a weird sort of "maybe."
I spent a lot of this summer with a lot of this hanging over my head, worried about my ovary twisting or rupturing, worrying that the non-development of one wee one would get in the way of the development of the other and it was just really hard to deal with. I never felt pregnant; I more felt like I was in a weird sort of stasis, instead.
So, that was a lot.
Anyway, the reason I put that all out there, was that I've been thinking about her a lot over the past few weeks. We've past 30 weeks now and all of the appointments recently have been very positive. The past couple of months have been really fine pregnancy-wise. She moves a lot (which is possibly the coolest thing ever), she kicks, and I've been feeling good. I'm tired; I have heartburn and headaches sometimes, my ankles are swollen, but I've been feeling good. I can't complain, nor do I want to. I just feel lucky.
And then I think about this summer and that morning with that ultrasound and all of that bad news and then that sudden moment of "oh!" where she was just developing along at her own regular, dynamic pace, and I just keep getting this overwhelming sense of her. Like she was in there with all of this other stuff going on and she was like, "yeah, yeah, I get it, but I've got some growing to do, so I'm just going to keep on growing here while you all deal with all of that other crap."
And then I tear up and just feel so overwhelmingly grateful and I can't wait to tell her one day about how there were these other things possibly getting in her way, but she was just this developing little thing, going strong in spite of everything else. And I think, yup. That's my daughter.
So, that's that. I'm a little overly emotional at times, and that was a lot of talking here just now, but I wanted to take a few minutes to write this all out and document it while I was thinking about it. Okay, done now. ♥
Oh, and a belly picture. :)
My students are avidly watching the forward growth progress of my belly. Yesterday I was showing my class a video that I made last year of how to make orange juice. We're going to be writing "How to" stories, so this was a good jumping off point. Anyway, as I was showing the video yesterday, one of my kids said, "wow, you were a lot skinnier then." Which I just couldn't stop grinning about, because, yup. I've got this big, wonderful belly that gets all in the way of hugging.
All of the blood tests had been very positive and high heading into the 7 week ultrasound. We knew that there were two embryos, and I went into the ultrasound mentally preparing myself for either a "yes" or a "no."
copilot was away, so I went to the ultrasound by myself, with him in the middle of the airport waiting by the phone to find out how things went.
The first thing they found was a wee embryo that was underdeveloped and with a very weak heartbeat. My doctor frowned as she looked at it and told me that it looked like this one would probably end up as a miscarriage as well. I nodded, I'd be okay; I'd been through it before.
Then she swooped the ultrasound wand and frowned again. My left ovary was very, very large and it was very concerning to her. She was worried that it might twist or rupture and I would need to be very careful: no exercise other than walking, and pay very close attention to myself.
I remember feeling sort of afraid, nodding at her wide-eyed and feeling like this was a much bigger "no" than I'd been preparing myself for. I wasn't ready to cry yet, but I knew it would come soon. As she was finished talking, she moved the ultrasound wand over to the right and let out a quick, "oh!"
There was the other one, with a strong heartbeat, looking and measuring exactly the way they would want it to be at 7 weeks. She played the heartbeat for me and I just remember listening and tearing up and not being able to take it in all in at once.
So then (well, after I put my pants back on) she came to talk to me and told me that this would probably end up as a "vanishing twin" where the underdeveloped one would either be absorbed or make its way out, but that sometimes it gets in the way of the development of the other one, so I should prepare myself for that.
Not to make this a really long story, but it was hard because I'd gone in preparing for a "yes" or a "no" and then I felt like it was a weird sort of "maybe."
I spent a lot of this summer with a lot of this hanging over my head, worried about my ovary twisting or rupturing, worrying that the non-development of one wee one would get in the way of the development of the other and it was just really hard to deal with. I never felt pregnant; I more felt like I was in a weird sort of stasis, instead.
So, that was a lot.
Anyway, the reason I put that all out there, was that I've been thinking about her a lot over the past few weeks. We've past 30 weeks now and all of the appointments recently have been very positive. The past couple of months have been really fine pregnancy-wise. She moves a lot (which is possibly the coolest thing ever), she kicks, and I've been feeling good. I'm tired; I have heartburn and headaches sometimes, my ankles are swollen, but I've been feeling good. I can't complain, nor do I want to. I just feel lucky.
And then I think about this summer and that morning with that ultrasound and all of that bad news and then that sudden moment of "oh!" where she was just developing along at her own regular, dynamic pace, and I just keep getting this overwhelming sense of her. Like she was in there with all of this other stuff going on and she was like, "yeah, yeah, I get it, but I've got some growing to do, so I'm just going to keep on growing here while you all deal with all of that other crap."
And then I tear up and just feel so overwhelmingly grateful and I can't wait to tell her one day about how there were these other things possibly getting in her way, but she was just this developing little thing, going strong in spite of everything else. And I think, yup. That's my daughter.
So, that's that. I'm a little overly emotional at times, and that was a lot of talking here just now, but I wanted to take a few minutes to write this all out and document it while I was thinking about it. Okay, done now. ♥
Oh, and a belly picture. :)
My students are avidly watching the forward growth progress of my belly. Yesterday I was showing my class a video that I made last year of how to make orange juice. We're going to be writing "How to" stories, so this was a good jumping off point. Anyway, as I was showing the video yesterday, one of my kids said, "wow, you were a lot skinnier then." Which I just couldn't stop grinning about, because, yup. I've got this big, wonderful belly that gets all in the way of hugging.