(no subject)
Title: When AngelsCry
Band: Dir en grey
Pairing: Kaoru/Toshiya
Rating/Genre: PG/ general
Originaly Posted: May 22nd 2009
Disclaimer: I do not own Dir en grey, The GazettE, alice nine, an cafe or Miyavi. I do not claim to know them personally and any similarities in my stories and life are purely coincidence. Dont sue me guys, i love you ;)
A tear slides down my face as I sit, collapsing into myself. I love you. Spit it out, im so unworthy of hearing that again, or saying it. Im sorry. This is my fault. I saw your face contort with anguish as I told you my sins. I scratch at my skin, trying to get any trace of other from me. I just want you. Im sorry im bad. Im sorry I make you hurt. In the dark room, this room is too small for me. My heart pulses, pleading to rest. Where are you? You deserve better. My Love, I need to feel you now. I need to hear your heart beat, your voice, I need to see your heart-stopping smile. I want to make you smile. I wish this hadn’t happened. This is the end for me now, isn’t it? Someday…in a perfect world we’ll be. And you’ll know no pain by me. This room is cold, I need to sleep. My aching…heart, deprives me of it. Caught in my throat, I breathe deep. Yelling, at me. Crying. I caused you so much hurt, if I cant have you, I want to die. So i cant live, knowing I caused you to hate, to feel that lonely pain. That innocence of not knowing, it cant be given back. My fingers clutch the sheet, as…light sneaks in slowly. A narrow beam of light stops, asking if its allowed. What? I look up, slightly confused. Lost in myself. The door is half open, long slender finger resting on it. Your beautiful face is stained red around your eyes. You choke out something. What? You sniffle and tears start rolling out of your eyes. I stare in horror. It was me. Me. I DID THIS. The misery was made by me. And those eyes…are crying…why are you crying? Surely youv come to tell me goodbye. Or good riddance. And me. Those tears, your weepy eyes cry for…lost love? I want to hold you in my filthy arms. Youv managed ~…Kaoru~, and take a step towards me, no longer protected by the door. I silently take back my previous thought. I don’t want to hold you. I don’t want to touch you with my dirty, sin soaked body! Your too…you. Toshiya, I wont let you be tainted. And yet I have. ~im sorry~ at first I think I said it. But theres no mistaking your whispers. You? My love, you have nothing to apologize for! And all I do is sit there, making no attempt to tell him otherwise. I inwardly curse myself, for everything. A cry violently makes its way past his lips and his knee’s tremble. Before I can even think, I catch him and hold him, in my filthy arms. He seems to not be cautious like I would have expected. For he crumbles in my embrace and cries shamelessly. ~im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry~ I whisper over and over and over, rubbing his side and back, trying to calm him down. Really, im just being selfish. I don’t want to see the pain iv caused him. Yes, this is my punishment, nothing is worse than seeing him in pain. But I contradict myself, there is, and its losing him. And that’s when I pull him closer to my chest. I cant live without him. ~Toshiya, im sorry. And I know Ithats not enough, and it never can be. But… I love you. That wasn’t anything to me,~ Now im sobbing again. Im such a fool. Hes still shaking in my arms but looks up and says ~no, im sorry~ What does he me? ~Totchi, you didn’t do anything. Your perfect! Im sorry!~ He looks suprized. ~you still want me?~ So quiet, he said it like he was confessing to something he had been doing wrong for a long time. He said it with shame. ~of course!~ I cant think of anything els to say. Now look what iv done. Iv made him think he’s done something wrong. Iv let him down so badly he thinks he’s the one who messed up. ~your perfect, you didn’t do anything.~ he suprizes me by slowly sitting up, wiping tears from MY eyes and hugging me. ~lets frogive~ He says. I think he knows that he doesn’t know who he’s talking about, but forgive. I give a sad smile ~I don’t deserve you,~ He smiles and relaxes his body in mine. ~but...i love you~ whispered Toshiya.
End