THE SIGN, EPILOGUE
THE SIGN
EPILOGUE
Brian stretches out his hand to knock on the door and hesitates. He hasn’t knocked on Debbie’s door since he was fifteen, but somehow it feels inappropriate to just walk in. On the other hand, it might set the wrong tone for what’s already promising to be a trying afternoon.
Justin ducks under Brian’s outstretched arm, puts his back against the door and leans up to kiss him. Brian kisses him back, glad for the slight delay, and sees Justin push the door handle and let the door swing open without stopping the kiss.
“Sunshine! Brian!” Debbie voice rings out and causes every conversation in the house to cease.
“I think we’ve been spotted,” Justin smirks at Brian.
Brian huffs. “Gee, I wonder how that happened.”
Debbie has come to the door, pulls Justin away from Brian to give him a hug and then does the same to Brian. “Come in,” she says as if they’re not already past the doorstep. Brian nods and turns to shut the door behind him, taking the opportunity to set his feature to an inscrutable mask.
Justin has already made his way further into the house. Brian likes that about him, that he never treats Brian like he needs looking after. In the eleven months that they’ve been living together in New York, Justin has not once behaved as if he thinks Brian is fragile somehow. The only thing he does nowadays is account for his whereabouts in a very meticulous fashion. Brian always knows where Justin is at any given time and Justin calls if he’s even ten minutes late. It goes a long way to alleviate Brian’s fear for him, which he can't quite conquer, no matter how hard he tries.
Michael has made his way over and Brian hugs him without a word. “I didn’t think you were coming,” Michael says in a relieved voice.
“Now, now, Mikey, you should know that I always come when I say I will.”
“I’m sure,” Michael smirks. “How’s New York?”
“Same as it always was, only now there’re two fabulous fags more.”
Conversation has picked up again all around them. Emmett is very vocal in his greeting but won’t let go of his boyfriend’s hand even for a moment. Brian casts about for a name and comes up with Sebastian? The guy’s a good four inches shorter than Emmett and Brian can’t help wondering how that doesn’t become awkward at times, given that Emmett is such a bottom.
Ted just raises his water bottle in salutation and carries on talking to Ben and Blake, who give a little wave by way of a greeting. Brian wouldn’t mind spending a couple of hours cloistered away with Ted, talking about work. He really should come to Pittsburgh more often, but he’s just so insanely busy with Kinnetik NY.
As Brian gets into the kitchen to get himself a beer, he runs into Carl, who’s just coming in from the backyard. “Hey, Brian,” he smiles, opening the fridge and removing a plate of marinated meat with a plastic wrap over it. “Wanna help me with the barbecue?”
Brian snorts. “I know as much about barbecues as I know about football and jet engines.” But he appreciates the sentiment. Carl has a knack for making people feel at ease.
“Grandpa, there’s a fire in the garden,” says the small girl, who’s followed Carl in from the back, pulling on Carl’s leg and eyeing Brian with suspicion. Brian looks down at JR, who's now about five, takes a long drink from his bottle and pretends that not everyone in the room is watching him.
Carl is already on his way back outside, having his free hand pulled by a very determined JR and they both squeeze past Melanie as she’s coming in. She stops for a moment when she sees Brian, who notices that she looks much older than her forty years. Then she makes her way to the sink to wash her hands. “Got one of those for me?” she asks without looking up.
Brian opens the fridge, gets another bottle of beer and opens it for her before passing it. Melanie takes it and drinks some before she says, “Long time no see.”
“Not long enough,” Brian replies, producing something approximating a grin.
“No, never long enough,” she agrees affably and raises her bottle in mock salute.
On the other side of the room, the murmured conversations continue and Justin makes his way over to greet Melanie with a hug.
“Will you come over while you’re here?” Melanie asks.
“Sure. I’m seeing my mother tomorrow. But I could come the day after. We have to go back on Tuesday.”
“Monday’s fine. About three-ish?”
“Sure.”
Brian catches Justin’s eye and raises a questioning eyebrow.
“I always go over to teach JR drawing and painting. I think Lindsay would’ve liked that.”
There’s a minute stutter in the noise level, while Melanie nods in agreement with a wan smile and no one except Justin is looking at Brian. God, Brian hates how they all tiptoe around him. Justin always talks about Lindsay and Gus like he does about anybody else, not a hint of caution or pity in his voice.
“Yeah,” Brian says. “I reckon she would have.”
“Why don’t you come with?” Justin says.
Brian laughs heartily. “You want me to go to Melanie’s house with you? What’s your weapon of choice, Mel?”
She grins. “Sarcasm, usually, but I also make a mean tea.”
Brian shudders. “Tea. How very lesbian of you!”
“I like tea,” Justin says with a pretend pout.
“I rest my case.”
That earns Brian a short bout of tickling that ends with him wrapping his arms tightly around Justin, for the sole purpose of self-preservation. Both of them know that Brian will never go to Melanie’s place for the simple reason that she still lives in the old house she used to share with Lindsay and Gus. It’s a line that Brian will not cross and Justin doesn’t expect him to.
Over Justin’s head, Brian sees JR bursting back into the kitchen from the backyard, stopping for a moment and then running to wrap her arms around Justin’s legs from behind, saying, “Justin!” happily. “Mama, look, Justin’s here.”
“I can see that.”
Justin laughingly removes himself from Brian’s arms and bends to pick the girl up, settling her comfortably on his hip. “JR. I haven’t seen you in ages. Where have you been?”
“I was here. You always go away.”
“That I do. I live in New York now.”
JR nods like she already knew that. Which she probably did. Justin has always kept in touch with the family and has been a part of JR’s life ever since she was born.
“Who are you?” she asks Brian, eyeing him suspiciously from the safety of Justin’s arm. Brian can feel his stomach hollow at the sight.
“This is Brian,” Justin says. “Remember when you asked me if I have a Ben and I told you all about Brian?”
Brian wonders when that particular conversation took place - before or after they got back together - and what Justin said exactly. He doesn’t have to wonder for long.
“You’re Gus’s daddy,” she says with some wonderment.
Brian nods. What else can he do, other than wish that this day was over already?
“Gus is not here anymore,” JR informs him. Maybe her childish logic can’t conceive any other reason for Brian to be here. “He went with mommy to live with the angels.”
In the sudden pronounced silence, Brian tries hard to keep his eyes on the girl because he really doesn’t want to see the looks on the adults’ faces. Behind Justin he can see Melanie close her eyes and press her lips together, but it’s for herself, not him.
“If you want we can draw before we eat,” Justin says quietly. “We can ask your grandma for some paper and pencils.”
“I brought my stuff,” JR squeals excitedly and wiggles until Justin sets her down.
For a few moments there’s complete silence, while the sound of her footsteps fades upstairs. Brian hopes that Justin won’t try and hug him because he couldn’t bear that right now, not in front of everyone. He has learned to talk about Gus and Lindsay a little but never with anyone but Justin. He’s not ready to talk about them here. Nor is he willing to be treated like a fragile flower any longer.
“Never gets any fucking easier,” Melanie mutters to herself and adds a heartfelt, “Fuck!” before she picks up her bottle from the counter and goes back out into the garden.
JR is already stomping back down the stairs and Brian can see Debbie gearing up to say something, when Ted pipes up from the other side of the room. “So, Boss, do you wanna go through some work stuff before we eat, so I can have my dinner in peace later?”
“Sure,” Brian says and makes his way over to the couch to have an impromptu conference. Without papers or a laptop, Ted’s account will be mostly anecdotal, but it'll save some time on Monday nonetheless. In the other corners of the room, everybody else starts talking again. Debbie wisely decides that Melanie needs her pep talk more than Brian does and follows her outside. JR is spreading paper and pencils on the kitchen table. And the moment is over.
Later they all sit in the garden, talking loudly and lobbing gently mocking remarks at each other, toned down a little for the sake of the child present. Said child can’t seem to sit still and at times appears to have the ambition to out-shout everyone. Still, it’s almost like it used to be - and nothing like it at the same time. It’s as good as it will ever get.
Carl’s barbecuing skills are rather excellent, as you'd expect from a breeder, and someone has kindly remembered to bring some food that isn’t laden with fat. Brian is sitting next to Michael, who regales him with his latest exploits, while admonishing JR every now and then about keeping her voice down. It doesn’t have any discernible effect.
“I need a smoke,” Brian says after nearly two hours of eating, drinking and talking. He goes into the house to find his cigarettes and then just carries on walking to stand on the porch outside the front door for some much needed peace and quiet. He can always pretend he’s doing it for JR’s sake.
He can’t help wishing that he’d never come. The afternoon has gone better than expected. People have stopped being awkward around him for the most part, but he can’t get the image of Justin holding JR in his arms out of his head. He could have done without that.
One day, a couple of months ago, when he and Justin were lying tangled together in their bed after a particularly vigorous round of fucking, or three, Brian decided that he was happy - that meeting Justin again had not been a sign to end it all, like he'd thought, but a pretty obvious hint to start living again. Brian’s happiness is of a quiet, contented kind now, a kind that he never thought he would reach. He knows that deep down he'll never shake that worry that it will all disappear again one day, in a flash or in a drawn-out decline, but he also accepts that it’s just the way life is - not worth living if you don’t take risks. Brian’s fighting spirit has returned together with his sleep. He still has the odd sleepless night, but his sleeping hours have gradually increased over the months and, in general, he feels more human nowadays.
He doesn’t turn around when he hears someone come out of the house. He doesn’t need to because he knows it’s Justin - too quiet for anyone else. Justin comes to stand next to him and they watch in silence as a teenager leisurely rides his bike along the road.
“There will never be another child,” Brian says finally.
“Huh?”
“I’ll never have another child. I just couldn’t.”
“I know that, Brian. I never expected that we’d have a child. I don’t really want one. JR is quite a handful. I’m always glad when I can hand her back to Melanie. And I suspect that Molly will have kids one day. It’ll be enough. You and I aren't really the type of couple who’d have a child anyway.”
“You may change your mind one day.”
“I already have. I admit I kind of wanted a more traditional family when I was younger but not anymore. I wouldn’t enjoy it. I’m not cut out to be a full-time dad. So, we’re good.”
“Are we?” Brian looks at Justin and sees nothing but open honesty there. “Because now’s the time to say otherwise.”
Justin smiles and takes a sideways step towards him, causing Brian to automatically put his arm around Justin’s shoulders. “Yeah, we’re good.”
A couple of hours later, when Melanie decides that it’s time to take JR home, everybody starts leaving. Brian is happily buzzed from too many beers and doesn’t really mind one way or the other, except that Justin has been squeezing his thigh suggestively under the table for the last half hour and Brian can think of better things to do.
There are a lot of shouted goodbyes and promises to do this again for Thanksgiving, because Brian and Justin are rarely in Pittsburgh and that won’t ever change now. When Brian has said goodbye to Debbie, he lights up another cigarette on the front porch, while she gives Justin a long hug. Brian is Calibri;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
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Brian can’t help but agree.
THE END.
A/N: Thank you for reading and thank you for commenting. ♥