Vent
So many thoughts buzzing inside my head tonight. I literally have not had any contact with Steve in days and it is driving me crazy. I know that there is a bonfire tonight that he will probably be attending, and I'm half tempted to go just so I can see his face and hear his voice again. I don't really have anything to say to him, though, and I don't really want to drive for half an hour each way just for that, particularly when I know it will just make it hurt worse. It's odd, the guys I've talked to advise me not to write him off just yet, but yet the longer I don't see or hear from him, the more certain I feel that he is slipping away. He'll probably put it off for a week or so, and then say something along the lines of he got a job somewhere and has to move anyway, so he might as well keep everything where it is. I've been so angry with him the past few days, and thought of so many little ways to be cruel to him, but I haven't. He doesn't really deserve cruelty. He's just trying to be the honest and fair guy he is. I'm so...I'd say numb, but I can recognize depression now when it hits me. I know I'm not eating or sleeping properly, and I can't really bring myself to care. I'm trying to get out and do things on my own, but I just want to burrow in and hide from the world. I'm so fucking tired all the time, and I hate it. I just want to go to sleep, sleep well, and wake up happy and content and not feel like a chunk of my chest is missing or my stomach is tied in knots. I'm so frightened that I won't find someone again, but yet no one else even appeals to me on any kind of level. My mom was married and had me already by the time she was my age. I know, I'm not exactly an old spinster, nor am I anywhere close to being out of childbearing range, but it's just odd to think about. I have a nomadic life, and probably will for a while yet. But I still want a home and a family to come back to. All of my friends, except co-workers, are married now or will be by the end of the summer. Why am I the one left out? I've been doing everything right - most of the guys I've dated for any length of time agree that I'm an amazing girlfriend. So what am I doing wrong? I'm so sad, and I don't even have any tears left. On top of all of this, John first called and said that he wouldn't need me in Vegas. Then, he called and said that he did need me, in fact, he wanted me there a day earlier and would provide a room for me through the rest of the weekend after the show. Of course, PCPA is not thrilled with this, which is insulting to both Aleah (my ASM who is taking over the show that week and carrying it through the Solvang run) and myself. They feel like I should be there at the Solvang preview and opening to "support her". I feel like if we trust her enough to give her a show of her own, and we are, then she can fucking handle a straightplay remount for three nights without me holding her hand. She's pissed about it now, too, because I think she's looking forward to proving herself, and, like I said, it's just insulting to both of us. I really really really want to go away to Vegas for a weekend, play with the magic show, and just get the hell away from HERE. I love my new kitty (Teddie) and love cuddling with him and playing with him and fussing over him, but right now, I need to get out of this apartment for a few days and recoup. Some of his things are still here, some clothes, his computer (he doesn't have internet where he is staying now), some draftings for a chest that he keeps saying he is going to build and leave here, his Cirque dvds that we watched last week. Part of me wants to throw them all out on the street and burn them, but the other part wants to cling to them, because I know if they are here, he will have to come back sooner or later, even if just to get his things and leave again. He still wants to be friends, and claims I am his best friend (he is certainly mine), but I can't be just friends with him right now. He is the one person I both want more than anything to talk to, and the one person I can't talk to right now. I want him back, and I've told him so. The ball is in his court now, and I am not going to put any kind of pressure on him or "distract" him at all. But, God, the waiting...