Arashi: What If I Confess To Everything
AUTHOR: Marineko/mylittlecthulhu
FANDOM: Arashi
PAIRING: Aimiya, (ex)Junba, (mention of)Juntoshi
RATING: PG
DATE: August 19th, 2011
WORD COUNT: 10,600
NOTES/DISCLAIMERS: This is a work of fiction. Beta-ed by arashic0804. A companion to my Juntoshi one-shot " Hung Up On Love", but can be read separately. Written for the rainbowfilling rare pairing challenge. Prompt: Best Friend.
WHAT IF I CONFESS TO EVERYTHING
1.
Nino doesn’t think of himself as an insomniac, but he doesn’t deny that he doesn’t sleep much. There’s just always so much to do, too many thoughts crowding in his head, and he can’t figure out a way to make it less noisy for him to finally rest without waking up every few minutes or so. When he was younger, it had been annoying, because his mother seems to have some kind of psychic ability and knows when he’s not in bed when he should have been. Then Jun moves in, around the time he’s starting high school, and everything changes.
The most obvious change, of course, is that he’s not alone anymore. It’s strange; Nino never thinks of himself as lonely. But when he begs his mother to let Jun live with them, it occurs to him that he’ll have to share his room with Jun until one of them moves out. He’ll never be truly alone anymore. The thought scares him, but excites him at the same time. He’ll have a brother - someone to talk to when he wakes up in the middle of the night, someone to game with, someone to cover for him when he sneaks out through the window.
When Nino goes off to college, he moves out, and rents a small apartment in the city. Jun moves with him, finding a job close by.
It doesn’t take him long to develop a habit of night prowling, and soon he becomes addicted to discovering new places, stores that only open at night, and meeting the kind of people one doesn’t really meet on normal circumstances. He’s sat with and talked to hosts, runaways, yakuza, minor celebrities, people coming in for a snack from the nearby okama bar. He likes it, the reminder that underneath it all, there are so many people who aren’t going by the traditional route of life, who don’t subscribe to what’s expected of them by society.
Nino works at a dead end nine-to-five job at a company so big he doubts that they’d notice if he doesn’t turn up at work (not that he tests this theory out), but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate difference.
He finds Aibaland one day, a small game shop in a secluded corner of a narrow street. They only had board games, unique and one-of-a-kind, and they only open at night. He doesn’t really play board games but they intrigued him, and from the minute he steps into the store he knows that he likes it, that it wouldn’t be his only visit.
He doesn’t ask if Aibaland is hiring because he’s trying to help Jun out. Of course Nino wants to help Jun. But really, deep down inside, hidden in a place he’ll never admit to existing even under torture, is a treasure trove of secrets - and one of those secrets is that he just wants an excuse to hang out in Aibaland without actually becoming a customer.
2.
“Two steps forward… oh, you get a chance card!” Excited, Aiba picks a card off the stack before Jun could. He looks at it, and laughs. “You get majorly humiliated on the latest episode of your variety show, and were made to wear a nipple shirt. Minus five points on glamour, plus three points on TV ratings. That gives you 10 TV ratings points, so you get an extra popularity point. But since you lost 5 glamour points in one go, you also lose one of your overall popularity point.”
Jun frowns. “What’s a nipple shirt?”
Aiba explains, and Nino laughs at Jun’s expression. “What kind of stupid TV show is that?” Jun asks, and Aiba reminds him that it’s just a game.
“Okay, Nino’s turn!”
Nino rolls his dice, and moves his token across the board. He doesn’t read what’s written where his token lands; Aiba’s already doing it.
“Cool. You’re putting out a special duet CD with another idol. Choose your duet partner and you both gets plus five popularity points.” Aiba looks at Nino with large, heavy lidded eyes that make him think of cute, cuddly animals. “You’re going to pick me, right?”
“Of course Nino’s choosing me,” Toma interrupts. “I bought your dinner yesterday,” he reminded Nino.
“I buy him dinner every other day,” Jun says drily. “So that’s not going to convince him.”
The three of them look at Nino expectantly. He knows that Toma wouldn’t mind not being chosen; the guy’s winning, anyway. But Aiba… he wants to pick Aiba, of course. He’d been intrigued by the game designer ever since he first found Aibaland, and that was before he’d met the actual person. He had wondered who’s spend all their time to create these games as a hobby, then sell them in a store that only opens at midnight that they run with their best friend, because they both had day jobs. Aiba hadn’t been quite what he’d expected at all, but Nino’s interest in him had never waned.
He’s still thinking when he sees Jun saying something to Aiba in a low voice, and Aiba laughs in that raspy-but-giggly way that makes Nino feel like he’s stuck his finger in a power socket. He scowls, annoyed with his own reaction, but fixes his expression as soon as Jun throws him a curious glance. “Toma,” he says, finally. “I pick Toma.”
“What?” Jun and Aiba ask simultaneously. Neither could believe that Nino hadn’t picked them. Nino repeats his choice, Toma whoops, and they both get five bonus popularity points.
Nino had actually met an idol, once, at one of the late night cafes he’s sauntered into before. He wondered what the guy would have thought of Aiba’s “Storm Idols” game.
3.
Nino doesn’t particularly like or dislike work, but he hates lunch time. Everyone in his department likes to go out for lunch together, for “bonding” purposes. He doesn’t hate the people he works with, but it doesn’t mean that he likes to spend his time away from the office with them. So he lets them think he’s antisocial and grabs a snack from a vending machine to eat at his desk instead.
He’s surprised when Aiba shows up one day with a large grin and take out in his hands, saying that he has work in the area and wants to hang out with his favourite person.
Nino has to fight hard not to smile too widely, even though he knows that almost everybody is Aiba’s favourite person.
They go out and find a park where they could eat. Between mouthfuls, Nino asks Aiba what keeps his store in business, since Aibaland is more of a hobby than anything else.
Aiba shrugs. “Sho-chan handles all the money stuff,” he says. “I just make the games.”
Nino learns that Aiba’s actually rich - filthy rich, judging from the way Aiba talks, although Aiba doesn’t really put it that way, in those words. On his high school graduation, he, Sho, and a couple of their friends had bought lottery tickets for a lark. Nothing came out of it for the other three, but Aiba ended up becoming a millionaire. Not knowing what to do with the news, he told Sho about it, and Sho had helped him figure things out.
“Nothing’s changed since then,” Aiba explains. “I didn’t go on a spending spree or go on vacation or anything like that. I had Sho-chan keep it, or maybe he’s investing some of it - since he says I have more than I started out with now - while I just continue living like I always have. The only thing is Aibaland, which Sho-chan didn’t think was a good idea, but I think I’ve got to have some fun, right?” He laughs. “I know that my idea of fun isn’t like most people’s, but I love that store. And Sho-chan tells me that while we’re not making much money out of it - really hardly any at all, at least we’re not losing it?”
Nino’s still letting the knowledge sink in. “Do Jun and Toma know about this?”
“They never asked.” Aiba seems to have lost interest in the subject then, when he suddenly thinks of a potential game idea - a series of sugoroku board games, but with chance and punishment cards and expansions - and talks to Nino excitedly about it.
“What do you do in the day, then? Usually?” Nino asks before he has to go back to the office. He’s reluctant to leave, and wonders for a moment if he should ditch work to hang out with Aiba. He doubts anyone would notice.
Aiba gives him a strange look. “I work, of course! I’m the best groomer at that place,” he says proudly. He points across the street from the park, and Nino sees it - a fancy vet/pet store that he’s passed by every day on his way to his office.
Nino thinks that Aiba’s a strange one, and knowing the man’s so-called secrets didn’t really make him any less mysterious.
They have lunch together every day from then on.
4.
“I didn’t see you yesterday,” Nino says as he sits next to Aiba on the bench. “I thought you were supposed to be working?”
“I didn’t feel like eating out yesterday,” Aiba tells him. Nino looks at Aiba; the game designer doesn’t look any different at first glance, but after awhile he notices that Aiba seems a lot more still than usual, and more solemn.
“What’s up?” he asks lightly, nudging Aiba’s knees with his.
“I broke up with Jun last weekend,” Aiba says. Nino feels like everything stops for a second, and he wonders why is it that he feels like he’s the one who’s broken up with someone. “Or rather, he broke up with me?”
If it were anyone else, Nino would probably curse them out, and make elaborate plans for revenge. But it’s Jun, so Nino doesn’t know what to do. “Are you okay?” he asks carefully. “Want me to beat him up for you?”
Aiba laughs, and Nino wonders what’s so funny - the fact that he’s offering to beat his own best friend up, or the idea of him beating anyone up. He knows how he looks, pale and skinny and small compared to Aiba.
“I’m fine,” Aiba replies. “No, I really think it’s better this way. You know about his scars, right?” He pauses, awkward. “Of course you know. Well, ever since I found out things haven’t been the same. I try not to let it bother me, but…”
“You should’ve seen how my mom freaked out when we first found out. But we made him get help, and he’s better now. Aiba, he’s better now.”
“I know that. But, it still changes things. Maybe because I start feeling bad for him, like I want to take care of him more than I want to be with him, and I don’t think that’s entirely a good thing to feel about a boyfriend?”
Nino has nothing to say to that. He remains calm, but he feels a tremble inside him, a need to make Aiba okay again - he knows that the idea that someone would cut themselves like Jun had had deeply unsettled Aiba - and a sort of relief that surprised him.
He hadn’t noticed it before, but he had felt strung up and stretched ever since Aiba and Jun had started dating. It’s just because Jun’s relationships never end well, he thinks. It doesn’t mean anything else.
But when Aiba’s knees nudged his back, and Nino’s thoughts go to how Aiba seems so electric, somehow, he wonders how much of what he’s telling himself is really true.
5.
Maybe Nino isn’t like most guys. He knows that he isn’t like Jun, who never dates one person at a time, and never gives himself away. Nino doesn’t date, but he gives himself away all the time.
Jun has an eye for beauty, and while he doesn’t want to be in love with his lovers, he doesn’t see why there shouldn’t be sex. It isn’t that Nino isn’t interested in sex, but to him, it isn’t what draws him towards a person. He likes the details, like the way Aiba’s smile just beams, like the split second when Aiba’s laughter dissolves into manic giggles. He likes noticing when Aiba has spent a lot of time outdoors with the dogs in his care, and turns a shade darker than before. He likes the way one day Aiba forgets himself and calls him, “Kazu.”
It takes him longer to notice that Aiba’s beautiful, too, and of course Jun would have realised right away.
They didn’t tell him when they started dating. It’s probably as sudden to them, he supposes; Jun’s relationships always come and go so quickly. One night when he’s in the store just to have their company, he notices that they’re trying to be together, alone, and he notices:
the number of times Aiba’s hand would brush against Jun’s (too many to count);
the way Jun seems to soften, a little, when looking at Aiba;
the way they both acted suspiciously guilty, like they’re keeping something from him;
and he knew. He excuses himself, saying that he has paperwork to catch up on, that he’s forgotten about. He sees the beginning of a frown creasing Jun’s forehead but he doesn’t stay to explain, he knows that it’s unlike him to bother with bringing work home when it will wait for him at the office anyway.
He doesn’t see a thing until he reaches Takitani’s, one of his favourite all-night diners, and asks the owner if he could use the washroom. He locks himself in, and finally allows his feelings to take him over. Something coils in him tight, and he has to bend over, and he tells himself that he’s supposed to be the cool, supportive friend who doesn’t care that his almost-brother and new-best friend are in a relationship.
All he manages to feel is betrayed, because neither had even told him they were interested in the other.
(If there are other feelings lurking in the shadows, he hides them deep inside, with the other secrets no one else would ever know.)
6.
“It’s about time we find someone for Kazu-chan, right?” Aiba’s saying a bit too loudly over his latest game, a complicated Sengoku era war thing that surprisingly, Sho is winning. Nino glances at the guy, ignoring Aiba. He doesn’t know Sho very well, and neither does Jun, although both of them were friendly enough with Aiba’s childhood friend. It is the first time he was joining in their game night, and it seems like behind the face that reminds him of some kind of adorable rodent is a brilliant strategist. An ally? Nino wonders. Or an enemy?
That’s when Aiba hits him lightly in the arm.
“Hey!”
“Sorry,” Aiba says, not looking slightest bit sorry. “But stop staring; Sho-chan’s taken. I was thinking, why don’t you try going out with Toma?”
Nino and Toma freezes, before looking at each other with mutual expressions of horror.
“Maybe not, huh.” Aiba laughs, also too loudly. Jun says, calmly, that Aiba has drunk quite enough. Aiba just leans towards Nino, asking, “What’s wrong with Toma?”
Irritated, Nino asks, “What makes you think I’m into guys, anyway?”
This causes Aiba to stop, pause, and draw back. “I don’t know,” he finally says. “I guess since you’re best friends with Jun, and you’re fine being friends with me…”
“I’m not homophobic. That means I’m not an asshole, but it doesn’t mean that I’m gay.”
“You’re still an asshole, though,” Jun mutters into his drink before taking a sip. With heroic effort, Nino restrains himself from retorting.
“So you like girls? Is there any that you like right now?” Aiba asks eagerly, changing tactics. “Sho-chan here likes girls, too, maybe he could introduce you to some…”
“I don’t date,” Nino says, his tone final.
Aiba gives Jun a confused look, and Jun nods. “He doesn’t date,” Jun confirms.
“Why not?”
Because between Jun’s crash-and-burn relationships, and Jun’s mother, who he had always suspected had died of a broken heart, and his own mother, who had been abandoned by his father ages ago, Nino had to have learned something. And that something is that people leave, and therefore aren’t worth the bother.
Of course, it isn’t something he could tell Aiba, so he just shrugs. “I just don’t.”
“But -” Aiba stops when Jun mentions that Sho is demolishing the village Aiba had just painstakingly built, sending Aiba in full revenge mode. The subject is forgotten, for now.
Nino looks at Sho out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t be certain, but he thinks Sho half-smiles at him. An ally, he decides.
7.
“Kazu-chan’s my best friend,” Aiba says happily as they sit at their usual lunch bench.
“Sho’s your best friend,” Nino corrects, although he feels a warm glow spreading through him from Aiba’s words. He doesn’t even listen when Aiba tells him that it’s possible to have more than one.
He’s surprised to realise that he finds it easier to be with Aiba now. He’s surprised to realise just how much he had held back before, although he isn’t surprised to realise why. He likes Aiba. He doesn’t want to like Aiba, but he does. A part of him is jealous of Jun for being the one that Aiba chooses, but he’s also relieved, because Jun takes that choice away from him.
Now he could be Aiba’s friend, and never worry about what if.
“Hey, Kazu-chan,” Aiba’s voice said, sneaking into his thoughts and scattering it away. “What if...?”
Nino looks at Aiba sharply, wondering if he’d spoken out loud. But Aiba just looks curious and thoughtful, and Nino feels a slight shiver, thinking that there’s a possibility that Aiba’s considering the same possibilities.
“No,” he interrupts, his voice definite. “No what-ifs.”
“But you haven’t even -”
Nino shakes his head, although he hesitates when he sees hurt registering in Aiba’s eyes. He wonders what Aiba’s really trying to say, and he opens his mouth to ask, before deciding not to.
It’s better not to know, he thinks.
8.
“So,” Aiba starts. Nino listens attentively, even if it looks like his attention is focused on the manga in his hands. It’s hard not to be attentive of Aiba; the couch they’re sitting on is relatively large, but Aiba insists on squeezing right next to Nino, who had deliberately chosen to sit at the very end of it. “I introduced Jun my friend the other day, and I think that they’re really hitting it off.”
Nino looks up from the manga, letting the pages close, losing his place in it. It isn’t as if anything he had registered anything he’d read, anyway. “Are you sure it’s a good idea?” he asks. It’s a good question, because Jun doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships.
“It’ll be fine,” Aiba says breezily. “Oh-chan is perfect for him. He’ll totally fix Jun.”
This gets on Nino’s nerves, although he doesn’t know why. “First of all,” he says, his voice tight, “Jun isn’t broken. He doesn’t need to be fixed. Second, even if he is broken, which he isn’t, it’s not your job to fix him, and anyway no one can fix another person. That’s something people have to do for themselves. And third -” he pauses, because Aiba’s eyes are wide and surprised by his outburst and Aiba’s still too close, “third…” and he’s forgetting what he wants to say, because he remembers that this is Aiba and what Aiba’s doing is really quite sweet and he doesn’t know why Aiba must worry about Jun so much - “damn it, Aiba. Why do you always have to sit so goddamned close to me?”
Aiba draws back, startled. “Oh, sorry. I guess being with Kazu-chan’s kind of comfortable, and I forget…”
“Fuck,” Nino mutters, but he isn’t really talking to Aiba anymore. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him - he teases Aiba a lot, sure, but he’s never mean. At least, he tries not to be. “Never mind. I probably should go home.”
Aiba doesn’t say anything as he takes his things and prepares to leave. When he’s about to step out, though, Aiba asks quietly, “is it because you like girls? It makes you uncomfortable if I’m too close?”
“It’s not that,” Nino says, but his reply comes too quick to be believable, as he turns and almost runs out, and away.
It really isn’t that, he thinks. It’s a lot of things, like him maybe perhaps liking Aiba too much and still not wanting to, like Aiba saying that Nino’s comfortable and that he forgets, like Nino wishing that the space between them isn’t something Aiba would ever forget, that it would be something that he’d always feel, the way Nino does.
9.
“Let’s play ‘what-if’,” Aiba announces the moment Nino steps into the store. Nino looks around, to see if Aiba’s talking to anyone else. “I’m talking to you, Kazu-chan.”
Nino doesn’t reply, stopping in front of the counter across Aiba. He decides to play along.
“What if I’m not really the person you think I am?” he asks. “What if I’m not that smart, or that funny, or anything?”
“Not possible,” Aiba replies, upon consideration. “Although it might be nice if you’re not that mean.” Nino’s hand reaches over the counter to hit him lightly, and he continues, without a change in his expression, “That’s exactly what I mean.”
“Fine. What if you’re wrong?”
“Kazu-chan,” Aiba’s definitely bordering on impatient now. “That’s not how the game goes. And, anyway, it’s my turn.”
“I’m just here for a quick visit,” Nino says. “I’m really heading over to Takitani’s to eat.”
“What if I asked you to be completely yourself, and tell me something true?”
“But to be myself is to be secretive,” Nino replies in the same deadpan way Aiba had earlier. He feels a little shaken, though, because he thought that Aiba would never notice how much he holds back when they’re together. “So to tell you something true would be going against character.”
“I meant -”
“My turn.” Nino speaks over Aiba’s words, and Aiba quietens. “What if you and Jun weren’t yet together, and both he and I asked you out. Who would you choose?”
“I…” Aiba’s taken aback by the question, and from the cautious surprise in his eyes - it looks almost fragile, Nino thinks - Nino figures that Aiba has never even considered him as anything other than a friend. He holds out a hand, indicating that he isn’t expecting a reply.
He forces a grin. “I win,” he says, although of course he doesn’t feel like he’s won at all.
Aiba’s face changes, and Nino watches as his friend’s eyes narrow. “You were just trying to trip me up, weren’t you?”
“I told you, you shouldn’t play ‘what-if’ with me,” Nino says casually, before waving goodbye and leaving the store.
10.
Nino complains to Jun that he’s been different since he started dating Aiba’s friend, but the truth is, he’s a little pleased. Jun seems more relaxed now, like whatever it is that makes him always tense and ready to fight back has gone away. Nino knows it isn’t gone, of course. Nino knows that maybe it isn’t even the new guy. Maybe Jun had just got better medication that he hasn’t told Nino about.
Jun’s on the same shift as Sho - Nino always finds it amusing when the two are paired together, because Nino has gotten comfortable with Sho, but Jun still keeps his distance and calls the store manager by his last name. It makes Nino wonder why Aiba hadn’t just tried to get those two together.
“Sho-chan has a girlfriend,” Aiba had reminded him. “Plus, those two together? Too much drama.” And that was that.
Nino was still unsatisfied with not knowing the new guy in Jun’s life, though. This in itself isn’t strange - Jun never bothers to introduce his boyfriends or lovers or whatever he calls them, to Nino. But this guy has lasted longer than the others, and if Jun isn’t on new medication then it’s this guy who makes Jun smile just so when he’s staring at nothing, deep in thought, and as Jun’s best-friend-slash-almost-brother he thinks he has a right to know. He tells Aiba this, and Aiba promises to get the Ohno guy to join in their next gaming session.
At the moment, though, Jun is telling Nino not to bother him at work - he doesn’t want to chat with Sho around - so Nino decides to bother Sho instead.
“Sho-chan?” he asks.
Sho seems amused that he’s calling him the way Aiba does. “What is it?”
“Do you know the guy Jun’s seeing? The Ohno guy?”
“Satoshi, you mean.” Sho nods. “He’s a nice guy. Not someone you should worry about.”
“I’m not worried,” Nino says. “At all.”
“Good.” Sho put down the boxes he had in his arms on the counter, pushed them to the side, then leaned over the counter to give Nino a fixed look. “Since you’re not worried, now let’s talk about Aiba.”
Nino takes a small involuntary step back. “What about Aiba?” he asks warily.
“I’ve seen the way you look at him,” Sho replies. There’s no room for jokes or excuses in his tone. “Aiba’s the kind of person who trusts too easily, and no offence, but you seem like the kind of guy who keeps too many things to himself. Not too trust-worthy.”
“As true as your words are, I resent that,” Nino says.
Sho shrugs. “So if you as much as lie to him, or hurt him -” he pauses when Nino holds out a hand.
“It’s not like that,” he tells Sho. “Really. I mean, you’re not wrong. But nothing’s going to happen. We’re just friends. Best friends,” he qualifies when Sho still looks at him suspiciously.
“I’m his best friend,” Sho retorts, but it sounds weak. Nino grins at the store owner but doesn’t reply. Out of the corner of the eye, he sees Jun almost (but not quiet) scowling in their direction; he knows that Jun can’t hear them from where he is but he also knows that it’s time to leave. So he gives them both a salute, and saunters out of the store with confidence that he doesn’t feel.
11.
This is one of the secrets that Nino would kill to keep - he knows every stray cat in the neighbourhood.
After dinner, Nino had went to Takitani’s. He supposes that there’s really no point in going there when he’s already eaten, but he likes the atmosphere there. Like Aibaland, it makes him feel enveloped by a kind of warmth that he could only describe as going home. He orders himself a drink, spends a few hours chatting with the owner and the other regulars.
When he finally leaves, he’s more than a little buzzed - he had never been a strong drinker - and takes his time walking to the small neighbourhood park sandwiched between two taller buildings. It’s probably the saddest park in the city, he thinks, with only a pair of benches and one large tree. In fact, it’s probably more of a clearing than a park, despite the fact that everyone who lives there calls it “the park.”
It’s one of his favourite places.
He sits at one of the benches, the one under the tree, and it doesn’t take long for a cat to come out. It sniffs suspiciously at the air, pretending to hesitate before nearing Nino. Around the corner, Nino sees another cat padding over the grass towards him.
In a few minutes, there are five cats and Nino’s pulling out the plastic food container from his bag, where he keeps his leftovers.
“Ka-zu-chan!”
Nino almost drops the food, but steadies his hand in time. “Aiba,” he says, although his mind isn’t really working. He’s completely on autopilot; he feels like he’s watching from afar, bemused by the loud panicked alarms in his brains that someone had caught him at something. “Don’t come near, you’ll scare the - ” he stopped, because Aiba was already standing before him, and the cats paid the other man no heed at all. They were still waiting for the food, which they attacked the moment Nino put it on the ground, dividing it between them.
“Don’t worry, cats never run from me,” Aiba replies, shrugging. “It’s been that way forever. Weird, huh?”
“Weird.” Nino still isn’t thinking right, because otherwise he would be demanding what Aiba was doing there.
“But they seem to like you, too.” Aiba smiles as one of the cats puts a paw on Nino’s food, as if asking for attention. Nino bends and pats her had absently.
“Eh. I happened to have some leftovers and gave it to one of the cats once, and then they all started coming every time I come here. All my peace and quiet, gone. But they seem to worship me or something - maybe they even think I’m some kind of deity or something, you know, The Bringer of the Heavenly Food. The Heavenly Bringer of Food? The… anyway. Who am I to disappoint them?”
Aiba laughs. Nino likes it when Aiba laughs, although it also puzzles him sometimes, because he doesn’t think that he’s being particularly funny. Aiba moves to sit next to him.
“Do you want to know a secret?” Aiba asks him.
“No.”
“I think that you’re really a nice guy, deep down. Really deep down. But you just don’t want anyone to know it.”
“Great,” Nino says flatly. “Now you know my darkest secret. I’ll have to kill you before you blabber it to the world and they try to saint me.”
Aiba laughs again, which makes Nino smile. Just a little, and he turns slightly so that Aiba can’t see.
“You’re just like Jun,” Aiba continues, and Nino’s smile disappears.
If he’s just like Jun, then what makes Aiba choose Jun and not him?
"I'm not like him at all," he says flatly. "Because if I was dating you, I would never want anyone else."
Aiba turns away, but not before Nino sees the laughter in his eyes fade. "Easy for you to say, for someone who never dates," Aiba says.
"Ah," Nino replies. "You're right."
12.
He’s supposed to be checking out the new izakaya with Jun, but Jun had ditched him at the last minute to be with his new boyfriend, again. Nino doesn’t really mind, because at least he’s met Ohno - Aiba had been true to his word, and got Ohno to join them in their gaming sessions - and is surprised to find that he actually likes the guy. He’s irritated, though, because he thinks that Jun is going to hurt Ohno one of these days - or worse, hurt himself. Because as much as Nino could see that Jun is changing, becoming softer… almost happier, even, Nino also knows something else - nothing lasts, and the secret to avoiding heartbreak is to try not to care too much. It’s something that Jun knows, or had once known, but is probably forgetting.
Nino doesn’t say anything, because he understands.
Sometimes he forgets, too.
13.
“Aren’t you supposed to be out with Jun tonight?” Nino asks, but he lets Aiba in. He fidgets; he’s still uncomfortable with having Aiba over. He finds it strange that Aiba’s practically a millionaire and he’s struggling with a meaningless nine-to-five job, and yet his apartment still has so much more stuff than Aiba’s. He waits for Aiba’s eyes to start roaming over his DVD and game collections, looking for something for them to do that night, but instead Aiba just gives him a shrug in reply.
“Not really. Jun’s busy tonight.”
“But he said he had a date -” he shuts up, then. Of course. He studies Aiba’s expression, but it’s hard to tell if Aiba’s just upset, or really upset. “Um.”
Aiba just shrugs, again. “I told him it’s okay; he’s just taking my word for it.”
A part of him wants to say, he doesn’t want to know. Another part of him wants to hunt Jun down and yell at his best friend for not seeing that Aiba’s more than enough.
Unfortunately, that’s also the part of him that he wishes he could cut away sometimes - the part that is starting to care too much.
He’s realising that he still hasn’t said anything, and is about to, but Aiba’s already moving towards the DVD shelves that covers the entire side of one of the living room walls. “So, what are we doing tonight?”
They shoot down spaceships until it’s almost dawn; at least, that’s how it feels like to Nino. In reality, they play for an hour or two before he starts to fall asleep. He doesn’t know if he’s the one who leans against Aiba, or Aiba pulls him over so that he doesn’t fall, or if they had both fallen asleep around the same time, but when he wakes they’re sort of tangled and it’s definitely strange, because he’s more uncomfortable and yet more rested than he’s ever been in his life. He untangles himself as his mind slowly pushes away the fog of sleep, together with the hazy dream that he had awoken from.
Sometimes, the dream Aiba had said, I think I’d rather hang out with Kazu-chan than anyone else, anyway.
It’s too bad it’s just a dream, Nino thinks, but he tucks away the words anyway, hiding them deep inside himself for safekeeping, knowing that he’ll probably take it out to replay every now and then.
14.
Nino wishes that he had warned Jun about Ohno when he had the chance, because Jun seems on edge of late. Now when Jun stares off into the distance, his look seems more wistful than content. Nino had known, had told himself, that it’s going to happen sooner or later, but somehow it’s bothering him more than it should, and he doesn’t understand why.
Then he realises - he wants Jun and Ohno to be okay. He wants them to prove him wrong, because if he’s wrong, then maybe everything isn’t so hopeless after all.
Knowing why Jun’s upset only makes him feel worse, but he tries his best to hide it when he goes to Aibaland. It’s a rare night, when Aiba’s the only one working, and no one else to help out.
Nino helps out with a couple of the regular customers who wanted replacements for lost parts from their games, and he politely sends away an annoying man who insists on buying some video game from two years ago when Aiba had repeatedly told him that they only sold board games. When the man started to accuse Aiba of hiding the game at the back of the store and being too lazy to check whether or not it’s there, Nino decides to intervene.
He waves cheerfully when the man finally leaves the store; he’s gnashing his teeth because being forced to smile so hard hurts. But he does it, because Aiba hates it when customers are upset. Even if the “customers” don’t really buy anything anyway.
As his hands lower, he looks at Aiba. Aiba’s always thanking him unnecessarily when he helps. It’s as if he had done something amazing, instead of just answering questions or talking to someone. But this time Aiba doesn’t thank him. Instead, Aiba asks, “what if we’ve never met, and you just walked into this store just now? Would you have helped me out?”
“Probably not,” Nino muses. “I would still think he’s an idiot, though, and I might even have told him so.”
Aiba grins. “That would have been interesting to see.”
They’re standing right in front of each other. Nino looks up at Aiba and thinks about Jun, and Ohno, and wanting to be wrong. “What if love isn’t real?” he asks. “What if it’s just a fleeting thing, an empty void that begs to be filled, and disguises itself as something else in order to fill it with another person? Until, of course, you see the truth and that it isn’t love, that love isn’t real after all.”
“Your ‘what-if’ is too long,” Aiba complains, but he thinks about it. It’s another thing Nino likes about Aiba. Even if he’s idealistic and optimistic to a point of stupidity, he still considers Nino’s words without dismissing them outright. Usually. “Hmm… I don’t know. I guess… I’d love anyway? Maybe it’s not real, but throughout the whole time you believe in it, it’s real for you, right?”
“But when you realise the truth, you’ll just feel worse in the end.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. I won’t know until it happens, will I?”
“No, that’s not -”
“My turn,” Aiba interrupts, shushing Nino. “What if I say, for the next five minutes, you have to be completely yourself? Forget consequences or fears or whatever it is that’s holding you back, or keeping you from saying or doing something. What would you do? Where would you go? What would you say?”
Their eyes are on each other, and Nino finds that he can not lie this time. So he tells the truth. “I’d kiss you.”
Aiba blinks, slowly, looking like he’s startled but is trying hard not to show it. And - something else, but Nino can’t tell, because Aiba’s suddenly even closer, and they’re getting too close for comfort, and Nino wants to tell Aiba to back away, when Aiba says, “Do it, then.”
15.
Aiba starts coming over to Nino’s a lot. At first it’s just during the nights when he isn’t working and both Jun and Sho are busy, but as time passes Aiba chooses to watch movies or play games with Nino instead of going out with the other two. Between Nino visiting Aibaland the nights Aiba’s working, and them meeting up for lunch, Nino sees Aiba more than anyone else in any given week.
It’s probably not a good thing when one is trying not to be too attached to someone, but he can’t help it. He likes having Aiba around, so he doesn’t say anything, even when Sho starts to look at him strangely when he walks into the store.
16.
Kissing Aiba is like a jolt - he feels a bit like a kitten that someone poured icy cold water over, shocked and unhappy and electrified, or perhaps petrified. It’s all so wrong, and what makes things worse is Jun coming into the store at exactly the wrong moment.
Jun leaves immediately, excusing himself, and Nino can’t help it - he lets out a loud, hysterical laugh. Aiba watches him with wide eyes. When his laughter subsides, he doesn’t look at Aiba, and runs out after Jun instead.
He catches up with Jun a few steps away from the train station, and calls out for Jun to stop.
“About me and Aiba,” he says, beginning to explain, even though he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to explain. That he’s been in love with Aiba for a long time, even when Aiba had been dating Jun? That he had been trying not to be, even after Aiba and Jun had broken up? That he’s still trying not to be?
Jun and Aiba may no longer be a couple, but they’re still very good friends. Jun would never forgive him if he hurt Aiba. He’d never forgive himself, assuming there’s any of him left after Sho’s done tearing him into pieces.
“It’s none of my business,” Jun tells him, and Nino’s relieved, even if he doesn’t show it. He straightens up and looks at Jun instead, now that he feels calmer about things.
“About Ohno, then.” He still wants to know what’s wrong, if it could be fixed. There’s still a part of him that wants Jun and Ohno to work, to prove that sometimes, people work.
“And that’s none of your business,” Jun retorts. Nino nods. It’s true, anyway. But he persists.
“Do you realise that besides Aiba, Ohno is the only one of your guys that I’ve met? I think that means something, don’t you?”
Jun doesn’t have an answer to that, but it doesn’t matter. Nino isn’t sure if he’s prepared to hear it anyway.
17.
He never drops by the fancy pet place where Aiba works, but Nino supposes that there’s a first time for everything. Aiba is always coming to his workplace, anyway, that he thinks it’s about time that he pays Aiba a visit.
The first person that greets him when he arrives is a tall woman - she’s probably almost as tall as Aiba. Nino’s struck by two things - one, that she’s clearly very pretty, and two, she looks like she had never smiled in her whole life. He almost asks her about that when he notices that she’s looking at him strangely, and he realises that he’s at a pet groomer’s without a pet. He tells her that he’s looking for Aiba.
She tells him that Aiba’s playing with some of the new puppies in the back of the store. When he asks if it’s okay for him to go in, she doesn’t reply. He stands there for just a few seconds before deciding to go ahead. She hadn’t exactly said no, after all.
He hears Aiba’s voice as he nears the door that has the “Staff Only” sign plastered over it. It’s not completely closed, and his hand is already on the handle when he hears another familiar voice.
Sho.
“Look,” he hears Sho say, “I’m not trying to tell you how to live…”
“That’s exactly what you’re trying to do.”
It’s interesting, or it would be if he didn’t feel so involved in the whole thing, that Sho’s speaking in a tense, worried tone, while Aiba sounded dry and perhaps even mildly amused.
“Masaki.” Somehow it seems like Sho says Aiba’s name a lot, in the same exasperated voice.
“I like Jun.” The way Aiba says it, it sounds so simple, something so easy to decide on. “He’s nice, even if… you know. And it is possible to like more than one person at a time. I’m not - I’m not making excuses. I know you think that I am, but I’m not.”
So that’s it, Nino thinks. Sho’s worried that Aiba might get hurt, being with Jun. It isn’t an entirely baseless worry, he knows, but he also knows that Aiba’s right on one account. Jun likes Aiba, too. Jun’s romances may be short-lived and they may all seem studiously casual, but Nino has no doubt that Jun genuinely cares about everyone he chooses to spend time with.
Jun chooses to care for everyone, dividing his affections into smaller portions so that he never completely attaches himself to a single person. Nino chooses not to care at all.
Aiba’s saying soppy stuff about how sweet it is that Sho’s still trying to look out for him; Nino doesn’t listen. He decides that he’s had enough of listening.
He leaves.
18.
Nino hasn’t been to Aibaland for three days. He’d be with Jun, except that it seems like Jun’s missing, too. He knows that Jun has been to work - Toma has told him that much, at least - but Jun definitely haven’t been home, or answering his calls. He didn’t even know if it’s Ohno that’s bothering Jun, or the fact that Jun had seen him with Aiba. Either way, he had lost both of his best friends in one night.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
He works late, and spends most of his evenings at Takitani’s. Meeting new people, making new friends. Like most of the people there, they’re always around at first, but then life gets better and they stop coming. Nino likes it that way, because it reminds him of how fleeting everything is.
On the fourth day, Aiba comes looking for him at the office.
He’s the only one who hasn’t left for lunch, which he supposes is a small blessing, but it doesn’t make him feel any less trapped, seeing Aiba looking down at him from the entrance of his cubicle.
“How did you get them to let you in?” he asked, letting irritation colour his tone. Usually when visitors came, the receptionist would call in ahead to check if they’re wanted before letting them through.
Aiba shrugs, not seeming to take offense with Nino’s words. “Told them I’m visiting Sho-chan.”
Nino’s eyes narrow. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
“It does, too.” Aiba looks like he’s starting to understand something, and grins. “Don’t tell me you don’t know about him.”
“What?”
“Kazu-chan… do you know the name of the guy who runs this company that you work in?”
Nino raises an eyebrow at the way Aiba phrased things. “Of course I do. It’s Sakurai… father? It’s Sho’s father?”
“Yup.” Aiba seems amused by the whole thing, but he’s the only one. Nino feels a creeping coldness coming over him; apparently Sho could do more than just tear him into pieces if anything happened with Aiba.
“What - why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“I thought you knew.” Then, while Nino’s brain is still stuck on processing the idea that the guy who runs Aibaland with Aiba is also one of his bosses, Aiba changes the subject. “Kazu-chan, do you hate me?”
This startles him; Aiba had spoken to him as if nothing had been wrong at all, and he had almost forgotten that he’s avoiding the other man. He had expected Aiba to be angry, or upset, but the quiet way Aiba had asked the question indicates something else, that he can’t quite put his finger on.
He shakes his head, once. “No one could ever hate you.” Surely Aiba must know that, he thinks.
“But you’ve been avoiding me.”
“It’s not you. I just need… space, I guess.”
“Because we kissed?”
Aiba’s voice rises an octave when he asks the question, and he takes a step forward. Nino doesn’t know if it’s that, or the question itself, that makes him jerk slightly, and step back. “Because it was a bad idea.”
Aiba’s brows furrow, then. “Really? I thought it was a good one.”
His breathing is getting shallow, and Aiba’s coming even closer, and his brain must have shut off temporarily because he says, “Maybe I’m just remembering it wrong.”
He doesn’t even know if it’s Aiba who leans into him or if it’s him who pulls Aiba closer, but it doesn’t really matter.
19.
Nino thinks about the conversation he wasn’t meant to hear, and he thinks about Aiba and Sho. They’re not really like him and Jun, he thinks. But that’s to be expected - no one are like him and Jun. He doesn’t even know if the term “best friend” is enough to describe what he has with Jun. Which is why he shouldn’t be thinking about Aiba the way he is, he reminds himself. But it’s difficult. Even then, he’s already thinking about his own relationship with Aiba - he could genuinely say that he likes Aiba (even as just a friend) more than anyone else, even if they don’t have the history that he has with Jun, or Aiba does with Sho.
When he meets with Jun later that day, he asks Jun about the other two, but Jun just shrugs. “They’re close,” is all Jun says. “Really close.”
Even Nino could tell that much, but before he could say that he realises that Jun looks more tired than usual. “Hey,” he says, as casually as he could. “Are things okay with you? Now that you’re working at Aibaland, we don’t really see each other all that often.”
“Aiba works there, too, and he has a real day job, and yet you still see him more often than you see me,” Jun replies. There is no heat in his words; he’s just avoiding the subject.
“Jun,” Nino says, letting his impatience show. “What is it.”
Jun sighs. “Nothing much.” He looks out the window, and it seems like forever before he turns back to Nino. “Aiba saw my scars the other day.”
Nino’s surprised. He would have thought that Aiba had seen them before, or that it wouldn’t be a big deal. But Jun seems troubled by the fact. “Is that a problem?”
“No. It’s just that I think it freaked him out, a bit.”
“Give him time,” Nino says. “He’ll get over it. Aiba’s not the kind of person who’ll hold something like that against you.”
Jun gives him a small smile, and it dawns on him that he’s talking like he knows Aiba better than Jun - who isn’t only dating Aiba, but has known the guy longer. And the strangest thing is, he probably does know Aiba better.
20.
The second time they kiss is different from the first in several ways. No one walks in on them this time, for one. And he isn’t thinking of Jun, or of any of the reasons why he shouldn’t be kissing Aiba. Most importantly, this time it doesn’t feel wrong at all.
This scares him more than when he first realised his feelings for Aiba.
When they finally draw apart, Aiba has a smile on his face that makes something in Nino’s stomach flip, and he wants to kiss Aiba again, but he makes himself hold back. He tries to be as still as he is able to, and makes sure that nothing shows on his face.
“Kazu-chan?” Aiba asks, hesitant. Something is beginning to cloud Aiba’s then-bright eyes, and Nino hates himself for that, but he doesn’t let himself soften.
“I told you,” he says, in as neutral a voice as he could manage. “This is a bad idea.”
“But - why?”
“Because of your past with Jun. Because we’re friends. Because I don’t date; surely you remember that.”
“You’re not celibate, either,” Aiba counters.
“You’re right - I’m not. But you don’t want that kind of relationship, do you? Especially after Jun.”
“But, Kazu-chan, what if -”
“No ‘what-ifs’. You deserve more, Aiba.”
Aiba’s eyes narrow, then, and his expression is hard to decipher. “You really mean that.”
“I do.”
It takes a long time before either of them says anything else. In the end, Aiba relents, though, nodding. “Okay,” he says. “But we’re still friends?”
Nino hates the uncertainty in Aiba’s tone, and he hates the relief that he swallows with the bitterness in his throat. “Of course.”
“You’re coming to our game night tomorrow? It won’t be the same without you.”
“I will.” He pauses. “Is Jun coming?”
Aiba frowns. “I don’t think so. He says he wants to be by himself for awhile. Oh-chan is coming, though.”
Nino nods, and they continue the conversation as if nothing had happened. But they stand farther apart than they normally would have, and every now and then one of them would get a look in their eye as they gaze at the other, talking.
Neither says anything else about what they’re really thinking about.
21.
Sho is too protective of Aiba, Nino realises, watching Sho scoot closer to Aiba so very subtly. It isn’t like Jun is going to do anything to Aiba at that very moment, but this doesn’t seem to matter to Sho - as far as Sho’s concerned, Jun’s going to hurt Aiba sooner or later, and he’s going to be there for Aiba when it happens.
Aiba obviously finds it irritating, occasionally shooting annoyed looks at Sho as he tries to get more space for himself. He doesn’t tell Sho off, though, and when Sho says something funny Aiba still laughs loudly, scattering Nino’s thoughts as his pulse skitters through him. Aiba loves Sho, the way one could only love someone who’s been looking after them for more than a decade. It makes Nino envious sometimes, the acidic feeling running parallel with the simple rush of being near Aiba.
Jun looks slightly uncomfortable as Aiba hovers over him instead, asking him if he needs another drink. Aiba’s been mothering Jun a lot of late, but Nino doesn’t blame him. He had felt like that, too, when he had first discovered Jun’s cutting problem. But that was a long time ago, and Jun’s better now. He just has to keep reminding himself of that.
Nino drags his eyes away from them, then, and accidentally met Sho’s.
They look at each other; there’s still that suspicious look in Sho’s eyes that makes him think that Sho knows. He ignores it, and swallows the lump in his throat before telling Toma to hurry up and make his move so that the others could have their turn.
22.
Jun picks up the phone. Nino’s been calling every few hours for the last few days, and Jun finally picks up.
Nino doesn’t what to say at first; Jun had been avoiding him - and everyone else, from what he’s heard - for almost a week, so he doesn’t expect Jun to answer. He’s sick with worry and he doesn’t know if he feels like crying in relief or yelling in anger.
“I’m sorry,” he blurts out. It’s the first thing he could think of. “I’ve talked with Aiba, and we’ve agreed that seeing each other would be bad, and -”
“Why would it be bad?” Jun asks. He sounds genuinely confused, which surprises Nino again.
“Because,” he starts, but stops. Jun knows the arguments, he thinks. Jun should know them.
“I don’t mind, if that’s what’s bothering you.”
“It’s not like that. I mean, it is, kind of. But. It’s not just that. It’s… I can’t be with him,” Nino tells Jun. He wishes that he could see Jun now, instead of talking on the phone. “It would mean too much.”
Jun is quiet for a moment; Nino knows that Jun’s there, though, and that he understands. “Do you want to know something?” Jun asks. His voice is softer, more hesitant than Nino had ever heard.
“What?”
“I haven’t really been with anyone else, since Satoshi.”
“That’s not true - Aiba told me you went out with some other guy, and you left with that cute guy the last time we were out…”
“Yes,” Jun says, not denying it. “I did. But nothing really happened, with either of them. I cut my date short, and as for the other guy… he never even made it through my front door. Satoshi was there, and I realised - I’d rather be with him, than any of the others.”
Nino’s quiet, thinking about what Jun is telling him. He understands how Jun must have felt; if it’s anything like the panic he feels about being too attached to Aiba, then it’s no wonder that Jun needed to disappear. “You’ve really fallen for that guy.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” Jun says, and even though Nino couldn’t see him Nino knows that he must be bristling, and annoyed.
“Jun,” he replies, “that’s exactly what you’re saying.”
He hangs up before Jun could deny it any further, but he’s relieved. Jun’s going to be okay after all, he thinks. And most importantly, what Jun had with Ohno was real - enough that Jun’s changing. Enough that Jun’s scared. Enough that Nino could see that Jun’s stupid if he doesn’t take a chance with Ohno, which tells him one thing.
Some secrets are for sharing.
23.
One of the things Nino will never tell anyone is this: he feels responsible for Jun’s scars. Jun’s mother had never been the best of role models, living her life chasing one man after another, and falling into deep depression when they abandoned her, which they all eventually did. When Jun’s mother passed away, he went to live with Nino, but his own home life isn’t that much better. While Nino tells himself he doesn’t need anyone, Jun lives in constant fear - or perhaps it’s really expectation - of abandonment. Nino hadn’t realised it when Jun started to latch on to him, wanting to do everything with him. Then Nino started to get involved with things at school, and breaking promises he’d made with Jun. None of it seemed like a big deal to him - they could always watch the movie another time, and go out for dinner another time, or whatever it was that they planned to do together. They saw each other all the time at home, anyway. But every “next time” was a rejection to Jun, who had never really gotten over his mother’s death (her final abandonment), and was falling into depression himself.
By the time Nino found out, it was almost too late. Jun did get better, though, and Nino had been there with him the whole time, but it didn’t erase the fact that he hadn’t paid enough attention before.
That’s why he would always look out for Jun now, even if it irritates his best friend. That’s why even he would never tell Jun how he felt about Aiba, even though he knew that Jun would step aside, for him.
24.
The first person Nino looks for is Ohno. It isn’t too hard, as Ohno still comes to their game nights even when Jun doesn’t. He could tell that Ohno’s hoping for Jun to show, from the determinedly neutral expression fixed on the other’s face when Aiba says Jun’s not coming. Nino doesn’t say much throughout the night, other than cracking lame jokes that only Aiba finds funny, but when Ohno’s leaving Nino catches up with him, and says that they needed to talk.
Nino tells Ohno about Jun - about his mother, about his depression, about the medication he’s still on. Nino explains that Ohno has to be patient with him, that whatever he does he should never give up, but stops when Ohno just smiles.
“What?” he asks.
“Nothing,” Ohno says. “Thank you for telling me,” he continues gently, “but I think I’ll let Jun tell me the rest.” Nino gives Ohno a sceptical look; Jun never opens up to anyone other than him. Ohno interprets his look correctly, and says, “It’ll take time, but he’ll come around.”
And that’s how Nino knows that Aiba had been right - Ohno would be more than capable of handling Jun.
He doesn’t head home after leaving Ohno. Instead, he walks slowly back to Aiba’s, hoping that Sho and Toma would have left by then. When he arrives, Toma has gone, but Sho is just leaving, and stops when he sees Nino. He fixes Nino with a hard look. “It’s late,” he says.
“I just need to talk to him.”
“You can talk later.”
“Sho-chan, who’re you talking to?” Aiba asks in the background. Sho’s about to answer when Aiba comes over. He looks bewildered to see Nino there. “Kazu? Did you leave something behind?”
“I want to talk-” Nino starts, but he’s interrupted by Sho.
“He’s coming back tomorrow.”
The two of them look at each other, neither wanting to give in. But Aiba pushes Sho, who’s still standing at the door frame, out of the house. “You have an early meeting tomorrow, right, Sho-chan? Go back, I’ll handle this.”
“But -”
“You promised that you’d stay out of this.”
“That was when you said you’d choose Jun.”
“Sho.”
Nino doesn’t really understand the exchange between the two, but after looking at each other for awhile, Sho nods and turns away. He doesn’t look at Nino, but Nino doesn’t mind. He could fix things with Sho later - at the moment, Aiba matters more. “What was that about?” he asks, as Aiba lets him in the house. Aiba replies with a question of his own.
“Why are you here?”
“I asked you first.” Aiba gives him a look that makes him quail inside. “Okay. Fine. I wanted to talk to you.”
“I gathered that much,” Aiba says dryly. “What about?”
He had thought that it would be easier, telling Aiba how he feels. But somehow now that he’s there, and Aiba’s right in front of him, he doesn’t know what to say. Maybe it has something to do with how indifferent Aiba seems. He thinks about giving up, but forces himself to look at Aiba in the eyes, and to speak. “Maybe I was wrong.”
Too vague. The good thing is, Aiba seems to know exactly what he’s talking about. The bad thing is, Aiba’s reaction is far from the one he’s hoping for - Aiba’s expression darkens, and he looks away from Nino. “I thought we decided that we make better friends.”
“What if I was lying? What if I was just scared to admit to the truth?”
“Then maybe you’ve lost that chance.”
“Aiba.” Nino doesn’t get it. He understands someone being impatient, or even mad, with the kind of hot-and-cold behaviour he’d been indulging in when it comes to Aiba. But if Aiba had been okay with Jun, and if Aiba had been okay with the idea of being “just friends”, then why is he shutting down when Nino’s changing his mind? “I don’t understand.”
“What if -” Aiba pauses. “What if I’ve been in love with someone, but only realised it when I was already dating someone else?”
“Is that it? You’re dating someone else now?”
“What if the person I was dating is someone I really cared about, someone I didn’t want to let down?”
Nino understood, then. Aiba’s talking about Jun. Aiba had been as relieved as he was upset, when they’d broken up. He had told Nino that it was his fault, because he had wanted to care for Jun more than he wanted to be with Jun. But if what Aiba was saying is true, then... “What if -”
“I’m not done,” Aiba says, irritably. “What if that person keeps giving me mixed signals, making me think they might like me too, and then saying that we’re just friends, just to repeat the whole thing a few days later? What if I don’t want to deal with that anymore?”
Nino feels his throat dry, as something akin to panic wells up. “Then that person’s an idiot!” he says, letting his words out in one breath. Aiba’s eyes widen in surprise. “What if that person’s a coward and an idiot who takes too long to figure out what he wants?”
“Kazu...”
“What if he’s been telling himself that he doesn’t need anyone for so long that it takes awhile for him to realise that there’s someone that he needs after all?”
“Kazu-chan-”
“What if he decides that being just friends is a stupid idea after all, and if he can’t have all of you, he’d rather not have you at all?”
“Kazu, listen to me.”
Nino pauses, but it’s only because he’s out of breath, and he’s starting to realise that he’s ranting and that he probably sounds stupid.
“What if you change your mind again?” Aiba asks.
“I won’t.”
“Yeah, but what if...?”
“No more ‘what ifs’. I’m tired of ‘what ifs’, Aiba. There are too many of them, and I’ve spent my whole life being scared of them. What if I let myself fall for you, and then you leave?”
Everything feels suspended, hanging in the air as he finally reveals one of the secrets he thought he never would. But even so, he’s lying, and he’s pretty sure that Aiba knows it. He had already fallen, and so the only thing he has left to cling to is trust.
“I’m not going to - oh. I see what you mean.” Aiba sighs, and Nino thinks that it’s hopeless, but then Aiba takes his hand, tentative. “This is hard, isn’t it?”
Not holding back, trusting each other completely not to break the other’s heart. It’s hard. “I’m willing to try, if you are.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay,” Aiba confirms. They look at each other, letting the seconds become minutes. Aiba smiles. Nino smiles. Then they both laugh, mostly in relief.
“Is this how our story ends, then?” he asks, mostly joking, but with a tinge of seriousness that Aiba detects, and responds to.
“No,” Aiba answers, a hint of a smile still on his lips, in his words. “This is how it begins.”
~the end~
Marineko's Notes:
I know that I said I won't post any non-charity fics before I finish my requests, but my deadline to post this is looming and I can't ignore it any longer D: (I am halfway done with my next charity fic, though.)
Anyway, this is my first Aimiya fic I think. Hope it's okay! ^^
FANDOM: Arashi
PAIRING: Aimiya, (ex)Junba, (mention of)Juntoshi
RATING: PG
DATE: August 19th, 2011
WORD COUNT: 10,600
NOTES/DISCLAIMERS: This is a work of fiction. Beta-ed by arashic0804. A companion to my Juntoshi one-shot " Hung Up On Love", but can be read separately. Written for the rainbowfilling rare pairing challenge. Prompt: Best Friend.
WHAT IF I CONFESS TO EVERYTHING
1.
Nino doesn’t think of himself as an insomniac, but he doesn’t deny that he doesn’t sleep much. There’s just always so much to do, too many thoughts crowding in his head, and he can’t figure out a way to make it less noisy for him to finally rest without waking up every few minutes or so. When he was younger, it had been annoying, because his mother seems to have some kind of psychic ability and knows when he’s not in bed when he should have been. Then Jun moves in, around the time he’s starting high school, and everything changes.
The most obvious change, of course, is that he’s not alone anymore. It’s strange; Nino never thinks of himself as lonely. But when he begs his mother to let Jun live with them, it occurs to him that he’ll have to share his room with Jun until one of them moves out. He’ll never be truly alone anymore. The thought scares him, but excites him at the same time. He’ll have a brother - someone to talk to when he wakes up in the middle of the night, someone to game with, someone to cover for him when he sneaks out through the window.
When Nino goes off to college, he moves out, and rents a small apartment in the city. Jun moves with him, finding a job close by.
It doesn’t take him long to develop a habit of night prowling, and soon he becomes addicted to discovering new places, stores that only open at night, and meeting the kind of people one doesn’t really meet on normal circumstances. He’s sat with and talked to hosts, runaways, yakuza, minor celebrities, people coming in for a snack from the nearby okama bar. He likes it, the reminder that underneath it all, there are so many people who aren’t going by the traditional route of life, who don’t subscribe to what’s expected of them by society.
Nino works at a dead end nine-to-five job at a company so big he doubts that they’d notice if he doesn’t turn up at work (not that he tests this theory out), but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate difference.
He finds Aibaland one day, a small game shop in a secluded corner of a narrow street. They only had board games, unique and one-of-a-kind, and they only open at night. He doesn’t really play board games but they intrigued him, and from the minute he steps into the store he knows that he likes it, that it wouldn’t be his only visit.
He doesn’t ask if Aibaland is hiring because he’s trying to help Jun out. Of course Nino wants to help Jun. But really, deep down inside, hidden in a place he’ll never admit to existing even under torture, is a treasure trove of secrets - and one of those secrets is that he just wants an excuse to hang out in Aibaland without actually becoming a customer.
2.
“Two steps forward… oh, you get a chance card!” Excited, Aiba picks a card off the stack before Jun could. He looks at it, and laughs. “You get majorly humiliated on the latest episode of your variety show, and were made to wear a nipple shirt. Minus five points on glamour, plus three points on TV ratings. That gives you 10 TV ratings points, so you get an extra popularity point. But since you lost 5 glamour points in one go, you also lose one of your overall popularity point.”
Jun frowns. “What’s a nipple shirt?”
Aiba explains, and Nino laughs at Jun’s expression. “What kind of stupid TV show is that?” Jun asks, and Aiba reminds him that it’s just a game.
“Okay, Nino’s turn!”
Nino rolls his dice, and moves his token across the board. He doesn’t read what’s written where his token lands; Aiba’s already doing it.
“Cool. You’re putting out a special duet CD with another idol. Choose your duet partner and you both gets plus five popularity points.” Aiba looks at Nino with large, heavy lidded eyes that make him think of cute, cuddly animals. “You’re going to pick me, right?”
“Of course Nino’s choosing me,” Toma interrupts. “I bought your dinner yesterday,” he reminded Nino.
“I buy him dinner every other day,” Jun says drily. “So that’s not going to convince him.”
The three of them look at Nino expectantly. He knows that Toma wouldn’t mind not being chosen; the guy’s winning, anyway. But Aiba… he wants to pick Aiba, of course. He’d been intrigued by the game designer ever since he first found Aibaland, and that was before he’d met the actual person. He had wondered who’s spend all their time to create these games as a hobby, then sell them in a store that only opens at midnight that they run with their best friend, because they both had day jobs. Aiba hadn’t been quite what he’d expected at all, but Nino’s interest in him had never waned.
He’s still thinking when he sees Jun saying something to Aiba in a low voice, and Aiba laughs in that raspy-but-giggly way that makes Nino feel like he’s stuck his finger in a power socket. He scowls, annoyed with his own reaction, but fixes his expression as soon as Jun throws him a curious glance. “Toma,” he says, finally. “I pick Toma.”
“What?” Jun and Aiba ask simultaneously. Neither could believe that Nino hadn’t picked them. Nino repeats his choice, Toma whoops, and they both get five bonus popularity points.
Nino had actually met an idol, once, at one of the late night cafes he’s sauntered into before. He wondered what the guy would have thought of Aiba’s “Storm Idols” game.
3.
Nino doesn’t particularly like or dislike work, but he hates lunch time. Everyone in his department likes to go out for lunch together, for “bonding” purposes. He doesn’t hate the people he works with, but it doesn’t mean that he likes to spend his time away from the office with them. So he lets them think he’s antisocial and grabs a snack from a vending machine to eat at his desk instead.
He’s surprised when Aiba shows up one day with a large grin and take out in his hands, saying that he has work in the area and wants to hang out with his favourite person.
Nino has to fight hard not to smile too widely, even though he knows that almost everybody is Aiba’s favourite person.
They go out and find a park where they could eat. Between mouthfuls, Nino asks Aiba what keeps his store in business, since Aibaland is more of a hobby than anything else.
Aiba shrugs. “Sho-chan handles all the money stuff,” he says. “I just make the games.”
Nino learns that Aiba’s actually rich - filthy rich, judging from the way Aiba talks, although Aiba doesn’t really put it that way, in those words. On his high school graduation, he, Sho, and a couple of their friends had bought lottery tickets for a lark. Nothing came out of it for the other three, but Aiba ended up becoming a millionaire. Not knowing what to do with the news, he told Sho about it, and Sho had helped him figure things out.
“Nothing’s changed since then,” Aiba explains. “I didn’t go on a spending spree or go on vacation or anything like that. I had Sho-chan keep it, or maybe he’s investing some of it - since he says I have more than I started out with now - while I just continue living like I always have. The only thing is Aibaland, which Sho-chan didn’t think was a good idea, but I think I’ve got to have some fun, right?” He laughs. “I know that my idea of fun isn’t like most people’s, but I love that store. And Sho-chan tells me that while we’re not making much money out of it - really hardly any at all, at least we’re not losing it?”
Nino’s still letting the knowledge sink in. “Do Jun and Toma know about this?”
“They never asked.” Aiba seems to have lost interest in the subject then, when he suddenly thinks of a potential game idea - a series of sugoroku board games, but with chance and punishment cards and expansions - and talks to Nino excitedly about it.
“What do you do in the day, then? Usually?” Nino asks before he has to go back to the office. He’s reluctant to leave, and wonders for a moment if he should ditch work to hang out with Aiba. He doubts anyone would notice.
Aiba gives him a strange look. “I work, of course! I’m the best groomer at that place,” he says proudly. He points across the street from the park, and Nino sees it - a fancy vet/pet store that he’s passed by every day on his way to his office.
Nino thinks that Aiba’s a strange one, and knowing the man’s so-called secrets didn’t really make him any less mysterious.
They have lunch together every day from then on.
4.
“I didn’t see you yesterday,” Nino says as he sits next to Aiba on the bench. “I thought you were supposed to be working?”
“I didn’t feel like eating out yesterday,” Aiba tells him. Nino looks at Aiba; the game designer doesn’t look any different at first glance, but after awhile he notices that Aiba seems a lot more still than usual, and more solemn.
“What’s up?” he asks lightly, nudging Aiba’s knees with his.
“I broke up with Jun last weekend,” Aiba says. Nino feels like everything stops for a second, and he wonders why is it that he feels like he’s the one who’s broken up with someone. “Or rather, he broke up with me?”
If it were anyone else, Nino would probably curse them out, and make elaborate plans for revenge. But it’s Jun, so Nino doesn’t know what to do. “Are you okay?” he asks carefully. “Want me to beat him up for you?”
Aiba laughs, and Nino wonders what’s so funny - the fact that he’s offering to beat his own best friend up, or the idea of him beating anyone up. He knows how he looks, pale and skinny and small compared to Aiba.
“I’m fine,” Aiba replies. “No, I really think it’s better this way. You know about his scars, right?” He pauses, awkward. “Of course you know. Well, ever since I found out things haven’t been the same. I try not to let it bother me, but…”
“You should’ve seen how my mom freaked out when we first found out. But we made him get help, and he’s better now. Aiba, he’s better now.”
“I know that. But, it still changes things. Maybe because I start feeling bad for him, like I want to take care of him more than I want to be with him, and I don’t think that’s entirely a good thing to feel about a boyfriend?”
Nino has nothing to say to that. He remains calm, but he feels a tremble inside him, a need to make Aiba okay again - he knows that the idea that someone would cut themselves like Jun had had deeply unsettled Aiba - and a sort of relief that surprised him.
He hadn’t noticed it before, but he had felt strung up and stretched ever since Aiba and Jun had started dating. It’s just because Jun’s relationships never end well, he thinks. It doesn’t mean anything else.
But when Aiba’s knees nudged his back, and Nino’s thoughts go to how Aiba seems so electric, somehow, he wonders how much of what he’s telling himself is really true.
5.
Maybe Nino isn’t like most guys. He knows that he isn’t like Jun, who never dates one person at a time, and never gives himself away. Nino doesn’t date, but he gives himself away all the time.
Jun has an eye for beauty, and while he doesn’t want to be in love with his lovers, he doesn’t see why there shouldn’t be sex. It isn’t that Nino isn’t interested in sex, but to him, it isn’t what draws him towards a person. He likes the details, like the way Aiba’s smile just beams, like the split second when Aiba’s laughter dissolves into manic giggles. He likes noticing when Aiba has spent a lot of time outdoors with the dogs in his care, and turns a shade darker than before. He likes the way one day Aiba forgets himself and calls him, “Kazu.”
It takes him longer to notice that Aiba’s beautiful, too, and of course Jun would have realised right away.
They didn’t tell him when they started dating. It’s probably as sudden to them, he supposes; Jun’s relationships always come and go so quickly. One night when he’s in the store just to have their company, he notices that they’re trying to be together, alone, and he notices:
the number of times Aiba’s hand would brush against Jun’s (too many to count);
the way Jun seems to soften, a little, when looking at Aiba;
the way they both acted suspiciously guilty, like they’re keeping something from him;
and he knew. He excuses himself, saying that he has paperwork to catch up on, that he’s forgotten about. He sees the beginning of a frown creasing Jun’s forehead but he doesn’t stay to explain, he knows that it’s unlike him to bother with bringing work home when it will wait for him at the office anyway.
He doesn’t see a thing until he reaches Takitani’s, one of his favourite all-night diners, and asks the owner if he could use the washroom. He locks himself in, and finally allows his feelings to take him over. Something coils in him tight, and he has to bend over, and he tells himself that he’s supposed to be the cool, supportive friend who doesn’t care that his almost-brother and new-best friend are in a relationship.
All he manages to feel is betrayed, because neither had even told him they were interested in the other.
(If there are other feelings lurking in the shadows, he hides them deep inside, with the other secrets no one else would ever know.)
6.
“It’s about time we find someone for Kazu-chan, right?” Aiba’s saying a bit too loudly over his latest game, a complicated Sengoku era war thing that surprisingly, Sho is winning. Nino glances at the guy, ignoring Aiba. He doesn’t know Sho very well, and neither does Jun, although both of them were friendly enough with Aiba’s childhood friend. It is the first time he was joining in their game night, and it seems like behind the face that reminds him of some kind of adorable rodent is a brilliant strategist. An ally? Nino wonders. Or an enemy?
That’s when Aiba hits him lightly in the arm.
“Hey!”
“Sorry,” Aiba says, not looking slightest bit sorry. “But stop staring; Sho-chan’s taken. I was thinking, why don’t you try going out with Toma?”
Nino and Toma freezes, before looking at each other with mutual expressions of horror.
“Maybe not, huh.” Aiba laughs, also too loudly. Jun says, calmly, that Aiba has drunk quite enough. Aiba just leans towards Nino, asking, “What’s wrong with Toma?”
Irritated, Nino asks, “What makes you think I’m into guys, anyway?”
This causes Aiba to stop, pause, and draw back. “I don’t know,” he finally says. “I guess since you’re best friends with Jun, and you’re fine being friends with me…”
“I’m not homophobic. That means I’m not an asshole, but it doesn’t mean that I’m gay.”
“You’re still an asshole, though,” Jun mutters into his drink before taking a sip. With heroic effort, Nino restrains himself from retorting.
“So you like girls? Is there any that you like right now?” Aiba asks eagerly, changing tactics. “Sho-chan here likes girls, too, maybe he could introduce you to some…”
“I don’t date,” Nino says, his tone final.
Aiba gives Jun a confused look, and Jun nods. “He doesn’t date,” Jun confirms.
“Why not?”
Because between Jun’s crash-and-burn relationships, and Jun’s mother, who he had always suspected had died of a broken heart, and his own mother, who had been abandoned by his father ages ago, Nino had to have learned something. And that something is that people leave, and therefore aren’t worth the bother.
Of course, it isn’t something he could tell Aiba, so he just shrugs. “I just don’t.”
“But -” Aiba stops when Jun mentions that Sho is demolishing the village Aiba had just painstakingly built, sending Aiba in full revenge mode. The subject is forgotten, for now.
Nino looks at Sho out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t be certain, but he thinks Sho half-smiles at him. An ally, he decides.
7.
“Kazu-chan’s my best friend,” Aiba says happily as they sit at their usual lunch bench.
“Sho’s your best friend,” Nino corrects, although he feels a warm glow spreading through him from Aiba’s words. He doesn’t even listen when Aiba tells him that it’s possible to have more than one.
He’s surprised to realise that he finds it easier to be with Aiba now. He’s surprised to realise just how much he had held back before, although he isn’t surprised to realise why. He likes Aiba. He doesn’t want to like Aiba, but he does. A part of him is jealous of Jun for being the one that Aiba chooses, but he’s also relieved, because Jun takes that choice away from him.
Now he could be Aiba’s friend, and never worry about what if.
“Hey, Kazu-chan,” Aiba’s voice said, sneaking into his thoughts and scattering it away. “What if...?”
Nino looks at Aiba sharply, wondering if he’d spoken out loud. But Aiba just looks curious and thoughtful, and Nino feels a slight shiver, thinking that there’s a possibility that Aiba’s considering the same possibilities.
“No,” he interrupts, his voice definite. “No what-ifs.”
“But you haven’t even -”
Nino shakes his head, although he hesitates when he sees hurt registering in Aiba’s eyes. He wonders what Aiba’s really trying to say, and he opens his mouth to ask, before deciding not to.
It’s better not to know, he thinks.
8.
“So,” Aiba starts. Nino listens attentively, even if it looks like his attention is focused on the manga in his hands. It’s hard not to be attentive of Aiba; the couch they’re sitting on is relatively large, but Aiba insists on squeezing right next to Nino, who had deliberately chosen to sit at the very end of it. “I introduced Jun my friend the other day, and I think that they’re really hitting it off.”
Nino looks up from the manga, letting the pages close, losing his place in it. It isn’t as if anything he had registered anything he’d read, anyway. “Are you sure it’s a good idea?” he asks. It’s a good question, because Jun doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships.
“It’ll be fine,” Aiba says breezily. “Oh-chan is perfect for him. He’ll totally fix Jun.”
This gets on Nino’s nerves, although he doesn’t know why. “First of all,” he says, his voice tight, “Jun isn’t broken. He doesn’t need to be fixed. Second, even if he is broken, which he isn’t, it’s not your job to fix him, and anyway no one can fix another person. That’s something people have to do for themselves. And third -” he pauses, because Aiba’s eyes are wide and surprised by his outburst and Aiba’s still too close, “third…” and he’s forgetting what he wants to say, because he remembers that this is Aiba and what Aiba’s doing is really quite sweet and he doesn’t know why Aiba must worry about Jun so much - “damn it, Aiba. Why do you always have to sit so goddamned close to me?”
Aiba draws back, startled. “Oh, sorry. I guess being with Kazu-chan’s kind of comfortable, and I forget…”
“Fuck,” Nino mutters, but he isn’t really talking to Aiba anymore. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him - he teases Aiba a lot, sure, but he’s never mean. At least, he tries not to be. “Never mind. I probably should go home.”
Aiba doesn’t say anything as he takes his things and prepares to leave. When he’s about to step out, though, Aiba asks quietly, “is it because you like girls? It makes you uncomfortable if I’m too close?”
“It’s not that,” Nino says, but his reply comes too quick to be believable, as he turns and almost runs out, and away.
It really isn’t that, he thinks. It’s a lot of things, like him maybe perhaps liking Aiba too much and still not wanting to, like Aiba saying that Nino’s comfortable and that he forgets, like Nino wishing that the space between them isn’t something Aiba would ever forget, that it would be something that he’d always feel, the way Nino does.
9.
“Let’s play ‘what-if’,” Aiba announces the moment Nino steps into the store. Nino looks around, to see if Aiba’s talking to anyone else. “I’m talking to you, Kazu-chan.”
Nino doesn’t reply, stopping in front of the counter across Aiba. He decides to play along.
“What if I’m not really the person you think I am?” he asks. “What if I’m not that smart, or that funny, or anything?”
“Not possible,” Aiba replies, upon consideration. “Although it might be nice if you’re not that mean.” Nino’s hand reaches over the counter to hit him lightly, and he continues, without a change in his expression, “That’s exactly what I mean.”
“Fine. What if you’re wrong?”
“Kazu-chan,” Aiba’s definitely bordering on impatient now. “That’s not how the game goes. And, anyway, it’s my turn.”
“I’m just here for a quick visit,” Nino says. “I’m really heading over to Takitani’s to eat.”
“What if I asked you to be completely yourself, and tell me something true?”
“But to be myself is to be secretive,” Nino replies in the same deadpan way Aiba had earlier. He feels a little shaken, though, because he thought that Aiba would never notice how much he holds back when they’re together. “So to tell you something true would be going against character.”
“I meant -”
“My turn.” Nino speaks over Aiba’s words, and Aiba quietens. “What if you and Jun weren’t yet together, and both he and I asked you out. Who would you choose?”
“I…” Aiba’s taken aback by the question, and from the cautious surprise in his eyes - it looks almost fragile, Nino thinks - Nino figures that Aiba has never even considered him as anything other than a friend. He holds out a hand, indicating that he isn’t expecting a reply.
He forces a grin. “I win,” he says, although of course he doesn’t feel like he’s won at all.
Aiba’s face changes, and Nino watches as his friend’s eyes narrow. “You were just trying to trip me up, weren’t you?”
“I told you, you shouldn’t play ‘what-if’ with me,” Nino says casually, before waving goodbye and leaving the store.
10.
Nino complains to Jun that he’s been different since he started dating Aiba’s friend, but the truth is, he’s a little pleased. Jun seems more relaxed now, like whatever it is that makes him always tense and ready to fight back has gone away. Nino knows it isn’t gone, of course. Nino knows that maybe it isn’t even the new guy. Maybe Jun had just got better medication that he hasn’t told Nino about.
Jun’s on the same shift as Sho - Nino always finds it amusing when the two are paired together, because Nino has gotten comfortable with Sho, but Jun still keeps his distance and calls the store manager by his last name. It makes Nino wonder why Aiba hadn’t just tried to get those two together.
“Sho-chan has a girlfriend,” Aiba had reminded him. “Plus, those two together? Too much drama.” And that was that.
Nino was still unsatisfied with not knowing the new guy in Jun’s life, though. This in itself isn’t strange - Jun never bothers to introduce his boyfriends or lovers or whatever he calls them, to Nino. But this guy has lasted longer than the others, and if Jun isn’t on new medication then it’s this guy who makes Jun smile just so when he’s staring at nothing, deep in thought, and as Jun’s best-friend-slash-almost-brother he thinks he has a right to know. He tells Aiba this, and Aiba promises to get the Ohno guy to join in their next gaming session.
At the moment, though, Jun is telling Nino not to bother him at work - he doesn’t want to chat with Sho around - so Nino decides to bother Sho instead.
“Sho-chan?” he asks.
Sho seems amused that he’s calling him the way Aiba does. “What is it?”
“Do you know the guy Jun’s seeing? The Ohno guy?”
“Satoshi, you mean.” Sho nods. “He’s a nice guy. Not someone you should worry about.”
“I’m not worried,” Nino says. “At all.”
“Good.” Sho put down the boxes he had in his arms on the counter, pushed them to the side, then leaned over the counter to give Nino a fixed look. “Since you’re not worried, now let’s talk about Aiba.”
Nino takes a small involuntary step back. “What about Aiba?” he asks warily.
“I’ve seen the way you look at him,” Sho replies. There’s no room for jokes or excuses in his tone. “Aiba’s the kind of person who trusts too easily, and no offence, but you seem like the kind of guy who keeps too many things to himself. Not too trust-worthy.”
“As true as your words are, I resent that,” Nino says.
Sho shrugs. “So if you as much as lie to him, or hurt him -” he pauses when Nino holds out a hand.
“It’s not like that,” he tells Sho. “Really. I mean, you’re not wrong. But nothing’s going to happen. We’re just friends. Best friends,” he qualifies when Sho still looks at him suspiciously.
“I’m his best friend,” Sho retorts, but it sounds weak. Nino grins at the store owner but doesn’t reply. Out of the corner of the eye, he sees Jun almost (but not quiet) scowling in their direction; he knows that Jun can’t hear them from where he is but he also knows that it’s time to leave. So he gives them both a salute, and saunters out of the store with confidence that he doesn’t feel.
11.
This is one of the secrets that Nino would kill to keep - he knows every stray cat in the neighbourhood.
After dinner, Nino had went to Takitani’s. He supposes that there’s really no point in going there when he’s already eaten, but he likes the atmosphere there. Like Aibaland, it makes him feel enveloped by a kind of warmth that he could only describe as going home. He orders himself a drink, spends a few hours chatting with the owner and the other regulars.
When he finally leaves, he’s more than a little buzzed - he had never been a strong drinker - and takes his time walking to the small neighbourhood park sandwiched between two taller buildings. It’s probably the saddest park in the city, he thinks, with only a pair of benches and one large tree. In fact, it’s probably more of a clearing than a park, despite the fact that everyone who lives there calls it “the park.”
It’s one of his favourite places.
He sits at one of the benches, the one under the tree, and it doesn’t take long for a cat to come out. It sniffs suspiciously at the air, pretending to hesitate before nearing Nino. Around the corner, Nino sees another cat padding over the grass towards him.
In a few minutes, there are five cats and Nino’s pulling out the plastic food container from his bag, where he keeps his leftovers.
“Ka-zu-chan!”
Nino almost drops the food, but steadies his hand in time. “Aiba,” he says, although his mind isn’t really working. He’s completely on autopilot; he feels like he’s watching from afar, bemused by the loud panicked alarms in his brains that someone had caught him at something. “Don’t come near, you’ll scare the - ” he stopped, because Aiba was already standing before him, and the cats paid the other man no heed at all. They were still waiting for the food, which they attacked the moment Nino put it on the ground, dividing it between them.
“Don’t worry, cats never run from me,” Aiba replies, shrugging. “It’s been that way forever. Weird, huh?”
“Weird.” Nino still isn’t thinking right, because otherwise he would be demanding what Aiba was doing there.
“But they seem to like you, too.” Aiba smiles as one of the cats puts a paw on Nino’s food, as if asking for attention. Nino bends and pats her had absently.
“Eh. I happened to have some leftovers and gave it to one of the cats once, and then they all started coming every time I come here. All my peace and quiet, gone. But they seem to worship me or something - maybe they even think I’m some kind of deity or something, you know, The Bringer of the Heavenly Food. The Heavenly Bringer of Food? The… anyway. Who am I to disappoint them?”
Aiba laughs. Nino likes it when Aiba laughs, although it also puzzles him sometimes, because he doesn’t think that he’s being particularly funny. Aiba moves to sit next to him.
“Do you want to know a secret?” Aiba asks him.
“No.”
“I think that you’re really a nice guy, deep down. Really deep down. But you just don’t want anyone to know it.”
“Great,” Nino says flatly. “Now you know my darkest secret. I’ll have to kill you before you blabber it to the world and they try to saint me.”
Aiba laughs again, which makes Nino smile. Just a little, and he turns slightly so that Aiba can’t see.
“You’re just like Jun,” Aiba continues, and Nino’s smile disappears.
If he’s just like Jun, then what makes Aiba choose Jun and not him?
"I'm not like him at all," he says flatly. "Because if I was dating you, I would never want anyone else."
Aiba turns away, but not before Nino sees the laughter in his eyes fade. "Easy for you to say, for someone who never dates," Aiba says.
"Ah," Nino replies. "You're right."
12.
He’s supposed to be checking out the new izakaya with Jun, but Jun had ditched him at the last minute to be with his new boyfriend, again. Nino doesn’t really mind, because at least he’s met Ohno - Aiba had been true to his word, and got Ohno to join them in their gaming sessions - and is surprised to find that he actually likes the guy. He’s irritated, though, because he thinks that Jun is going to hurt Ohno one of these days - or worse, hurt himself. Because as much as Nino could see that Jun is changing, becoming softer… almost happier, even, Nino also knows something else - nothing lasts, and the secret to avoiding heartbreak is to try not to care too much. It’s something that Jun knows, or had once known, but is probably forgetting.
Nino doesn’t say anything, because he understands.
Sometimes he forgets, too.
13.
“Aren’t you supposed to be out with Jun tonight?” Nino asks, but he lets Aiba in. He fidgets; he’s still uncomfortable with having Aiba over. He finds it strange that Aiba’s practically a millionaire and he’s struggling with a meaningless nine-to-five job, and yet his apartment still has so much more stuff than Aiba’s. He waits for Aiba’s eyes to start roaming over his DVD and game collections, looking for something for them to do that night, but instead Aiba just gives him a shrug in reply.
“Not really. Jun’s busy tonight.”
“But he said he had a date -” he shuts up, then. Of course. He studies Aiba’s expression, but it’s hard to tell if Aiba’s just upset, or really upset. “Um.”
Aiba just shrugs, again. “I told him it’s okay; he’s just taking my word for it.”
A part of him wants to say, he doesn’t want to know. Another part of him wants to hunt Jun down and yell at his best friend for not seeing that Aiba’s more than enough.
Unfortunately, that’s also the part of him that he wishes he could cut away sometimes - the part that is starting to care too much.
He’s realising that he still hasn’t said anything, and is about to, but Aiba’s already moving towards the DVD shelves that covers the entire side of one of the living room walls. “So, what are we doing tonight?”
They shoot down spaceships until it’s almost dawn; at least, that’s how it feels like to Nino. In reality, they play for an hour or two before he starts to fall asleep. He doesn’t know if he’s the one who leans against Aiba, or Aiba pulls him over so that he doesn’t fall, or if they had both fallen asleep around the same time, but when he wakes they’re sort of tangled and it’s definitely strange, because he’s more uncomfortable and yet more rested than he’s ever been in his life. He untangles himself as his mind slowly pushes away the fog of sleep, together with the hazy dream that he had awoken from.
Sometimes, the dream Aiba had said, I think I’d rather hang out with Kazu-chan than anyone else, anyway.
It’s too bad it’s just a dream, Nino thinks, but he tucks away the words anyway, hiding them deep inside himself for safekeeping, knowing that he’ll probably take it out to replay every now and then.
14.
Nino wishes that he had warned Jun about Ohno when he had the chance, because Jun seems on edge of late. Now when Jun stares off into the distance, his look seems more wistful than content. Nino had known, had told himself, that it’s going to happen sooner or later, but somehow it’s bothering him more than it should, and he doesn’t understand why.
Then he realises - he wants Jun and Ohno to be okay. He wants them to prove him wrong, because if he’s wrong, then maybe everything isn’t so hopeless after all.
Knowing why Jun’s upset only makes him feel worse, but he tries his best to hide it when he goes to Aibaland. It’s a rare night, when Aiba’s the only one working, and no one else to help out.
Nino helps out with a couple of the regular customers who wanted replacements for lost parts from their games, and he politely sends away an annoying man who insists on buying some video game from two years ago when Aiba had repeatedly told him that they only sold board games. When the man started to accuse Aiba of hiding the game at the back of the store and being too lazy to check whether or not it’s there, Nino decides to intervene.
He waves cheerfully when the man finally leaves the store; he’s gnashing his teeth because being forced to smile so hard hurts. But he does it, because Aiba hates it when customers are upset. Even if the “customers” don’t really buy anything anyway.
As his hands lower, he looks at Aiba. Aiba’s always thanking him unnecessarily when he helps. It’s as if he had done something amazing, instead of just answering questions or talking to someone. But this time Aiba doesn’t thank him. Instead, Aiba asks, “what if we’ve never met, and you just walked into this store just now? Would you have helped me out?”
“Probably not,” Nino muses. “I would still think he’s an idiot, though, and I might even have told him so.”
Aiba grins. “That would have been interesting to see.”
They’re standing right in front of each other. Nino looks up at Aiba and thinks about Jun, and Ohno, and wanting to be wrong. “What if love isn’t real?” he asks. “What if it’s just a fleeting thing, an empty void that begs to be filled, and disguises itself as something else in order to fill it with another person? Until, of course, you see the truth and that it isn’t love, that love isn’t real after all.”
“Your ‘what-if’ is too long,” Aiba complains, but he thinks about it. It’s another thing Nino likes about Aiba. Even if he’s idealistic and optimistic to a point of stupidity, he still considers Nino’s words without dismissing them outright. Usually. “Hmm… I don’t know. I guess… I’d love anyway? Maybe it’s not real, but throughout the whole time you believe in it, it’s real for you, right?”
“But when you realise the truth, you’ll just feel worse in the end.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. I won’t know until it happens, will I?”
“No, that’s not -”
“My turn,” Aiba interrupts, shushing Nino. “What if I say, for the next five minutes, you have to be completely yourself? Forget consequences or fears or whatever it is that’s holding you back, or keeping you from saying or doing something. What would you do? Where would you go? What would you say?”
Their eyes are on each other, and Nino finds that he can not lie this time. So he tells the truth. “I’d kiss you.”
Aiba blinks, slowly, looking like he’s startled but is trying hard not to show it. And - something else, but Nino can’t tell, because Aiba’s suddenly even closer, and they’re getting too close for comfort, and Nino wants to tell Aiba to back away, when Aiba says, “Do it, then.”
15.
Aiba starts coming over to Nino’s a lot. At first it’s just during the nights when he isn’t working and both Jun and Sho are busy, but as time passes Aiba chooses to watch movies or play games with Nino instead of going out with the other two. Between Nino visiting Aibaland the nights Aiba’s working, and them meeting up for lunch, Nino sees Aiba more than anyone else in any given week.
It’s probably not a good thing when one is trying not to be too attached to someone, but he can’t help it. He likes having Aiba around, so he doesn’t say anything, even when Sho starts to look at him strangely when he walks into the store.
16.
Kissing Aiba is like a jolt - he feels a bit like a kitten that someone poured icy cold water over, shocked and unhappy and electrified, or perhaps petrified. It’s all so wrong, and what makes things worse is Jun coming into the store at exactly the wrong moment.
Jun leaves immediately, excusing himself, and Nino can’t help it - he lets out a loud, hysterical laugh. Aiba watches him with wide eyes. When his laughter subsides, he doesn’t look at Aiba, and runs out after Jun instead.
He catches up with Jun a few steps away from the train station, and calls out for Jun to stop.
“About me and Aiba,” he says, beginning to explain, even though he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to explain. That he’s been in love with Aiba for a long time, even when Aiba had been dating Jun? That he had been trying not to be, even after Aiba and Jun had broken up? That he’s still trying not to be?
Jun and Aiba may no longer be a couple, but they’re still very good friends. Jun would never forgive him if he hurt Aiba. He’d never forgive himself, assuming there’s any of him left after Sho’s done tearing him into pieces.
“It’s none of my business,” Jun tells him, and Nino’s relieved, even if he doesn’t show it. He straightens up and looks at Jun instead, now that he feels calmer about things.
“About Ohno, then.” He still wants to know what’s wrong, if it could be fixed. There’s still a part of him that wants Jun and Ohno to work, to prove that sometimes, people work.
“And that’s none of your business,” Jun retorts. Nino nods. It’s true, anyway. But he persists.
“Do you realise that besides Aiba, Ohno is the only one of your guys that I’ve met? I think that means something, don’t you?”
Jun doesn’t have an answer to that, but it doesn’t matter. Nino isn’t sure if he’s prepared to hear it anyway.
17.
He never drops by the fancy pet place where Aiba works, but Nino supposes that there’s a first time for everything. Aiba is always coming to his workplace, anyway, that he thinks it’s about time that he pays Aiba a visit.
The first person that greets him when he arrives is a tall woman - she’s probably almost as tall as Aiba. Nino’s struck by two things - one, that she’s clearly very pretty, and two, she looks like she had never smiled in her whole life. He almost asks her about that when he notices that she’s looking at him strangely, and he realises that he’s at a pet groomer’s without a pet. He tells her that he’s looking for Aiba.
She tells him that Aiba’s playing with some of the new puppies in the back of the store. When he asks if it’s okay for him to go in, she doesn’t reply. He stands there for just a few seconds before deciding to go ahead. She hadn’t exactly said no, after all.
He hears Aiba’s voice as he nears the door that has the “Staff Only” sign plastered over it. It’s not completely closed, and his hand is already on the handle when he hears another familiar voice.
Sho.
“Look,” he hears Sho say, “I’m not trying to tell you how to live…”
“That’s exactly what you’re trying to do.”
It’s interesting, or it would be if he didn’t feel so involved in the whole thing, that Sho’s speaking in a tense, worried tone, while Aiba sounded dry and perhaps even mildly amused.
“Masaki.” Somehow it seems like Sho says Aiba’s name a lot, in the same exasperated voice.
“I like Jun.” The way Aiba says it, it sounds so simple, something so easy to decide on. “He’s nice, even if… you know. And it is possible to like more than one person at a time. I’m not - I’m not making excuses. I know you think that I am, but I’m not.”
So that’s it, Nino thinks. Sho’s worried that Aiba might get hurt, being with Jun. It isn’t an entirely baseless worry, he knows, but he also knows that Aiba’s right on one account. Jun likes Aiba, too. Jun’s romances may be short-lived and they may all seem studiously casual, but Nino has no doubt that Jun genuinely cares about everyone he chooses to spend time with.
Jun chooses to care for everyone, dividing his affections into smaller portions so that he never completely attaches himself to a single person. Nino chooses not to care at all.
Aiba’s saying soppy stuff about how sweet it is that Sho’s still trying to look out for him; Nino doesn’t listen. He decides that he’s had enough of listening.
He leaves.
18.
Nino hasn’t been to Aibaland for three days. He’d be with Jun, except that it seems like Jun’s missing, too. He knows that Jun has been to work - Toma has told him that much, at least - but Jun definitely haven’t been home, or answering his calls. He didn’t even know if it’s Ohno that’s bothering Jun, or the fact that Jun had seen him with Aiba. Either way, he had lost both of his best friends in one night.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
He works late, and spends most of his evenings at Takitani’s. Meeting new people, making new friends. Like most of the people there, they’re always around at first, but then life gets better and they stop coming. Nino likes it that way, because it reminds him of how fleeting everything is.
On the fourth day, Aiba comes looking for him at the office.
He’s the only one who hasn’t left for lunch, which he supposes is a small blessing, but it doesn’t make him feel any less trapped, seeing Aiba looking down at him from the entrance of his cubicle.
“How did you get them to let you in?” he asked, letting irritation colour his tone. Usually when visitors came, the receptionist would call in ahead to check if they’re wanted before letting them through.
Aiba shrugs, not seeming to take offense with Nino’s words. “Told them I’m visiting Sho-chan.”
Nino’s eyes narrow. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
“It does, too.” Aiba looks like he’s starting to understand something, and grins. “Don’t tell me you don’t know about him.”
“What?”
“Kazu-chan… do you know the name of the guy who runs this company that you work in?”
Nino raises an eyebrow at the way Aiba phrased things. “Of course I do. It’s Sakurai… father? It’s Sho’s father?”
“Yup.” Aiba seems amused by the whole thing, but he’s the only one. Nino feels a creeping coldness coming over him; apparently Sho could do more than just tear him into pieces if anything happened with Aiba.
“What - why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“I thought you knew.” Then, while Nino’s brain is still stuck on processing the idea that the guy who runs Aibaland with Aiba is also one of his bosses, Aiba changes the subject. “Kazu-chan, do you hate me?”
This startles him; Aiba had spoken to him as if nothing had been wrong at all, and he had almost forgotten that he’s avoiding the other man. He had expected Aiba to be angry, or upset, but the quiet way Aiba had asked the question indicates something else, that he can’t quite put his finger on.
He shakes his head, once. “No one could ever hate you.” Surely Aiba must know that, he thinks.
“But you’ve been avoiding me.”
“It’s not you. I just need… space, I guess.”
“Because we kissed?”
Aiba’s voice rises an octave when he asks the question, and he takes a step forward. Nino doesn’t know if it’s that, or the question itself, that makes him jerk slightly, and step back. “Because it was a bad idea.”
Aiba’s brows furrow, then. “Really? I thought it was a good one.”
His breathing is getting shallow, and Aiba’s coming even closer, and his brain must have shut off temporarily because he says, “Maybe I’m just remembering it wrong.”
He doesn’t even know if it’s Aiba who leans into him or if it’s him who pulls Aiba closer, but it doesn’t really matter.
19.
Nino thinks about the conversation he wasn’t meant to hear, and he thinks about Aiba and Sho. They’re not really like him and Jun, he thinks. But that’s to be expected - no one are like him and Jun. He doesn’t even know if the term “best friend” is enough to describe what he has with Jun. Which is why he shouldn’t be thinking about Aiba the way he is, he reminds himself. But it’s difficult. Even then, he’s already thinking about his own relationship with Aiba - he could genuinely say that he likes Aiba (even as just a friend) more than anyone else, even if they don’t have the history that he has with Jun, or Aiba does with Sho.
When he meets with Jun later that day, he asks Jun about the other two, but Jun just shrugs. “They’re close,” is all Jun says. “Really close.”
Even Nino could tell that much, but before he could say that he realises that Jun looks more tired than usual. “Hey,” he says, as casually as he could. “Are things okay with you? Now that you’re working at Aibaland, we don’t really see each other all that often.”
“Aiba works there, too, and he has a real day job, and yet you still see him more often than you see me,” Jun replies. There is no heat in his words; he’s just avoiding the subject.
“Jun,” Nino says, letting his impatience show. “What is it.”
Jun sighs. “Nothing much.” He looks out the window, and it seems like forever before he turns back to Nino. “Aiba saw my scars the other day.”
Nino’s surprised. He would have thought that Aiba had seen them before, or that it wouldn’t be a big deal. But Jun seems troubled by the fact. “Is that a problem?”
“No. It’s just that I think it freaked him out, a bit.”
“Give him time,” Nino says. “He’ll get over it. Aiba’s not the kind of person who’ll hold something like that against you.”
Jun gives him a small smile, and it dawns on him that he’s talking like he knows Aiba better than Jun - who isn’t only dating Aiba, but has known the guy longer. And the strangest thing is, he probably does know Aiba better.
20.
The second time they kiss is different from the first in several ways. No one walks in on them this time, for one. And he isn’t thinking of Jun, or of any of the reasons why he shouldn’t be kissing Aiba. Most importantly, this time it doesn’t feel wrong at all.
This scares him more than when he first realised his feelings for Aiba.
When they finally draw apart, Aiba has a smile on his face that makes something in Nino’s stomach flip, and he wants to kiss Aiba again, but he makes himself hold back. He tries to be as still as he is able to, and makes sure that nothing shows on his face.
“Kazu-chan?” Aiba asks, hesitant. Something is beginning to cloud Aiba’s then-bright eyes, and Nino hates himself for that, but he doesn’t let himself soften.
“I told you,” he says, in as neutral a voice as he could manage. “This is a bad idea.”
“But - why?”
“Because of your past with Jun. Because we’re friends. Because I don’t date; surely you remember that.”
“You’re not celibate, either,” Aiba counters.
“You’re right - I’m not. But you don’t want that kind of relationship, do you? Especially after Jun.”
“But, Kazu-chan, what if -”
“No ‘what-ifs’. You deserve more, Aiba.”
Aiba’s eyes narrow, then, and his expression is hard to decipher. “You really mean that.”
“I do.”
It takes a long time before either of them says anything else. In the end, Aiba relents, though, nodding. “Okay,” he says. “But we’re still friends?”
Nino hates the uncertainty in Aiba’s tone, and he hates the relief that he swallows with the bitterness in his throat. “Of course.”
“You’re coming to our game night tomorrow? It won’t be the same without you.”
“I will.” He pauses. “Is Jun coming?”
Aiba frowns. “I don’t think so. He says he wants to be by himself for awhile. Oh-chan is coming, though.”
Nino nods, and they continue the conversation as if nothing had happened. But they stand farther apart than they normally would have, and every now and then one of them would get a look in their eye as they gaze at the other, talking.
Neither says anything else about what they’re really thinking about.
21.
Sho is too protective of Aiba, Nino realises, watching Sho scoot closer to Aiba so very subtly. It isn’t like Jun is going to do anything to Aiba at that very moment, but this doesn’t seem to matter to Sho - as far as Sho’s concerned, Jun’s going to hurt Aiba sooner or later, and he’s going to be there for Aiba when it happens.
Aiba obviously finds it irritating, occasionally shooting annoyed looks at Sho as he tries to get more space for himself. He doesn’t tell Sho off, though, and when Sho says something funny Aiba still laughs loudly, scattering Nino’s thoughts as his pulse skitters through him. Aiba loves Sho, the way one could only love someone who’s been looking after them for more than a decade. It makes Nino envious sometimes, the acidic feeling running parallel with the simple rush of being near Aiba.
Jun looks slightly uncomfortable as Aiba hovers over him instead, asking him if he needs another drink. Aiba’s been mothering Jun a lot of late, but Nino doesn’t blame him. He had felt like that, too, when he had first discovered Jun’s cutting problem. But that was a long time ago, and Jun’s better now. He just has to keep reminding himself of that.
Nino drags his eyes away from them, then, and accidentally met Sho’s.
They look at each other; there’s still that suspicious look in Sho’s eyes that makes him think that Sho knows. He ignores it, and swallows the lump in his throat before telling Toma to hurry up and make his move so that the others could have their turn.
22.
Jun picks up the phone. Nino’s been calling every few hours for the last few days, and Jun finally picks up.
Nino doesn’t what to say at first; Jun had been avoiding him - and everyone else, from what he’s heard - for almost a week, so he doesn’t expect Jun to answer. He’s sick with worry and he doesn’t know if he feels like crying in relief or yelling in anger.
“I’m sorry,” he blurts out. It’s the first thing he could think of. “I’ve talked with Aiba, and we’ve agreed that seeing each other would be bad, and -”
“Why would it be bad?” Jun asks. He sounds genuinely confused, which surprises Nino again.
“Because,” he starts, but stops. Jun knows the arguments, he thinks. Jun should know them.
“I don’t mind, if that’s what’s bothering you.”
“It’s not like that. I mean, it is, kind of. But. It’s not just that. It’s… I can’t be with him,” Nino tells Jun. He wishes that he could see Jun now, instead of talking on the phone. “It would mean too much.”
Jun is quiet for a moment; Nino knows that Jun’s there, though, and that he understands. “Do you want to know something?” Jun asks. His voice is softer, more hesitant than Nino had ever heard.
“What?”
“I haven’t really been with anyone else, since Satoshi.”
“That’s not true - Aiba told me you went out with some other guy, and you left with that cute guy the last time we were out…”
“Yes,” Jun says, not denying it. “I did. But nothing really happened, with either of them. I cut my date short, and as for the other guy… he never even made it through my front door. Satoshi was there, and I realised - I’d rather be with him, than any of the others.”
Nino’s quiet, thinking about what Jun is telling him. He understands how Jun must have felt; if it’s anything like the panic he feels about being too attached to Aiba, then it’s no wonder that Jun needed to disappear. “You’ve really fallen for that guy.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” Jun says, and even though Nino couldn’t see him Nino knows that he must be bristling, and annoyed.
“Jun,” he replies, “that’s exactly what you’re saying.”
He hangs up before Jun could deny it any further, but he’s relieved. Jun’s going to be okay after all, he thinks. And most importantly, what Jun had with Ohno was real - enough that Jun’s changing. Enough that Jun’s scared. Enough that Nino could see that Jun’s stupid if he doesn’t take a chance with Ohno, which tells him one thing.
Some secrets are for sharing.
23.
One of the things Nino will never tell anyone is this: he feels responsible for Jun’s scars. Jun’s mother had never been the best of role models, living her life chasing one man after another, and falling into deep depression when they abandoned her, which they all eventually did. When Jun’s mother passed away, he went to live with Nino, but his own home life isn’t that much better. While Nino tells himself he doesn’t need anyone, Jun lives in constant fear - or perhaps it’s really expectation - of abandonment. Nino hadn’t realised it when Jun started to latch on to him, wanting to do everything with him. Then Nino started to get involved with things at school, and breaking promises he’d made with Jun. None of it seemed like a big deal to him - they could always watch the movie another time, and go out for dinner another time, or whatever it was that they planned to do together. They saw each other all the time at home, anyway. But every “next time” was a rejection to Jun, who had never really gotten over his mother’s death (her final abandonment), and was falling into depression himself.
By the time Nino found out, it was almost too late. Jun did get better, though, and Nino had been there with him the whole time, but it didn’t erase the fact that he hadn’t paid enough attention before.
That’s why he would always look out for Jun now, even if it irritates his best friend. That’s why even he would never tell Jun how he felt about Aiba, even though he knew that Jun would step aside, for him.
24.
The first person Nino looks for is Ohno. It isn’t too hard, as Ohno still comes to their game nights even when Jun doesn’t. He could tell that Ohno’s hoping for Jun to show, from the determinedly neutral expression fixed on the other’s face when Aiba says Jun’s not coming. Nino doesn’t say much throughout the night, other than cracking lame jokes that only Aiba finds funny, but when Ohno’s leaving Nino catches up with him, and says that they needed to talk.
Nino tells Ohno about Jun - about his mother, about his depression, about the medication he’s still on. Nino explains that Ohno has to be patient with him, that whatever he does he should never give up, but stops when Ohno just smiles.
“What?” he asks.
“Nothing,” Ohno says. “Thank you for telling me,” he continues gently, “but I think I’ll let Jun tell me the rest.” Nino gives Ohno a sceptical look; Jun never opens up to anyone other than him. Ohno interprets his look correctly, and says, “It’ll take time, but he’ll come around.”
And that’s how Nino knows that Aiba had been right - Ohno would be more than capable of handling Jun.
He doesn’t head home after leaving Ohno. Instead, he walks slowly back to Aiba’s, hoping that Sho and Toma would have left by then. When he arrives, Toma has gone, but Sho is just leaving, and stops when he sees Nino. He fixes Nino with a hard look. “It’s late,” he says.
“I just need to talk to him.”
“You can talk later.”
“Sho-chan, who’re you talking to?” Aiba asks in the background. Sho’s about to answer when Aiba comes over. He looks bewildered to see Nino there. “Kazu? Did you leave something behind?”
“I want to talk-” Nino starts, but he’s interrupted by Sho.
“He’s coming back tomorrow.”
The two of them look at each other, neither wanting to give in. But Aiba pushes Sho, who’s still standing at the door frame, out of the house. “You have an early meeting tomorrow, right, Sho-chan? Go back, I’ll handle this.”
“But -”
“You promised that you’d stay out of this.”
“That was when you said you’d choose Jun.”
“Sho.”
Nino doesn’t really understand the exchange between the two, but after looking at each other for awhile, Sho nods and turns away. He doesn’t look at Nino, but Nino doesn’t mind. He could fix things with Sho later - at the moment, Aiba matters more. “What was that about?” he asks, as Aiba lets him in the house. Aiba replies with a question of his own.
“Why are you here?”
“I asked you first.” Aiba gives him a look that makes him quail inside. “Okay. Fine. I wanted to talk to you.”
“I gathered that much,” Aiba says dryly. “What about?”
He had thought that it would be easier, telling Aiba how he feels. But somehow now that he’s there, and Aiba’s right in front of him, he doesn’t know what to say. Maybe it has something to do with how indifferent Aiba seems. He thinks about giving up, but forces himself to look at Aiba in the eyes, and to speak. “Maybe I was wrong.”
Too vague. The good thing is, Aiba seems to know exactly what he’s talking about. The bad thing is, Aiba’s reaction is far from the one he’s hoping for - Aiba’s expression darkens, and he looks away from Nino. “I thought we decided that we make better friends.”
“What if I was lying? What if I was just scared to admit to the truth?”
“Then maybe you’ve lost that chance.”
“Aiba.” Nino doesn’t get it. He understands someone being impatient, or even mad, with the kind of hot-and-cold behaviour he’d been indulging in when it comes to Aiba. But if Aiba had been okay with Jun, and if Aiba had been okay with the idea of being “just friends”, then why is he shutting down when Nino’s changing his mind? “I don’t understand.”
“What if -” Aiba pauses. “What if I’ve been in love with someone, but only realised it when I was already dating someone else?”
“Is that it? You’re dating someone else now?”
“What if the person I was dating is someone I really cared about, someone I didn’t want to let down?”
Nino understood, then. Aiba’s talking about Jun. Aiba had been as relieved as he was upset, when they’d broken up. He had told Nino that it was his fault, because he had wanted to care for Jun more than he wanted to be with Jun. But if what Aiba was saying is true, then... “What if -”
“I’m not done,” Aiba says, irritably. “What if that person keeps giving me mixed signals, making me think they might like me too, and then saying that we’re just friends, just to repeat the whole thing a few days later? What if I don’t want to deal with that anymore?”
Nino feels his throat dry, as something akin to panic wells up. “Then that person’s an idiot!” he says, letting his words out in one breath. Aiba’s eyes widen in surprise. “What if that person’s a coward and an idiot who takes too long to figure out what he wants?”
“Kazu...”
“What if he’s been telling himself that he doesn’t need anyone for so long that it takes awhile for him to realise that there’s someone that he needs after all?”
“Kazu-chan-”
“What if he decides that being just friends is a stupid idea after all, and if he can’t have all of you, he’d rather not have you at all?”
“Kazu, listen to me.”
Nino pauses, but it’s only because he’s out of breath, and he’s starting to realise that he’s ranting and that he probably sounds stupid.
“What if you change your mind again?” Aiba asks.
“I won’t.”
“Yeah, but what if...?”
“No more ‘what ifs’. I’m tired of ‘what ifs’, Aiba. There are too many of them, and I’ve spent my whole life being scared of them. What if I let myself fall for you, and then you leave?”
Everything feels suspended, hanging in the air as he finally reveals one of the secrets he thought he never would. But even so, he’s lying, and he’s pretty sure that Aiba knows it. He had already fallen, and so the only thing he has left to cling to is trust.
“I’m not going to - oh. I see what you mean.” Aiba sighs, and Nino thinks that it’s hopeless, but then Aiba takes his hand, tentative. “This is hard, isn’t it?”
Not holding back, trusting each other completely not to break the other’s heart. It’s hard. “I’m willing to try, if you are.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay,” Aiba confirms. They look at each other, letting the seconds become minutes. Aiba smiles. Nino smiles. Then they both laugh, mostly in relief.
“Is this how our story ends, then?” he asks, mostly joking, but with a tinge of seriousness that Aiba detects, and responds to.
“No,” Aiba answers, a hint of a smile still on his lips, in his words. “This is how it begins.”
~the end~
Marineko's Notes:
I know that I said I won't post any non-charity fics before I finish my requests, but my deadline to post this is looming and I can't ignore it any longer D: (I am halfway done with my next charity fic, though.)
Anyway, this is my first Aimiya fic I think. Hope it's okay! ^^