More 4AM ramblings
Maybe i'll feel better if I talk about something painful i used to go through.
(Note: Much of this is 4AM rambling because im awake and hurting and lil depressed. I mean not alarm anyone. Just trying to get some stuff out and let writing be theripudic for me again)
Drug addiction. Fucking hell of a thing. Worse part about it being? To be goddamn honest it wasnt the withdrawls when I didn't have any money for a while, wasnt quitting, lying or even wasn't how shitty it felt theiving, dealing or doing what I could to get a next hit. It was that that I was high as much as I could be and as often as I could be, was simply that no one noticed. Even if the question of being on drugs was presented to me, i would simply answer no and that would be good enough. Not because they thought I might be but were just getting gereral questions out of the way; are you sick? are you having a problem? etc.
Now I'm no actor. I'm not good at hiding stuff from people, at least apparenly not anymore. This means though I was a far better actor back then so that not my paretns, school teachers or hell 'friends' ever thought I might be drug addled. They just kind of assumed its how I was. I mean hell when I got clean I wasn't acting all that much diffrent, even when I wasnt acting all that diffrent. Course even when I wasnt using anymore I wouldnt feel 'clean.' Course that simply have been the guilt of knowing your actions got someone you knew killed.
No one knew, guessed or suspected. Even today letting people I used to know in those days of my state of mind at the time brings a suprise. Aparently I left a large enough impression that people could remeber how I used to act, which would immedietly follow with a sense of "oh...now that you mention it....yeah that makes sense now." I mean either I was just that good at hiding in plain sight or people just didn't want to belive that a child like me could be.... well that lil junike.
I mean that hurt sometimes. Still its the same old story of just wanting some attention becuase you felt alone and abandoned by even those who are supposed to be 'closest' to you. I mean when the closest people to you feel like strangers than the people who are suppsed to be your family, then something is wrong. I suppose you 'll call out to anyone, do anything just to get some form of attetion you crave, rather than center yourself and allow yourself to grow as an individual.I mean people need people but you can't really 'people' unless you are really a person right? But tell that to a scared lonely 12-13-14-15 year old boy who cannot grasp the concept.
It's too much to expect of someone that old for that sometimes. I suppose the ones truly advanced for their ages understand it without quite knowing they have done it. I mean it is quite nice to see a teen or kid irk out something of a peronality and sense as an individual, at least to the point that they are begining to find out who they are and not who they let themselves be amongst the crowd.
Some of us still arent there. Some five, ten or even twenty years later after that period. Too many of us for too long are unaware of who we are and let what we could be just slip away and choose to cling to those who know who they are and would tell us who to be because it serves them or benefits them to be the stronger. There are those of us who just stay lost and alone and try to make sense of why they cant seem to cope or move past that phase that we all eventually are supposed to 'grow out of.'
We need something. When we cant find it we turn to as much as we can to calm the voice and let us move forward even a little bit. We look for something to ease our frustration and pain because if we let it sit there without releasing it, so many of us would have killed ourselves long ago. We need our distractions which we let just eventually become us. We identify with what distracts us becuase we cant imagine letting go if it and returning to that previous state of want and longing (I have no Idea waht I'm saying here).
I miss people sometimes. I can hate them so much sometimes and there are those I wish I had more access to. Course when I do I tend to fuck it up. Royaly. Record breaking. Sometimes I just cause nothing but chaos in peoples lives. Not intentionaly, just becuase I'm a little fucked up and I have my issues which I end up trying to push on other people because I want them off me for once. It's a terrible habbit/cycle/behavior I wish I knew how to stop better. I dont and sometimes after so many tries I end up making myself alone.
One person comes to mind in this case. I miss 'em every day. I just cant stop myself before I even start. Im just feelling a little hard on myself and hate feeling like this. Writing this made me feel a little better. I need to sleep.
(Note: Much of this is 4AM rambling because im awake and hurting and lil depressed. I mean not alarm anyone. Just trying to get some stuff out and let writing be theripudic for me again)
Drug addiction. Fucking hell of a thing. Worse part about it being? To be goddamn honest it wasnt the withdrawls when I didn't have any money for a while, wasnt quitting, lying or even wasn't how shitty it felt theiving, dealing or doing what I could to get a next hit. It was that that I was high as much as I could be and as often as I could be, was simply that no one noticed. Even if the question of being on drugs was presented to me, i would simply answer no and that would be good enough. Not because they thought I might be but were just getting gereral questions out of the way; are you sick? are you having a problem? etc.
Now I'm no actor. I'm not good at hiding stuff from people, at least apparenly not anymore. This means though I was a far better actor back then so that not my paretns, school teachers or hell 'friends' ever thought I might be drug addled. They just kind of assumed its how I was. I mean hell when I got clean I wasn't acting all that much diffrent, even when I wasnt acting all that diffrent. Course even when I wasnt using anymore I wouldnt feel 'clean.' Course that simply have been the guilt of knowing your actions got someone you knew killed.
No one knew, guessed or suspected. Even today letting people I used to know in those days of my state of mind at the time brings a suprise. Aparently I left a large enough impression that people could remeber how I used to act, which would immedietly follow with a sense of "oh...now that you mention it....yeah that makes sense now." I mean either I was just that good at hiding in plain sight or people just didn't want to belive that a child like me could be.... well that lil junike.
I mean that hurt sometimes. Still its the same old story of just wanting some attention becuase you felt alone and abandoned by even those who are supposed to be 'closest' to you. I mean when the closest people to you feel like strangers than the people who are suppsed to be your family, then something is wrong. I suppose you 'll call out to anyone, do anything just to get some form of attetion you crave, rather than center yourself and allow yourself to grow as an individual.I mean people need people but you can't really 'people' unless you are really a person right? But tell that to a scared lonely 12-13-14-15 year old boy who cannot grasp the concept.
It's too much to expect of someone that old for that sometimes. I suppose the ones truly advanced for their ages understand it without quite knowing they have done it. I mean it is quite nice to see a teen or kid irk out something of a peronality and sense as an individual, at least to the point that they are begining to find out who they are and not who they let themselves be amongst the crowd.
Some of us still arent there. Some five, ten or even twenty years later after that period. Too many of us for too long are unaware of who we are and let what we could be just slip away and choose to cling to those who know who they are and would tell us who to be because it serves them or benefits them to be the stronger. There are those of us who just stay lost and alone and try to make sense of why they cant seem to cope or move past that phase that we all eventually are supposed to 'grow out of.'
We need something. When we cant find it we turn to as much as we can to calm the voice and let us move forward even a little bit. We look for something to ease our frustration and pain because if we let it sit there without releasing it, so many of us would have killed ourselves long ago. We need our distractions which we let just eventually become us. We identify with what distracts us becuase we cant imagine letting go if it and returning to that previous state of want and longing (I have no Idea waht I'm saying here).
I miss people sometimes. I can hate them so much sometimes and there are those I wish I had more access to. Course when I do I tend to fuck it up. Royaly. Record breaking. Sometimes I just cause nothing but chaos in peoples lives. Not intentionaly, just becuase I'm a little fucked up and I have my issues which I end up trying to push on other people because I want them off me for once. It's a terrible habbit/cycle/behavior I wish I knew how to stop better. I dont and sometimes after so many tries I end up making myself alone.
One person comes to mind in this case. I miss 'em every day. I just cant stop myself before I even start. Im just feelling a little hard on myself and hate feeling like this. Writing this made me feel a little better. I need to sleep.