[F07] I'LL FLY UNTIL MY WINGS BURN (2/2)
Prompt Code: F07
Title: I’ll Fly Until My Wings Burn
“Kyungsoo hyung, we’re still best friends, yeah?”
Jongin’s jaw moves, cherry bled lips stretching into a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Kyungsoo’s hand curls over the brass doorknob, his heart racing as he wills himself not to slam the door in Jongin’s face. On the floor of his neighbour’s welcome mat, only a foot away from Jongin’s heels, lies a bouquet of yellow daffodils. The scent wafts in the air, melting onto Kyungsoo’s skin like snowflakes. He should feel happy for the stranger living next door, but jealousy burns like acid on him.
“I don’t know.” Kyungsoo replies, and watches as Jongin’s smile fades. “Later.” He’s about to shut the door when Jongin thrusts his shoe between the crack, wincing as a snapping sound fills the air.
“Hyung. Please.” Jongin looks down with watery eyes. Whether it be from his foot or from pure, genuine emotion, Kyungsoo will never know but he goes for the latter and dives into Jongin’s chest, glasses smashing against cotton, and engulfs him in one last hug. “Hyung!”
“Please. Hug me back, for only a second. Let us last for only a second, before my wings fall off.”
Jongin swallows loudly, his adams apple bobbing in anxiety. He slowly lifts his arms to wrap around Kyungsoo’s small frame, pulling him closer so his head rests against Jongin’s collarbones. “Kyungsoo hyung-”
“Don’t talk. Just… please” Kyungsoo’s voice trails off into incoherency, frustration and tears. He buries his head further, curling his fingers into Jongin’s shirt. Humiliation pools in his stomach, as he feels the feathers of the wings on his back float to the ground at every passing second.
Eventually Jongin pulls away. He peels Kyungsoo’s sticky face off of his body, a small sad smile etching onto his features. “Thanks.” Kyungsoo murmurs, stepping back so the door frame divides them once more. His heart burns.
“No proble-” The door slams shut in Jongin’s face.
-
Kyungsoo catches glimpses of the new girl hanging off Jongin’s arm. She has light brown wavy hair reaching just above her ribcage, big eyes and a long nose. Her lips are always pursed, but when Jongin smiles so does she. It shines a light onto her face, making her a thousand times more prettier. Kyungsoo wants to hate her- he really does- but she might possibly be the nicest woman alive. She donates, volunteers, sings and dances. She’s in a small band with three other friends, and they perform in local bars. That was how Jongin met her. He chased her down, night after night, and they became friends straight away. Her name is Soojung, and she’s the neighbor that lives directly opposite Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo shrugs on a coat and tugs on red gloves, pulling down a blue wool beanie over his ears. He unlocks his apartment door and leaves the building with it locked, his hands thrust into his jacket pockets. It’s autumn again. Leaves of color descend the sky to land on asphalt, and roads are lined with orange and red and gold. Despite the endless beauty, the street is empty; and quiet, for a while, until a small voice catches his ear.
Kyungsoo looks closer at the couple in front of them. It takes him a moment to realize a girl is holding the boy’s hand, and the boy has hair the color of chestnut, tufts of it sticking out in curls. Kyungsoo ignores the feeling ripping his chest open.The girl is leaning his head on his shoulder. Their hands are woven together, and the small voice is singing. Soojung is singing. Kyungsoo walks only a little faster, approaching the two to hear the voice clearer.
As she sings, Jongin slowly slips away and begins to dance. He dances by pushing his legs through leaves, gliding across air, his hands cutting through like bluntknives. And as he dances faster, Soojung sings louder. She sings louder until she’s belting her notes out and her voice is gyrating against her throat, and the family to Kyungsoo’s right has begun to stare, cheering them both on. They sing and dance together; it isn’t a battle between dance and vocals, it’s collaboration and unison, both movements and voice in harmony. As they run faster they get further and further away. They don’t stop chasing after each other. Nobody falls over in clumsiness, nobody stutters and falters. They disappear around a corner laughing as they stumble to a jog, and the family to Kyungsoo’s right doesn’t stop talking about them, with hushed whispers of amazingly in sync and the girl’s voice is just made for the boy’s dancing! Kyungsoo wonders if a family couldn’t stop talking about them when he and Jongin did the exact same thing.
He digs his chin into his purple scarf, shutting his eyes tightly. Then he drags his feet through autumn leaves silently, hearing Soojung’s voice echo in the back of his mind.
-
Somewhere between summer and spring, or maybe in one of the two seasons, Kyungsoo finds himself pulling the metal stairway railings as leverage to climb up the several flight of steps to the rooftop. His sketchbook is tucked neatly into his backpack along with four blunt graphite pencils and one impeccably sharp mechanical pen. When he reaches the top floor, the large metal door to the roof is ajar, the whistling of summer (or spring) wind seeping through. Kyungsoo relishes in it, before nudging the door open. He runs to the edge of the rooftop, peering over the waist high fences. The street below is quiet, and the stars above hold conversations with the moon.
Kyungsoo hears soft rustling to his right, but decides not to investigate. Instead he opts for seating himself on the ground against the fence, taking out his sketchbook and pencils. He lies them out neatly, side by side in perfect order, picking the bluntest one to start with.
The small sounds get louder and louder. Kyungsoo finally gives up and scrambles to his feet, scuttling across the dusty ground to the noise. There, he sees a sleeping mat rolled out and a familiar backpack thrown messily on top. It’s unzipped, and right at the top lays a small red box. Kyungsoo looks down to his hands, spotting the glint of his promise ring. He slides it off his finger and, with anger coursing through his veins, throws it off of the rooftop.
He dares himself to take another step forward. There, he sees a boy with long bronze legs and chestnut hair over a girl with shut eyes. Jongin grunts, thrusting forwards, curling his fingers into Soojung’s hands and hair. He drops his head onto Soojung’s bare shoulder, breaths quickening.
Kyungsoo runs away. He throws everything back into his backpack, shuffling back inside with a pounding chest. Bile rumbles at the bottom of his throat, threatening to escape.
Kyungsoo manages to make it to the second flight of stairs before hunching over and puking over concrete.
-
Kyungsoo kicks his feet in the water, shoulders grazing artificial drooping leaves. He sighs, the chatter and excitement of people around him melting into the atmosphere. He’s sitting on the edge of the lazy river, watching as couples, families and friends float by with smiles tattooed onto their faces. The gush of water dips down directly where Kyungsoo is, so he’s always greeted with a few yells and violent splashes directly to the face.
Thirty minutes after mindlessly kicking water, Kyungsoo’s about to get up before seeing a the back of a familiar boy sitting on a donut. It floats down the stream, and when it slowly spins around Kyungsoo sees that between the boy’s legs sits a girl in a red bikini, laughing as Jongin whispers things in her ear. She turns her head to press a long kiss to Jongin’s mouth, unbeknownst of the waterfall drop that Kyungsoo doesn’t have the heart of reminding them of.
His chest beats million miles a second. Bronze, toned arms glisten underneath the midday sun, making white teeth look even more whiter and large smiles even more larger. Jongin squeezes Soojung in his arms once before flipping them over just as they reach a tunnel. The memory slaps Kyungsoo on the face, so hard he’s sent to his feet.
Kyungsoo tries to run, to escape the hellhole that is Jongin, but his feet slip on wet tiles and he dives head first into the pool, erupting small laughter and irritated shouts.
Embarrassment burns in the air as Kyungsoo lifts himself out of the water.
But he can’t forget treading water just after the tunnel, and looking at Jongin’s golden skin glimmer underneath the sunshine and laughter etch onto his features. He can’t forget the feeling that stayed in his heart, even after the water dried off of their bodies and even after Kyungsoo’s wings fell to the ground.
-
Kyungsoo sees it everywhere he goes.
In the corner of his eye, he sees Soojung cradling Jongin, lips meeting and leaving, mouthing necks and collarbones. On his balcony, he sees Jongin stooping down to kiss Soojung, the rain pelting down and sticking their clothes to their skin. In the waterpark he goes to one day, he sees Jongin and Soojung on the lazy river, mouths open in laughter, eyes twinkling with love. Through snowy streets, he sees Jongin and Soojung walk hand in hand, with Soojung singing soft songs as Jongin nods along. On rooftops- on rooftops of every building, he sees Jongin hovering over Soojung, relentless and desperate, love seeping out onto concrete.
He decides to go to the coffee shop. He decides to sit in his usual seat by the ceiling-high window, pondering how he got into this heart broken mess in the first place, with his black sketchbook placed next to a steaming mug of hot chocolate and a neat row of graphite pencils and one mechanical pencil.
He runs across the street, backpack bumping against his back, and walks into the coffee shop with a small smile at the familiar feeling. He’s about to head to his table when he finds it preoccupied.
Soojung is seated in Kyungsoo’s seat, and Jongin is seated in the chair opposite, head bowed. This is it. This is when he’ll blow Soojung over. He did the same thing to me. Jongin rummages in his coat pocket (collars pulled up) for something, and when he pulls it out Soojung’s jaw falls.
Jongin scoots his chair back.
Jongin drops down onto one knee.
Kyungsoo decides he hates autumn. Because when he sees red and orange leaves, he sees a figure with a white blouse and skin-tight leather trousers gliding through them with clouds of laughter. In the season of autumn, wherever he looks, he sees Jongin. Jongin, Jongin, Jongin. Kyungsoo collapses over himself, onto his knees, and buries his head in his hands. Tears don’t fall, but his chest feels empty. It’s been clawed out and left gauged open, his heart stolen and never returned. Kyungsoo hears applause around him, and whoops for the engaged couple at the table next to the ceiling high window. He hears a car roll by, but the engine does not drown out the liveliness of the coffee shop.
He hears Jongin’s voice above everybody else.
“After trying and trying to find the perfect person for me, I found you. I found you on an autumn day where the leaves fell like butterflies and the air was dry and clear. And even though we’ve been through a lot, even though we’ve suffered, I won’t forget anything. I won’t forget street dancing, and snow angels, and cherry blossom trees, and the rain, and this damn coffee shop. I love you. I love you so, so fucking much. Do you love me?”
Kyungsoo pretends Jongin is talking to him. He pretends Jongin is kneeling in front of him, with a hand on his shoulder as if to comfort him. He won’t forget autumn leaves and glowing tears and stars hung above them.
“Yes. I love you.” Kyungsoo whispers.
Tears slip down his face too fast, as he watches Jongin meet Soojung with a long, open mouthed kiss.
PART III
Kyungsoo kneads a thick slab of dough after sprinkling flour over the marble countertop. Music plays softly in the corner of the kitchen, (one of those Korean ballads he has in his music library) and there’s a soft hum of the last remaining customers outside. Someone knocks on the kitchen door and it’s pushed open, revealing a toothy Minseok harboring fancy purple hair. “Kyungsoo-ah, it’s already 5pm.” He grins, slipping into the kitchen. Immediately he’s covered in a light dusting of flour, and laughs. “Cover the dough in cling wrap and throw it in the freezer. Get a long rest for tomorrow, yeah?”
“Right.” Kyungsoo sighs, the corner of his mouth tilting upwards. “Korea.”
Minseok sticks his tongue out playfully, throwing the roll of cling wrap towards Kyungsoo. “14 hour flight, Kyungsoo. Has it really been 2 years already?”
“I think it’s 13 hours, actually.” He successfully wraps the dough and chucks it into the freezer. “I wish I was a rich ass and could afford business or first class.”
“Don’t we all, Kyungsoo, my dear cousin?” Minseok’s laughter is contagious. He slaps Kyungsoo on the back, joy sizzling in his chest. “Where am I going to find another amazing baker like you, hm?” He frowns at Kyungsoo’s smirk, watching the doe-eyed boy untie his apron and hook it.
“I’m sure there’s somebody here in America.” Kyungsoo walks out of the kitchen with his cousin Minseok following suit. “What did you say about your ‘boyfriend’ again?”
“That he’ll be in Korea when you go! And it’s super unfair!” Minseok whines like a baby, Kyungsoo thinks with a splitting smile. “Say hi to him, okay? He’s Instagram famous and-”
“Hyung, no.” Kyungsoo cuts off Minseok with a stern look, silencing the complaining and swooning. “I happen to see his face all over my Instagram feed thanks to you so if you mind- one, stop reposting his selfies and two- I will not walk all over Seoul trying to find him. I’m sure there’s an army of saesang fans already doing that. Oh! And three- he isn’t your boyfriend! He’s just some stupid internet-famous idol, hyung, don’t even try messing with me here.”
“But-But-” Minseok juts out his bottom lip in a pathetic attempt at aegyo.
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and leans forwards to engulf Minseok in a warm hug. Minseok smiles into Kyungsoo’s hair, pressing his arms around him tighter. “Seeya, cousin.”
“I might come back!” Kyungsoo yells, running out of the bakery. The shop is almost empty. He speaks in English for good measure. “Bye!”
Minseok waves violently, his arm whizzing through the air as he watches his cousin run through the street, backpack bumping on his back and a black sketchbook tucked under his arm.
-
The plane shakes, and when it lands it drags across the ground with a sickening screech that fills the air. Time slips by and Kyungsoo finds himself in the backseat of a taxi, phone in hand. The same ballad he listened to in America is on replay. Kyungsoo startles when his phone vibrates. Having just established an internet connection, an explosion of notifications enters his screen. The taxi driver stares at him with a glint in his eye through the rearview mirror. A social media notification captures Kyungsoo’s attention. The sender reads: Kim Jongin.
Kyungsoo swipes, and reads the message that was sent 4 hours ago with narrowed eyebrows.
Hi hyung. It’s jongin. Do you remember me? I heard youre returning to korea, so do you want to meet in a coffee shop? You know which one. I’ll wait hyung. Even if you don’t come, i’ll wait everyday.
Kyungsoo wheezes, tightening his grip on the phone.
“You better not be watching porn back there, sir!”
Kyungsoo jumps, staring wide eyed at the cheeky smile the taxi driver gives. “What?”
“Joke. It’s a joke, sir.”
Kyungsoo lets out a breath, loosening his grip on his phone. He reads the taxi driver’s name that’s been messily scrawled on a pink sticky note pasted in the bottom right corner of the window. It says: that’s right bitchez i’m jongdae.
“Jong...dae.” Kyungsoo says slowly, and Jongdae grins.
“So, are you actually watching porn? Do you mind moving to the front? I wouldn’t mind watching too-”
“I am not!” Kyungsoo squeals, face growing redder. He’s greeted with Jongdae’s dinosaur laugh as they take a turn. “Hey, uh-” Kyungsoo licks his lips, nervousness crawling in his stomach. “Jongdae, do you mind sending me here instead of my apartment?” Jongdae pulls over to the roadside, and turns around with a smile.
“Show me?”
Kyungsoo thrusts his hand out, showing Jongdae the map on his phone. With one nod the ride goes on, this time with Jongdae humming softly. “Thanks, Jongdae.”
-
Autumn leaves fall out of trees, and piles of gold, red and orange line the roads.
Kyungsoo knows what to expect when he calms himself down outside of the coffee shop. A Jongin with eyes worn out with age, with laughter lines on his skin and with lips upturned. He’ll be holding a toddler’s hand, his toddler’s hand, and when he sits down Soojung will come bustling over to take the child away with an apologetic smile and an: oh, you were my neighbor! Nice to meet you again! Jongin will pretend they never kissed buried in autumn leaves, never embraced under the cold breath of rain and never made love underneath a blanket of watching stars.
So Kyungsoo braces himself, and pushes the door open.
What he sees is different. So, so different.
He sees a man with dark, dark eyes and dark, dark hair. He sees a man with legs that look like they haven’t danced for years, a mouth that looks like it hasn’t smiled for years, and shaking hands that look like they haven’t held anothers’ for years. Long fingers are wrapped around a coffee mug which is brought to thick lips. Kyungsoo takes a step forward. There is no toddler by his side. No wife, either. Just a deprived man with bags so deep they could hold tears, and legs so frail they could collapse.
“Jongin?”
Kyungsoo takes another step forward, until he’s hovering over the other. Jongin looks up with drooping eyes, and for the first time in a very long time, Kyungsoo sees his lips break into a splitting, bursting smile. Jongin scrambles to his feet, arms outstretched as they engulf Kyungsoo in a suffocating hug. He digs his chin into Kyungsoo’s shoulder, and Kyungsoo swears he feels Jongin shake in his hold. “You came.” He whispers, as if the very thought of Kyungsoo coming back would be impossible. Kyungsoo pulls back slightly, a small frown tilting his lips.
“Jongin-” He starts, but the other interrupts by tugging Kyungsoo back into a hug that knocks the air out of his lungs. “Let’s- Let’s sit down, and talk, alright?”
Jongin reluctantly lets go, pulling out a chair and sitting down on it with his back slumped. His collars are turned down, pockets loose with change that laugh as they clink together, and his black jeans wrap around slim legs. “Hyung, I messed up.” Jongin blurts out, biting his bottom lip. “I messed up so, so bad.”
“What do you mean, Jongin?” Kyungsoo frowns.
“I love you. I love you so much- its- I let go of you, but for some reason you never really disappeared.” Jongin bows his head, sucking hot tears back in. “Remember when you said you would fly with me until your wings burned?”
“Jongin, stop.”
“Even if I flew away? Why did you lie to me hyung?” Jongin leans forwards, tears brimming, with his fingers curled into Kyungsoo’s shirt. “Why did you lie to me!”
“Jongin!” Kyungsoo snaps, shoving him away. “How dare you! How dare you victimise yourself, how dare you make it seem like I attacked you! How dare you make it like you never left me broken, and proposed to my fucking neighbor! How dare you, Kim Jongin!” Kyungsoo yells, his voice rising higher and higher. Customers begin to stare. Tears have already slipped past his cheeks. “How dare you leave me running to America, to work as a baker! How dare you make me touch my sketchbook again! How dare you never leave my thoughts! How dare you take that girl on every fucking date we went on!” Kyungsoo collapses back onto his chair, burying his face in his hands. Blood, sweat, and tears, making their way down Kyungsoo’s wrists as he wretches sobs in the silent coffee shop.
“Kyungsoo.” Jongin whispers, guilt throwing itself into his chest.
“And after all that, Kim Jongin.” Kyungsoo lifts his head to make direct eye contact, blown out eyes meeting ones drowning in guilt. “And after all that, you ask me- why I fucking lied to you?”
-
Jongin and Kyungsoo walk side by side. Their shoulders and arms brush, slightly, but not enough to notice. Kyungsoo has his arms shoved in his jacket pockets, and Jongin has his collars pulled up once more. They walk through streets of autumn gold. The tension is thick in the air, too thick to ignore. Jongin glances to his right, stuttering a breath at Kyungsoo. The smaller boy’s skin looks brighter, thinly framed black glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, heart shaped red lips puffing out air as the temperature drops.
“Jongin, do you still dance?”
The question hangs in the air along with the tension. Jongin shrugs in reply, kicking a rock as they walk past it. Piles of neat leaves are stacked side by side as they walk through neighborhoods.
“I can’t dance without music.”
That too hangs in the air. Kyungsoo halts, almost tripping over his own feet. Jongin looks back, a small smile curling his lips upwards. Kyungsoo sees sunken in eyes, and pallid skin. He sees Jongin’s smiling corpse; a corpse that can only be alive once more if passion was strung into it. “Will you dance if I sing?” Kyungsoo asks slowly, licking his bottom lip. Jongin’s eyes light up like light bulbs, and he nods fiercely.
Kyungsoo sings the same ballad. The ballad he played in America, in the taxi, the one he first sang to Jongin. The ballad by that boy group who were famous enough to have their slow songs played on the radio. And just as Kyungsoo had hoped, Jongin begins to slip away. It starts reluctantly, slowly at first, Jongin only lingering a foot away at most. But Kyungsoo sings louder, and Jongin’s movements turn sharper, bolder, louder. They burst with passion, reigniting the heart beating in his chest. Kyungsoo jogs to keep up the pace, watching as Jongin takes long leaps and twirls from years of ballet, matching the ballad at every step. he dances in unison to Kyungsoo’s voice, yet it becomes a battle between vocals and movement. Notes string into the air, floating with the autumn leaves. They pulse with a strong feeling, and Kyungsoo goes into a strong run. They run and dance side by side, Kyungsoo belting out notes and Jongin taking furious leaps, until Kyungsoo trips into autumn leaves and Jongin laughs, tripping along with him.
“Do you remember?”
Kyungsoo whispers, as they lay too close for comfort buried beneath red and gold. Jongin turns his head, his nose grazing Kyungsoo’s cheek. His breath passing over pale skin.
“How could I forget?”
Strangely, Jongin sits up and leans down to press his lips down on Kyungsoo’s. His hands curl in Kyungsoo’s hair, whilst Kyungsoo’s small cold hands press Jongin’s cheeks. The warmth they share runs through their veins, illuminating their hearts.
When they pull apart, Kyungsoo has tears sliding down his cheeks. Jongin wipes them away, hesitantly because they glow under moonlight. He sees them shine as they drip drop off Kyungsoo’s face. Jongin kisses them away, and then kisses Kyungsoo’s mouth again, breathing in deep as their lips part in unison.
-
“An explanation.”
Kyungsoo states, his voice cutting through the air. Jongin looks up from his spaghetti, confusion blooming.
“You owe me an explanation.”
Jongin drifts his gaze to the side as he pushes the noodles around with his chopsticks. He reluctantly opens his mouth to speak. “Hyung…” His eyes droop in a silent plead, but Kyungsoo leans back with folded arms instead.
“Jongin-” Kyungsoo starts.
“Chanyeol.” Jongin bites his bottom lip, looking up beneath dark eyelashes to see Kyungsoo’s eyebrows raise in confusion. “We used to be classmates- pretty close, actually. And at some point in our senior year, we both fell for the same guy. This boy called Luhan.”
Kyungsoo splutters over his bowl, jaw dropping in half amusement and shock. “Luhan? Insta-fame, internet idol, ultimate ulzzang Luhan? That Luhan?”
A blush spreads on Jongin’s cheeks as he nods once, curtly. “Well, long story short, I got Luhan. And I dropped him after two weeks.” Jongin lets out a long sigh. “Chanyeol was outrageous. He stated that I had no heart, that I didn’t deserve Luhan.” He glances up at Kyungsoo, who seems blank in emotion. “So when I got a girlfriend a couple days later, he somehow snuck through and stole her from me.”
“So you did the same to him?” Kyungsoo pipes in, a frown burning onto his lips. Jongin resists leaning forwards to wipe it off. “Jongin-”
“Hear me out, okay? I was young, childish, stupid. But it never stopped. Even through college, and our first jobs. Stealing each others girlfriends or boyfriends like kids. Eventually I met you and- hyung, I ran away that day because I didn’t want to fall too hard. When I saw you, my heart dropped dangerously. I only brought you to that shitty party to see if you had any relation to Chanyeol; to see whether I could use that to my advantage. And you didn’t- you almost got raped instead.” Jongin shakes, and the fork drops with a clang against the plate. “That day- that day at the waterpark, Sehun called me saying Chanyeol got engaged. And revenge- revenge and envy overpowered-”
“So you left me for Soojung.” Kyungsoo lowers his gaze with a small frown.
“No!” Jongin blurts out. “I never left you, hyung. I was always here!” Jongin reminds Kyungsoo of a teddy bear trying to sow itself back together in desperation. “I was engaged to Soojung but it didn’t sit right. I found out Chanyeol was taking drugs, was ruining himself, and attempting suicide that I- Yeol’s my best friend. He might not agree, he might say we used to be, but I believe we still are. Hidden under all the vengeance and fear.”
“Jongin-”
“I broke it off. After I did, I settled it with Chanyeol. He says he’s sorry about everything, about attempting rape on you, about starting the whole thing.”
“I was so lonely, hyung. Nobody made me feel the way you did. And Chan- Chanyeol never even got back together with Soojung. Instead he’s hooking up with this short kid with eyeliner and...I have never felt more alone in my life, hyung. Even when I was running after girls and boys, I have never felt more alone.”
Kyungsoo shoves the bowls of spaghetti aside and clambers forwards, grasping Jongin’s face in his two hands. “You aren’t alone anymore.”
“You- forgive me?”
“No.”
Kyungsoo presses forward with moist lips, dropping his jaw to lick into Jongin’s mouth. He feels Jongin sigh into his skin, and his fingers dig into the nape of his neck.
“I love you hyung.” he murmurs, between sharp inhales of breath. “Your wings grew back, right?”
Kyungsoo pulls back to smile, pressing a soft kiss on Jongin’s nose.
“They’re healing, I’m sure of it.”
He presses one last kiss as autumn leaves float down from the sky outside.