(for wonderstruckxxx) of fragile hearts and the music we make ✸ part 2 of 2
❊ for: wonderstruckxxx
❊ title: of fragile hearts and the music we make
This is where the pattern starts.
The artists find themselves inside the arts school and visiting the training rooms during Kyungsoo’s rehearsals or Jongin’s dancing lessons to sneak kisses when the students leave and they’re the only two people left in the room.
During these said encounters, Jongin has Kyungsoo backed up against the dance mirror wall or splayed on top of the piano to cover the other with hickeys, leaving him with harsh blotches that paint his skin a shade of purple. There are times when Jongin wraps genuine arms around Kyungsoo’s waist and a dropped head to the corner of his neck, peppering him with small kisses as he brings them into a slow dance to Frank Sinatra or Michael Buble.
There are also moments when the singer watches the dancer move to the beat of any song that blasts from the stereo player with hips gyrating sensually to hip hop beats and legs twirling tastefully to classical pieces. There are times when Jongin stays seated next to Kyungsoo to watch him do what he does best-make music.
They don’t stop there, because there are nights when they go out to watch the latest movies and plays. Sometimes they take quick trips to the art museums and sometimes to any restaurant that has their favorite Moscato wine.
Most instances they end up under the covers in Kyungsoo’s bed, falling asleep curled up in each other’s arms after dirtying the sheets and screaming each other’s names when they come undone.
It’s become a casual routine to them, and by this time Kyungsoo expects the worst out of anybody who woos him and plots out words and lyrics about boys who never run out of style and people who look like his next mistake, thinking that he can possibly use these as reference for future songs.
Jongin is not one of them.
He is not one of Kyungsoo’s songs, because Jongin cooks him breakfast every morning after they sleep together to make sure he eats well, especially after a hangover. Jongin doesn’t just walk Kyungsoo home, but walks with him and takes him to bed.
Jongin is playful, but he’s also someone serious in the sense of each time he talks about his passion in dancing, and about life too. Jongin is a big dreamer that sets many goals for himself trying to reach them every single time, and Kyungsoo can only listen to him in admiration when he talks about them like it means the whole world to him.
Kyungsoo thinks that Jongin is not one of his songs. He doesn’t want him to be.
Kyungsoo still thinks about that one unfinished song in his head, that particular song he’s sung and played the piano to weeks ago when Jongin found him-that song that he can’t seem to write or finish.
Lately when Kyungsoo writes songs it’s not the song that he’s looking for and discovers that a week after submitting them to his music producers they’ve already given them to other artists and are declined from making the cut to his upcoming album.
Junmyeon, one of his producers, explains that this in no way will affect Kyungsoo’s career. He tells him it’s not because the songs aren’t up to their expectations, but just a matter of keeping his ‘image’ who is in charge of bringing in the ‘sad songs that everyone will sing to’.
It’s their own way of saying that Kyungsoo is starting to write happier songs.
Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to feel about that.
Shortly after the singer’s meeting with the higher authorities, he jumps to another coffee shop to chat a little with Baekhyun, who’s partly to blame in all of this. The other is surprised when Kyungsoo laughs all of a sudden as he tells him about Junmyeon and his advice.
“Well, I haven’t heard any of the singles yet, but hey, you seem happier,” Baekhyun says. “I think it’s the first time I’ve seen you smile in months, like just naturally smile. Jongin seems to be doing a really great job at keeping your heart in one piece again.”
It’s a week later when Kyungsoo begins to worry-about Jongin, and about the lyrics that are trapped inside him.
His thoughts scare him; Kyungsoo is sure the happiness won’t stay long, because he knows that he is only really happy when something is about to be taken away from him.
He starts to fear the training room inside the arts school, because he knows that soon Jongin will come inside and listen to him play a song, he’ll listen to him sing about heartbreak and love that isn’t real and about love that hurts.
He fears that soon after he’ll start to find the song in Jongin’s laugh and in his smile, in the way his feet move along to the tune of the music.
Kyungsoo fears that one day, Jongin will become the song he sings about.
And that alone haunts him.
But today when Jongin enters the training room, Kyungsoo pretends these thoughts never existed. The singer can only put a smile on his face when the other randomly tells him that he wants to take voice lessons.
Kyungsoo leads him through basic voice training with the piano. Once that’s done, they sit opposite of each other on the floor at the center of the room, legs crossed and hands placed properly on top of their knees.
Kyungsoo tells Jongin to close his eyes. He watches his breathing turn steady and calm from the way his chest heaves up and down, eyes closed and focused. He observes the dancer and explains to him the vocal exercises, then tells him to go through the notes from the lowest to highest.
Jongin follows his orders without complaint, his neck stretching up to yell ’Do! Re! Mi!’ as his adam’s apple bobs each time he has to sing it. Kyungsoo sees the veins popping out from his neck and gazes adoringly at how the dancer seems so into it. He is so into anything that he does, and the singer realizes that he himself is just so into him, so into Jongin.
Jongin misses a note somewhere along his singing. Kyungsoo encouragingly laughs, telling him to watch his tone and pitch. Jongin tries again but messes up completely, and looks at him feeling completely discouraged.
There’s a pout on the dancer’s face, but Kyungsoo takes his hand in his and moves closer to him, leaving a soft kiss to his throat and whispering, ’Just a little higher.’
Jongin doesn’t make a sound, but a lump forms in his throat. Kyungsoo’s lips trail kisses along the dancer’s neck, kissing higher and higher, until thick lips are crashing against his own and hands suddenly wrap around his waist.
Minutes later and Kyungsoo is straddling Jongin with legs settled on each side of his hips. They continue to kiss hard and long, even when Jongin’s head ends up on the floor with Kyungsoo leaning over him, covering as much skin as possible with the touch of his mouth.
It’s also minutes later when the door knob twists, and all too suddenly the two are scrambling to their feet and running out the door before they can get caught by one of the students.
The rain arrives just as they rush out the school building, laughing together as emotions are on high and half-worked up from their previous makeout session. They stay silent on a sidewalk and try to catch their breath as the rain continues to drench them.
Their eyes lock in a short gaze, and Jongin searches for Kyungsoo’s lips again before dragging him to his apartment.
~
Kyungsoo thinks the dancer’s apartment feels more intimate than it should.
The singer doesn’t know if it’s only because it’s his first time to inside, but something’s different about the way Jongin presses him on the carpeted floor and kisses him in a way that is unlike any of the other nights.
Their clothes are soaked from the cold outside, but right now nothing feels warmer than the way Jongin’s body is aligned on top of his, even more than the fireplace that burns next to them inside the dancer’s cozy living room.
Another thing that Kyungsoo seems to notice is something he finds odd. The pace is slower than the rest of the nights that they’ve shared.
They kiss until the dancer strains against his boxers, a moan easing out of his mouth when Kyungsoo palms his unbuttoned jeans and moves his hand close to where he can trace his form properly.
Jongin continues to kiss the singer like he can’t get enough of him, simultaneously flicking their tongues together and sucking on his lower lip.
Kyungsoo can’t get enough of Jongin too, his arms travelling to every part of his body and lifting his hips up to press himself tighter against the man hovering over him. He’s getting impatient and needs the other to do something about the tent forming in his pants.
Jongin doesn’t but only cranes his neck to leave more kisses to his jaw and throat before pulling back to stare at him almost lovingly.
“You know, I really appreciate the way you look at me,” Kyungsoo says in a loss of breath, “But I would like it even more if you kiss me again. I kind of want you.”
He cups Kyungsoo’s face with his hands, stroking a thumb over his cheekbone with a fond smile on his face.
“Do you want me now, Kyungsoo?” Jongin asks.
”Yes.” Kyungsoo begs, fingers digging hard on Jongin’s waist in anticipation.
“How about tomorrow, and the day after that? Will you still want me then?”
“Jongin-“
“I just wanted to hear your answer,” Jongin murmurs. “Before I let you know that…”
The hesitation in his eyes catches Kyungsoo’s attention momentarily, but the singer is too filled with desire to ask and instead lures him in with a deep kiss, a whisper of ‘Later,’ before clothes are quickly disposed and bodies align once more with a much deeper purpose.
It doesn’t take long for Jongin to get Kyungsoo worked up again, kissing and biting into his lips while grinding on top of him, emitting lewd noises from the other.
Eyes meet when he pulls Kyungsoo close, spreading his cheeks apart with hands on his back and his length inches away from the hole, now red from the strain.
Their foreheads align and with one swift move, Jongin lowers Kyungsoo on his lap, lining himself up so that the head nudges against the rim. He grunts in concentration and thinks of the pain Kyungsoo might feel, but the singer has other thoughts in mind and holds his breath, sinking down and taking in as much as he can until the shaft plunges deeper inside him, the warmth causing him to gasp inaudibly.
The ache is almost overwhelming, but Kyungsoo can only form a loose a string of words and whispered curses of ‘fuck’ and ’harder’ because Jongin feels so, so good.
Kyungsoo brings himself up to slam down and meet the other’s thrusts seconds later, and soon they create a rhythm that isn’t too fast nor slow but right, Jongin murmuring a ’Perfect,’ to the other’s skin below his collarbone.
Their bodies rock back and forth, but Jongin kisses Kyungsoo slowly with a hint of something else, a wish of something more than lust. Jongin switches their positions and has Kyungsoo’s back on the floor again, taking him languidly and moaning his name.
Minutes later and the pace picks up, followed by the sound of skin slapping against his own along with moans slipping out from their sinful mouths. Kyungsoo feels the heat slowly surround him, along with something more than the carnal desire that runs through his body with each sensitive touch of the dancer’s fingers.
The answer is in Jongin’s eyes when they meet with his own, along with the sense of belongingness in each other’s arms.
He can hear Jongin loud and clear as he chants his name in devotion, a breathtaking noise in the proximity of this intimate space.
It almost feels like they’ve made a connection--two bodies, but one person.
Could this be it? Kyungsoo thinks.
Could this be the song?
Kyungsoo is so close, but he’s unable to warn Jongin when he touches him, stroking his pulsated flesh until it’s all too much for the singer to handle.
The dancer pulls away from his lips and he whines, but his warm breath fans over his ear with a question in mind.
“Do you hear it, Kyungsoo?” Jongin whispers on the shell of his ear.
”Do you hear the music we make?”
Kyungsoo moans aloud and comes undone after that, body tensing while white substance spurts out of him and into Jongin’s abdomen, also spilling some on the floor. Jongin follows seconds later with a growl of the singer’s name, pulling out once he’s done spilling his own seeds inside the singer.
They lie wasted and spent on the floor from the aftermath, bodies covered with sweat and the smell of musk in the air.
Something feels different, but Kyungsoo listens to the song the evening brings and falls asleep in the warmth of Jongin’s arms.
Kyungsoo’s legs are hanging from arms that support his back and the back of his knees.
He closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep, but he knows that Jongin has carried him to his room, laying him gently on his bed to climb up and cover themselves in his sheets before bringing him in his embrace.
The bed is soft and inviting, but Kyungsoo doesn’t feel the need to sleep anymore. Instead, he hears Jongin’s breathing behind him, a hand tucking the strand of hair in Kyungsoo’s ear before lips gently kiss his nape.
There’s an impregnated silence that follows while fingers trace tentative circles on his back, and instinct tells Kyungsoo that the dancer is thinking of what to say.
The bedroom is quiet except for Jongin’s voice.
“I guess ’later’ didn’t work out today,” He laughs softly.
“I’m not sure if you can hear me now, but the thing that I wanted you to know is something I’ve wanted to say since the day we met…”
“You’ve always been an interesting person to me. You’re talented and amazing, and I want to take a place in your heart. I think I’m in love with you, Kyungsoo.”
When Jongin finally falls asleep, Kyungsoo leaves his bed and rushes out of his apartment before the dancer can convince him to stay.
~
It’s another tedious week of writing sessions for Kyungsoo, and another week since he’s lost contact with Jongin.
The singer finds himself in a tough situation.
But it’s not because he thinks Jongin has forgotten about him. In fact, the dancer has tried calling him once since he left the dancer sleeping in his bed and had walked out, leaving without another word. But because of Kyungsoo and this thing called ‘pride,’ he refuses to answer.
Jongin hasn’t called after that.
The songwriting isn’t doing well for him either.
He can’t put his mind on anything else except the sound of Jongin’s voice and the pleasant whispers when he used to call his name.
He welcomes these thoughts in his head ever since he walked away. These fleeting thoughts of Jongin that appear in sounds and vibrations that remind Kyungsoo of him, like the sound of the dancer’s breathing and the tap of his feet when he takes charge of the dancefloor.
Some thoughts are things such as what he would have said to him.
Saying goodbye would have been a nice way to end things, but Kyungsoo has heard this word too many times for a goodbye to ever be good. Or easy.
Kyungsoo is not sure if he wants to finish whatever they have, but Jongin has given him a part of his heart which he never intended to take. He is too afraid of risking his own heart from the scars and damages that people have left, that the only possible solution for protecting this fragile piece of him is to stop all connection with the dancer and run away from the feelings that want to escape, to run away and listen to the lyrics and songs that his mind leads him to.
If there is one thing that’s clear to the singer, it’s this:
Kyungsoo likes Jongin, and Jongin is in love with Kyungsoo.
Maybe it’s as simple, and even more complicated as that.
Tonight feels lonely, so Kyungsoo decides to drop by one of the clubs within the area and quickly approaches the bar to order a beer.
Kyungsoo observes the people inside, sipping quietly from his beer bottle while watching other people flirt and make the mistakes he’s once made. It leaves him with a bitter taste, and an even more bitter feeling when he sees the heart emojis in people’s eyes and smitten gazes on their faces, acting like they have found their perfect match and have fallen in love.
The singer is not aware that a live band is about to play, so when he spots a familiar blonde mop of hair from the stage, He’s surprised to see a flash of teeth already smiling brightly at him.
Kyungsoo hasn’t seen Chanyeol since their last affair, so seeing him wearing his signature leather jacket and dark skinny jeans is refreshing. He smiles back at the other and sends him a short and friendly wave.
He’s supposed to leave after one bottle, but decides to stick around and watch the vocalist play.
The singer finishes around four more bottles and ends up staying until the last set. Kyungsoo already feels light-headed when the vocalist approaches him with a knowing smirk on his face, eyes staring at him with an indecent intention to take him home.
Instead of a greeting, Chanyeol leans close with an arm wrapped around his waist, digging into his skin with lust while pressing his lips to his ear and whispering a sultry, ’Let’s get out of here.’
Kyungsoo doesn’t say no.
~~
Things shouldn’t feel the way it should.
Having sex with Chanyeol wasn’t always bad, but after their encounter a few days ago, Kyungsoo thinks that maybe it’s because he didn’t want him the way he thought he would-or at least the way he used to.
The singer doesn’t plan on taking a stroll down memory lane today and instead focuses on the piano in front of him inside the training room in the midst of preparation for the acoustic festival.
Kyungsoo plays a note or two trying to work on a new melody, until he’s interrupted by the sudden screech of the door that opens wide and Jongin storming inside with a disappointed look on his face.
“Let’s talk.” Jongin says sternly and through his teeth, nearing the piano and stopping meters away from the singer.
Kyungsoo doesn’t look back but asks, “What’s there to talk about?”
The question catches him off-guard, then he scoffs.
“Well, how about we talk about that night I took you to my apartment, when I woke up the next day and you were already gone. it’s not like you to just leave, Kyungsoo. So why did you leave that night?”
Kyungsoo can’t answer him, because even he doesn’t know why he left Jongin.
Maybe he was afraid.
Maybe Kyungsoo was scared of the idea that there may come a time when Jongin will soon lie to him, and might destroy him if he gives him his heart.
“Was it because you heard what I said?”
He looks up to see crestfallen eyes staring back at him.
“’I think I’m in love with you, Kyungsoo.’ You heard me that night, didn’t you? Is that why you left?”
Kyungsoo freezes at Jongin’s question, at the words uttered to him as if it was the easiest thing to say in the world.
He doesn’t need any of this today and acts like this doesn’t affect him, so he shoots the dancer a glare before saying, “You should go.”
“While you should listen,” Jongin counters. “I’m not going anywhere until you hear what I have to say.”
The singer gets up from his seat, mood completely ruined.
“Then I’ll leave.”
Kyungsoo is about to walk away but the dancer has none of it, quickly pushing him against the mirrored wall with a hand on the other’s chest while blocking his way completely.
“Jongin!” He shouts while trying to push the taller man from him. “Stop!”
The taller holds Kyungsoo in place with hands gripping tight on his shoulders, the pressure on his arms effortlessly weighing him down.
“Why, so you can leave and write a song about me, then turn me into one of your albums?”
That hurt a lot. Jongin’s statement says too much of what he thought of the singer, and that stings more than anything else.
“You’re such an idiot,” Kyungsoo says with tears forming in his eyes. “You’re stupid.”
“And you’re even more,” He answers back. “because I’m in love with you, Kyungsoo, but you left and slept with another man who doesn’t give a shit about you, not like how I do. Is that how you play fair?”
Something swoops in the pit of Kyungsoo’s stomach. He doesn’t know how he found out about Chanyeol, but he isn’t obliged to feel bad about it. He’s unattached and uncommitted, and he doesn’t owe anything to Jongin.
Except maybe a goodbye, but even that was difficult for him.
Kyungsoo doesn’t let the words sink in and is blinded by the fear that overtakes all feelings of longing and affection for the dancer.
“If that’s the only way I can protect myself, then yes. I’ll play the way I want to.”
The singer’s words make Jongin recoil in anger, while the grip on Kyungsoo shoulders grows tighter.
“Goddammit, Kyungsoo!” Jongin shouts and bangs the mirror wall with his fist, the loud and sharp sound frightening the smaller man. “Can’t you see? I love you, but for fuck’s sake you have to stop pushing me away like this. Don’t make me give up on you.”
Kyungsoo wishes he hadn’t said that. No one asked for Jongin to stay, and no one asked him to love the singer. If Jongin was going to stay for the sympathy, then Kyungsoo thinks he might as well leave.
“Then give up, Jongin,” Kyungsoo pleads. “I’ve been hurt too many times. I can’t put my heart at stake again. Not for you, or for anyone else.”
Before he knows what’s happening, Jongin brings him in a long embrace. The warmth is enough to fill his eyes with more tears as he sobs through his mouth.
The dancer pulls away before it can even last.
“You need to know that you’re not the only person who’s hurt, and just because you’ve always been hurt it doesn’t mean it gives you the right to hurt other people too. You need to let people in to take away the pain you’ve felt all this time, but I can’t do that unless you let me, Kyungsoo.”
He’s terrified, because Jongin starts to sound like another ending. But this is what Kyungsoo wants, he thinks he does.
“Your heart is not the only fragile thing at risk, because I’ve put my heart on the line, too. But I figured that it’s all worth it. It could be, because loving you is all the music I need.”
Every part of Kyungsoo feels like it’s going to explode, the pain almost similar to a knife stabbing him.
“I thought that I could break through your walls and burn your bridges. I thought that I could heal your broken heart, and that you could learn how to love again…”
There’s a sad smile on Jongin’s face, along with the tears that start to fall from his eyes.
“But it looks like the joke is on me. Turns out the only thing you learned was how to break mine.”
Jongin is out the room in seconds. When the door is shut with a final click, Kyungsoo falls to his knees and on the floor, crying his heart out.
~
He’s wasted, and he’s fucked by every other boy he’s met at the bar.
Lately Kyungsoo has been coming home every night and coming into his sheets with filthy hands pressed on his waist and indecent lips that kiss every part of him they can reach. It feels gross, and dirty, and forced, but he takes it.
It’s come to a point when Kyungsoo will take anyone that called him beautiful.
He’s taken the pleasure of other men in order to forget the pain, but even the pleasure doesn’t do him any good. It doesn’t make things better.
It’s a pathetic cycle that the singer has gotten used to, along with waking up every morning to cry in his bed and wrap himself in his blanket like a little child; it’s how he’s coped with the emptiness that crawls into his bed with him each time a lover walks out his bedroom door.
The pain has never felt this bad. It’s never felt this real to Kyungsoo, until he realized how much he needed a way of masking the pain.
It was that time in his bedroom when Oh Sehun took him home one night and began an assault on his body with persistent hands travelling down south. Kyungsoo sank down on his hips, and when skin had met with his, dull waves of heat spread further in him--reminding him of something that pulls his fuzzy mind out of the ruthless desire in his gut and lead him to the image of the ballet dancer’s hands pressing into the skin on his hips.
He’s imagined Jongin ever since that night, envisioning the dancer in every man he’s ever touched.
It’s unhealthy, and clinically insane for all he cared. Of course it didn’t feel the same, because nothing was better if it’s not Jongin pressed against him, nothing is pleasing if it’s not Jongin pleasing him.
Despite this, he takes all of the nasty things thrown his way, because he felt shitty about himself and the thought that he’s turned into the real heartbreaker.
He still has the decency to cry about Jongin most times, even about the words he said that chased him away.
He cries because Jongin wasn’t there to cook for him, and because Jongin couldn’t take care of him.
He cries because Jongin had told him that he loved him, but was too afraid to tell him that he loves him too.
Kyungsoo is too late.
And so the lonely singer cries in his bed every morning about the dancer that got away, and about a love that was almost there but not quite.
Just like this morning, before he’s being dragged off his feet and forced into the bathroom by Baekhyun who’s stormed inside the bedroom with the spare key to his house in his hand.
Of course his best friend would know where the key is in case of an emergency-at least this kind of emergency.
He watches with arms crossed and hips cocked in the middle of the doorway while the singer faces the mirror and stares at ugly puffy eyes and disheveled hair staring right back at him. His body has gone skinnier from not being able to eat, and his face looks exhausted from the lack of sleepless nights.
He doesn’t recognize himself anymore.
“What do you see?” Baekhyun asks.
Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders.
“A corpse.” He answers blankly. “I actually feel pretty dead if you ask me.”
“You’re dramatic,” He tells him. “but you’re not dead. You’re standing right here in front of me, wasting your time telling me that ’you’re dead’, when the fact is you’re alive. You’re breathing, and you’re feeling, and you look like shit.”
“I don’t know where you’re getting with this.” Kyungsoo tells him.
The man sighs.
“And I don’t know what happened between you and that dancer, but all I’m saying is that if you’re going to keep being this miserable, at least write a goddamn song about it. I’ve never seen you like this about just anyone, Kyungsoo. Also, you haven’t written about anyone in the past two weeks. I’m starting to worry.”
This is true. Kyungsoo has lost his sense of inspiration and has lost the words that he’s accustomed to forming in his head, but maybe it’s time to stop using people and treating them like lyrics to hit singles.
“You can’t expect me to write about anyone anymore, especially not about Jongin when I messed everything up. I don’t know how to explain this to you, but Jongin’s not just another song anymore, Baekhyun.”
If someone would ask Kyungsoo what Jongin sounds like, he doesn’t have an answer to that. He’s rock, and jazz, and soul, and all genres altogether. He’s the beat that drums in his heart each time it skips, and a note to every sound he makes.
Jongin is not a song, but all the songs at once. Jongin is all the love songs that has ever mattered.
Baekhyun narrows his eyes and looks at the singer while deep in thought.
“It’s astonishing,” He says, “how he means a lot to you.”
Kyungsoo smiles a bit at this. “He means everything to me.”
“Your music means everything to you, too.”
It takes a moment for the words to sink in.
“Maybe that’s why we were bound to meet in the first place,” Kyungsoo realizes. “Maybe that’s why love brought us together.”
“That’s not what Do Kyungsoo, prince of sad love songs, would say.” Baekhyun pipes and laughs. “I kind of like this you now.”
Kyungsoo laughs along, because for the second time around, Baekhyun was right.
Jongin is his music.
And that’s enough to keep him alive.
~
It’s been an hour since he was last on stage, but Kyungsoo still has goosebumps that cover his arms and hairs that stand at the back of his neck. He sits in front of the makeup dresser inside his dressing room, but his mind takes him back to flashing lights and the unknown faces who watched and sang along to the heartbreak songs he was accustomed to singing during his performance.
The rush and aftermath of tonight’s show feels special, and unlike any of the concerts he’s experienced.
Kyungsoo is glad, because he’s done something he never thought he’d be able to do.
He has given people a part of himself that he couldn’t just give away instantly-Kyungsoo has given people his heart, and has shown them the beauty of a potential love.
The last song had come off as a surprise for the audience, but it was much more of a shock for the singer himself.
Baekhyun had warned Kyungsoo that Jongin had been invited to the acoustic festival, but the possibility of the dancer attending was uncertain.
Nonetheless, Kyungsoo came onstage unprepared and unarmed with new material. He doesn’t remember how the music happened, but as soon as his fingers rested on the piano keys with the memory of the ballet dancer in mind, he sang aloud in the hopes that his words would reach Jongin if he stayed to listen to him.
I’ve never seen anything
in much more than you and me,
Oh, I’ve never loved, I’ve never loved,
Never loved someone like this,
All I know is this…
I was sent here for you, Kyungsoo sang, We were made to love… We were made to love…
He followed the beat of Jongin’s music, and the beat of his own fragile heart.
You were sent for me too,
We were made to love,
we were made to love...
This wasn’t a sad love song anymore, but a profession of love.
Kyungsoo is ready to fall in love in Jongin.
Kyungsoo is ready to love Jongin and trust him completely with his heart, ready for Jongin to make him whole again.
He might have lost him now, but maybe if time permits they would cross each others’ paths again, whether it would be in mirrored walls or at bars along the streets.
Suddenly there’s a knock on Kyungsoo’s dressing room door that causes the singer to quickly brush his thoughts off. He opens the door to find Baekhyun standing in front of him with nothing more than a cheeky grin on his face.
Before he can register anything else, the other drags something from behind and is soon shoved in front of him, the force being too quick to see, causing them to stagger inside the dressing room with a squeak escaping Kyungsoo’s mouth.
”Special delivery!” Baekhyun yells from outside. “Have fun and behave!”
The door is shut and Kyungsoo recovers slowly from the push. He hears the soft whisper of an apology, but he isn’t able to focus because all he sees is a large bouquet of pink camellia, and the singer takes a moment to remember the shade of Jongin’s rose blossomed hair.
The thought makes him smile a bit, but he isn’t able to see the face behind the bouquet to thank him properly.
He takes the bouquet from hands that feel strangely amicable to him, but discovers that the reason why the warmth of this particular stranger feels all too familiar is because the man that stands in front of him isn’t a stranger at all-he was never a stranger.
Jongin looks as how he did when he walked away at the training room--beautiful but incapacitated.
His hair is no longer pink but a hazel brown, almost similar to hot cocoa on a cold stormy day.
Kyungsoo still looks the same, but he can say he’s become a bit wiser, and a lot bolder than before.
Their eyes meet briefly, and there’s a combination of joy and despondency in Jongin’s eyes that strikes the singer with a pang of regret.
Kyungsoo feels like suffocating in the excruciating silence inside the room with the only sound of blood rushing in his ears as he tries to calm his breathing over the dangerous beat of his heart.
He doesn’t know where to start, so he thanks Jongin for the flowers and leaves them on top of his makeup dresser.
“They’re pretty,” Kyungsoo says, turning back to the dancer with a small smile on his face. “I… honestly didn’t think you would come.”
Jongin is just as tense as the singer.
“I couldn’t miss it even if I tried.”
Kyungsoo missed Jongin’s voice.
Another moment of silence follows after. The quiet is sickening, and it makes Kyungsoo uncomfortable.
He wants to tell Jongin everything: about his realizations, about his self-loathing and fear about the future and being unloved, about his faults and vulnerability. He doesn’t want to make this conversation a pity party, so he tries to keep things simple and save them from the unwanted sadness.
“You look nice,” Kyungsoo compliments. “You look better.”
This makes Jongin laugh softly.
“Do I?” Jongin asks. “That doesn’t seem right. If there’s anyone who looks better, it’s you. You look amazing, while I’m honestly a mess… and still in love with you.”
Kyungsoo’s heart clenches when he notices the sad smile that forms in his mouth.
“I’m… I’m not any better.”
It’s all that he can say. He feels much worse, knowing that he’s hurt the person that truly loved him.
Words seem harder for him to find in these moments, especially when he’s the one to blame. He takes a great amount of courage in deep breaths, and speaks before the silence can drag any longer.
“I know I hurt you, Jongin.” Kyungsoo starts, “I’ve said a lot of things I didn’t mean, but it was only because I was trying to cover up the pain I’ve felt all these years from people who didn’t deserve me, from people who weren’t you.”
“I’ve said some hurtful things too.” The dancer admits.
“I deserved it. I ruined everything.I used to have thoughts about what it would feel like to steal people’s hearts, to take a delicate piece of them only to destroy them, just like how people have done the same to me. I just didn't think that instead of me doing all the taking, you did too.”
“When I hurt you, I didn’t realize that I was hurting too, until I pushed you away and shut you out. I made the biggest mistake of my life by sheltering my heart from you. But now I’m ready, Jongin. I’m ready to open my heart to you, and I’m ready to give you my heart.”
Jongin doesn’t talk, but his eyes follow Kyungsoo’s words.
“Maybe we can start over and meet each other all over again. Maybe then I’ll find the strength to tell you and sing to you those words you’ve been wanting to hear. All I ask is that you never get tired of me.”
Tears begin to fall from Kyungsoo’s eyes while Jongin takes tentative steps towards him.
When the singer is within his reach, Jongin immediately takes him in his arms with the other bursting to tears. He brushes the tiny fringes on Kyungsoo’s head with his hand and kisses him lightly on his head. Kyungsoo wraps his arms around the taller man and holds him tight, leaving his head to rest on his chest and listen to Jongin’s quick heartbeat.
“About that last song...” Jongin inquires. The singer smiles against his chest and hides his face and the blush in his cheeks from the dancer. "It sounds familiar. It's different too, but I like it."
“It’s a confession, really.” Kyungsoo shares with a tiny laugh. “I’ve vowed to stop writing songs about boys and broken hearts and decided to sing for people who complete them.”
“Hmm,” Jongin hums and takes Kyungsoo’s face in his hands, leaning in to press their lips softly together. ”I’d say it’s my favorite.”
Jongin walks Kyungsoo home that night. The singer even invites him inside to stay over.
Nothing else happens inside, but their bodies lie under Kyungsoo’s sheets with legs intertwined, a kiss goodnight, and the new beginning of tomorrow.
The morning comes and brings along a tension that rises slowly between the pair.
Kyungsoo wakes up to hooded eyes staring back at him in silence with a look that speaks almost a thousand words. The sunlight hits the dancer’s face beautifully, casting a ray of light that compliments his tan complexion, leaving him with the desire to touch him.
He cups his face with one hand, while another rests on the side of his hip, facing the other with a knowing smile.
It’s quiet, and it’s Jongin who kisses him first with caution-careful but also persistent.
They lose themselves in the kiss, and minutes later it’s Kyungsoo who strips them off their clothes, dragging down the thin material of Jongin’s boxers to reveal his swelling flesh and slides down his body to takes all of him into his mouth.
Jongin rolls his eyes in ecstasy with a low breath of ’fuck’ slipping past his mouth from the pleasure of the other's hollowed cheeks and full lips enveloping him, while Kyungsoo takes his time and savors him, moaning at the feeling of Jongin's hand that grabs a fistful of his hair as his length hits the back of his throat and heat pools in his stomach.
It takes a while before the dancer pulls Kyungsoo up to crash their lips together, now hovering above him to align his own body with his while the other appreciates the image of an out of breath Jongin above him. The dancer watches Kyungsoo, admiring the other lying beneath him with a flushed face and skin shining.
Slowing down is not an option when Jongin’s hips snap forward and plunges deep into Kyungsoo, a gasp escaping his mouth and nails digging trails on Jongin’s back.
There’s no preparation and no warning, just the raw sensation of nothing that separates them and the friction of their bodies that rock back and forth into each other, with hips moving relentlessly into a rhythm that only they create.
It’s not enough until it’s all too much. The pace speeds up with Kyungsoo’s vision swimming as he takes in the sight of Jongin over him, sweat dripping furiously from his head with lust blown eyes locked on his own and fingers pressing hard into his skin.
Kyungsoo is filled with a rush of emotions and physical arousal, but it’s the perfect time to weave his hands into the other’s hair to pull him down until they are face to face with a confession slipping from the singer’s mouth.
“I love you.”
It’s three simple words, but it’s all it takes to drive Jongin over the edge. He cries out Kyungsoo’s name, hips stuttering as his seeds fill up inside him. He musters all his strength to help his lover by touching him, stroking Kyungsoo until he spills his own come all over his stomach.
Jongin’s body fails him and flops down next to Kyungsoo, sticking to him with arms and legs once again wrapped around him as if the heat wasn’t agonizing enough.
“I love you.” the dancer smiles in reply, leaving the other with a chaste kiss that he feels all the way to his toes.
Jongin is too worn out and is on the brink of falling asleep again, but he manages to make one last request.
“Can you sing me a song, Kyungsoo?”
The singer can only gaze at him admiringly and asks, “What would you like to hear?”
The dancer laces their fingers together and closes his eyes with a smirk tugging the corner of his mouth. “Anything that doesn’t break my heart.”
Do Kyungsoo would have sung about Jongin and about the love that once tore him into pieces, but now he doesn’t need to.
There will never be a love song about Kim Jongin written by Kyungsoo.
All Kyungsoo ever needs is the ballet dancer right next to him, falling asleep to the sweet melody of his voice as hearts beat in sync to the music they make.
❊ title: of fragile hearts and the music we make
This is where the pattern starts.
The artists find themselves inside the arts school and visiting the training rooms during Kyungsoo’s rehearsals or Jongin’s dancing lessons to sneak kisses when the students leave and they’re the only two people left in the room.
During these said encounters, Jongin has Kyungsoo backed up against the dance mirror wall or splayed on top of the piano to cover the other with hickeys, leaving him with harsh blotches that paint his skin a shade of purple. There are times when Jongin wraps genuine arms around Kyungsoo’s waist and a dropped head to the corner of his neck, peppering him with small kisses as he brings them into a slow dance to Frank Sinatra or Michael Buble.
There are also moments when the singer watches the dancer move to the beat of any song that blasts from the stereo player with hips gyrating sensually to hip hop beats and legs twirling tastefully to classical pieces. There are times when Jongin stays seated next to Kyungsoo to watch him do what he does best-make music.
They don’t stop there, because there are nights when they go out to watch the latest movies and plays. Sometimes they take quick trips to the art museums and sometimes to any restaurant that has their favorite Moscato wine.
Most instances they end up under the covers in Kyungsoo’s bed, falling asleep curled up in each other’s arms after dirtying the sheets and screaming each other’s names when they come undone.
It’s become a casual routine to them, and by this time Kyungsoo expects the worst out of anybody who woos him and plots out words and lyrics about boys who never run out of style and people who look like his next mistake, thinking that he can possibly use these as reference for future songs.
Jongin is not one of them.
He is not one of Kyungsoo’s songs, because Jongin cooks him breakfast every morning after they sleep together to make sure he eats well, especially after a hangover. Jongin doesn’t just walk Kyungsoo home, but walks with him and takes him to bed.
Jongin is playful, but he’s also someone serious in the sense of each time he talks about his passion in dancing, and about life too. Jongin is a big dreamer that sets many goals for himself trying to reach them every single time, and Kyungsoo can only listen to him in admiration when he talks about them like it means the whole world to him.
Kyungsoo thinks that Jongin is not one of his songs. He doesn’t want him to be.
Kyungsoo still thinks about that one unfinished song in his head, that particular song he’s sung and played the piano to weeks ago when Jongin found him-that song that he can’t seem to write or finish.
Lately when Kyungsoo writes songs it’s not the song that he’s looking for and discovers that a week after submitting them to his music producers they’ve already given them to other artists and are declined from making the cut to his upcoming album.
Junmyeon, one of his producers, explains that this in no way will affect Kyungsoo’s career. He tells him it’s not because the songs aren’t up to their expectations, but just a matter of keeping his ‘image’ who is in charge of bringing in the ‘sad songs that everyone will sing to’.
It’s their own way of saying that Kyungsoo is starting to write happier songs.
Kyungsoo doesn’t know how to feel about that.
Shortly after the singer’s meeting with the higher authorities, he jumps to another coffee shop to chat a little with Baekhyun, who’s partly to blame in all of this. The other is surprised when Kyungsoo laughs all of a sudden as he tells him about Junmyeon and his advice.
“Well, I haven’t heard any of the singles yet, but hey, you seem happier,” Baekhyun says. “I think it’s the first time I’ve seen you smile in months, like just naturally smile. Jongin seems to be doing a really great job at keeping your heart in one piece again.”
It’s a week later when Kyungsoo begins to worry-about Jongin, and about the lyrics that are trapped inside him.
His thoughts scare him; Kyungsoo is sure the happiness won’t stay long, because he knows that he is only really happy when something is about to be taken away from him.
He starts to fear the training room inside the arts school, because he knows that soon Jongin will come inside and listen to him play a song, he’ll listen to him sing about heartbreak and love that isn’t real and about love that hurts.
He fears that soon after he’ll start to find the song in Jongin’s laugh and in his smile, in the way his feet move along to the tune of the music.
Kyungsoo fears that one day, Jongin will become the song he sings about.
And that alone haunts him.
But today when Jongin enters the training room, Kyungsoo pretends these thoughts never existed. The singer can only put a smile on his face when the other randomly tells him that he wants to take voice lessons.
Kyungsoo leads him through basic voice training with the piano. Once that’s done, they sit opposite of each other on the floor at the center of the room, legs crossed and hands placed properly on top of their knees.
Kyungsoo tells Jongin to close his eyes. He watches his breathing turn steady and calm from the way his chest heaves up and down, eyes closed and focused. He observes the dancer and explains to him the vocal exercises, then tells him to go through the notes from the lowest to highest.
Jongin follows his orders without complaint, his neck stretching up to yell ’Do! Re! Mi!’ as his adam’s apple bobs each time he has to sing it. Kyungsoo sees the veins popping out from his neck and gazes adoringly at how the dancer seems so into it. He is so into anything that he does, and the singer realizes that he himself is just so into him, so into Jongin.
Jongin misses a note somewhere along his singing. Kyungsoo encouragingly laughs, telling him to watch his tone and pitch. Jongin tries again but messes up completely, and looks at him feeling completely discouraged.
There’s a pout on the dancer’s face, but Kyungsoo takes his hand in his and moves closer to him, leaving a soft kiss to his throat and whispering, ’Just a little higher.’
Jongin doesn’t make a sound, but a lump forms in his throat. Kyungsoo’s lips trail kisses along the dancer’s neck, kissing higher and higher, until thick lips are crashing against his own and hands suddenly wrap around his waist.
Minutes later and Kyungsoo is straddling Jongin with legs settled on each side of his hips. They continue to kiss hard and long, even when Jongin’s head ends up on the floor with Kyungsoo leaning over him, covering as much skin as possible with the touch of his mouth.
It’s also minutes later when the door knob twists, and all too suddenly the two are scrambling to their feet and running out the door before they can get caught by one of the students.
The rain arrives just as they rush out the school building, laughing together as emotions are on high and half-worked up from their previous makeout session. They stay silent on a sidewalk and try to catch their breath as the rain continues to drench them.
Their eyes lock in a short gaze, and Jongin searches for Kyungsoo’s lips again before dragging him to his apartment.
~
Kyungsoo thinks the dancer’s apartment feels more intimate than it should.
The singer doesn’t know if it’s only because it’s his first time to inside, but something’s different about the way Jongin presses him on the carpeted floor and kisses him in a way that is unlike any of the other nights.
Their clothes are soaked from the cold outside, but right now nothing feels warmer than the way Jongin’s body is aligned on top of his, even more than the fireplace that burns next to them inside the dancer’s cozy living room.
Another thing that Kyungsoo seems to notice is something he finds odd. The pace is slower than the rest of the nights that they’ve shared.
They kiss until the dancer strains against his boxers, a moan easing out of his mouth when Kyungsoo palms his unbuttoned jeans and moves his hand close to where he can trace his form properly.
Jongin continues to kiss the singer like he can’t get enough of him, simultaneously flicking their tongues together and sucking on his lower lip.
Kyungsoo can’t get enough of Jongin too, his arms travelling to every part of his body and lifting his hips up to press himself tighter against the man hovering over him. He’s getting impatient and needs the other to do something about the tent forming in his pants.
Jongin doesn’t but only cranes his neck to leave more kisses to his jaw and throat before pulling back to stare at him almost lovingly.
“You know, I really appreciate the way you look at me,” Kyungsoo says in a loss of breath, “But I would like it even more if you kiss me again. I kind of want you.”
He cups Kyungsoo’s face with his hands, stroking a thumb over his cheekbone with a fond smile on his face.
“Do you want me now, Kyungsoo?” Jongin asks.
”Yes.” Kyungsoo begs, fingers digging hard on Jongin’s waist in anticipation.
“How about tomorrow, and the day after that? Will you still want me then?”
“Jongin-“
“I just wanted to hear your answer,” Jongin murmurs. “Before I let you know that…”
The hesitation in his eyes catches Kyungsoo’s attention momentarily, but the singer is too filled with desire to ask and instead lures him in with a deep kiss, a whisper of ‘Later,’ before clothes are quickly disposed and bodies align once more with a much deeper purpose.
It doesn’t take long for Jongin to get Kyungsoo worked up again, kissing and biting into his lips while grinding on top of him, emitting lewd noises from the other.
Eyes meet when he pulls Kyungsoo close, spreading his cheeks apart with hands on his back and his length inches away from the hole, now red from the strain.
Their foreheads align and with one swift move, Jongin lowers Kyungsoo on his lap, lining himself up so that the head nudges against the rim. He grunts in concentration and thinks of the pain Kyungsoo might feel, but the singer has other thoughts in mind and holds his breath, sinking down and taking in as much as he can until the shaft plunges deeper inside him, the warmth causing him to gasp inaudibly.
The ache is almost overwhelming, but Kyungsoo can only form a loose a string of words and whispered curses of ‘fuck’ and ’harder’ because Jongin feels so, so good.
Kyungsoo brings himself up to slam down and meet the other’s thrusts seconds later, and soon they create a rhythm that isn’t too fast nor slow but right, Jongin murmuring a ’Perfect,’ to the other’s skin below his collarbone.
Their bodies rock back and forth, but Jongin kisses Kyungsoo slowly with a hint of something else, a wish of something more than lust. Jongin switches their positions and has Kyungsoo’s back on the floor again, taking him languidly and moaning his name.
Minutes later and the pace picks up, followed by the sound of skin slapping against his own along with moans slipping out from their sinful mouths. Kyungsoo feels the heat slowly surround him, along with something more than the carnal desire that runs through his body with each sensitive touch of the dancer’s fingers.
The answer is in Jongin’s eyes when they meet with his own, along with the sense of belongingness in each other’s arms.
He can hear Jongin loud and clear as he chants his name in devotion, a breathtaking noise in the proximity of this intimate space.
It almost feels like they’ve made a connection--two bodies, but one person.
Could this be it? Kyungsoo thinks.
Could this be the song?
Kyungsoo is so close, but he’s unable to warn Jongin when he touches him, stroking his pulsated flesh until it’s all too much for the singer to handle.
The dancer pulls away from his lips and he whines, but his warm breath fans over his ear with a question in mind.
“Do you hear it, Kyungsoo?” Jongin whispers on the shell of his ear.
”Do you hear the music we make?”
Kyungsoo moans aloud and comes undone after that, body tensing while white substance spurts out of him and into Jongin’s abdomen, also spilling some on the floor. Jongin follows seconds later with a growl of the singer’s name, pulling out once he’s done spilling his own seeds inside the singer.
They lie wasted and spent on the floor from the aftermath, bodies covered with sweat and the smell of musk in the air.
Something feels different, but Kyungsoo listens to the song the evening brings and falls asleep in the warmth of Jongin’s arms.
Kyungsoo’s legs are hanging from arms that support his back and the back of his knees.
He closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep, but he knows that Jongin has carried him to his room, laying him gently on his bed to climb up and cover themselves in his sheets before bringing him in his embrace.
The bed is soft and inviting, but Kyungsoo doesn’t feel the need to sleep anymore. Instead, he hears Jongin’s breathing behind him, a hand tucking the strand of hair in Kyungsoo’s ear before lips gently kiss his nape.
There’s an impregnated silence that follows while fingers trace tentative circles on his back, and instinct tells Kyungsoo that the dancer is thinking of what to say.
The bedroom is quiet except for Jongin’s voice.
“I guess ’later’ didn’t work out today,” He laughs softly.
“I’m not sure if you can hear me now, but the thing that I wanted you to know is something I’ve wanted to say since the day we met…”
“You’ve always been an interesting person to me. You’re talented and amazing, and I want to take a place in your heart. I think I’m in love with you, Kyungsoo.”
When Jongin finally falls asleep, Kyungsoo leaves his bed and rushes out of his apartment before the dancer can convince him to stay.
~
It’s another tedious week of writing sessions for Kyungsoo, and another week since he’s lost contact with Jongin.
The singer finds himself in a tough situation.
But it’s not because he thinks Jongin has forgotten about him. In fact, the dancer has tried calling him once since he left the dancer sleeping in his bed and had walked out, leaving without another word. But because of Kyungsoo and this thing called ‘pride,’ he refuses to answer.
Jongin hasn’t called after that.
The songwriting isn’t doing well for him either.
He can’t put his mind on anything else except the sound of Jongin’s voice and the pleasant whispers when he used to call his name.
He welcomes these thoughts in his head ever since he walked away. These fleeting thoughts of Jongin that appear in sounds and vibrations that remind Kyungsoo of him, like the sound of the dancer’s breathing and the tap of his feet when he takes charge of the dancefloor.
Some thoughts are things such as what he would have said to him.
Saying goodbye would have been a nice way to end things, but Kyungsoo has heard this word too many times for a goodbye to ever be good. Or easy.
Kyungsoo is not sure if he wants to finish whatever they have, but Jongin has given him a part of his heart which he never intended to take. He is too afraid of risking his own heart from the scars and damages that people have left, that the only possible solution for protecting this fragile piece of him is to stop all connection with the dancer and run away from the feelings that want to escape, to run away and listen to the lyrics and songs that his mind leads him to.
If there is one thing that’s clear to the singer, it’s this:
Kyungsoo likes Jongin, and Jongin is in love with Kyungsoo.
Maybe it’s as simple, and even more complicated as that.
Tonight feels lonely, so Kyungsoo decides to drop by one of the clubs within the area and quickly approaches the bar to order a beer.
Kyungsoo observes the people inside, sipping quietly from his beer bottle while watching other people flirt and make the mistakes he’s once made. It leaves him with a bitter taste, and an even more bitter feeling when he sees the heart emojis in people’s eyes and smitten gazes on their faces, acting like they have found their perfect match and have fallen in love.
The singer is not aware that a live band is about to play, so when he spots a familiar blonde mop of hair from the stage, He’s surprised to see a flash of teeth already smiling brightly at him.
Kyungsoo hasn’t seen Chanyeol since their last affair, so seeing him wearing his signature leather jacket and dark skinny jeans is refreshing. He smiles back at the other and sends him a short and friendly wave.
He’s supposed to leave after one bottle, but decides to stick around and watch the vocalist play.
The singer finishes around four more bottles and ends up staying until the last set. Kyungsoo already feels light-headed when the vocalist approaches him with a knowing smirk on his face, eyes staring at him with an indecent intention to take him home.
Instead of a greeting, Chanyeol leans close with an arm wrapped around his waist, digging into his skin with lust while pressing his lips to his ear and whispering a sultry, ’Let’s get out of here.’
Kyungsoo doesn’t say no.
~~
Things shouldn’t feel the way it should.
Having sex with Chanyeol wasn’t always bad, but after their encounter a few days ago, Kyungsoo thinks that maybe it’s because he didn’t want him the way he thought he would-or at least the way he used to.
The singer doesn’t plan on taking a stroll down memory lane today and instead focuses on the piano in front of him inside the training room in the midst of preparation for the acoustic festival.
Kyungsoo plays a note or two trying to work on a new melody, until he’s interrupted by the sudden screech of the door that opens wide and Jongin storming inside with a disappointed look on his face.
“Let’s talk.” Jongin says sternly and through his teeth, nearing the piano and stopping meters away from the singer.
Kyungsoo doesn’t look back but asks, “What’s there to talk about?”
The question catches him off-guard, then he scoffs.
“Well, how about we talk about that night I took you to my apartment, when I woke up the next day and you were already gone. it’s not like you to just leave, Kyungsoo. So why did you leave that night?”
Kyungsoo can’t answer him, because even he doesn’t know why he left Jongin.
Maybe he was afraid.
Maybe Kyungsoo was scared of the idea that there may come a time when Jongin will soon lie to him, and might destroy him if he gives him his heart.
“Was it because you heard what I said?”
He looks up to see crestfallen eyes staring back at him.
“’I think I’m in love with you, Kyungsoo.’ You heard me that night, didn’t you? Is that why you left?”
Kyungsoo freezes at Jongin’s question, at the words uttered to him as if it was the easiest thing to say in the world.
He doesn’t need any of this today and acts like this doesn’t affect him, so he shoots the dancer a glare before saying, “You should go.”
“While you should listen,” Jongin counters. “I’m not going anywhere until you hear what I have to say.”
The singer gets up from his seat, mood completely ruined.
“Then I’ll leave.”
Kyungsoo is about to walk away but the dancer has none of it, quickly pushing him against the mirrored wall with a hand on the other’s chest while blocking his way completely.
“Jongin!” He shouts while trying to push the taller man from him. “Stop!”
The taller holds Kyungsoo in place with hands gripping tight on his shoulders, the pressure on his arms effortlessly weighing him down.
“Why, so you can leave and write a song about me, then turn me into one of your albums?”
That hurt a lot. Jongin’s statement says too much of what he thought of the singer, and that stings more than anything else.
“You’re such an idiot,” Kyungsoo says with tears forming in his eyes. “You’re stupid.”
“And you’re even more,” He answers back. “because I’m in love with you, Kyungsoo, but you left and slept with another man who doesn’t give a shit about you, not like how I do. Is that how you play fair?”
Something swoops in the pit of Kyungsoo’s stomach. He doesn’t know how he found out about Chanyeol, but he isn’t obliged to feel bad about it. He’s unattached and uncommitted, and he doesn’t owe anything to Jongin.
Except maybe a goodbye, but even that was difficult for him.
Kyungsoo doesn’t let the words sink in and is blinded by the fear that overtakes all feelings of longing and affection for the dancer.
“If that’s the only way I can protect myself, then yes. I’ll play the way I want to.”
The singer’s words make Jongin recoil in anger, while the grip on Kyungsoo shoulders grows tighter.
“Goddammit, Kyungsoo!” Jongin shouts and bangs the mirror wall with his fist, the loud and sharp sound frightening the smaller man. “Can’t you see? I love you, but for fuck’s sake you have to stop pushing me away like this. Don’t make me give up on you.”
Kyungsoo wishes he hadn’t said that. No one asked for Jongin to stay, and no one asked him to love the singer. If Jongin was going to stay for the sympathy, then Kyungsoo thinks he might as well leave.
“Then give up, Jongin,” Kyungsoo pleads. “I’ve been hurt too many times. I can’t put my heart at stake again. Not for you, or for anyone else.”
Before he knows what’s happening, Jongin brings him in a long embrace. The warmth is enough to fill his eyes with more tears as he sobs through his mouth.
The dancer pulls away before it can even last.
“You need to know that you’re not the only person who’s hurt, and just because you’ve always been hurt it doesn’t mean it gives you the right to hurt other people too. You need to let people in to take away the pain you’ve felt all this time, but I can’t do that unless you let me, Kyungsoo.”
He’s terrified, because Jongin starts to sound like another ending. But this is what Kyungsoo wants, he thinks he does.
“Your heart is not the only fragile thing at risk, because I’ve put my heart on the line, too. But I figured that it’s all worth it. It could be, because loving you is all the music I need.”
Every part of Kyungsoo feels like it’s going to explode, the pain almost similar to a knife stabbing him.
“I thought that I could break through your walls and burn your bridges. I thought that I could heal your broken heart, and that you could learn how to love again…”
There’s a sad smile on Jongin’s face, along with the tears that start to fall from his eyes.
“But it looks like the joke is on me. Turns out the only thing you learned was how to break mine.”
Jongin is out the room in seconds. When the door is shut with a final click, Kyungsoo falls to his knees and on the floor, crying his heart out.
~
He’s wasted, and he’s fucked by every other boy he’s met at the bar.
Lately Kyungsoo has been coming home every night and coming into his sheets with filthy hands pressed on his waist and indecent lips that kiss every part of him they can reach. It feels gross, and dirty, and forced, but he takes it.
It’s come to a point when Kyungsoo will take anyone that called him beautiful.
He’s taken the pleasure of other men in order to forget the pain, but even the pleasure doesn’t do him any good. It doesn’t make things better.
It’s a pathetic cycle that the singer has gotten used to, along with waking up every morning to cry in his bed and wrap himself in his blanket like a little child; it’s how he’s coped with the emptiness that crawls into his bed with him each time a lover walks out his bedroom door.
The pain has never felt this bad. It’s never felt this real to Kyungsoo, until he realized how much he needed a way of masking the pain.
It was that time in his bedroom when Oh Sehun took him home one night and began an assault on his body with persistent hands travelling down south. Kyungsoo sank down on his hips, and when skin had met with his, dull waves of heat spread further in him--reminding him of something that pulls his fuzzy mind out of the ruthless desire in his gut and lead him to the image of the ballet dancer’s hands pressing into the skin on his hips.
He’s imagined Jongin ever since that night, envisioning the dancer in every man he’s ever touched.
It’s unhealthy, and clinically insane for all he cared. Of course it didn’t feel the same, because nothing was better if it’s not Jongin pressed against him, nothing is pleasing if it’s not Jongin pleasing him.
Despite this, he takes all of the nasty things thrown his way, because he felt shitty about himself and the thought that he’s turned into the real heartbreaker.
He still has the decency to cry about Jongin most times, even about the words he said that chased him away.
He cries because Jongin wasn’t there to cook for him, and because Jongin couldn’t take care of him.
He cries because Jongin had told him that he loved him, but was too afraid to tell him that he loves him too.
Kyungsoo is too late.
And so the lonely singer cries in his bed every morning about the dancer that got away, and about a love that was almost there but not quite.
Just like this morning, before he’s being dragged off his feet and forced into the bathroom by Baekhyun who’s stormed inside the bedroom with the spare key to his house in his hand.
Of course his best friend would know where the key is in case of an emergency-at least this kind of emergency.
He watches with arms crossed and hips cocked in the middle of the doorway while the singer faces the mirror and stares at ugly puffy eyes and disheveled hair staring right back at him. His body has gone skinnier from not being able to eat, and his face looks exhausted from the lack of sleepless nights.
He doesn’t recognize himself anymore.
“What do you see?” Baekhyun asks.
Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders.
“A corpse.” He answers blankly. “I actually feel pretty dead if you ask me.”
“You’re dramatic,” He tells him. “but you’re not dead. You’re standing right here in front of me, wasting your time telling me that ’you’re dead’, when the fact is you’re alive. You’re breathing, and you’re feeling, and you look like shit.”
“I don’t know where you’re getting with this.” Kyungsoo tells him.
The man sighs.
“And I don’t know what happened between you and that dancer, but all I’m saying is that if you’re going to keep being this miserable, at least write a goddamn song about it. I’ve never seen you like this about just anyone, Kyungsoo. Also, you haven’t written about anyone in the past two weeks. I’m starting to worry.”
This is true. Kyungsoo has lost his sense of inspiration and has lost the words that he’s accustomed to forming in his head, but maybe it’s time to stop using people and treating them like lyrics to hit singles.
“You can’t expect me to write about anyone anymore, especially not about Jongin when I messed everything up. I don’t know how to explain this to you, but Jongin’s not just another song anymore, Baekhyun.”
If someone would ask Kyungsoo what Jongin sounds like, he doesn’t have an answer to that. He’s rock, and jazz, and soul, and all genres altogether. He’s the beat that drums in his heart each time it skips, and a note to every sound he makes.
Jongin is not a song, but all the songs at once. Jongin is all the love songs that has ever mattered.
Baekhyun narrows his eyes and looks at the singer while deep in thought.
“It’s astonishing,” He says, “how he means a lot to you.”
Kyungsoo smiles a bit at this. “He means everything to me.”
“Your music means everything to you, too.”
It takes a moment for the words to sink in.
“Maybe that’s why we were bound to meet in the first place,” Kyungsoo realizes. “Maybe that’s why love brought us together.”
“That’s not what Do Kyungsoo, prince of sad love songs, would say.” Baekhyun pipes and laughs. “I kind of like this you now.”
Kyungsoo laughs along, because for the second time around, Baekhyun was right.
Jongin is his music.
And that’s enough to keep him alive.
~
It’s been an hour since he was last on stage, but Kyungsoo still has goosebumps that cover his arms and hairs that stand at the back of his neck. He sits in front of the makeup dresser inside his dressing room, but his mind takes him back to flashing lights and the unknown faces who watched and sang along to the heartbreak songs he was accustomed to singing during his performance.
The rush and aftermath of tonight’s show feels special, and unlike any of the concerts he’s experienced.
Kyungsoo is glad, because he’s done something he never thought he’d be able to do.
He has given people a part of himself that he couldn’t just give away instantly-Kyungsoo has given people his heart, and has shown them the beauty of a potential love.
The last song had come off as a surprise for the audience, but it was much more of a shock for the singer himself.
Baekhyun had warned Kyungsoo that Jongin had been invited to the acoustic festival, but the possibility of the dancer attending was uncertain.
Nonetheless, Kyungsoo came onstage unprepared and unarmed with new material. He doesn’t remember how the music happened, but as soon as his fingers rested on the piano keys with the memory of the ballet dancer in mind, he sang aloud in the hopes that his words would reach Jongin if he stayed to listen to him.
I’ve never seen anything
in much more than you and me,
Oh, I’ve never loved, I’ve never loved,
Never loved someone like this,
All I know is this…
I was sent here for you, Kyungsoo sang, We were made to love… We were made to love…
He followed the beat of Jongin’s music, and the beat of his own fragile heart.
You were sent for me too,
We were made to love,
we were made to love...
This wasn’t a sad love song anymore, but a profession of love.
Kyungsoo is ready to fall in love in Jongin.
Kyungsoo is ready to love Jongin and trust him completely with his heart, ready for Jongin to make him whole again.
He might have lost him now, but maybe if time permits they would cross each others’ paths again, whether it would be in mirrored walls or at bars along the streets.
Suddenly there’s a knock on Kyungsoo’s dressing room door that causes the singer to quickly brush his thoughts off. He opens the door to find Baekhyun standing in front of him with nothing more than a cheeky grin on his face.
Before he can register anything else, the other drags something from behind and is soon shoved in front of him, the force being too quick to see, causing them to stagger inside the dressing room with a squeak escaping Kyungsoo’s mouth.
”Special delivery!” Baekhyun yells from outside. “Have fun and behave!”
The door is shut and Kyungsoo recovers slowly from the push. He hears the soft whisper of an apology, but he isn’t able to focus because all he sees is a large bouquet of pink camellia, and the singer takes a moment to remember the shade of Jongin’s rose blossomed hair.
The thought makes him smile a bit, but he isn’t able to see the face behind the bouquet to thank him properly.
He takes the bouquet from hands that feel strangely amicable to him, but discovers that the reason why the warmth of this particular stranger feels all too familiar is because the man that stands in front of him isn’t a stranger at all-he was never a stranger.
Jongin looks as how he did when he walked away at the training room--beautiful but incapacitated.
His hair is no longer pink but a hazel brown, almost similar to hot cocoa on a cold stormy day.
Kyungsoo still looks the same, but he can say he’s become a bit wiser, and a lot bolder than before.
Their eyes meet briefly, and there’s a combination of joy and despondency in Jongin’s eyes that strikes the singer with a pang of regret.
Kyungsoo feels like suffocating in the excruciating silence inside the room with the only sound of blood rushing in his ears as he tries to calm his breathing over the dangerous beat of his heart.
He doesn’t know where to start, so he thanks Jongin for the flowers and leaves them on top of his makeup dresser.
“They’re pretty,” Kyungsoo says, turning back to the dancer with a small smile on his face. “I… honestly didn’t think you would come.”
Jongin is just as tense as the singer.
“I couldn’t miss it even if I tried.”
Kyungsoo missed Jongin’s voice.
Another moment of silence follows after. The quiet is sickening, and it makes Kyungsoo uncomfortable.
He wants to tell Jongin everything: about his realizations, about his self-loathing and fear about the future and being unloved, about his faults and vulnerability. He doesn’t want to make this conversation a pity party, so he tries to keep things simple and save them from the unwanted sadness.
“You look nice,” Kyungsoo compliments. “You look better.”
This makes Jongin laugh softly.
“Do I?” Jongin asks. “That doesn’t seem right. If there’s anyone who looks better, it’s you. You look amazing, while I’m honestly a mess… and still in love with you.”
Kyungsoo’s heart clenches when he notices the sad smile that forms in his mouth.
“I’m… I’m not any better.”
It’s all that he can say. He feels much worse, knowing that he’s hurt the person that truly loved him.
Words seem harder for him to find in these moments, especially when he’s the one to blame. He takes a great amount of courage in deep breaths, and speaks before the silence can drag any longer.
“I know I hurt you, Jongin.” Kyungsoo starts, “I’ve said a lot of things I didn’t mean, but it was only because I was trying to cover up the pain I’ve felt all these years from people who didn’t deserve me, from people who weren’t you.”
“I’ve said some hurtful things too.” The dancer admits.
“I deserved it. I ruined everything.I used to have thoughts about what it would feel like to steal people’s hearts, to take a delicate piece of them only to destroy them, just like how people have done the same to me. I just didn't think that instead of me doing all the taking, you did too.”
“When I hurt you, I didn’t realize that I was hurting too, until I pushed you away and shut you out. I made the biggest mistake of my life by sheltering my heart from you. But now I’m ready, Jongin. I’m ready to open my heart to you, and I’m ready to give you my heart.”
Jongin doesn’t talk, but his eyes follow Kyungsoo’s words.
“Maybe we can start over and meet each other all over again. Maybe then I’ll find the strength to tell you and sing to you those words you’ve been wanting to hear. All I ask is that you never get tired of me.”
Tears begin to fall from Kyungsoo’s eyes while Jongin takes tentative steps towards him.
When the singer is within his reach, Jongin immediately takes him in his arms with the other bursting to tears. He brushes the tiny fringes on Kyungsoo’s head with his hand and kisses him lightly on his head. Kyungsoo wraps his arms around the taller man and holds him tight, leaving his head to rest on his chest and listen to Jongin’s quick heartbeat.
“About that last song...” Jongin inquires. The singer smiles against his chest and hides his face and the blush in his cheeks from the dancer. "It sounds familiar. It's different too, but I like it."
“It’s a confession, really.” Kyungsoo shares with a tiny laugh. “I’ve vowed to stop writing songs about boys and broken hearts and decided to sing for people who complete them.”
“Hmm,” Jongin hums and takes Kyungsoo’s face in his hands, leaning in to press their lips softly together. ”I’d say it’s my favorite.”
Jongin walks Kyungsoo home that night. The singer even invites him inside to stay over.
Nothing else happens inside, but their bodies lie under Kyungsoo’s sheets with legs intertwined, a kiss goodnight, and the new beginning of tomorrow.
The morning comes and brings along a tension that rises slowly between the pair.
Kyungsoo wakes up to hooded eyes staring back at him in silence with a look that speaks almost a thousand words. The sunlight hits the dancer’s face beautifully, casting a ray of light that compliments his tan complexion, leaving him with the desire to touch him.
He cups his face with one hand, while another rests on the side of his hip, facing the other with a knowing smile.
It’s quiet, and it’s Jongin who kisses him first with caution-careful but also persistent.
They lose themselves in the kiss, and minutes later it’s Kyungsoo who strips them off their clothes, dragging down the thin material of Jongin’s boxers to reveal his swelling flesh and slides down his body to takes all of him into his mouth.
Jongin rolls his eyes in ecstasy with a low breath of ’fuck’ slipping past his mouth from the pleasure of the other's hollowed cheeks and full lips enveloping him, while Kyungsoo takes his time and savors him, moaning at the feeling of Jongin's hand that grabs a fistful of his hair as his length hits the back of his throat and heat pools in his stomach.
It takes a while before the dancer pulls Kyungsoo up to crash their lips together, now hovering above him to align his own body with his while the other appreciates the image of an out of breath Jongin above him. The dancer watches Kyungsoo, admiring the other lying beneath him with a flushed face and skin shining.
Slowing down is not an option when Jongin’s hips snap forward and plunges deep into Kyungsoo, a gasp escaping his mouth and nails digging trails on Jongin’s back.
There’s no preparation and no warning, just the raw sensation of nothing that separates them and the friction of their bodies that rock back and forth into each other, with hips moving relentlessly into a rhythm that only they create.
It’s not enough until it’s all too much. The pace speeds up with Kyungsoo’s vision swimming as he takes in the sight of Jongin over him, sweat dripping furiously from his head with lust blown eyes locked on his own and fingers pressing hard into his skin.
Kyungsoo is filled with a rush of emotions and physical arousal, but it’s the perfect time to weave his hands into the other’s hair to pull him down until they are face to face with a confession slipping from the singer’s mouth.
“I love you.”
It’s three simple words, but it’s all it takes to drive Jongin over the edge. He cries out Kyungsoo’s name, hips stuttering as his seeds fill up inside him. He musters all his strength to help his lover by touching him, stroking Kyungsoo until he spills his own come all over his stomach.
Jongin’s body fails him and flops down next to Kyungsoo, sticking to him with arms and legs once again wrapped around him as if the heat wasn’t agonizing enough.
“I love you.” the dancer smiles in reply, leaving the other with a chaste kiss that he feels all the way to his toes.
Jongin is too worn out and is on the brink of falling asleep again, but he manages to make one last request.
“Can you sing me a song, Kyungsoo?”
The singer can only gaze at him admiringly and asks, “What would you like to hear?”
The dancer laces their fingers together and closes his eyes with a smirk tugging the corner of his mouth. “Anything that doesn’t break my heart.”
Do Kyungsoo would have sung about Jongin and about the love that once tore him into pieces, but now he doesn’t need to.
There will never be a love song about Kim Jongin written by Kyungsoo.
All Kyungsoo ever needs is the ballet dancer right next to him, falling asleep to the sweet melody of his voice as hearts beat in sync to the music they make.