(surprise fic! for everyone) endless, a silent whisper

[parkourdeer]

❊ for: everyone
❊ title: endless, a silent whisper
❊ pairings: kai/d.o
❊ rating: nc17
❊ warnings: drug abuse, incest, character death
❊ word count: 10,000
❊ summary: There only two important things in Jongin’s life… that is dancing and his older brother Kyungsoo. So when Jongin loses both, he destroys his own life.
❊ a/n: First of all, thank you to our mods for allowing me to share this fic. I love reading angst and I’ve really released all my frustrations in this fic. A reminder, this fic contains trigger warning materials, so please don’t take the warnings lightly…read at your own risk.



When everything seems wrong but feels oh so right…
Are you willing to take the step and plunge into depths of uncertainty?

One wrong move and Jongin ends up in the hospital, the joints on his right leg were dislocated in different angles. One wrong move and Jongin ends up in a wheelchair for several months to come. Jongin feels like he lost his everything.

There is only one thing that Jongin loves aside from the person he holds in his heart so dearly and that is dancing. Growing up in family where wealth was abundant, Jongin had everything he wanted. At the age of six, he discovers his interest in ballet, so he tells his parents about it and they enrolled him in one of the best dance school in Korea. His interest spikes up to different genres and Jongin excels in everything he tries.

But all their wealth comes with a prize; Jongin grew up barely knowing his own parents. As a kid he cries over it… he whines whenever he needs his mother but his parents are always too busy to attend to them. There is only one person that fills all those gaps in Jongin’s life and that is his dearest brother, Kyungsoo.

Growing up, Kyungsoo was always there for him, he was there on Jongin’s first recital… he was there when Jongin got his first trophy, he was there when Jongin danced for his first school play, he was there…right by Jongin’s side when Jongin received the offer from the best performing Arts school for his college.

Jongin thinks that Kyungsoo will always be there…but of course that is not the case.

On one of Jongin’s darkest hour…Kyungsoo wasn’t there to hold his arm and keep him sane.

Kyungsoo enlisted for the military a month before the accident. Their parents were halfway across the world and Jongin refused to tell them what happened, not that it really matters to him whether his parents are there for him or not. Jongin only wanted Kyungsoo, he only needed Kyungsoo to tell him that he’ll get through this, that everything will be okay… but Kyungsoo wasn’t there with him. Kyungsoo was nowhere near him at the time he needed him most.

Emptiness… Jongin went on each day with a big hole in his chest. The doctors said that it will take a while until he can walk again but what crushed Jongin to the core was the fact that he can never dance again.

Dance was his everything along with Kyungsoo and now he lost both.

Kyungsoo takes in a deep breath; finally he finished the mandatory military service. After two years, he can finally go back to his home and he’s more that excited to see Jongin again.

Kyungsoo pays the cab with a wide smile on his face. He takes big strides towards their house and once he opens the door, he calls out for his younger brother. Their family butler emerges from the dining room and immediately greets him.

“Master Kyungsoo, you are back! You could have informed us that about your arrival, I could have picked you up…” The butler bows and greets Kyungsoo with a smile.

“It’s okay Jongdae, I was too excited to get back, it slipped my mind to give you a call. Anyway where is everyone?”

“Your parents are out of the country for a business trip, Master Jongin…” Jongdae pauses a bit before going on. “Master Jongin is in his room…”

“Ok, it was nice seeing you again Jongdae…” Kyungsoo pats the butler’s shoulder and heads for the stairs only to be stopped by Jongdae.

“Uhm, Master Kyungsoo… are you going to Master Jongin’s room?” the butler awkwardly asks and Kyungsoo nods.

“Uhm, Master Kyungsoo, I don’t think it’s the best time to go to his room, how about you take a rest in your room and I’ll bring snacks over…” Jongdae suggests but it only earned a questioning look from Kyungsoo.

“Why? Is Jongin getting grumpy again everytime he’s disturbed from his sleep? Don’t worry… I know how to deal with it…” Kyungsoo smiles at the memory of his grumpy brother whenever he wakes him up every morning.

Kyungsoo takes another step only to be stopped by the butler again.

“Is there something wrong, Jongdae? Why don’t you want me to go to Jongin’s room?” Kyungsoo asks and notice how Jongdae stiffens.

“Master Jongin is not in his best mood right now…”

“I told you its okay… I’m his brother; I know how to deal with him…” Kyungsoo confidently answers but the weariness on the butler’s face doesn’t disappear, so Kyungsoo knows there’s more to it than just Jongin’s mood.

“Jongdae…what’s the matter? Is there something wrong with my brother?”

The butler takes a deep breath and finally answer Kyungsoo’s query. “Master Jongin is a bit high, right now…”

“High? What do you mean by high?” Kyungsoo quirks his eyebrows in confusion, that is until something clicks in his mind.

“Are you implying that my brother is using drugs?!” Kyungsoo shrieks but the butler just guiltily looks down.

Kyungsoo gasps at the other’s action; he took the butler hands off him and runs upstairs and straight to Jongin’s room. It doesn’t have a door knob anymore, so Kyungsoo just pushes the door open and Kyungsoo heaves at the sight before him.

Jongin was staring at the ceiling and was just smiling at nothing. There are noticeable dark bags under his brother’s eyes and his entire face is just sluggish. Kyungsoo can see how much his brother lost weight since the last time he saw him and it breaks his heart to see him like this.

“J-Jongin…” Kyungsoo weakly calls out… his brother looks at him for a brief moment before staring back at the ceiling.

“Jongin…” Kyungsoo calls his brother again but the latter didn’t respond this time. “Jongin…Jongin…”

Kyungsoo tries to walk toward the bed but is stopped by Jongdae again; the butler shakes his head and slowly pulls Kyungsoo out of the room.

Kyungsoo was confused, he wants to know what happened for the past two years that cause the drastic change in his brother and most of all why didn’t anybody told him about it.

“What was that?!” Kyungsoo asks once they reached the living room. “Why is Jongin like that?!”

“Master Jongin took drugs last night but don’t worry, we already sent a doctor to look after him this morning…” the butler explains.

“How long had he been using and why aren’t mom and dad doing anything about it?!” Kyungsoo rakes his hair in frustration; he wanted so badly to understand what was going on.

“We tried to put Master Jongin in a rehabilitation center but things didn’t work out, he just escapes and tries to hurt himself in the center. He threatened your parents that he will kill himself if they forced him to go to rehab again…”

“If he’s already suicidal shouldn’t they insisted for more help? Oh, let me guess… our parents are too busy again to even save their own son’s life?”

“You know how your parents are Master Kyungsoo…” Jongdae sighs.

“Yeah, they are the kind of people that doesn’t deserve to be called parents.” Kyungsoo slams his fist on the coffee table. “So what now? they just let Jongin take the drugs and sends a doctor afterwards to check if he’s still breathing? What the hell is wrong with you people?!”

“We monitor the drugs he takes…” Jongdae answers almost inaudible.

“That is just sick…this is freaking illegal. You should have made him stop instead of monitoring what he takes. Jongdae, why didn’t you stop him?”

“I tried, Master Kyungsoo. God knows how much I tried to make Master Jongin stop but everytime we stop him, he sneaks out and acquires a far more dangerous drug and that scares us more. This is the only way to keep him here.” Tears are brimming on the butler’s eyes, he genuinely cares for the two brothers and it pains him how he couldn’t do anything to save Jongin.

“Why… why is Jongin doing this to himself? When did he start using drugs?” Kyungsoo fights back his own tears.

“The first time I caught him was two months after the accident...”

“Wait…Accident? What accident?” Kyungsoo was once again confused… just how much was being kept secret from him.

“Master Jongin had an accident at one of his recital. He suffered from the serious injury, the doctors even said that he will not be able to dance anymore…but of course Master Jongin didn’t believe them at first, so when he was able to walk again, he tried to dance only to realize that the doctors were right. Master Jongin couldn’t even properly bend his knees, much more dance.”

“Oh, God! Dancing was the only thing that makes him happy, no wonder he wanted to destroy his life.” Kyungsoo buries his face on his palms, tears cascading down his cheeks. “Again, why didn’t anyone tell me about this?”

“Master Jongin told us not to tell you, he said that it will just distract you from your training… then weeks later I found him in his room, almost passed out from the drugs he took.” Jongdae replies.

“He needed me and I wasn’t there for him. I failed him…this was all my fault…” Kyungsoo guiltily cries into his own hands, he knows how fragile his brother was and he failed him at the time he was needed most.

Jongdae approaches him and wraps his arms on Kyungsoo’s shoulder to comfort the other. He wanted to say that it wasn’t Kyungsoo’s fault, but they both know how much Jongin depended on his brother and if Kyungsoo wasn’t in the military at that time, things will surely not end this way. The butler remembers all those night when Jongin screams and cries for his brother but Kyungsoo couldn’t hear it…Kyungsoo couldn’t be there for him.

“But you are here now, Master Kyungsoo…I’m sure he will listen to you, I know it’s not too late to save him.” Jongdae encourages the sobbing boy. Kyungsoo looks at him and sees the hope in the butler’s eyes.

“You are right, Jongdae…I’m here…I’m back. I’ll do anything to save my brother….” Kyungsoo wipes the tears on his face and with determination; he vowed to himself that he will bring the old Jongin back.

Later that night, Kyungsoo was barely touching his food when Jongdae emerged from the kitchen with a tray of food, probably for Jongin.

“How is Jongin now?” Kyungsoo asks making the butler stop.

“Master Jongin is okay, you can now talk to him if you want to…”

“Good, then let me have that… I’ll take it to him myself…” Kyungsoo stands up from his seat and took the tray from the butler. Jongdae hands it to him with a smile and silently prays that things will start working out for good.

Kyungsoo pushes the Jongin’s door open and immediately spots his brother, sitting on his bed while watching the television.

“Oh, so it’s true. You are back, I thought I was just hallucinating when I saw you earlier…” Jongin chuckles coldly when he saw his older brother enter his room with his food. “You can just put it there, Hyung… I don’t know why you brought my food but thank you…” Jongin points at the coffee table not far from him but Kyungsoo didn’t put the food there, instead he continue walking to Jongin’s bed and put the tray on the younger’s bed.

Kyungsoo grabs the spoon and scooped some rice and meat before lifting it up to Jongin’s mouth. “Say ahhh…” Kyungsoo playfully singsongs but Jongin just scowled at him.

“I can still use my hands… I can feed myself. Why don’t you go ahead and rest in your room Hyung, I’m pretty sure you miss your bed…” Jongin says without even looking at his brother.

“I missed you more Jongin-ah…” Kyungsoo gently caress his brother’s arm, trying his best to smile.

“I know, you know that I am no longer the same Jongin from before...so don’t try to hide your disappointment in me, I know Jongdae already told you about what I am now…and stop looking at me like that…I don’t need your pity…” Jongin looks at him for a second before bringing his attention back to the television.

“Jongin…” Kyungsoo tries to move closer but Jongin moves back.

“I want to be alone Hyung…please…”

“Jongin…we need to---“

“I said I want to be alone!” Jongin’s voice raises an octave and Kyungsoo flinches.

“Fine…I’ll give you what you want this time, but let me remind you that I’m here to stay now and I won’t stop until you talk to me Jongin… I won’t let you waste your life away…” Kyungsoo stands up from the bed but Jongin still doesn’t look his way. “Eat your dinner…”

Kyungsoo gazes at his brother for a while before walking out of the door to give Jongin the space he wanted.

That night, Kyungsoo lies restless in his own bed; he regrets not being there for Jongin. His brother changed a lot these past two years and it breaks his heart that the changes are not good for Jongin. He looks around his room and his mind flies back to those happy memories of the time he and Jongin spend in it.

Jongin and Kyungsoo grew up barely knowing their own parents but despite the lack of parental love, the two brothers were satisfied with just having each other. Kyungsoo had only been protective of his brother, three years younger than him. He always look out for Jongin, he tries his best to fill in the huge gap that their parents left behind. He loves his younger brother him…he adores him and wants nothing but the best for him.

But what was supposed to be innocent brotherly love took a drastic change that one summer night.

Jongin storms in Kyungsoo’s room with a big scowl on his face. “Hyung!”

“Hmm?” Kyungsoo hums in response; he was busy tuning his guitar to notice his brother’s fury.

“Is Hani noona really just your bestfriend? Taemin hyung told me he saw the two of you kissing…” Jongin stomps his feet like a child in front of his older brother.

“Hani? Yeah, we kinda kissed…” Kyungsoo answers, still tuning his guitar.

“Kinda kissed? Why did you kiss her?! Is she your girlfriend now?” Jongin angrily throws questions at him.

“It was just a kiss, Jongin… why are you so worked up by it?”

“It’s not just a kiss! Is she your girlfriend or not?!” Jongin grabs his brother’s arms to get all of his attention.

“She’s not! She’s my bestfriend and we were both curious about it, so we kissed… we were just trying how it would feel to be kiss by someone…there was nothing to it but a mere experiment…” Kyungsoo yanks his arm back but Jongin suddenly grabs his guitar and put it on the floor.

Jongin pushed Kyungsoo on the bed and immediately move to straddle him. He was holding both of Kyungsoo’s wrists so tightly, the older was already wincing in pain.

“If you’re curious about something, come to me and not Hani. If you want to try something then do it with me and not with anybody else…” Jongin continues to pin his brother on the bed.

“What are you talking about? Get off me, you’re darn heavy Jongin!” Kyungsoo tries to push his brother away but Jongin was stronger than him.

“No, Hyung! I’m serious!” Jongin leans in and stop when their faces were just inches from each other. “I’m curious on how your lips taste, Hyung… would you let me kiss you too?”

“J-Jongin w-what…” Kyungsoo feels so hot and he feels how his heart was beating uncontrollably but his mind had gone blank of a proper answer to Jongin.

“Hyung…” Jongin stares at Kyungsoo’s lips and then to his eyes. Their eyes met and the look on Kyungsoo’s eyes was all that Jongin needed to close the distance between them.

Hold me in closer, dont let go of me
Now we close our eyes and let go to the night
The night we feel alive.

Kyungsoo didn’t know why he let Jongin kiss him but the moment that their lips touched, his mind stopped working. His lips moved on his own as he reciprocate the kiss. That day, Kyungsoo discovered how sinful Jongin’s lips were.

“~Hnggg~~” Jongin moaned into the kiss and started grinding his front on Kyungsoo’s.

Jongin moaned again and that finally pulled Kyungsoo back to reality and he finally had the strength to push Jongin off him.

“J-Jongin!” Kyungsoo was catching his own breath. “Why did you do that?”

“I like you, Hyung…more than a brother. I want you to be mine and I’ll only be yours…” Jongin confesses.

“But I am your brother! You were not supposed to like me like that!” Kyungsoo scolds, his hands were on Jongin’s chest to stop the other from coming closer.

“But hyung… I can’t stop my heart if it chooses you… I really like you, Hyung…”

“Jongin, stop it!... stop this!” Kyungsoo pushed Jongin fully off his bed. “Please, Jongin… whatever it is… stop it…you can’t like me like that…” Kyungsoo stands up from his bed and locks himself in his bathroom.

“Hyung, open up…do you hate me now?” Jongin dejectedly stood right outside the door. “Hyung?...please talk to me. Don’t push me away like this…hyung…please.”

“Jongin…” Kyungsoo opens the door and faces Jongin. “I don’t hate you; it’s just that this is not right?”

“Hyung, stop thinking about us being brothers for a second and answer me… when I kissed you, did it felt wrong? Did you not like it?” Jongin traps Kyungsoo against the bathroom door.

“J-Jongin…”

“Don’t lie to me hyung…” Jongin reaches out a hand to caress Kyungsoo’s cheeks, the younger of the two boldly staring at the other.

“J-Jongin”

“Wouldn’t it be a lot easier if you just flat out say ‘no’… why do you keep on calling my name instead of just saying ‘no’. How about you stop lying to yourself and admit that you are attracted to me too, regardless of us being brothers.” Jongin steps closer and continue to stare challengingly at his brother.

“J-Jongin…”

“One more call of my name and I’ll kiss you again…” Jongin challenges.

“This is wrong…” Kyungsoo retorts.

“Doesn’t mean you don’t like it too…” Jongin smirks and didn’t waste any more time to capture Kyungsoo’s lips again.

Kyungsoo’s body can’t lie because once Jongin’s lips landed on his, his body acted on its own and submitted to Jongin’s wants. Kyungsoo knows what they were doing was wrong but Jongin was right about one thing… he had always been attracted to his younger brother and he tried everything to ignore it but now that it’s Jongin who confessed first, Kyungsoo couldn’t help but give in.

All rationality in Kyungsoo flew out of the window once Jongin starts undressing him. He knows where things were heading and honestly he doesn’t want Jongin to stop. Kyungsoo allowed Jongin to take him, he allowed Jongin to satisfy both of their lustful needs.

The night belongs to us
Were caught in a world of our own
We cling to the hope it would change for us

Things escalated from then on, there was a silent agreement between the two that they will continue whatever it is that they have and keep it a secret to everyone. It goes on for over a year but things changed after that one time that Hani walked in on them while they were having sex.

Kyungsoo curses aloud and hurriedly cleans the cum off him as much as he can before dressing up and ran after his bestfriend.

“Where is Hani?” Kyungsoo asks Jongdae when he meets him in the hallway.

“Ms. Hani said she’s just gonna go home, Master…” The butler answers and Kyungsoo briefly thanked him before rushing out to his car.

Kyungsoo enters Hani’s house without a word and head straight to Hani’s bedroom. He frantically knocks on Hani’s door once he reached it and when it opened; Hani immediately pulls him inside and locks her door.

“Can you please freaking explain to me, what I saw!” Hani demands.

“H-Hani…” Kyungsoo nervously bites his lips and wearily watch Hani walking back and forth in front of him.

“Kyungsoo! Jongin was fucking you…I clearly saw that, now please tell me that it was the first time between you two…”

Kyungsoo couldn’t look into his bestfriend’s eyes and answer the question, so he just shook his head and immediately he hears Hani gasps.

“How long?”

“A y-year…”

“A year?!?... Kyungsoo…” Hani grabs his bestfriend’s arms. “Do you like him?”

“I don’t know…” Kyungsoo rakes his hair in frustration. “I don’t know if it was just the sex or it was something else… I don’t know Hani… I just couldn’t say no to him. Please Hani, don’t tell anyone about what you saw…please…”

Hani can see how conflicted Kyungsoo looked and he knows that the other was worrying about being judged, so she sat beside Kyungsoo and hugs him while resting her head on her bestfriend’s shoulder.

“I may not understand whatever it is that you and Jongin have but Soo, I’m your bestfriend and regardless of whatever it is, I’ll always be here for you. I always got your back, so don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” Hani continue to comfort Kyungsoo.

“Thanks Hani…” Kyungsoo was finally able to breathe freely once he hears Hani’s support. He knows that he can really trust her.

“Okay, Soo… you know I love you but you need to go home and take a shower…you still kinda reek of his you know…’body fluids’…” Hani cringes his nose and jokingly steps away from his bestfriend.

“Can’t I just take a shower here?”

“Oh no… again, I love you… you are my bestfriend but no… ewwww no! I don’t want Jongin’s body fluids anywhere near my bathroom floor.” Hani runs to her bathroom door and blocks it.

Kyungsoo chuckles at his bestfriend and bids her goodbye. He was happy that Hani was willing to accept him despite of what she saw, however when he reached the mansion, the weary feeling comes back again and when he entered his room, Jongin was still there.

“What are you still doing here? Go sleep in your own room…” Kyungsoo wakes the sleeping boy on his bed.

“I don’t want to, why don’t you just join me….” Jongin sleepily answered and attempted to pull Kyungsoo beside him but his brother yanked his arms away.

“What’s wrong hyung?” Jongin quickly noticed the sudden change in Kyungsoo’s mood.

“This! This is all wrong Jongin! What if the next time someone walked in on us, it would be mom or dad or someone who won’t keep their mouth shut! Jongin, we have to stop this before things gets worse…before we totally forget what our relationship to each other really is. I am your brother and we can’t go on like this forever… this is not right!”

“Is that what Hani said?” Jongin irritably sits up on the bed.

“No, Hani was willing to understand me but that doesn’t change the fact that we shouldn’t be doing this! I’m the older one, I should have known better. I shouldn’t have give in so easily… this is all my fault.” Kyungsoo clutches his head in frustration.

Jongin can see how Kyungsoo was having a hard time; he moved closer and wraps his arms around his brother. “Shhh… I know Hani walking in on us scared you, we’ll be a lot careful next time. We are in this together; we can work this out, my love…”

“No, Jongin…”Kyungsoo took Jongin’s hand off him. “I made up my mind, let’s end this. I will be stronger this time and make things right. I’m putting an end to this sick relationship now…we are going back to being just normal brothers and nothing else.” He steps away from his brother and kept his distance.

“No! I don’t want this… we are not putting an end to anything!” Jongin took big strides to where Kyungsoo is and easily pushed him on the wall, he was always been physically stronger than Kyungsoo.

“I said I don’t want this anymore…are you gonna force me now?” Kyungsoo challenged, his eyes bravely meeting Jongin’s eyes with a hard gaze.

“Don’t do this to me hyung, I can’t do this…” Jongin pleads, Kyungsoo was right; he can never force his brother.

“You can and you will…get out of my room Jongin…” Kyungsoo maintained his straight face and pries Jongin’s hands off him.

“It’s over Jongin, I’m not changing my mind.” Kyungsoo gently pushed Jongin back before heading to his own bathroom, leaving Jongin sobbing where he left him.

Jongin knows that there were finality in Kyungsoo’s words and with a heavy heart he leaves his brother’s room. He quickly put on whatever he could grab in his closet and storms out of the mansion… suddenly his own house feels suffocating, he needed to get out.

Jongin drove aimlessly until he ended up in a club. He was determined to wash all his sorrow away. Jongin has already been drinking in his booth alone for an hour straight when someone approached him.

“Heartbreak?” The stranger asks as he took a seat beside him.

“I’ve been fucking my brother for over a year and now he suddenly want to call it quits…” Jongin replied drunkenly and didn’t even think on filtering his own words.

“Oh! Forbidden love eh? That must be painful, I can help you if you want, I know a way to forget…” The stranger smirks.

Jongin lifts his face to meet the strangers gaze, to him… he desperately needed to forget the pain and for the stranger… Jongin was the perfect prey, rich and depressed… the stranger knows how to play his cards right.

“I’m Sehun…” The stranger stands up only to transfer on Jongin’s lap. “…and this is a solution...” Sehun shows Jongin a small white pill with a bright red heart in the middle. He then put it on the tip of his mouth before showing Jongin how he was playing with it inside his mouth…making the pill roll with his tongue and teeth.

“I’ll help you forget...kiss me…” Sehun leans in, briefly kissing the side of Jongin’s mouth before pulling away.

But Sehun haven’t leaned back far enough when Jongin grabbed his neck and pulled him closer. Sehun smiled into the kiss and expertly transfers the pill in his mouth into Jongin’s. They kissed and grinded on each other without a care on who will see them.

Jongin wakes up the next day with a banging headache, naked and in a place he doesn’t know where. He tries to sit up but everytime he does, he feels like the room was spinning. He groans in despair and rubs his temples to ease the pain.

“Oh, you’re finally up…” Someone approached Jongin, who he barely remembered as Sehun.

Sehun gives him a glass of water and aspirin. Jongin took the glass but stares at the pill in Sehun’s hand.

“Don’t worry, it’s just an ordinary aspirin…for the hangover.” Sehun chuckles and push the pill in Jongin’s mouth.

“You…gave me ecstasy last night right?” Jongin lies back on the bed.

“Yes and you also fucked me here last night…why? do you regret it?” Sehun eyed him carefully.

“N-No…uhm… “Jongin seemed to be self conscious for a minute before taking a deep breath and confidently look at Sehun. “Can I have another one, I’m willing to pay if I need to…”

“I knew you’ll like it…” Sehun laughs. “Since you fucked me so damn good last night, I’m willing to give you another one for free but not after you eat something. Let’s also give your body a few more hours to recover before I give you another one, I don’t want you overdosing here in my apartment.”

“Well then, can I stay here for a while?” Jongin boldly asks, not even caring that the man before him is still a total stranger. For Jongin, anywhere was better than going home.

“Well, are you willing to give me what I want?” Sehun bit his lip and run a finger on Jongin’s exposed member. Jongin quickly understand what Sehun wanted and he nods his head in agreement.

“Good, then you can stay as long as you want. I can also give you more drugs if you want to…” Sehun smirks and moves on Jongin’s lap. He fiercely kissed Jongin and the other reciprocated it with the same intensity. It didn’t take long until Sehun was already putting Jongin’s hard member into his still sore ass.

Jongin stayed with Sehun for a week, he tried ecstasy two more times, only when he remembers Kyungsoo the most. Often times, fucking Sehun would keep him sated and not think about what happened between him and his brother. Jongin didn’t asked for anymore drugs after his third use, yes it makes him forget but he still knows how it could affect his body. He still have a dream and at that moment dancing was the only thing that is keeping Jongin from fully destroying himself.

“Jongin! where have you been?” Kyungsoo quickly interrogates his brother after disappearing for a week.

“My friends…” Jongin answers without lifting his gaze off the clothes that he was packing.

“I called Yixing and the guys, they didn’t knew where you were. Jongin, if you think that guilt tripping me will make me change my mind then you’re wrong…”

“I am not guilt tripping you hyung. We’re over, I get it! Now would you mind? I want to take a shower first before heading to Yixing’s.” Jongin grabs his towel by the rack.

“Dance camp?”

“Yeah, I really want to go take a shower now, hyung…” Jongin walks towards his bathroom door but Kyungsoo stops him again.

“Jongin…” Kyungsoo grabs his arms to get his attention.

“What?”

“I enlisted…”

Jongin’s eyes widen for a moment before it goes back to its bored state. “Okay… be careful out there hyung…” Jongin fakes a smile and pulls his arms from Kyungsoo before he entered his bathroom and locked himself in.

That day was the last day that Kyungsoo sees Jongin before he left for his military service.

Kyungsoo woke up early the next day to cook a very special breakfast for Jongin. He personally prepared everything for his brother and when all that was done, he excitedly carries the tray of food to Jongin’s bedroom.

“Jongin…hyung made breakfast….” Kyungsoo happily enters the room but once he saw what Jongin was doing, he immediately put the tray down and rushes to stop Jongin from taking another pill.

“Jongin stop it!” Kyungsoo snatches the drug and throws it out the window.

“What the fuck hyung! That was expensive!” Jongin glares at his brother.

“I don’t care; even if it was worth millions…you are gonna stop taking those drugs!!!” Kyungsoo scolds.

“And why the fuck do you suddenly care Hyung?” Jongin laughs mockingly. “You left me, remember? Now, how dare you tell me what to do when you weren’t there when I needed you the most! I needed you to be there for me Hyung, but you weren’t…so stop acting like you really care!”

“I do care! Jongin. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when the accident happened but I’m back now, so let me make it up to you. Let me help you…” Kyungsoo tried to reach out for his brother’s hand but Jongin yanks it away.

“I don’t need help so just leave me alone.”

“Jongin…”

“I said get out! I don’t want to talk to you!!!”

It goes on for days, Kyungsoo always wanting to reach out to Jongin and Jongin constantly pushing him away. It’s been two months since Kyungsoo got back and he barely made progress, Jongin still ignores him but at least his drug intake lessen since Kyungsoo was constantly on watch. Even if it was hard and frustrating, Kyungsoo doesn’t gives up, he knows Jongin needs him to be strong and he promised to himself that he won’t leave Jongin alone again.

Kyungsoo just got back from doing some personal groceries and he heads up to check on Jongin. When he opens the door, he noticed that Jongin wasn’t on his bed, he walks over and checks the bathroom and that is when he sees Jongin about to stick a needle.

“Jongin, no! stop!” Kyungsoo didn’t think twice and seize the syringe off Jongin’s hands. “I told you to stop doing this Jongin!”

“You don’t understand… I need it!!!” Jongin steps forward and attempts to snatch the syringe from Kyungsoo.

“NO! you don’t need this! How many times do I have to tell you that this is not a solution!” Kyungsoo fights back, making sure that Jongin won’t have the syringe again.

“Just let do what I want to do Kyungsoo!” Jongin pushes Kyungsoo and tries to reach out for the syringe but Kyungsoo slips and hits his head on the sink, the syringe’s needle ended up buried in Kyungsoo’s arm.

“Kyungsoo? Hyung?” Jongin kneels and taps Kyungsoo’s cheeks to wake him up but the older of the two won’t open his eyes.

Jongin tries to cradle his brother’s head but then he felt something wet on his palm, his eyes grew wide when he realize that it was blood.

“Jongdae! Jongdae! Help!” Jongin hurriedly calls for their butler and Jongdae appeared in his room within the minute.

“Master!” Jongdae rushes to Kyungsoo’s side and check his vitals. He carries the injured boy to the car and rushes him to the hospital.

They had just transferred Kyungsoo to the gurney when his body started to shake uncontrollably, more nurse rushes to his side and immediately wheeled him in one of the emergency rooms.

Jongin tried to go after his brother but Jongdae stopped him. “They will take care of him, Master Jongin…”

“But why did he started shaking? I didn’t mean to harm him, Jongdae… I swear…I didn’t mean to harm hyung…” Jongin looked at his blood stained hands and fear engulfs him. Tears falls on his face, he is scared of losing Kyungsoo in the worst way possible.

“Calm down, Master Jongin… Master Kyungsoo will be okay” Jongdae comforts the other boy and silently prays that Kyungsoo’s injuries weren’t that serious.

Jongdae quickly informs Kyungsoo and Jongin’s parents while Jongin calls Hani and it didn’t take long until Kyungsoo’s bestfriend arrives at the hospital.

“What happened Jongin? Where is Kyungsoo?”

“We fought over the syringe and I didn’t mean to, I swear… I pushed him and he slipped. I didn’t mean to harm him, Hani…please believe me…” Jongin was still crying and Hani is quick to wrap her arms around his bestfriend’s brother.

“Yes, I believe you… it was an accident. Shhh… Kyungsoo wouldn’t want you blaming yourself…” Hani gently pats Jongin’s back.

The doctor finally approaches them after a few hours and updates them on Kyungsoo’s status. Kyungsoo’s head injury wasn’t that serious but what caused the small seizure was the allergic reaction of Kyungsoo’s body to the chemical on the syringe. The doctors advised them to keep Kyungsoo in the hospital for a few more days until they are sure that all the harmful chemicals are flushed away from Kyungsoo’s body.

Jongin feels more guilty after hearing that and when they transferred Kyungsoo to his private room… Jongin quickly sat beside him and hold his hand.

“Hyung, I’m sorry… I’m sorry hyung…please wake up. I promise to change hyung, just please…please wake up…I’m so sorry…” Jongin sobs by his brother’s side.

“The doctors said that he‘s safe now, he just need a lot of rest. Kyungsoo will probably wake up tomorrow morning. How about you go home and take a rest, I’ll look over him for tonight…” Hani suggests but Jongin was quick to protest.

“No, I won’t leave his side. I’ll stay here until he wakes up…”

Hani and Jongdae didn’t argue anymore, they understand why Jongin was acting that way so they just let him be.

What happened to Kyungsoo woke Jongin up from his problematic state. It was his drugs that harmed Kyungsoo and Jongin doesn’t want that to happen again. He promised that he will try and change for Kyungsoo and his brother was more than happy to hear that.

Getting out of a drug addiction doesn’t happen overnight. There were times that Jongin’s body craves for the blissful feeling that the drugs gave him but whenever he feels like he was about to give in, he seeks for Kyungsoo and honestly tells him what he feels. And everytime that happens, Kyungsoo would stay by his side and do whatever they could think of to take Jongin’s mind off the drugs. Most of the times, Kyungsoo would hug him tightly until he falls asleep.

For two months, Jongin stayed clean and he doesn’t crave about the illegal substance that much anymore. Kyungsoo was glad to see his brother gaining his old self back and he wished for nothing but for Jongin to continue recovering.

But just as things were starting to go back to normal, something just has to ruin it again.

“Is something wrong, Hani?” Kyungsoo asks his bestfriend when he noticed how exhausted Hani looked like.

“How is Jongin doing?”

“He’s good; he’s doing everything he can to fully recover…” Kyungsoo smiled proudly at his brother’s determination to change for the better.

“Well, that’s good to hear but uhm… Soo… there is something that I need to tell you…” Hani bites his lips nervously.

“Hani…” Kyungsoo moves closer and wrap his arms around Hani’s shoulder. “…just tell me whatever it is that is bothering you, I’m your bestfriend and I will do everything that I can to help you…”

“Kyungsoo, I’m ten weeks pregnant…” Hani suddenly blurts out.

Kyungsoo eyes grew wide and he stares at his bestfriend… a thousand questions going through his mind.

“It was that night, Soo…” Hani answers as if she read Kyungsoo’s mind.

Of course, Kyungsoo remembers that night. He was too frustrated with Jongin’s stubbornness and he runs to his bestfriend to unwind. Hani, herself was going through an awful break up and the two decided to have a couple of drinks. The next thing they knew they woke up beside each other and completely naked underneath the blanket.

They both know that something happened between them the night before. They both know that no one forced the other and that they just acted on pure urges. Kyungsoo and Hani decided to just accept what happened and if something was to be a product of it, they both decided that they would both take responsibility for it.

And now, two and a half months after, Hani announces that she is pregnant with Kyungsoo’s child.

Hani started crying and Kyungsoo was quick to hug his bestfriend.

“I promised to take responsibility if ever this happens and I don’t have any plans of breaking that promise. I will take care of you Hani, don’t worry about it…” Kyungsoo wipes the tears on his bestfriend’s face and smiles at her.

“I’m sorry, Soo. I know you are still going through a lot with Jongin but I just can’t keep it a secret for too long…”

“It’s okay…in fact you should have told me sooner so you didn’t have to deal with this alone. I’m here for you…”

“But how about Jongin?” Hani asks, she is really concerned on how Jongin will take the news.

“I’ll talk to him, I’ll make him understand the situation. I can’t just abandon you and my kid, just because of his problem. I mean, he is my brother and I care for him but you and our child is important too.”

“It is nice to know that you are ready to fight for us but how about we just take Jongin with us…” Hani suggests.

“You are willing to do that?”

“Of course, I know you never stopped loving him and it would be too much if I take you away from him besides I also care for Jongin, I don’t want him to lose the progress of his recovery because of this.”

“Thank you Hani…”

“Thanks Soo…”

Of course, making Jongin understand the situation was easier said than done. After Kyungsoo had finally told him the truth, Jongin’s initial reaction was to yell at Kyungsoo.

“Do you really have to marry her? You don’t even love her!”

“Of course I have to marry her and Hani had always been my bestfriend and she is special to me from the very start. I really don’t mind having a family with her…” Kyungsoo truthfully replies. “Jongin, I need to do this… the child and Hani deserves a family…”

“How about me? Don’t I deserve to be happy too? Don’t I deserve you?” Jongin grabs Kyungsoo’s hand and held it.

“Jongin, you deserve the best… and that is not me. Our relationship doesn’t have a future… we can’t be together…”

“Says who?”

“Everyone!”

“So you are just gonna give me up like that? again? I know I am not perfect but I am trying my best to fully get over my addiction. Hyung, please… I would do everything, just please….please don’t marry Hani…”

“I can’t do that Jongin, Hani and my kid are my responsibility now…”

“And I am nothing but your problematic brother…” Jongin stands up and storms out of the room.

Kyungsoo ran after him but Jongin locked himself at one of the guestrooms.

“Jongin, open up!” Kyungsoo furiously knocks on the door.

Jongin opens it up a little. “I get it, Hyung. Don’t worry, I won’t try anything harmful… I just want to be alone…” then he slams the door close again.

Kyungsoo gets ignored after that, Jongin doesn’t talk to him anymore…most of the time, he would just be in his room and doesn’t acknowledge Kyungsoo presence whenever the other walks in to check on him. Kyungsoo tries to explain the situation more but Jongin doesn’t say anything about it anymore. He was worried that Jongin would ran off to Sehun anytime so he asks Jongdae to always keep an eye on him. But Jongin didn’t even try to sneak out of the mansion, he was determined that he will not turn back to drugs again.

Hani learned about how Jongin reacted and she took the initiative to talk and explain to Jongin, herself.

“I am not taking Kyungsoo away from you…”

“Yes, you are…”

“Jongin, I need Soo for my kid and I understand that he can’t fully love me like the way he loves you and I am okay with that. Kyungsoo is already sacrificing so much, so please….don’t make this hard for him…”

“Then let him go…”

“I can’t”

“You are so selfish, Hani…”

“Am I really the one being selfish here? You are the one depriving your niece or nephew of a proper family. I am not taking Kyungsoo away from you, I know how special you both are to each other and I won’t take that away. Kyungsoo and I already talked and after the wedding, we are taking you with us. I care for you too, Jongin… I know what your brother means to you and I’m not here to steal that from you. Kyungsoo and I are only giving our child what he deserve… a family… and that family includes you too, Jongin…”

“I know that you are still mad but I really do care about you Jongin.” Hani then leaves Jongin’s room.

Hani had long been gone, but her voice still rang in Jongin’s head. A family, Hani was right the innocent child deserve a family… real parents who will take care of him and showered them with love… something that he and Kyungsoo didn’t have. Yes, they still have their parents but they rarely come home and they are more of a stranger to them than a family.

Jongin finally understands what Kyungsoo was trying to do. He’s just trying to give his kid, something that he lacked growing up. Jongin understands that Kyungsoo doesn’t want to be like their dad… that Kyungsoo just wants to be there for his kid and be a real parent.

As much at it hurts, Jongin was willing to pretend, he pretends to be happy when he volunteered to be Kyungsoo’s best man. Jongin pretended to be okay even though his hands are itching for his drugs, his drugs that would take all his pain away… the drugs that will create a different world for him. A world where he could have Kyungsoo and that Kyungsoo will love him just as much as he loves him.

But Jongin doesn’t want to succumb to his addiction anymore, so pretending was the only solution he could to think of and if it means that he will see Kyungsoo genuinely smile more often… then Jongin thinks that it was worth it.

Is this the beginning of our last dance?
Once around the floor, can we do it again?
I feel the thrill from words we say,
I love you.

The wedding day comes, Jongin is with Kyungsoo, doing his duty as his brother’s best man.

“Are you excited, hyung?” Jongin asks as he helps his brother with his suit.

“Yes, it was our parents’ favorite joke when we were kids that I’ll marry Hani but look at where we are now…” Kyungsoo grins.

“You really love her?” Jongin hides the pain in his voice by laughing.

“We all know that this was a rush and Hani and I may not be that romantically in love with each other, but we grow up as best friends and she was always been special to me, so like I said before, having a family with her and being her husband is not that hard to deal with…”

“Well, then congratulations hyung. It’s good to see you happy on your wedding day…” Jongin fakes another smile.

“I’m happy, not only because I’m marrying Hani but also because you are here with me. Thank you, Jongin… I know we…”

“Hyung, let’s not talk about that on your wedding day. I’m satisfied as long as I see you happy…”

“Okay, anyways, are you really not coming with us to Maldives?”

“Hyung, that is your honeymoon…I don’t want to intrude.” Jongin chuckles.

“But it’s okay, even Hani wants you to come.”

“I swear, you two are paranoid over me...but really I’m okay with this. I appreciate how Hani always consider what we had before, how she always think what I’ll feel and I’m happy that you are marrying her because I know she will take care of you and she will understand you no matter what. I understand what you are trying to do here, hyung… I know you are giving your child a family that we never had. I know that even after this wedding, you will always be there for me hyung, but I think I need to deal with my problems on my own…I need to heal on my own…”

“You’ve really grown up, Jongin…” Kyungsoo reaches for his brother’s cheeks and caresses it. “and again, thank you… thank you for loving me, thank you for understanding, thank you wanting to change…I wouldn’t want anything for you but to be healthy, clean and to find your own happiness.”

“You don’t have to thank me hyung, I am ready to do anything for you…always for you” Jongin hugs his brother and discreetly wipe the tears that managed to escape his eyes.

“I love you, hyung…” Jongin means it with all his heart. “I still wish it was me you’re marrying today, hyung…” Jongin whispers to himself but Kyungsoo still heard it.

“I love you too, Jongin…” Kyungsoo wants to say that he means the same way Jongin does but that will only complicate things, so he kept it in…he had been doing it for all those years…so really what is the difference with hiding it for a few more years…

…maybe when Jongin finally finds the one who is not afraid to love him…maybe after that Kyungsoo can finally let go of his forbidden love with his brother.

If only Kyungsoo was brave enough to say it…

If only Kyungsoo was brave enough to let Jongin know…

If only…

Embrace so much tighter
This could be our last together
Heaven sheds tears for the wounded hearts
Our forever has been torn apart

The wedding coordinator arrives and tells them to go and meet the guests at the wedding hall.

“Uhm, hyung…is it okay if you go ahead…my stomach’s upset and I feel the need to, you know… dump it…” Jongin bites his lips and laughs.

“Ok…but don’t take too long and take lots of water to rehydrate, I don’t want my best man missing on my wedding due to an upset stomach…” Kyungsoo pats his brother’s shoulder and fix his own suit for the last time.

“Yes, we don’t want that, do we? I’ll be there as soon as I can…” Jongin winks at his brother and that made Kyungsoo laugh.

“Bye, hyung…” Jongin opens the door for his brother. He has this big smile on his face, his hand playfully waving as he watch Kyungsoo walk the hallway towards the elevator.

Kyungsoo smiled back at him and laughs at the way Jongin looked like a kid, clutching his stomach in pain but still waving and smiling at him. He sees Jongin mouthing ‘I love you’ and he was about to say it back but the elevator doors closed and he can no longer see Jongin.

Our vast religions
Wont help us answer
What was pre destined for us to have
Since long ago.
Its hopeless

Hani, just like any other bride, looked dashing on her wedding day. She looks stunning as she walk down the aisle with her parents by her side but as she get nearer to where Kyungsoo is, she see the worried expression on his groom’s face. When they reached the end, Kyungsoo approached them and bowed to her parents. Kyungsoo was smiling as he takes her hand but Hani knows Kyungsoo all too well to know that something was off.

“You want to call this wedding off?” Hani leans in and whispers to his groom.

“No, of course not… it’s just that Jongin is not here…” Kyungsoo whispers back. Hani looks over to where the best man was supposed to be standing and true enough, Kyungsoo’s brother was not there.

“Did you try calling him, before we started?” Hani worriedly asks Kyungsoo.

“He’s not answering, I last saw him in my room upstairs then he told me to head down first because he needs to deal with his upset stomach first and since that I haven’t seen him…” Kyungsoo looks around and at that moment he saw someone familiar by the hall’s entrance.

“Who is that?” Hani asks him when he noticed that Kyungsoo was staring at someone.

“That is Sehun…” Kyungsoo answers.

Sehun was standing awkwardly by the doors his eyes were on the bride and groom. Kyungsoo is used to seeing him high on drugs and he tries numerous times to reach out to him too but the boy always runaway to God knows where… but today, Kyungsoo is sure that those bloodshot eyes aren’t from being high, there was an unknown fear that starts to creep up into him.

“Jongin’s friend? Let’s go…maybe he knows where Jongin is…” Hani tugs on Kyungsoo’s suit and Kyungsoo didn’t need to think twice, he quickly strides towards the other boy.

Their guest looks at the bride and groom in confusion as the two was walking toward the door, even Jongdae and the wedding coordinator was heading to where the bride and groom was…to check what was going on.

Sehun meets Kyungsoo halfway and immediately hands him an envelope.

“What is this? Do you where Jongin is?”

“I think Jongin killed himself…” Sehun voice was hoarse and tears start to flow on his face. Kyungsoo grabs both of Sehun’s arms and grip it tightly while Hani gasps from behind him.

“What do you mean ‘you think he killed himself’?!” Kyungsoo grip tightens more as he yells at the other boy.

“H-he met up with me yesterday and asked me to give you that once he calls me to. I thought he was just high or something so I didn’t pay mind to it, but….but…” Sehun stops and let out a broken sob.

“I just received a call from him and he sounded so weak. I asked him what was wrong but he wouldn’t tell me, he just told me to go here and hand you the letter after the ceremony…”

“Oh no, Jongin!” Hani clasps her hand over his mouth and her eyes start to water, her mind goes through all the possible things that Jongin might have done.

But Kyungsoo doesn’t have time to think about the possibilities, he storms out of the wedding hall and rushed to his room, to where he last saw Jongin. He vividly remembers how Jongin hugged him tightly and whispered how much he wished that he was the one Kyungsoo was marrying and that he loves him very much.

Kyungsoo looked everywhere but Jongin was not in the room, he raked his hair in frustration…where would Jongin be and then something clicked in his mind. Kyungsoo rushes out of the hotel and drove like a maniac towards the mansion.

Kyungsoo jumps out of his car, once he reached his destination and ran as fast as he can towards Jongin’s bedroom but Jongin wasn’t there. Then his hearts beats faster as his feet takes him to the next bedroom… his own bedroom…the room where they spent sleepless night making love to each other… the room that is a silent witness of their sinful relationship…where they crossed the boundaries of brotherly love and decided to just give in to what their hearts really ache for.

He opens the door with his shaking hands and hurriedly approached his bed. He finally found Jongin…

…but it all seemed too late.

An empty syringe…numerous pills lies before Jongin’s body, foam flowing out his brother’s mouth. Kyungsoo cradled Jongin in his arms and slaps his face to wake him up.

“Jongin! wake up! Wake up!.... c’mon don’t do this to me! JONGIN! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!”

Kyungsoo shakes his brother’s body trying hard to wake him up from a horrible slumber but to no avail… Jongin’s eyes although open are not responding.

Kyungsoo calls his Jongin’s name like a mantra, he calls his brother’s name along with countless of apologies… he calls out for him and shouts how much he love him. He calls Jongin out but the said boy no longer hears him… said boy no longer breathing.

Kyungsoo cried like he never cried before as he hugs Jongin’s body. An envelope falls from suit and Kyungsoo picks it up. He opens it up and a letter with Jongin’s handwriting is in it.

Hyung, today is your wedding day congratulations! I’m sorry I can’t be there and I hope I didn’t ruin the ceremony. I thought I could pretend at least until you left for your honeymoon…but I can’t…I’m sorry hyung but I can't really see you tie the knot with her.

Hyung, please don’t blame yourself for what I did. This is my decision…I’m the one who is weak, I’m sorry…but I just love you so much it hurts…I tried to be strong but we both know how weak I truly am. I just couldn’t spend my life, losing you over and over again. Our relationship maybe fucked up to the eyes of everyone but I don’t care…I only want you hyung, I only need you.

You are stronger than I am, so please…please hyung, keep a little part of me alive in your heart…keep me alive at least in your heart.

I love you hyung.

---Jongin

That day, Kyungsoo’s heart broke into a thousand pieces and he doesn’t know how he could paste it back together especially when Jongin took the most important part of it with him. He will be forever broken.

The cold winter breeze makes Kyungsoo shiver as he walk to where Jongin is. He was just a few steps away from his brother’s grave when he saw someone standing by it.

“Sehun?” Kyungsoo calls the other guy and Sehun turned around to greet him with a big smile.

“Kyungsoo hyung, I knew you’d come, I told Jongin I’ll stay with him until you arrive…” Sehun smirks as he looks at the marble tablet near his feet.

“How have you been, Sehun… drug-free I hope?” Kyungsoo smiles and put the flowers down by the headstone.

“Yes, Hyung… 11 months and counting!” Sehun proudly says.

“Good, I’m glad things are working out fine for you… keep it up Sehun!” Kyungsoo pats the younger’s shoulders. A month after Jongin’s death, Sehun shows up at the mansion and asked Kyungsoo for help. Kyungsoo knows Jongin would want him to help Sehun and so he did. Kyungsoo was happy that he did help Sehun, at least Jongin’s death inspired someone to change for the better.

“I’ll go ahead, hyung… I know you want to be alone with him. Bye, Hyung…take care of yourself…”

“You too, Sehun… take care…”

Once Sehun was gone, Kyungsoo sat on the grass and trace the marble tablet with his fingers.

“It’s been a year, Jongin and I still can’t believe that you are not here with us anymore. I’m sorry Jongin… I’m sorry I failed you. In your letter, you said that I was the stronger one… you were wrong Jongin… you were stronger than me. You were the one who was bold enough to admit that you love me. You were the braver one who was not afraid to love someone and just ignore what other people might say. You were the one who fought for us, Jongin… and I’m sorry… I’m sorry I’m not as brave as you.”

“I just hope that in our next life, I meet you again and when that time comes, I promise you, no matter what the circumstances are… I will fight for you…I won’t let anything hold me back anymore. I will love you with all my heart and show you how you deserved to be loved. I won’t let something like this happens to us again. In our next life, I will hold you tight and never let go… I promise you that Jongin… when we meet again we will be happy together… even if it is just the two of us.”

“I love you Jongin. Until we meet again…”