Silent Forever (1/?)
At 4:53 in the afternoon, Jongdae was numb and sore from over sleeping. The floor of his room was littered with packages from his games he bought, crinkled candy bar wrappers, crumpled red bulls that were pains to step on, and the garbage from hamburger joint that was down the street, (the only time he stepped outside for ten minutes these days).
Oddly, most of his clothes were hung or folded in his wardrobe, because there was hardly an occasion for him to wear anything outside of his favorite sweatpants and shirt combo. The bed he slept on was unmade when he got on it, and would remain that way after he finally crawled out of bed. No one really entered his room aside from his family who only seemed to do so to make sure he was alive.
There was a sense of pity that they had for him after he dropped out of college, but there was only silence on his part.
--
“JONGDAE! I know you’re not deaf,” his step-brother hollered from downstairs, and Jongdae frowned in his seat in front of his laptop. He was typing up a review to the latest Spiderman movie he saw.
He could hear Jongin’s climbing to the steps to his room, so he turned in his desk chair to face the door while he waited for him.
“I shouldn’t have to be the only who does anything for this family,” Jongin angrily muttered when he entered the room, doing nothing to hide the scowl on his face. Jongdae wasn’t sure if he was directing that at him or complaining to himself.
“You can’t keep living like this. Our parents might be fine with this, but how long are you going to drown yourself in self-pity?” Jongin knitted his eyebrows together and spoke like he didn’t expect an answer. Granted Jongdae couldn’t actually give him one, but he had commend the male for his skill at motivational speaking. What sarcastic quip would he have returned in the past?
“Just-it’s been two months man. You could at least look after the shop from time to time.”
Ah, there it is. The real reason Jongin came barging in here, the hidden motive. He was starting to get weary by this whole pseudo nice thing Jongin had going on. Jongdae felt much better knowing Jongin was annexing him from his room so he could chase skirts with Sehun, instead of working in their family’s shop.
“Look, you don’t even have to do much. Just sit there and write down orders. You don’t have to talk to anyone,” he said, and Jongdae glared at him for that last comment before letting it slide. That was probably not the best thing for him to say when convincing someone to cover his shift.
There was a knock at the door, and they both turned to see his mother there.
“Leave him alone Jongin,” she said gently. “Your father and I can cancel our dinner and you can go out. Just leave Jongdae out of this.”
“No, you can’t baby him like this anymore. It’s not fair to any of us!”
“Please Jongin, drop it. It’s been tough for all of us. Just let him be,” she was stern when she said this, and it was clear that the argument ended there.
“Ugh I’m so done with this," Jongin exclaimed after storming out, and Jongdae questioned whether or not he should clap for his performance. His mother didn’t find it funny when he did, and gave his room a once over.
“Maybe he’s right,” she commented. “It wouldn’t do much harm to give your life structure again.”
--
It took a week after that for Jongdae to decide to give it a shot. Doing so resulted in the most foot kissing he’d seen from Jongin in a long time. He only agreed because the shop didn’t have many customers, and he felt a bit guilty for doing nothing when his parents paid for everything.
Like Jongin said, the job wasn’t difficult to hold and it was a nice scenery change from his room. It certainly smelled a lot better. Boring but easy, what he was promised.
Doodling on the notepad that was provided to him, he passed the time listening to his favorite album.
--
Jongdae missed the chime of the bells while he was working on a masterpiece, a dragon dueling to death with a phoenix, all done in his blue ballpoint pen. His head was bobbing along to the music, and he was kind of thinking about how this wasn’t such a bad job after all.
Of course he swallowed those thoughts when a shadow eclipsed over him. Kim Joonmyeon’s shadow. The oblivious boy he flirted with all year up until the accident, and one of the reasons he kept his disappearance quiet.
“Jongdae, is that you?” At that moment, Jongdae really wishes it wasn’t. He wasn’t. But instead of showing that he meekly nodded, only realizing how out of character it must have seemed when he heard Joonmyeon laugh.
“It’s great to see you. I missed you at school these days,”
Try months Jongdae thought, but he nodded again and avoided eye contact with the male. Silence hung between them for a moment, and Jongdae wished he’d leave.
“You’re awfully quiet,” Joonmyeon’s voice cracked when he said it, and Jongdae flinched. There was nothing he could say, so he didn’t say anything.
“Right,” the male finally said after much hesitation. “I’ll be going then,” Joonmyeon gave a halfhearted wave before he left. Jongdae folded his lips over themselves and watched him go.
--
When Jongdae was still in school, he’d live for moments that he’d bump into Joonmyeon in the lunch line, squeeze in next to him, and flirt with the seemingly unknowing male. He’d shoot a glare whenever Baekhyun compared him to a love-stuck puppy, but today he couldn’t even tell his best friend what happened to him even if he wanted too and Joonmyeon’s face no longer filled him with joy like it once did. It brought pain and regret for thinking he had all the time in the world. For the time he wasted, and the guilt that accrued after he lost the ability to say “I love you.”
So didn’t want to see Joonmyeon anymore and to be reminded. But life had other plans.
Joonmyeon came regularly after that, buying daffodils and trying to start dialogue with Jongdae that the male most pretended not to hear. He’d ignore eye contact, and allow the silence to follow everything his from senior had said to him, but he should have known that Joonmyeon was persistent when he wanted something. One of the things he used to love about him.
Sometimes Jongdae would notice the bags under Joonmyeon’s eyes, and think that it was probable that he stayed up the whole night before to study for a test. He’d move his mouth as if he wanted to say something.
Joonmyeon would see this and get his hopes up, but then Jongdae would close it again, realizing he had no words to say.
Jongdae thought Joonmyeon was there every day simply because he was a friend, it was his turn to be oblivious.
--
“Jongdae.” On this day Joonmyeon spoke directly to him, sans daffodils but arms filled instead with roses. Jongdae frowned at the sight of him, thinking that the male had decided to get his flowers elsewhere.
“I was really happy when I found you again,” when those words feel from Joonmyeon’s lips, it was Jongdae’s cue to let his eyes skid to the side in shame. He didn’t want to be found.
“School felt really lonely without you there anymore. As cliché as this sounds, I had to be without something to realize how I wanted… needed it.”
Jongdae understood all too well, but did his best not to show it.
The room was silent. Jongdae could hear Joonmyeon’s breath hitch before he blurted, “I love you,” making it really hard for Jongdae to keep his shocked eyes away. They studied Joonmyeon’s face, wordless as he was handed the roses.
“I love you Jongdae. It took me too long to notice it. And maybe that’s why you won’t speak to me anymore, but I needed to tell you that before I leave to New York,” Joonmyeon’s voice came out small once he got all the words out.
Jongdae did his best to hide his trembling lips by pressing them tightly together, but he couldn’t help thinking about the irony in this situation. He wanted to laugh, or cry at how pathetic he was.
“Say something… please.”
Jongdae’s mouth moved, but of course nothing came out. He looked at Joonmyeon’s eyes and saw the hurt, and he tightened his grip on the roses Joonmyeon gave him. Lowering his head, he shook it and tried to return the flowers to Joonmyeon because no he couldn’t accept them like this.
There’s silence at first until he heard the receding footsteps and lifted his head just in time to see Joonmyeon storming out, possibly forever.