#51: Empty Shell (part 2)
Taemin paced through the living room wildly, his slippers slapped against the soles of his feet angrily, he couldn’t take it; he needed to confront Jongin, this wasn’t right, he wasn’t right.
The front door creaked open slowly, Jongin worked as a bartender and always came home at ungodly hours; he always told Taemin not to wait up for him but Taemin was stubborn, words went in one ear and flew out of the other just as fast.
“Oh, you’re awake..?” Jongin hushed as he closed the door behind himself, he looked visibly tense.
“Yes, of course I am… I felt anxious about somethings…” Taemin had muttered back, his pacing stopped but his body shook timidly.
“What things?” Jongin asked carefully, putting his backpack down as he undid the laces on his converses.
“Me, us and stuff…”
“Well, we can talk about it in the morning, right? It’s late..” Jongin soothed quietly, stepping towards Taemin with a confident air, he reached out for the elders shoulders but Taemin jumped back.
“N-No we should talk now, I’m not tired” Taemin wheezed, his arms wrapped around his waist like a shield.
“Taemin you’re scaring me, are you not well?” Jongin cooed, trying to cage the other against the wall but he practically ran to the other side of the room.
“Don’t touch me, I’m not good enough…”
“Not this again, please Taemin; I love you for you not how you look” Jongin huffed, his shoulders sank in defeat, he was tired; his shifts were no joke and he was considering taking on more.
“You don’t understand Jongin, I want to look good but no matter what I do; I don’t, I’m not satisfied… I’m never perfect, when I actually sleep at night, I wish I’d never wake up…” Taemin spewed his feelings out, his chest heaving with stress.
“What you don’t get is that you’re my type of perfect, Taemin, you should see a doctor; I want you to live happily and not think about what other’s think, not have to think about the way your hair sits or how you carry yourself; I love you for being you… If I could go back in time and cut that judges tongue out I would, we all have off days Taemin; that was one time!” Jongin cried, he was physically and emotionally exhausted, he wished that someday he could come home and see the bright boy he’d fell in love with, not the small shards of what was left of the anxious mess he’d become.
“I don’t feel like myself Jongin, everytime I dance it feels wrong; incorrect. That judge only made me see things clearer, I was too cocky and thought that I could dance to any routine, be the dancer I aspired to be, but no I’m useless; you should have been the one teaching me, I’m so pathetic..”
“At least you admit you’re pathetic, but you still don’t see past your own nose; you’re so concerned about yourself, how you look, how you talk, how you fucking eat!? When was the last time you asked about my day or how I’m doing? Hmm? Also you know I only asked you to teach me because I had a huge crush on you, right? You’re everything I want in a boyfriend, you’re beautiful, ethereal even… You’re a dancer, an amazing one at that and you complete me, I want you to see that….” Jongin sobbed, he couldn’t hold his emotions well but it didn’t stop him from being himself, but a different sob broke him out of his current state; Taemin was by the window covering his face with his hands, his body wracked with each choked sob.
Taemin crumbled to the floor, his face hiding between his knees that pressed against his chest, he hadn’t broke in years and he felt his walls crash down into nothingness, his blunt nails scratched at the back of his neck ferociously.
“Taemin-ah…” Jongin spoke tenderly as he crouched in front of the other, he grabbed his hands to stop the harm he was self-inducing.
“Mm.. I c-can’t breathe…” Taemin choked in a panic, all of his self control depleted.
“Shhh, just calm down, breathe slower; you’re alright, I’m right here…” Jongin uttered, he calmed down his own nerves to support the elder.
“I can’t do this”
“Sure you can, just take a few deep breaths and-”
“-Not the breathing, ‘this’ as in us; Jongin I can’t be with you, I’m not right for this relationship…” Taemin cut in with a rush of emotions, his eyes poured into Jongin’s as his breathing calmed.
“Wha- What?” Jongin whispered, he stood in shock.
“We should break up, you should move on and be happy….” Taemin confessed as he looked up at Jongin with a weak smile, his thoughts screamed otherwise.
“I-If that’s what you want?”
“Y-Yes, it’s for the best; we’re over…”
Taemin slipped off of the couch as he heard his alarm for 5am go off, the ringing filled the otherwise silent apartment, he jogged to his bedroom, tripping up on the frame on the floor, it flipped over, his and Jongin’s smiling faces stared up at him; the ringing from the alarm clock was like it had set off a fire within Taemin.
Once he’d turned the alarm off he rushed to have a shower, things would never get better if he didn’t make some changes. The water flowed over his naked body mindlessly, it was a rush of motions, his black hair flooded his eyesight; his to-do list consisted of two things.
1. Win Jongin back.
2. Get a hair-cut.
I thought breaking up was easy;
Why isn’t it easy with you?
When did we become so deep?
“I love you too” Jongin chirped randomly one morning, they were having breakfast in a cafe by Taemin’s University, there was a comfortable silence around them as they crammed in some more studying during their meal, books spread across the small table.
“H-Huh?” Taemin looked up, a piece of rice clung to his lip.
“You know months ago when we spontaneously got together, I said I liked you but you said ‘I love you’ and I never said it back, but yeah; I love you too~” Jongin grinned from ear-to-ear as Taemin shied away behind a textbook.
“Idiot…”
The man threw on the simplest of clothes, he needed to care less; that was the issue to begin with; a grey tee, black skinny jeans and army boots, anyone would know this plan was beyond stupid but being stupid was part of Taemin’s character at this point.
Knowing where your ex lives is weird but Taemin only knew because he was still friends with some of Jongin’s friends, and when they got drunk they spewed any details. He ran down the flights of stairs because he had a rush of adrenaline in his sleepless self, acting on impulse wasn't always a good thing but at this point what else did Taemin have to lose, he had destroyed the most beautiful part of his life and now he’d risk everything to get it back or at least have some closure, not that he’d settle with closure.
Taemin sprung in front of the first taxi he saw, scaring the crap out of the driver, he slipped into the passenger seat after a small argument of angry facial expressions.
“Okay, hear me out; I forgot my wallet-” Taemin sighed as the guy asked for the address.
“-Get out, I have no time for assholes…” The driver muttered.
“Let me explain, I’m doing this to get my ex back- I will pay you, I’ll give you my number and we’ll settle things; just please drive me there…” Taemin gushed, clasping his hands together as he begged the man.
“Fine, tell me the address; she better be worth it..” The guy chuckled at Taemin.
“Oh, she’s worth it..”
I hope your heart finds me;
All I need is you,
Just press it.
The drive was quick as the roads were pretty clear, it was barely 6am by the time the taxi pulled up into his street, Taemin thanked the guy a couple times as he jotted his phone number on a piece of paper the man gave him. He stepped out of the car with a deep breath, walking over to the apartment building at a slow pace, the line of door bells had names by them.
1>Dong Minhee
2a>Kwon Dongwook
2b>Kim Jongin
The rest were a blur before Taemin’s eyes, without a second thought he pressed the buzzer; chewing at his bottom lip as the nerves finally settle in with his rush, surprisingly it was answered.
“Who is it?” A sleepy familiar voice answered, thankfully there was no camera because he’d see the absolute glee in Taemin’s face after hearing something other than Jongin’s answer tone after so long.
“Hello?” The voice murmured again, snapping Taemin out of his daze.
“It’s Sehun..” Taemin changed his voice to sound like one of Jongin’s friends, hoping the awful impression would suffice; he heard a huff and the door buzz to signal it was open. Taemin sprinted into the building, before climbing to the second floor, the door at the end was open. Realisation settled in, what exactly was he doing? He froze at the top of the stairs, he turned on his heel; this was a mistake.
“Taemin-ah?” The voice he loved called after him, hearing his name made his heart beat faster; he turned slowly, like he'd just been caught for some despicable crime.
“What are you doing here?” Jongin asked in a confused tone, his ruffled pyjamas and messy bed hair screamed gorgeous; he was more tanned since the last time he'd saw him, he seemed to glow with an angelic sense.
“I got lost” Taemin blurted out stupidly, looking at the floor in shame; he felt like an idiot, yet he still felt the need to see him.
“You got lost…? Do you want to come in? It's early and I don't want the neighbours to complain…” Jongin pondered, he was leaning on the door frame sleepily.
“S-Sure, I'm sorry about this” Taemin apologised as he stepped past the other to get into the small apartment.
“Let's talk…” Jongin proposed as he closed the door behind them.