Fic: Purpose
Title: Purpose
Author: kaitmaree77
Rating: PG 13
Summary: He hesitates, fearful, and doesn’t allow himself to exhale until her fingers are in his hair and eyes are filled with light.
Note: bkwmkiwi threw the quote below at me, so this is for her. Thanks to spyndisguise for beta. Please let me know what you think! <3
-
You only need three things to be happy: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.
I. Love.
Everything in his past has told him to ignore his heart, because if he dares offer his emotions the opportunity to crush them will be too great for any passerby.
One might argue his defences plagued with paranoia, but Chase figures any level of loss worth whatever it takes to prevent. Even if he’s withdrawing himself to a life of loneliness, of shallowed romances and unreliable friends, he’s unwavering on the thought that it’s guaranteed favourable to the heartache of losing someone he’s loved again.
Until he meets her.
And everything he’s ever thought and believed in comes undone.
It’s dangerous, she’s toxic, sure to steal his heart with a wicked laugh and eyes gleaming with self satisfaction. He should know better, he does know better, but his heart is aching and he’s watching her from afar with such great desire.
Her eyes meeting his, her name safe in his mouth, a brush of skin generating static reaching for the last washed mug as they work late into the night. A wisp of hair curled around her finger paired with an exhausted sigh, an inhale of perfume he’s come to remember as uniquely hers.
Everything about her, everything he knows of her and the realisation that no matter how highly guarded he keeps himself - she’s always going to be the one that got through.
But that fact is not taken with one ounce of resentment. Because as soon as they’re dating - staying up all hours drinking wine and discussing everything, everything, they could ever have to say - every risk is proven worthwhile. Every stomach drop sensation at the words “It’s Tuesday”, every fist pressed motionless against her apartment door in hesitation, is proven to have been merely a moments loss in focus to what really matters.
He loves her.
-
It’s early, the scent of freshly brewed coffee and the sound of Cameron’s light footsteps on the carpeted floor rousing Chase from his typically shallow slumber.
He opens his eyes and smiles at her, she’s holding out a plate. It takes his eyes a moment or two to come into focus from their blurred state due to sleep, but he grins instantly when he sees the contents. “Waffles?”
“Yeah, I made them.” Her childlike pride is adorable, and he puts the plate on the bedside table and pulls her into his arms.
“You’re wonderful,” he whispers against her skin.
She brightens even further before passing him the plate and gesturing that he take a bite. “See? I’m a brilliant chef. You should trust me in your kitchen more often.”
He swallows and smiles. “Well, I guess this does make up for the roast incident of my birthday -”
“Hey!” Cameron laughs, hitting him playfully. “You swore you’d never bring up that again!”
Chase kisses her quickly before pulling back and grazing the pad of his thumb against her cheek. “I love you...”
His tone is light but the connotation and consequences could not be deeper. He hesitates, fearful, and doesn’t allow himself to exhale until her fingers are in his hair and eyes are filled with light.
“I love you very much.”
-
II. Career.
Some days, Chase feels that he is entirely out of his place and every career decision ever made was the worst possible in his life. And he wonders if it ever was his own decision, or if medical school was a silent appeal for his father’s affection, pride, and validation. Some days, he just doesn’t know.
The days that the blood stains won’t scrub away, the bitterly pungent scent of death won’t clear the air; the lives are slipping through his fingers as quickly as sand. He finds himself close to resigning so often, so many times that he’s not quite sure where his heart lies anymore.
He sees the same expression in Cameron’s eyes some days too, though they never really mention it out loud aside for the occasional sigh in passing at the death of another on their watch. Young, old. Male, female. The only details they’ll let themselves remember for fear of further distress.
But despite the inevitable downside of their jobs, so often Chase is reminded of the reason behind it all. Cliché as it might sound, the very reason he’d become a doctor.
-
Chase finds Cameron on his break, filled with the overwhelming urge to share. She’s in the ER filling out paperwork with a tired expression worn on her face.
“Cameron?”
She looks up. “Yeah?”
“I -” He pauses, moving closer and sucking in a sharp breath, “Do you remember - a few months back - there was that kid. He was eight or so? In a car accident. They didn’t - they didn’t think he was going to make it, he was transferred elsewhere before I heard any news -”
“Yeah,” she nods, reaching to hold his hand in preparation for whatever he’s about to say, “I remember.”
“He just - he and his Mum, they just came to see me,” He’s brightening instantly, “he’s doing great, Allison. They - they said he’s made a practically full recovery. I’m so -”
She smiles. “That’s fantastic, Chase. I know you were really -”
“...pulling for him.”
“Yeah.”
Chase squeezes Cameron’s hand tightly, then brings it to his lips and kisses it tenderly. “It’s just nice, you know. To get it right. To see the result of all your hard work.”
“And hoping.”
“Yeah,” he smiles a little, “that too.”
Cameron squeezes his hand again, gesturing towards the unfinished paper work in front of her. “I’ve just got a couple more things to sign, and then we could go to lunch?”
“Sounds good, babe.”
-
III. Hope.
Someone once told Chase: “May the dreams of your past be the reality of your future.” It’s the ultimate wish for him; to experience everything tomorrow he had no hope for yesterday. To have doubts and fears of the past brought down by affirmation of hope in the future.
But he still has his doubts. Unspoken fears itching at the back of his mind, insecurities spilling into his day to day life. It’s not that he doesn’t trust the people in his life; it’s just that his experience tells him to never fully let his guard down.
Still, he lets thoughts of the future and hopes for his life ahead slip through the cracks of doubt more often than he would mere years ago. He lets himself picture a big, beautiful house with his and Cameron’s children playing in the yard. Before her, this dream would be wishful thinking, but lately he’s certain it’s not too far ahead.
Sometimes when they’re out shopping, Chase catches a glimpse of Cameron running her fingers over the cotton onesies, making maternal little noises at the tiny brightly coloured socks. It makes his heart leap.
The hope sits firmly in his heart, emotions turning inside him at an impossible rate. Happiness fills him, fills them, and suddenly the misery of the past is exactly that. The past.
-
When Cameron finds Chase, he’s sitting on the bed with a book he can’t remember the name of in his hand and a level of approximately zero focus on the novel at all. The day has been long; the death toll has been high.
She sits beside him and is silent for a very long time, as if she’s searching for the words to say. She doesn’t look unhappy, not at all, just immensely confused and unsure of what to say. Finally, Chase prompts.
“Allison? What is it?” He reaches for her hand and envelopes it in his own. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
Wordlessly, Cameron pulls Chase’s hand to her stomach - still flat- and lets him figure it out for himself. It takes him a second to grasp the fact, but when he does his eyes brighten and a grin slips onto his face. “You’re -”
She smiles, nodding. “Pregnant. We’re going to be parents.”
He hugs her tightly, stroking her back and smiling so hard it makes his face hurt.
Eventually they pull back, and Chase just stares at Cameron in total awe. He feels truly blessed, truly fulfilled. Her smile in response suggests shared feelings, shared flutter of heart. It’s a beautiful moment for the two of them, happiness lighting the room aglow.