Wax Wings That Melted Long Ago
You know, taking into consideration shit like from my last entry, I sometimes wonder if it was better for me to be closeted during my high school years. It isn't as though my high school was particularly unsafe ... that I know of. Because I COULD closet myself, I didn't open myself up to that sort of abuse. My years in high school were some of the best of my life, but would they have been if I had been out?
It wasn't as though there weren't dark times for me being closeted. Far from it in fact. There were nights when I would lay awake and think to myself "Oh god, I think I've already met the person I want to stay by my side for the rest of my life and I don't even know if that's possible." I had nowhere to turn to I thought, save media, and even that bombarded me with darkness at times (look up the dead/crazy lesbian trope and you'll see what I mean). But, putting those moments aside, I was happy with my high school life, I truly was, even if some of it was spent in shadow.
I guess I'll never know if things would have been different. Would I have been a different person now if I had been more open. I wonder. Maybe I'd be more numb to such things. Probably.
I don't feel safe anymore. It isn't as though I think I'll be murdered any second or anything like that. I'm not paranoid. Well, maybe a little. I'm just tired of being under the general assault of society and media. My mother once told me that "choosing to be gay would make life difficult" for me. Setting aside the problems with her statement, I think I understand now a little of what she meant. It isn't even just about being gay either; it's about being a woman as well. Either way, I'm not safe.
There is no freedom in this world, because equality is an illusion and there is no freedom from fear.
Sorry ... this is dark. This is my writer's block and betrayal wounds manifesting themselves. I can't swallow.
Leaving this unlocked despite how personal it is. I ... don't know why. Maybe I'm hoping for something that will never happen.
It wasn't as though there weren't dark times for me being closeted. Far from it in fact. There were nights when I would lay awake and think to myself "Oh god, I think I've already met the person I want to stay by my side for the rest of my life and I don't even know if that's possible." I had nowhere to turn to I thought, save media, and even that bombarded me with darkness at times (look up the dead/crazy lesbian trope and you'll see what I mean). But, putting those moments aside, I was happy with my high school life, I truly was, even if some of it was spent in shadow.
I guess I'll never know if things would have been different. Would I have been a different person now if I had been more open. I wonder. Maybe I'd be more numb to such things. Probably.
I don't feel safe anymore. It isn't as though I think I'll be murdered any second or anything like that. I'm not paranoid. Well, maybe a little. I'm just tired of being under the general assault of society and media. My mother once told me that "choosing to be gay would make life difficult" for me. Setting aside the problems with her statement, I think I understand now a little of what she meant. It isn't even just about being gay either; it's about being a woman as well. Either way, I'm not safe.
There is no freedom in this world, because equality is an illusion and there is no freedom from fear.
Sorry ... this is dark. This is my writer's block and betrayal wounds manifesting themselves. I can't swallow.
Leaving this unlocked despite how personal it is. I ... don't know why. Maybe I'm hoping for something that will never happen.