From earlier when I was so happy to move on and take another job to how I feeling currently? Like I've been thrown off the Aurora Bridge
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I can't really claim grief for myself, I just feel so damn badly for my step-mom and my cousin's wife and kids.
Then there's the dilemma of going home for funerals, if I still lived in Seattle, there'd be no question of going to Portland. I just can't spend the money and time in this case, which makes me feel bad again. Like I've judged him not worthy of an effort to pay my respects.
Then that feeling spirals into feeling like I'm missing family events, my nieces and nephews are growing up and I'm not there...lives are going on (and ending) without me.
I'm sure your family understands. If not, I would attribute it to their grieving process, and hopefully in time will understand that your heart was in the right place, but you just didn't have the means to take time away from work to fly up here.
If, in time, they are still upset that you weren't there, (again, if they were in the first place) then....and I don't mean to sound cruel considering what they are currently going through, I think that would be selfish of them. I'm sure Travis would understand.
Think of some other way to pay your respects. Even if you're the only one that knows. Toast him with a favorite drink if he had one. Listen to a favorite song/band of his. In time, when you might be able to afford it from your new job, make a donation to a favorite cause of his, or if none, to the Heart Association or something comparable.
Comments 3
Crap. Oh, I'm so sorry.
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Then there's the dilemma of going home for funerals, if I still lived in Seattle, there'd be no question of going to Portland. I just can't spend the money and time in this case, which makes me feel bad again. Like I've judged him not worthy of an effort to pay my respects.
Then that feeling spirals into feeling like I'm missing family events, my nieces and nephews are growing up and I'm not there...lives are going on (and ending) without me.
And then I hate living here even more.
Reply
I'm sure your family understands. If not, I would attribute it to their grieving process, and hopefully in time will understand that your heart was in the right place, but you just didn't have the means to take time away from work to fly up here.
If, in time, they are still upset that you weren't there, (again, if they were in the first place) then....and I don't mean to sound cruel considering what they are currently going through, I think that would be selfish of them. I'm sure Travis would understand.
Think of some other way to pay your respects. Even if you're the only one that knows. Toast him with a favorite drink if he had one. Listen to a favorite song/band of his. In time, when you might be able to afford it from your new job, make a donation to a favorite cause of his, or if none, to the Heart Association or something comparable.
Hang in there...
miws
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