my dirty little secret - part nine
Title: My Dirty Little Secret
Author: kalexico
Pairing, Character(s): Quinn Fabray/Santana Lopez
Rating: PG 13
Word Count: 3811
Summary: Quinn and Santana have a heart-to-heart.
_______
part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight
My heart was pounding in my ears, my mouth dry, tears stinging in my eyes. I stared through the window, avoiding my parents who were sitting in the front, hoping that they wouldn't suspect anything was wrong. They never did and for once, I was grateful for that.
Dad pulled up in front of the house and I went straight to my room, mumbling something about homework. I slumped down on my bed and let the tears fall freely. After a while, the sobbing subdued and all I could do was let my thoughts wash over me.
I wasn't that good Christian girl anymore, but I was still Christian. I still believed in God and my faith was still important to me. That morning, the sermon in church had been on homosexuality. It left me wondering how I had let it come this far, how I had been okay with it all along. I should've fought it harder, bashed it when it started.
The worst part was that I couldn't tell anyone without telling them that I was in love with a girl. Brittany wouldn't understand what the big deal was and although I felt close enough to the people in Glee club, their recent betrayal - because that was what it felt like - of Santana left me feeling stranded. Sure, Mike and Tina had reached out to us afterwards, but that didn't make us best buddies. That didn't mean I trusted them enough. And in the end, how would they understand what I was going through?
I decided I only had one choice. There was one person only in whom I could confide: Santana. I took a deep breath, grabbed my phone and dialled her number.
"Tana, can you come over?" I hated how thin my voice sounded.
"Sure, but I haven't had lunch yet. Should I bring something or are we going somewhere?"
"Um... just pick something up on the way. My parents are leaving soon to have lunch with the Mulhollands anyway."
"Are you okay, Q?" she asked worriedly. I cursed myself mentally for not being able to make myself sound at least okay.
"Yeah, sure," I brushed it off. "Just get some Chinese or something. The usual."
"Okay, I'll be there in half an hour."
"See you then."
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, Santana!" I managed to sound a little annoyed. "Now go and get that food! I'm starving."
"Aren't you always," she chuckled. "Ever since you're off the Cheerios..."
"Starving, Santana."
"Alright, alright, I'm going. See you later."
"Yeah, see you."
Santana wasn't one to break promises and half an hour later, she was at the front door. My parents had left just ten minutes earlier. Santana was her usual snarky self, commenting on her mother's antics before she had even looked at me. She walked straight to the kitchen, getting some plates out. I followed her, hearing her out but not really listening. At first, she didn't notice anything particular about my silence because that was how it usually went.
It was when she turned around that she stopped her rant mid-sentence and her face fell. She walked over to me and searched my eyes. "What's wrong, Q?"
I swallowed. Suddenly, I started to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I'd known her all my life, but we had never really talked about this subject before. What if she was a homophobe and had never let it on?
The words came out strangled. "Everything. Can we just... can we eat first? I don't want the food to go cold. I don't want to eat it alone, because if I tell you now that's how it might end up and I want to at least have lunch with you one more time before you possibly drop me and leave me behind like my parents did when I was pregnant and-"
"Q, you're worrying me now. You know I would never leave you."
"Tana, please... can we just have lunch first?" My voice trembled and I willed the tears not to well up. I didn't want her to see me this upset without knowing what was going on.
"Okay. We'll eat first, but promise me you'll tell me what's going on afterwards?"
I nodded. "I promise. Don't worry, Tana."
She sat down and I could tell she was still anxious to know what was up. It was an awkward lunch and not much was said. We were both nervous. After quickly doing the dishes together, I took her to my room.
"So, what's going on. What happened?" Suddenly, she seemed to get an idea. "Did someone try to hurt you?" She sounded angry. "Who was it, Q? Give me their name and I swear I'll fucking-"
"No, it's nothing like that. It's..." I searched for words. Everything was spinning, nothing seemed to be real anymore. "Can you just hold me?" I asked in a tiny voice.
All this hugging - it wasn't something we used to do. But then Finn and Puck and the pregnancy happened. The hormones made me emotional, my parents abandoning me made me feel insecure and all I wanted was a pair of strong arms wrapped around me tightly. Asking Finn to do that made me feel guilty. Same story for Puck. And in the end, I didn't want Puck to embrace me. For a long time, Santana was the only one who knew the truth, and she held me. It's a habit we didn't break after the miscarriage.
So now, it wasn't that weird for me to ask her to hold me. We fell into each other automatically, melted together. It felt so natural and the thought that this might be the last time we got to do this made me hold on tighter. I was so fucking scared I'd lose her over this, over something I wasn't sure of. But I had to tell her. She tried to pull out of the hug several times, but I wouldn't allow her.
"Okay, Q, now I'm really worried. You're acting like someone died."
For a second, I wished that were the case instead of what was really going on. I immediately regretted the thought and chastised myself.
I cleared my throat and stepped back, sitting down on my bed. "So I went to church this morning and the topic was homosexuality."
I thought I saw a flash of mixed emotions in her eyes, almost like fear, but it was gone within the span of a second. She nodded slowly and sat down next to me. I was trembling.
"It wasn't very... nice, as you can imagine."
"Why are you so upset over this?" Her voice sounded hoarse and she coughed, looking away.
I took a deep breath. Now or never. "I think I might be gay." There. "I mean - I don't know if I am, but I know that I'm in love with a girl right now and that's pretty gay, and I never felt this way about Finn, or about any guy, and when I think back some things make more sense, but I'm not sure if I am, and please say you won't leave me," I rambled.
She looked at me, confused. "Why would I?" She wrapped an arm around me. "You're my best friend, Q. I'm not going to leave you over this. In fact, this might as well be the time to tell you something I've been hiding for a long while, afraid of your reaction because I know how important your faith is to you... I might be gay as well. No, I am. I am gay."
I gulped. I'd never expected that. I stood up. "But a-all those b-boys?" I stammered.
She smirked. "Never enjoyed a minute with them. But it goes to show that covering this thing up works."
"I... wow, Santana. For how long have you known?"
"For as long as I've known Brittany."
My world fell apart. "Brittany?"
She nodded and looked away. "I... I've been in love with her for a long time now, Q. From before I even knew what it was."
"Does she know?"
She shrugged. "Yeah. We even had a thing last year, but she broke up with me because I wouldn't come out." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I lost her because I was a coward. You're the only one who knows apart from her."
Santana was in love with Brittany. Holy shit. This day was full of surprises. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked bitterly, hurt that she hadn't confided in me when she was the first person I ran to confronted with this... issue.
"As I said, I thought that maybe you'd... I don't know, freak or something. I also didn't want to worry you or anything, you had the whole miscarriage thing going on and I wanted to be there for you. You needed a friend, you needed support. I didn't want you to worry about me too much."
"But you were hurting! I can't believe I didn't even notice. I'm such a bitch!" I was beyond caring about my language. "My best friend's heart is breaking and I don't even see it!"
"Don't beat yourself up over it, Q. You've known me for long enough. You know how good I am at hiding my feelings."
"But you're my best friend!"
"This is going nowhere, Q."
"Wait a second - I know you're not as devout as we are, but didn't you in believe in God?" I asked confused.
She shrugged. "I still do. Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. I mean, I really want to, but I don't know."
"How... I don't get it. It's... wrong."
"No, it isn't," she says with a passion. "Whatever that moron told you this morning, it's not true! Look, I don't know if God exists. I want him to. I find it a comforting thought that at least there's someone loving everyone under the sun, no matter how flawed they are and no matter how many mistakes they make. I find it a comforting thought that at least there's someone out there who cares for me no matter what I do, who protects me no matter what choices I make. I believe in that kind of God."
"But Tana... I'm that someone too."
She shook her head. "It's different, Q. I can't explain it. Who is God to you?"
"I... I don't know." I'd honestly never thought about that before. I sat back down next to her. "I... I think... God is someone who created us," I started slowly. "God created this Earth with a vision of how it should be. He created us with a purpose. I believe God protects us and he is forgiving."
"Then why would it be wrong to be gay?"
"Because he put us on this earth to pro-create."
"And that is our only purpose? To make babies? Whose purpose it is to make more babies? What about people who are infertile? What about people who don't want children? They're just wandering around aimlessly, wasting air?"
"Of course not! I just... Fuck, Tana. I've never thought about this. It's how I grew up - going to Church and believing there's a God watching us who will judge us at the end of our life. A forgiving God - if you confess your sins and if you try to somehow make up for it."
"Who decides what sins will get you sent to hell, supposing there is a hell?"
"I... I don't know. I always just listened to the people at church and my parents." My voice is strained as I continue. "I know they think homosexuality is wrong, disgusting. What if they leave me again? What if God leaves you?"
"Q, don't worry about that. God will never leave you, not even when you want him to. I know your religion. It's about love and caring. It's about support, even for strangers. It's about accepting each other's differences and making things work, about building things together. It's not about rejection, it's not about bad-mouthing each other and denouncing your own children because of something they were born with. I refuse to believe God would condemn you based on who you love - because God, Quinn - at least you love! I believe God accepts everyone. I think if anything, he would want you to make up your own life and live to make yourself happy and not your parents."
"But the Bible..."
"Who wrote the Bible? God? Jesus?"
"No. People."
"Who did they hear it from?"
"I don't know."
"I've been through this exact same thing, Q. The Bible should never be taken literally, and it should never be taken as the ultimate word of God. You've no idea how fishy and complicated the history of the Bible is. You can use it to support any argument, it's so ambiguous. You won't find the truth there. You'll only find God's true word in your heart. Because if you believe in God, then God is in your heart and that's more important than an ancient book that's been translated a gazillion times and holds words that have undergone a change in meaning over all these years. I believe that you can use the Bible as an inspiration, but please don't take it literally. God would want you to think for yourself. He wouldn't want you to be suppressed by what others say. Do you honestly think He would prefer you to hate yourself? If you're gay, you can't help it. There's nothing you can do about it but embrace it and be proud of it. The true word of God is right there in that big heart of yours. I don't know if He exists, but I know that you believe in Him firmly. I don't believe God would abandon anyone."
I took the words in, remembering each and every single one. I felt the tears streaming down my face and she wrapped her arm around me tighter.
"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me."
"I know it's hard, Q. It must be so much harder on you. But we'll get through this, together. I promise. You're my best friend and I love you."
"I love you too." I pressed her body against mine and we fell back on the bed, lying there for a while, thinking.
Santana was the first to speak. "So you're in love with a girl. Care to tell me who it is?"
I knew this would come up eventually, but I couldn't tell her yet. There was too much to process. So I lied. I felt awful doing it, especially after this heart-to-heart, but I felt like I had no choice. "You don't know her."
"This is Lima, Q. Of course I know her."
"No, I met her on the internet. She's from Fort Collins, Colorado."
"For how long has this been going on?"
"A while. I don't know. A few months?"
"And where did you meet her on the internet? I didn't think you were that into it, to be honest."
"Oh, just tumblr. We shared a lot of common interests, exchanged our livejournal-accounts, then we started messaging there. She doesn't know I'm in love with her, though."
"So you've never met her in person?"
"No, but I'm planning to." I felt how this was getting worse and worse.
"I want to meet her too, then. See if she's worth all the pain and suffering," Santana winked.
Oh fuck. "It'll only be in a while, though. It's not like either of us has the time or money right now. I'm tired, though." I yawned demonstratively. "What about napping for an hour and then looking at our homework?"
"Okay." We shifted our positions until our heads hit the pillows. "Come here," she smiled, pulling me closer. Instead of spooning me from behind, she made sure we faced each other and directed my head to rest in the nape of her neck. "Don't worry, Q. Everything will work out fine."
The next Monday in Glee club, Santana and I were sitting together as always. Neither of us thought it was possible, but our friendship had grown stronger.
When everyone had arrived, Mr Schue turned around and wrote one word on the white paper: REGIONALS.
"So," Mr Schue said, turning towards us. "As you're all aware, Regionals are coming up and we have yet to put together a setlist."
Berry's hand shot up.
"Yes, Rachel?"
"I have the perfect song for the duet. I am convinced it fits mine and Finn's voice perfectly -"
"Mr Schue," Tina interrupted. Everyone turned around in surprise and she blushed at all the sudden attention.
"Maybe we should let Rachel finish first," Mr Schue said.
"Oh please," Santana rolled her eyes. "She's just going to go on about that perfect song for her and Finn for an hour. It's not like we haven't heard it before. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'm more interested in what Tina has to say."
"What do the rest of you think?" Schue asked, looking around. Nobody spoke out loud, but there was a collective murmur of agreement. "Fair enough, go ahead, Tina."
Berry looked a bit upset, but also curious as she turned to see Tina.
"Don't get me wrong, I think your voices are great," she addressed Finn and Berry. "But it's what we always do. I mean, the duet always goes to Finn and Rachel, and they always sing a romantic song. It's getting a bit old, to be honest."
"So, what do you suggest?"
"I suggest we do something different. Why don't we do a duet about friendship? And why don't we give others a chance to shine?"
"That sounds like a good idea, Tina. What do the rest of you guys think?"
"I think she's right," Mercedes said. "Friendship is important too and it'll make us stand out more. I value my friendship with Kurt and it deserves a duet."
"Thank you, Mercedes," Kurt beamed. "Our voices would be such an interesting combination!"
"Actually," Tina interrupted. "I think Quinn and Santana should do it. It would send the message that two girls can have a profound friendship, share a deep bond as well. They always stick together. I also think New Directions owes Santana something after not standing up for her when Rachel went out of line."
Everyone was surprised - they couldn't remember when Tina had last spoken so much. They all agreed with her, though. Santana and I were even more surprised, but we could see in each other's eyes that we loved the idea.
"That's an interesting train of thought, Tina," Mr Schue acknowledged. "Quinn, Santana, what do you think?"
"We'd love to, Mr Schue," I beamed. I then turned to Santana. "In fact, I think we already know the perfect song."
She nodded. We both knew which one. We also knew it by heart.
"Could you learn it by Friday and perform it for us?"
"Sure."
It was Friday and I could tell that she was slightly nervous. She had no doubt about her voice, but this was a big deal for both of us. We didn't want to mess up.
In a rare public display of affection, she kissed me next to my eye. I did the same. We sat down on chairs in front of the others. They looked at us expectantly. The band started playing the music. We looked at each other, nodded. We hadn't worked out any choreography, this was all about the singing.
Santana's voice instantly calmed my nerves. It was amazing how fitting the words were with recent events in mind.
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I sang the chorus along with her.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Now it was my turn. Santana smiled at me.
So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong
We harmonised again.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
The next part was for Santana.
And when
When the night falls on you, baby
We finished the song together.
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
The choir room was quiet as the song finished. I could see that Santana had tears in her eyes and I knew how mortified she'd be if she would involuntarily start crying in front of the rest of Glee club. We stood up and I took her in my arms so that she could hide her face in my shoulder. She shook very slightly.
"Thank you," I whispered to her. "I love you. I meant every word of it."
"Me too," her voice cracked. "Me too, Q."
Mr Schue was the first one to speak. "Well, that was amazing, girls. I think it's safe to say that we all agree on doing this for Regionals."
Nobody protested.
A/N: The song is obviously "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders. I know Finn sang this to Kurt in S1, but let's pretend he didn't. It was just too perfect to let it pass and I had a hard time finding a good song because a lot of songs reminded me too much of a friend of mine with whom I'm in a difficult situation with at the moment.
A/N 2: I don't mean to offend anyone with the talk about God. I don't believe in God myself - officially I'm Catholic, having been baptised, having done my first communion, having been confirmed - but I don't believe God exists. I know this story is very AU, but I still felt like I couldn't get around this with Quinn as it is established in the show how strongly she believes. The emphasis lessons as the show continues, but I don't think she'd ever stop believing in God. I felt that with her upbringing and the kind of faith her parents bestow upon her, she would break out in gay panic at a certain point. In an earlier future chapter it was already said Santana was the one helping her with this, so I thought I'd address it now. I tried very hard to capture Santana's and Quinn's feelings on the matter, but I might be way off, I don't know.
>> next
Author: kalexico
Pairing, Character(s): Quinn Fabray/Santana Lopez
Rating: PG 13
Word Count: 3811
Summary: Quinn and Santana have a heart-to-heart.
_______
part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight
My heart was pounding in my ears, my mouth dry, tears stinging in my eyes. I stared through the window, avoiding my parents who were sitting in the front, hoping that they wouldn't suspect anything was wrong. They never did and for once, I was grateful for that.
Dad pulled up in front of the house and I went straight to my room, mumbling something about homework. I slumped down on my bed and let the tears fall freely. After a while, the sobbing subdued and all I could do was let my thoughts wash over me.
I wasn't that good Christian girl anymore, but I was still Christian. I still believed in God and my faith was still important to me. That morning, the sermon in church had been on homosexuality. It left me wondering how I had let it come this far, how I had been okay with it all along. I should've fought it harder, bashed it when it started.
The worst part was that I couldn't tell anyone without telling them that I was in love with a girl. Brittany wouldn't understand what the big deal was and although I felt close enough to the people in Glee club, their recent betrayal - because that was what it felt like - of Santana left me feeling stranded. Sure, Mike and Tina had reached out to us afterwards, but that didn't make us best buddies. That didn't mean I trusted them enough. And in the end, how would they understand what I was going through?
I decided I only had one choice. There was one person only in whom I could confide: Santana. I took a deep breath, grabbed my phone and dialled her number.
"Tana, can you come over?" I hated how thin my voice sounded.
"Sure, but I haven't had lunch yet. Should I bring something or are we going somewhere?"
"Um... just pick something up on the way. My parents are leaving soon to have lunch with the Mulhollands anyway."
"Are you okay, Q?" she asked worriedly. I cursed myself mentally for not being able to make myself sound at least okay.
"Yeah, sure," I brushed it off. "Just get some Chinese or something. The usual."
"Okay, I'll be there in half an hour."
"See you then."
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, Santana!" I managed to sound a little annoyed. "Now go and get that food! I'm starving."
"Aren't you always," she chuckled. "Ever since you're off the Cheerios..."
"Starving, Santana."
"Alright, alright, I'm going. See you later."
"Yeah, see you."
Santana wasn't one to break promises and half an hour later, she was at the front door. My parents had left just ten minutes earlier. Santana was her usual snarky self, commenting on her mother's antics before she had even looked at me. She walked straight to the kitchen, getting some plates out. I followed her, hearing her out but not really listening. At first, she didn't notice anything particular about my silence because that was how it usually went.
It was when she turned around that she stopped her rant mid-sentence and her face fell. She walked over to me and searched my eyes. "What's wrong, Q?"
I swallowed. Suddenly, I started to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I'd known her all my life, but we had never really talked about this subject before. What if she was a homophobe and had never let it on?
The words came out strangled. "Everything. Can we just... can we eat first? I don't want the food to go cold. I don't want to eat it alone, because if I tell you now that's how it might end up and I want to at least have lunch with you one more time before you possibly drop me and leave me behind like my parents did when I was pregnant and-"
"Q, you're worrying me now. You know I would never leave you."
"Tana, please... can we just have lunch first?" My voice trembled and I willed the tears not to well up. I didn't want her to see me this upset without knowing what was going on.
"Okay. We'll eat first, but promise me you'll tell me what's going on afterwards?"
I nodded. "I promise. Don't worry, Tana."
She sat down and I could tell she was still anxious to know what was up. It was an awkward lunch and not much was said. We were both nervous. After quickly doing the dishes together, I took her to my room.
"So, what's going on. What happened?" Suddenly, she seemed to get an idea. "Did someone try to hurt you?" She sounded angry. "Who was it, Q? Give me their name and I swear I'll fucking-"
"No, it's nothing like that. It's..." I searched for words. Everything was spinning, nothing seemed to be real anymore. "Can you just hold me?" I asked in a tiny voice.
All this hugging - it wasn't something we used to do. But then Finn and Puck and the pregnancy happened. The hormones made me emotional, my parents abandoning me made me feel insecure and all I wanted was a pair of strong arms wrapped around me tightly. Asking Finn to do that made me feel guilty. Same story for Puck. And in the end, I didn't want Puck to embrace me. For a long time, Santana was the only one who knew the truth, and she held me. It's a habit we didn't break after the miscarriage.
So now, it wasn't that weird for me to ask her to hold me. We fell into each other automatically, melted together. It felt so natural and the thought that this might be the last time we got to do this made me hold on tighter. I was so fucking scared I'd lose her over this, over something I wasn't sure of. But I had to tell her. She tried to pull out of the hug several times, but I wouldn't allow her.
"Okay, Q, now I'm really worried. You're acting like someone died."
For a second, I wished that were the case instead of what was really going on. I immediately regretted the thought and chastised myself.
I cleared my throat and stepped back, sitting down on my bed. "So I went to church this morning and the topic was homosexuality."
I thought I saw a flash of mixed emotions in her eyes, almost like fear, but it was gone within the span of a second. She nodded slowly and sat down next to me. I was trembling.
"It wasn't very... nice, as you can imagine."
"Why are you so upset over this?" Her voice sounded hoarse and she coughed, looking away.
I took a deep breath. Now or never. "I think I might be gay." There. "I mean - I don't know if I am, but I know that I'm in love with a girl right now and that's pretty gay, and I never felt this way about Finn, or about any guy, and when I think back some things make more sense, but I'm not sure if I am, and please say you won't leave me," I rambled.
She looked at me, confused. "Why would I?" She wrapped an arm around me. "You're my best friend, Q. I'm not going to leave you over this. In fact, this might as well be the time to tell you something I've been hiding for a long while, afraid of your reaction because I know how important your faith is to you... I might be gay as well. No, I am. I am gay."
I gulped. I'd never expected that. I stood up. "But a-all those b-boys?" I stammered.
She smirked. "Never enjoyed a minute with them. But it goes to show that covering this thing up works."
"I... wow, Santana. For how long have you known?"
"For as long as I've known Brittany."
My world fell apart. "Brittany?"
She nodded and looked away. "I... I've been in love with her for a long time now, Q. From before I even knew what it was."
"Does she know?"
She shrugged. "Yeah. We even had a thing last year, but she broke up with me because I wouldn't come out." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I lost her because I was a coward. You're the only one who knows apart from her."
Santana was in love with Brittany. Holy shit. This day was full of surprises. "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked bitterly, hurt that she hadn't confided in me when she was the first person I ran to confronted with this... issue.
"As I said, I thought that maybe you'd... I don't know, freak or something. I also didn't want to worry you or anything, you had the whole miscarriage thing going on and I wanted to be there for you. You needed a friend, you needed support. I didn't want you to worry about me too much."
"But you were hurting! I can't believe I didn't even notice. I'm such a bitch!" I was beyond caring about my language. "My best friend's heart is breaking and I don't even see it!"
"Don't beat yourself up over it, Q. You've known me for long enough. You know how good I am at hiding my feelings."
"But you're my best friend!"
"This is going nowhere, Q."
"Wait a second - I know you're not as devout as we are, but didn't you in believe in God?" I asked confused.
She shrugged. "I still do. Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. I mean, I really want to, but I don't know."
"How... I don't get it. It's... wrong."
"No, it isn't," she says with a passion. "Whatever that moron told you this morning, it's not true! Look, I don't know if God exists. I want him to. I find it a comforting thought that at least there's someone loving everyone under the sun, no matter how flawed they are and no matter how many mistakes they make. I find it a comforting thought that at least there's someone out there who cares for me no matter what I do, who protects me no matter what choices I make. I believe in that kind of God."
"But Tana... I'm that someone too."
She shook her head. "It's different, Q. I can't explain it. Who is God to you?"
"I... I don't know." I'd honestly never thought about that before. I sat back down next to her. "I... I think... God is someone who created us," I started slowly. "God created this Earth with a vision of how it should be. He created us with a purpose. I believe God protects us and he is forgiving."
"Then why would it be wrong to be gay?"
"Because he put us on this earth to pro-create."
"And that is our only purpose? To make babies? Whose purpose it is to make more babies? What about people who are infertile? What about people who don't want children? They're just wandering around aimlessly, wasting air?"
"Of course not! I just... Fuck, Tana. I've never thought about this. It's how I grew up - going to Church and believing there's a God watching us who will judge us at the end of our life. A forgiving God - if you confess your sins and if you try to somehow make up for it."
"Who decides what sins will get you sent to hell, supposing there is a hell?"
"I... I don't know. I always just listened to the people at church and my parents." My voice is strained as I continue. "I know they think homosexuality is wrong, disgusting. What if they leave me again? What if God leaves you?"
"Q, don't worry about that. God will never leave you, not even when you want him to. I know your religion. It's about love and caring. It's about support, even for strangers. It's about accepting each other's differences and making things work, about building things together. It's not about rejection, it's not about bad-mouthing each other and denouncing your own children because of something they were born with. I refuse to believe God would condemn you based on who you love - because God, Quinn - at least you love! I believe God accepts everyone. I think if anything, he would want you to make up your own life and live to make yourself happy and not your parents."
"But the Bible..."
"Who wrote the Bible? God? Jesus?"
"No. People."
"Who did they hear it from?"
"I don't know."
"I've been through this exact same thing, Q. The Bible should never be taken literally, and it should never be taken as the ultimate word of God. You've no idea how fishy and complicated the history of the Bible is. You can use it to support any argument, it's so ambiguous. You won't find the truth there. You'll only find God's true word in your heart. Because if you believe in God, then God is in your heart and that's more important than an ancient book that's been translated a gazillion times and holds words that have undergone a change in meaning over all these years. I believe that you can use the Bible as an inspiration, but please don't take it literally. God would want you to think for yourself. He wouldn't want you to be suppressed by what others say. Do you honestly think He would prefer you to hate yourself? If you're gay, you can't help it. There's nothing you can do about it but embrace it and be proud of it. The true word of God is right there in that big heart of yours. I don't know if He exists, but I know that you believe in Him firmly. I don't believe God would abandon anyone."
I took the words in, remembering each and every single one. I felt the tears streaming down my face and she wrapped her arm around me tighter.
"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me."
"I know it's hard, Q. It must be so much harder on you. But we'll get through this, together. I promise. You're my best friend and I love you."
"I love you too." I pressed her body against mine and we fell back on the bed, lying there for a while, thinking.
Santana was the first to speak. "So you're in love with a girl. Care to tell me who it is?"
I knew this would come up eventually, but I couldn't tell her yet. There was too much to process. So I lied. I felt awful doing it, especially after this heart-to-heart, but I felt like I had no choice. "You don't know her."
"This is Lima, Q. Of course I know her."
"No, I met her on the internet. She's from Fort Collins, Colorado."
"For how long has this been going on?"
"A while. I don't know. A few months?"
"And where did you meet her on the internet? I didn't think you were that into it, to be honest."
"Oh, just tumblr. We shared a lot of common interests, exchanged our livejournal-accounts, then we started messaging there. She doesn't know I'm in love with her, though."
"So you've never met her in person?"
"No, but I'm planning to." I felt how this was getting worse and worse.
"I want to meet her too, then. See if she's worth all the pain and suffering," Santana winked.
Oh fuck. "It'll only be in a while, though. It's not like either of us has the time or money right now. I'm tired, though." I yawned demonstratively. "What about napping for an hour and then looking at our homework?"
"Okay." We shifted our positions until our heads hit the pillows. "Come here," she smiled, pulling me closer. Instead of spooning me from behind, she made sure we faced each other and directed my head to rest in the nape of her neck. "Don't worry, Q. Everything will work out fine."
The next Monday in Glee club, Santana and I were sitting together as always. Neither of us thought it was possible, but our friendship had grown stronger.
When everyone had arrived, Mr Schue turned around and wrote one word on the white paper: REGIONALS.
"So," Mr Schue said, turning towards us. "As you're all aware, Regionals are coming up and we have yet to put together a setlist."
Berry's hand shot up.
"Yes, Rachel?"
"I have the perfect song for the duet. I am convinced it fits mine and Finn's voice perfectly -"
"Mr Schue," Tina interrupted. Everyone turned around in surprise and she blushed at all the sudden attention.
"Maybe we should let Rachel finish first," Mr Schue said.
"Oh please," Santana rolled her eyes. "She's just going to go on about that perfect song for her and Finn for an hour. It's not like we haven't heard it before. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'm more interested in what Tina has to say."
"What do the rest of you think?" Schue asked, looking around. Nobody spoke out loud, but there was a collective murmur of agreement. "Fair enough, go ahead, Tina."
Berry looked a bit upset, but also curious as she turned to see Tina.
"Don't get me wrong, I think your voices are great," she addressed Finn and Berry. "But it's what we always do. I mean, the duet always goes to Finn and Rachel, and they always sing a romantic song. It's getting a bit old, to be honest."
"So, what do you suggest?"
"I suggest we do something different. Why don't we do a duet about friendship? And why don't we give others a chance to shine?"
"That sounds like a good idea, Tina. What do the rest of you guys think?"
"I think she's right," Mercedes said. "Friendship is important too and it'll make us stand out more. I value my friendship with Kurt and it deserves a duet."
"Thank you, Mercedes," Kurt beamed. "Our voices would be such an interesting combination!"
"Actually," Tina interrupted. "I think Quinn and Santana should do it. It would send the message that two girls can have a profound friendship, share a deep bond as well. They always stick together. I also think New Directions owes Santana something after not standing up for her when Rachel went out of line."
Everyone was surprised - they couldn't remember when Tina had last spoken so much. They all agreed with her, though. Santana and I were even more surprised, but we could see in each other's eyes that we loved the idea.
"That's an interesting train of thought, Tina," Mr Schue acknowledged. "Quinn, Santana, what do you think?"
"We'd love to, Mr Schue," I beamed. I then turned to Santana. "In fact, I think we already know the perfect song."
She nodded. We both knew which one. We also knew it by heart.
"Could you learn it by Friday and perform it for us?"
"Sure."
It was Friday and I could tell that she was slightly nervous. She had no doubt about her voice, but this was a big deal for both of us. We didn't want to mess up.
In a rare public display of affection, she kissed me next to my eye. I did the same. We sat down on chairs in front of the others. They looked at us expectantly. The band started playing the music. We looked at each other, nodded. We hadn't worked out any choreography, this was all about the singing.
Santana's voice instantly calmed my nerves. It was amazing how fitting the words were with recent events in mind.
Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I sang the chorus along with her.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Now it was my turn. Santana smiled at me.
So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong
We harmonised again.
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
The next part was for Santana.
And when
When the night falls on you, baby
We finished the song together.
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
The choir room was quiet as the song finished. I could see that Santana had tears in her eyes and I knew how mortified she'd be if she would involuntarily start crying in front of the rest of Glee club. We stood up and I took her in my arms so that she could hide her face in my shoulder. She shook very slightly.
"Thank you," I whispered to her. "I love you. I meant every word of it."
"Me too," her voice cracked. "Me too, Q."
Mr Schue was the first one to speak. "Well, that was amazing, girls. I think it's safe to say that we all agree on doing this for Regionals."
Nobody protested.
A/N: The song is obviously "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders. I know Finn sang this to Kurt in S1, but let's pretend he didn't. It was just too perfect to let it pass and I had a hard time finding a good song because a lot of songs reminded me too much of a friend of mine with whom I'm in a difficult situation with at the moment.
A/N 2: I don't mean to offend anyone with the talk about God. I don't believe in God myself - officially I'm Catholic, having been baptised, having done my first communion, having been confirmed - but I don't believe God exists. I know this story is very AU, but I still felt like I couldn't get around this with Quinn as it is established in the show how strongly she believes. The emphasis lessons as the show continues, but I don't think she'd ever stop believing in God. I felt that with her upbringing and the kind of faith her parents bestow upon her, she would break out in gay panic at a certain point. In an earlier future chapter it was already said Santana was the one helping her with this, so I thought I'd address it now. I tried very hard to capture Santana's and Quinn's feelings on the matter, but I might be way off, I don't know.
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