Hate the Sin, and the Sinner [4minute/beast; gayoon (gayoon/doojoon)]
Hate the Sin, and the Sinner
gayoon-centric (gayoon/doojoon)
pg-13, 9700 words
Confucius said "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Gayoon thinks that clearly, Confucius never met an idol.
originally posted here for kpop_olymfics! written to the prompt 'all right - lim kim'
It’s safe to say Gayoon’s career is probably ruined. Not her career as a whole, of course. But her career as being relatively wholesome and at the very least, slightly more likeable than the rest of her bandmates. She says this aloud without any reservation now. The first time she blurted it out when they were watching TV, she froze, an apology towards Hyuna ready on the tip of her tongue. Hyuna however, had looked delighted, like the least she could do was make the rest of them look like better people through relativity.
Until Gayoon screwed it up, that is.
It’s like this: she swears on national broadcast.
Usually Gayoon is a lot more sensible than what her current predicament implies. Sure, she may not be particularly variety savvy, but she at least knows not to swear on fucking television. It isn’t her fault though. Not completely, at least. She had been doing her best during the filming, sitting with her legs together, remembering to smile and laugh at the right jokes. Gayoon is a mature person, a professional. Yoon Doojoon however, is definitely not. Yoon Doojoon is a bloody man child, who can’t even retain a simple level of cordiality when they’re recording amongst seniors. Yoon Doojoon, very blatantly, shifts his seat as far away from Gayoon as possible without completely falling over onto Kikwang’s lap. And Gayoon, being an adult, sees it as her duty to put Doojoon in his fucking place and tells him, ”What the fuck is your problem, you dickhead?”.
On the actual day, Doojoon had just given her a quick glance, before pointedly turning away again, and Gayoon went back to fuming silently while Jiyoon rubbed her arm consolingly. The filming went on without a hitch, and when called to do aegyo Gayoon was terrible and Jiyoon was just the right amount of genuinely cute and hilariously overwrought to at least guarantee them both five minutes of screen time. Kikwang patted her on the back after the filming and told her "not your best work, Gayoonie," and immediately had his position of "begrudging best male friend" revoked, which, going by his hasty retreat, Kikwang probably realised.
Doojoon didn't say bye to her after the filming, and he hadn't even sent her a text after the subsequent explosion on pann either.
Gayoon hadn't caught it. Which was probably what the sound editors intended. Obviously not anticipating the boredom of a discontented college student with access to Audacity and too much time. Gayoon isn't really surprised; she's lived with Sohyun long enough to know that today's youth are going to be the pitfall of mankind, and as a result likes to believe she handled it with a calm head. She isn't going to lie and say she wasn't annoyed, and okay, maybe it takes Jiyoon to cut off the WiFi for Gayoon to not write a scathing comment back on the original post, but that's a fairly healthy reaction to have towards someone who's guilty of libel. And yeah, okay, the fifteen Kakaotalk messages she sent Kikwang (who Gayoon knows has seen them, but like his coward of a best friend, hasn't replied) weren't nice, but this was all just in the first five minutes.
It's only after the fourth article about it is published in eight hours that Gayoon finally concedes that her image is possibly in hot water. Jiyoon is next to her, dutifully refreshing the news portals, and despite fronting as delusionally optimistic thus far, once the top comment on the original article reaches seven thousand votes, she turns to Gayoon and says: "I feel like... you should maybe turn your phone back on now."
In order, Gayoon registers that 1) Kikwang, as predicted, hasn't replied to her messages, 2) Doojoon is currently online and his last message is still from three weeks ago 3) there are eighty unread messages on their group chat, sixty of them from Hyuna, too many of them made up of purely emoticons 4) Jihyun has started a completely irrelevant conversation with her about the weather 5) the new KakaoTalk update suffers from some serious design flaws.
"So I have fifteen missed calls from the CEO," Gayoon says.
Jiyoon nods eagerly. "This is good. That's good. We can just get it over and done with."
Gayoon doesn't feel sorry for herself. It's her seventh year in this game, and in between being accused of plastic surgery, and one of her members’ being plagued by pregnancy rumours, this is really just a splinter in the grand scheme of things. Maybe this splinter gets under her skin deeper than she's used to -- but it's nothing careful hands can't fix.
Gayoon collapses onto Jiyoon's lap, who reassuringly strokes her fingers through Gayoon's hair. "Being an idol sucks," Gayoon groans.
"I know, Gayoori," Jiyoon sighs. "I know."
The company has a crisis management meeting for it. Gayoon sits at the edge of the table, bemoaning the time wasted on picking an appropriate outfit for an event that has her sitting quietly, mouth shut, while the PR manager gives her the stink-eye. She isn’t relevant enough to go on Healing Camp -- and even if she was, Gayoon finds that option a teeny bit dramatic -- so they do the next best thing and manage to wedge some time into 4Minute’s upcoming Radio Star appearance to give her an opportunity to apologise. The PR manager swiftly fabricates an anecdote about Gayoon regulating 4Minute’s swear jar, and then the meeting is adjourned with a group of forty-something-year-olds grumbling as they walk past Gayoon on their way to the door.
Sohyun finds the entire story ludicrous, and Gayoon allows herself a moment of righteous agreement until Sohyun continues with: “The swear jar should be my idea. In fact it was my idea, and when I suggested it you swore at me.”
“That’s because it was a stupid idea,” Gayoon snaps.
Sohyun sits up straight on the couch, leaning forward like she’s about to bestow great wisdom onto Gayoon. “People only swear when they don’t have anything else intelligent to say.”
“Sohyun, don’t be twelve.”
"I was parodying myself! Obviously I don't think that, you're very intelligent unnie."
"I think she knew that," Hyuna says, lounging back across the floor with her feet hooked on the couch. Gayoon's script is held up towards the light. "This story is so boring," she whines, letting go of the papers and letting them fall onto her face, "if we're going to lie can't we make it a little exciting."
"Add in some backstory about how six years ago Gayoon unnie--"
"Sohyun, just let it go."
Jiyoon nudges her from the side. Gayoon gives her an exasperated look, and Jiyoon returns it with a soft smile -- one that does nothing to ease the anxiety building up inside of Gayoon, but makes it a little more bearable.
“It’ll be fine,” Jiyoon insists. “Remember when that photo of you putting up the middle finger was leaked--”
“Uploaded, you uploaded onto your twitter.”
Jiyoon waves that little detail off. “I’m saying you’ll bounce back from it. This is just a bigger deal because it was on broadcast. Don’t treat it like a big deal, and it won’t be a big deal.” A pause. “Want me to teach you aegyo?”
Gayoon’s upper lip pulls up and she pushes Jiyoon away by the face.
Gayoon prides herself on being fairly perceptive. Although, to be fair, Hyuna has as much subtlety as a tumour, so her shutting the laptop and kicking Sohyun off the couch is as good a give away as any.
“Tell me the damage,” Gayoon sighs, flopping down onto the practice room floor.
“Nothing, there’s nothing here. Honestly, it’s disappointing. They’re so much more creative when it comes to me,” Hyuna denies, shaking her head.
Gayoon is tired, and she doesn’t want this day to last longer than it has to. “Sohyun, what are they saying?”
Hyuna levels Sohyun with a warning glare, and Sohyun swallows. The attempt is cute -- but Gayoon didn't suffer through the setbacks of having a resting bitch face without knowing how to take advantage of it in the right way.
"Sohyun," Gayoon says. Sohyun meets her stare. Gayoon is silent. Waiting.
"Stay strong, Sohyun," Hyuna whispers.
Gayoon lets the corner of her mouth turn down minutely.
"Everyone thinks you're full of bullshit!" Sohyun blurts out before slapping her hands over her mouth.
Hyuna grabs Sohyun and pulls her into the headlock. Gayoon ignores Sohyun's screams of protest and uses the distraction to drag the laptop away from Hyuna and pull up the browser.
I can't stand fake bitches like her. Does she think we're stupid?
I only watched it to see what bullshit excuse she'd come up with. At least Heo Gayoon doesn't disappoint.
I'm a B2UTY, and I'm disappointed. I've always supported Gayoon because even though she looks bitchy, I genuinely thought she was a good person behind.
Gayoon's read enough. She needs an aspirin. Or a tub of ice cream. Thank God she's off that enzyme diet.
After the Radio Star stint falls spectacularly short of expectations, her company has another order for her.
“Stay low,” her manager says, “just… don’t do anything. It’ll blow over.”
Gayoon is only partially irritated. When she’d suggested it during the PR meeting, they had patronised her with a wry smile, before moving on to talk amongst themselves. Gayoon can hardly manage to be herself on variety shows, let alone fake being someone who’s not fake. It was a doomed plan from the start. Regardless, considering that all of them except Hyuna manage to stay low without even meaning to, Gayoon figures it really can’t be that hard to do.
Except apparently it is, and Gayoon doesn’t remember feeling so restless. Suddenly she craves for her old dorm life fiercely. When the five of them had first been forced to occupy the same space, Gayoon couldn’t visualise it working out. She spent most of the time in her room with Jiyoon, trying not to think about how she’d get by living with three other people who wouldn’t even entertain the idea of letting her keep the pet snake she longed for. When the five of them had finally moved out -- thanks to numerous reasons ranging from monetary to the fact Gayoon was beginning to feel a little insecure not having ever lived alone at twenty-four-- it had been after months of putting off looking for potential apartments, nights spent sleeping together in the living room, and a goodbye party despite their new homes being less than ten minutes from each other. At the end of it, Gayoon didn’t even mind that she didn’t get her snake.
Gayoon doesn’t live for the cameras, but being away from them for so long is unnerving. It stems from some toxic fear that the longer she goes without being in the public eye, the longer they have to forget about her completely. Having Hyuna or whoever arrive at the dorm, exhausted and ready to sleep with their face still caked with makeup, helped ease that feeling of disconnect. Without it, even though Gayoon has wanted nothing more than a long break since turning twenty-one, there’s a large piece of her that’s detached from her rational thinking skills that exists just to eat away at her insides.
The other four always call and text, and Sohyun -- who unfortunately is the current member on rotation for having almost no schedule -- likes barging into her apartment at odd times and ruining the feng shui. In between these visits, Gayoon catches up with old friends, borrows a bunch of books about design and textiles from one of the stylists, tries to learn how to cook, and ends up calling her manager at one in the morning in a frenzy.
“Gayoon, what--”
“I need something to do,” Gayoon says. “Anything.” At the resounding silence from the other end, Gayoon tries to turn her voice into one that doesn’t belong to a person who’d spent the entire weekend colour coordinating their linen closet. “I really want to get out of my apartment,” she amends. “It’s been three weeks. Is there anything I had that we can un-cancel? I just- I don’t- I don’t know…” She lies back down on her bed. Wishes she had someone beside her.
There’s nothing but breathing coming from the receiver, and then there’s the inexplicable sound of her manager sighing. “Fine. There’s a launch party for Gina’s mini-album this weekend. There’ll be cameras. You can come in a show of company support.”
Gayoon exhales. The room feels bigger all of a sudden. “Thanks, that’s great,” she answers.
“Stay low,” her manager reminds, sternly.
Gayoon nods. “Got it. Staying low.”
Gayoon misses her apartment.
“Oppa said you begged him to let you come,” Jihyun says, eyebrow raised. Gayoon can’t really say anything to defend herself, so she takes another sip of her drink and looks away.
Weeks of isolation has made Gayoon underestimate her own ineptitude in regards to intelligent socialising. Despite the reputation she’d somehow managed to amass amongst other idols, Gayoon doesn’t actually think she’s someone particularly hard to get along with. Socialising within an industry setting, however, is a completely different ball game. Genuine friendships exist, but whether intentional or not, every handshake, smile, and bow is done with ulterior motives. Gayoon doesn’t have a huge moral objection to it, but she feels like there are Won signs rolling in her eyes whenever she approaches someone.
“I don’t know anyone here,” Gayoon hisses. “Where’s everybody we know?”
Jihyun shrugs, grabbing a mini-sausage from a passing waiter and popping it into her mouth daintily. “They’re all busy. Hey, but I can see your boyfriends.”
Gayoon follows Jihyun’s line of sight, but already knows who Jihyun’s talking about before she sees them. Kikwang and Doojoon are at the other side of the hall, looking much more comfortable than Gayoon feels, and talking up two unfamiliar female figures.
Gayoon scowls, pretends the coke in her hand is soju and takes a gulp. “No thanks. I’ll just stay here.”
Jihyun laughs, like she hasn’t spent the last hour in solidarity with Gayoon, sitting awkwardly in the corner where people only look at them to check if they’re important, before walking past. “Why are you so angry at them?” Jihyun asks.
Gayoon blinks and raises an eyebrow. “Because I’m in a crappy situation right now and it’s their fault?” She doesn’t mean to say it, doesn’t even really mean it, but she wants to pat herself on the back because it’s a plausible excuse and Jihyun buys it easily.
At that moment, Kikwang turns around and catches Gayoon’s eye. He looks surprised to see her, and Gayoon, suddenly recalling how Kikwang hasn’t sent her one text in the past few weeks, drags her finger across her throat. Kikwang looks halfway between alarmed and apologetic, and it makes Gayoon feel better instantly until Kikwang elbows Doojoon, who looks back, and then looks away promptly.
Gayoon stands up. “I’m going to go get another drink,” she announces. She doesn’t wait for Jihyun’s reply before she strides over to the bar.
Gayoon doesn’t trust herself to have alcohol in her current mood, so she orders a glass of water. She’s playing with the straw in her hand when someone slides up next to her, in a way that’s much too smooth not to be premeditated, but Gayoon ignores it.
“I heard you’re in some hot water,” he says. His voice is deep, mature, and it catches her off guard. Gayoon looks up from her drink.
“Sorry?” she asks.
He’s a lot older than her, not so much that there’s anything paternal about him, but enough that there are small character lines decorating his face, and confidence in how he wears his suit. He nods at Gayoon expectantly, waiting for a smart retort. The entire situation is literally Gayoon’s worst nightmare.
“Yeah, I… I slipped up a bit on broadcast,” she answers, quickly drinking from her glass in case he expects her to elaborate.
He laughs, full bodied. “Yeah, I heard. Fucking brutal. Your other members are okay? You guys don’t live in the same dorm anymore, right?”
It’s weird. He talks to Gayoon, leans into her space like he knows her. In fact, she guesses he probably thinks he does. He’s probably seen her on interviews, performing on stage, winking at the M!Countdown camera asking viewers to accept her heart on Valentines Day. It’s weird that he knows so much about her, and she doesn’t even know his name. Now that she’s contemplating it, it’s sort of weird that it’s her job.
“I’m sorry,” she says, “I didn’t catch your name?”
He sniffs, and hands her a business card from his pocket. It’s warm between Gayoon’s fingers, and she bends the cardboard a little. It’s good quality. “Jang Kyungtae,” she reads, and then her eyes widen, “executive at SBS Viacom LLC. Oh, sorry I didn’t-”
He pushes his hands forward, halting her apologies. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I don’t make myself easily recognisable.” He grins, moves a bit closer so their shoulders are brushing, and if Gayoon turns they’d be chest to chest.
“If you have a hard time managing to get on broadcast, I can make it a bit easier for you,” he offers. “I know the public is too harsh, it’s unfair that a good person like you would suffer because of a small accident.”
This close, Gayoon is confident in her assessment that the character lines around his eyes are more like wrinkles. She bends her head a little bit, adjusts her hair so it’s covering her face like a curtain. She isn’t stupid, isn’t unaware that these things happen. She’s even had to intervene and save Hyuna from them once or twice. She tries to think of a way she can make quick escape without antagonising anyone.
“I’m fine,” she answers, trying to sound resolute. Something flashes in his eyes and Gayoon has to stop herself from swallowing. It’ll be fine. She has faith in her company’s ability to be more evil than other evils. “Really, thanks for the offer but it’s unnecessary.” She leaves the water on the bar and grubs her clutch, not looking back as she hurries away.
She isn’t watching where she’s going as she leaves the hall -- in the middle of sending Jihyun a reassuring text -- and bumps into something warm and hard. Gayoon is about to apologise, until she registers who it is, and then twirls on her heels to walk in the opposite direction.
“Wait wait wait!” Kikwang says, grabbing her by the elbow and pulling her back.
Gayoon yanks her arm out of Kikwang’s grip and fixes him with her best glare. Doojoon stands behind Kikwang, and Gayoon has to bite her lip to stop her eyes from straying.
“What?” she deadpans.
Kikwang opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. Closes it. Looks at Doojoon for help. Doojoon imitates Kikwang’s goldfish act, before raising his shoulders and echoing Gayoon’s sentiments. “What?”
Gayoon snorts. “This has been riveting. I’m going to go now.” She roughly knocks Kikwang on the shoulder when she strides past him. She's about to do some complicated manoeuvre to avoid breathing too much of the same air as Doojoon altogether, when he walks backwards so that he’s standing in front of her.
Gayoon stops and growls. “What?” she asks, patience wearing thin.
“Are you okay?” Doojoon asks. Gayoon eyes him skeptically, waiting for the unnecessary comment to follow. It doesn’t come. There’s not even a smirk, or a suggestive eyebrow raise. He looks worried, and with every second that passes with him looking at Gayoon like that, her breathing gets shallower and shallower until she realises it’s stopped altogether.
“I’m fine,” she croaks, her mouth dry. Gayoon is a hormonal idiot. “Why do you ask?”
Doojoon doesn’t look like he wants to answer, and he should really know better, because that’s an answer enough. Gayoon isn’t even angry, she just feels mortified.
“I don’t- I’m not going to think about it. So don’t beat him up for me or anything stupid like that,” Gayoon replies defensively, crossing her arms over her chest. Doojoon’s lips quirk up, and she realises that she’s about to see him genuinely smile at her for probably the first time in weeks.
“Do you want us to make out with him instead?” Kikwang pipes up from behind them, effectively pricking whatever bubble Gayoon had found herself in.
Doojoon snickers, looks around Gayoon to high five Kikwang over their mutual ten-year-old humour. Gayoon rolls her eyes, elbows Doojoon in the ribs before stalking away from the two of them. They’re both idiots, but she’s thankful for the distraction that helps push the events of the night away.
“Hey Gayoon, you didn’t answer our question!” Kikwang calls.
Gayoon raises a hand in the air and flips him the bird.
Gayoon wakes up the next day feeling lighter, the anxiety twisting around her chest and stomach having loosened it’s hold. She lets herself stare at the ceiling fan above the bed without worrying about anything, trying to match her breathing with it’s rotations.
This is it. This is how she’s going to get by until the month is over, waiting for her official reflection period to end. Just spend the entire time lying in bed, with occasional booster shots of fame to stop her from going stir crazy. Like the sad protagonist in a KBS melodrama.
Gayoon groans and buries her head into her pillow.
Her phone vibrates from the bedside table, and Gayoon reaches a hand out to blindly grope around until she finds it. She squints, trying to adjust to the brightness, and frowns when she spots the notification for forty unread messages. The most recent one is from Jiyoon, and Gayoon taps on their conversation to pull it up.
She reads through the messages, and without anyone around to stop her, Gayoon throws her phone out the window.
“Heo Gayoon, 26, member of girl group 4Minute, found flirting with married member of the Executive Board for SBS Viacom, Jang Kyungtae, 39. Exclusive photos by Sports Seoul,” Jiyoon reads out dramatically.
“I wasn’t flirting with him,” Gayoon bites out for the fiftieth time this morning. Nobody in the room disbelieves her, but maybe if Gayoon keeps saying it out loud, and taps her heels, and wishes really, really hard, she’ll drop to the floor and die.
“Did you know he was married?” asks Sohyun. Gayoon grabs a cushion and hits her with it.
“That’s not helping. You aren’t helping,” Gayoon says.
Sohyun gapes and points to the bag of frozen vegetables pressed against the crown of her head, and then to Gayoon’s phone lying on the coffee table, still fully intact with just a few scratches. “I did help! Did you know it’s illegal to throw objects from higher than five stories? Anyone else would have sued.”
Gayoon ignores her. “This is total bullshit. He’s the one who started it, coming up to me offering to be my sponsor. How many other unsuspecting women do you think he’s preyed on?”
Jiyoon hums and continues searching up relevant articles. “Probably not that many, actually. People who work at broadcast stations tend to be really selective and do it irregularly and almost exclusively to minimise the amount of blackmail material.” She looks up to find matching dubious, and slightly worried, looks on Gayoon and Sohyun’s faces. “I do a lot of research. Read a lot of articles,” Jiyoon clarifies.
“I only have another ten minutes until sajangnim actually drags me out of here personally,” Gayoon states, rubbing her temple between two fingers. “I’m never going to get out of this apartment.”
“It’s okay, you can use this time for self-reflection. Actual self-reflection. Maybe redecorate your home?” offers Sohyun.
“How dare you, my apartment is perfect,” Gayoon mumbles. In fact, there was a period of time where comparing colour swatches and browsing through home catalogues had been the only thing she found relaxing. So she’s proud of her interior design skills, sue her for not being humble.
“Maybe get a pet to keep you company,” Jiyoon suggests.
Gayoon blinks and straightens up at the suggestion. “I could--”
Jiyoon cuts her off. “Not a snake.”
“But--”
“Not a snake.”
It says a lot that by now, Gayoon goes through the motions of damage control like she’s brushing her teeth or something equally as mundane. Morning spent in an emergency PR meeting, afternoon spent trying to memorise a generic, non-controversial answer for when it’s brought up on shows, and evening spent lying to Jiyoon about not reading the comments by netizens on pann. Kikwang texts her at night with the message, ’Told you I should have made out with him ):’, and Gayoon smiles despite of herself, feeling ready to treat the entire thing as little more than a dull headache.
Of course, life doesn’t do favours for free.
2Yoon’s debut, although a great source of self-indulgence for both Gayoon and Jiyoon, had not been incredibly successful. Gayoon understands why the company is hesitant to invest their money and time for a comeback that hadn’t managed to even make a dent the first time around, so when she’s called to the CEO’s office with Jiyoon two days after the news blows up, she can't help but suspect.
“2Yoon comeback,” Hong CEO explains. “Complete reinvention. The farm concept was good, but we were thinking something along the lines of sexy cowgirls this time. Look.” he slides a sketchbook across the desk and Jiyoon squints.
“Is that a-”
“It’s a whip,” Hong CEO explains.
“I don’t understand,” Gayoon says, “did you mean to call Hyuna?”
Hong CEO sighs, and Gayoon feels bad when she realises what a nuisance she’s probably become in the past month or so. She tries to school her face into something a bit more reasonable and drags the sketches towards herself, flicking through them. They're... not terrible, exactly. But there's no subtlety lost.
"I know it's a little... radical," Hong CEO admits. "I'm just saying that if we have an opportunity, we should take it."
"Doesn't this go against..." Gayoon stops at a sketch of a model wearing a pair of tiny booty shorts and a plaid bra "...staying low."
Hong CEO sighs. "Do you plan on staying low forever until all everyone remembers about you is that you cursed on national television and had an affair with a married man?" Gayoon stiffens, and Jiyoon reaches a hand out to rub comforting circles on her back. Hong CEO isn't a bad guy, and he looks genuinely sorry when he places a hand on Gayoon's arm. "I'm just saying that sometimes the best option is just to take what people think, and run with it."
Gayoon twists her lips. "No, I understand," she says. "But... I don't like these designs. Can I be in charge of the styling again?"
Hong CEO looks hesitant, but Gayoon was one of the first trainees he took in along with Kikwang -- and there's not much competition there in regards to which one he'd develop a soft spot for.
"Okay, sure. It depends on the art director though. If he gives the okay," he concedes.
It's a lot more than Gayoon expected in her current situation. “Thank you," she says, bowing.
Her hands find Jiyoon's own, and she intertwines their fingers together before dragging them both out the door. She doesn't let go of Jiyoon's hand until they're in the elevator, when she presses the button for the lobby and rests her forehead against the metal walls.
"We've always wanted a comeback," Jiyoon says.
Gayoon closes her eyes. "We did, didn't we? This is good news. You should thank me."
Jiyoon doesn't thank her, but pulls Gayoon into a hug she didn't ask for, but possibly wanted. Gayoon isn't too good at affection, but Jiyoon is tactile and buries her head into the nook of Gayoon's shoulder like she's the one being comforted.
"Thank you Gayoori," Jiyoon croons in a disgustingly high pitched voice.
Jiyoon's hair is damaged and dry against Gayoon's fingers. Thankfully that's the only thing.
Gayoon almost immediately regrets her idea when she gets to the company and finds Doojoon sitting outside the Art Director’s office, bouncing BEAST’s coordi’s four-year-old daughter on his knee. It's not like Gayoon is particularly maternal or anything, and she doesn't believe in the concept of a biological clock. But there really aren’t many people who are strong in the face of a handsome man who's good with kids. Gayoon will admit that much-- Doojoon is handsome. It'd be a disservice to her eighteen-year-old self to deny it.
Gayoon is glad she'd chosen to wear her sunglasses inside today. She pushes them closer to her face and sits on the opposite end of the couch to Doojoon, opening up her folder and looking through her designs with an intensity that implied she hadn't painstakingly gone through every detail last night.
"What's that?"
Gayoon accidentally pinches the edge of one of her sketches and scowls, trying to smooth it out with her thumb. "They're designs. I want to run them by the stylist, see if I can get any say in this."
Gayoon doesn’t ignore Doojoon because she hates being a hypocrite, and she doesn't see the need to ignore something that has little significance to her life whether or not it's there. She doesn’t not ignore him as an invitation for Doojoon to scoot right into her space so that she can feel how abnormally hot his body runs through his thin shirt, and smell the woodsy cologne that Beast is endorsing nowadays.
“It looks good,” Doojoon says, adjusting the baby in his lap. When she tries to reach out to touch Gayoon’s sketches with saliva slick fingers, Doojoon catches her hand and pulls her closer to his chest.
“Hey,” he reprimands gently, “we don’t do that, alright Jimin?”
Jimin gurgles and swipes her hand over Doojoon’s face. Doojoon plasters on a fake scowl and pretends to bite Jimin's fingers, eliciting a scandalised squeal.
Gayoon has a strong resolve, she's pragmatic about things and good at keeping herself in check. She used to think Doojoon was the same up until a few months ago, when he proved her wrong in the worst way possible. So Gayoon can't help the suspicion that this entire thing is a cruel set up and Doojoon is doing it all on purpose.
"Are you excited about this comeback?" he asks. Like they're friends.
Gayoon actually has to think about it. She should be, and in any other circumstance she would be. That careless slip-up on television had only been a little more than a month ago, and ever since then Gayoon's felt like she's just been laying on her back in the ocean, being pulled whatever way by the current.
"Yeah," she lies.
Doojoon sees right through her but has the decency not to say anything, which -- a little too late, Gayoon thinks. That's always been Doojoon's problem really. He knows Gayoon too well, and then does shit to ruin her from the inside out anyway.
When the door to the office finally opens, Gayoon doesn’t wait to be called in before leaving her seat.
There are certain growth milestones you give up when you choose to take on the path of an idol. Gayoon's seen the brunt of it on Sohyun, who's never had a chance to go on school trips, have to sit through tedious school festivals, or even properly crush on a dumb boy her age. Gayoon supposes it's the same sort of thing when she listens, enraptured, to her friends crying about their latest breakup and, even though she's aware that objectively it can't be fun, she wants.
It's not a secret. Never has been. Gayoon wants to date. Badly.
She isn't banned from it either. The entire murky issue of personal relationships -- romantic or otherwise -- tends to manage itself. You just know. You know making friends is part of the job, you know that dating within the first one and a half years of your debut just comes across as negligence, and you know to not fuck around where you work. This is why the five of them spend most of their time hibernating in the waiting rooms instead of attempting to take part in the Who You Know games. This is why, even though their stylist and Jihyun have been making eyes at each other for months, it's not the right time until they're finally the third-to-last ones performing on music shows. This is why Hyunseung and Hyuna have no problem recreating raunchy bedroom moves on stage -- because even after the show is over, the job doesn't end.
She dates one guy, a non-celebrity, for four months. He's a friend of Jiyoon's brother, his favourite member is Hyuna, and he tells Gayoon this while smirking and blatantly giving her emaciated body -- including her, in Doojoon's words, "grasshopper legs" -- a blatant once over. It's score one for her enzyme diet, and the word "yes" is out of her mouth as soon as he asks.
Jiyoon looks at her dubiously when they drive home, and says, "He really isn't your type."
"I don't have a type," is what Gayoon insists.
Their first date is at his house. They talk for two hours, she does a terrible job at trying to cook, and so they end up eating black bean noodles on his living room floor.
Their second date is one and a half months later, inside of his BMW. She brings her laptop so they can watch Moonlight Kingdom while drinking bubble tea and eating spicy rice cakes out of plastic boxes.
The third date is only two weeks later, and it's at her dorm. They're watching another movie snuggled on the couch, Gayoon's head resting against the crook of his neck, and halfway in Sohyun walks through the door and goes "Oh, sorry unnie. I thought he wasn't coming until tomorrow." followed by "Hey, is that soju? Can I try some?".
The fourth date is a month later. Shinsadong Tiger offers Gayoon the use of his van, and in a lapse of terrible judgement and slight desperation, she takes it. It's awkward and Gayoon doesn't feel the need to rehash the story when Hyuna tells it better to anyone who asks anyway.
Their fifth date, he has one hand underneath Gayoon's shirt, the other gripping her skinny thighs, and his mouth is trailing kisses from her collarbone and to her neck. Her hands are on the top button of her shirt when he buries his nose into her hair and goes "I like black hair a lot better on you."
Gayoon is the one to end things.
2Yoon's comeback is a blur. Gayoon gets her styling approved after various drafts and reimaginings, and at the end of it the final product is so derivative from Gayoon's original designs she's not even sure if it counts. It's not like Gayoon hates having to be sexy -- prefers it to the 2NE1 on acid concept they were trying to emulate during their debut days. It's just that Hyuna does it so well already, and Gayoon's always thought she had a niche for herself too. When the coordi pulls Gayoon’s shirt tighter against her chest, it tells her that no, she doesn't in fact, have any special niche at all.
Then there's the public reaction. When Jiyoon's teaser came out, it was surprisingly tame. There was the obligatory whining about the degeneration of society, but Jiyoon knows not to take those personally anymore, they'll say it to anyone. When Gayoon's came out however, even though she was showing less skin than Jiyoon, that's when the finger pointing and cries of 'slut' started getting louder. The articles also got three times the number of hits, so Gayoon tries to make herself feel good about that at least.
There’s a move in the choreography where Gayoon pretends to whip one of the backup dancers, and it’s always that one move that manages to consistently break her suspension of belief every time. Until then she gets away with pretending the whole setup and concept isn’t ridiculous, but all it takes is one flick of her wrist for all pretences to crumble, and she has to do the action in front of a mirror twenty times in a row to stop herself from bursting out laughing in the middle of her line.
At the end of the day though, this is the fact of the matter: after just two weeks of promotion, their song somehow manages to make it to number one on Melon, Soribada, and Gaon.
She goes outside to take a cigarette break, and only realises once she's patting the empty pockets of her thin coat that she's quit. Annoyed, she growls under her breath and is about to storm back inside when she hears a familiar voice coming from behind her.
Not counting their awkward meeting outside of the CEO's office, it feels like she hasn't seen Doojoon in ages. Amidst all the damage control and the constant preparation surrounding 2Yoon's comeback, it's not that surprising, and she doesn't even actually register the fact it's probably been months since they’ve properly talked until she's watching Doojoon lean in much too close to one of Cube’s backup dancers, Yoomi.
Gayoon doesn't remember making a noise, but she must have, because the two of them jump away from each other in less than a nano-second, looking like Gayoon was pointing a gun towards them. Serves them right, really.
"Unnie," Yoomi says, and Gayoon can't help it-- she doesn't want to be that kind of person, but she narrows her eyes at her. Doojoon squints and reaches over to squeeze Yoomi’s hand, who pulls it back against her chest before quickly apologising. "Sorry, I didn't see you there. I just- I'll just go." She doesn't look at either Gayoon or Doojoon before making a hasty retreat for the entrance.
Gayoon waits until she's sure Yoomi’s out of earshot before stalking up to Doojoon and poking a finger at his chest. "Are you crazy?"
Doojoon looks down at Gayoon's skinny finger, then pulls it off his chest like he’s flicking off a bug. "Hello to you too," he says.
Gayoon ignores him. "What are you thinking? Outside SBS's building? Great leadership skills oppa, doing real good for the team."
Doojoon, who'd looked halfway between resigned and uncannily amused until now, suddenly stiffens. "Yeah, this is crazy. We look too obvious here, let's take it inside."
It's an obvious attempt to get a rise out of her, and Gayoon is easy as fuck, because it works much too well. "Ha. No. I'm not you, alright? I'm not going around canoodling with dancers from the same agency."
"Yeah, you're not," Doojoon says, stepping forward into Gayoon's space. His eyes are trained on her face, but Gayoon suddenly feels hyper-aware of how much skin she's showing, can feel every goosebump in the chilly air.
"You're not," Doojoon repeats. "So what's it to you if I do?"
Gayoon’s mind is blaring, she tries to delve past all the panic and stress inside of her to find the indignance she usually carries so closely. It’s still there, just muted, and she grasps at it desperately.
“I’m not going to let you make me feel bad,” she says.
Doojoon shakes his head. “I’ve never ever wanted to make you feel bad. I’m not going to start now.”
“Well you’re doing a pretty good job of it,” she accuses. She isn’t crying, but her voice comes out cracked and so small it’d probably be better if she did.
Doojoon sighs. “No, Gayoonie-”
“Don’t call me that,” Gayoon snaps weakly, looking at the ground.
“-You’re doing it to yourself.”
There’s a group of people inside the building ready to congratulate her, and Gayoon doesn’t want to see any of them. It’s unfair. Maybe she isn’t the most obedient and passive idol in the industry, but she does what she has to. Gayoon wants to be happy, but she wants to be good at her job more. So she compromises. Now she finally has something to show for it, and people know her name, and she’s number one on digital charts, and maybe sometimes she’s happy, but definitely not right now. It’s unfair. Usually she’d be resigned to it, but with Doojoon looking at her like he pities her, the payoff doesn’t seem worth it at all.
Neither of them speak for a moment, and Gayoon appreciates it, needs the stretch of silence to gather together more familiar pieces of herself.
“I’m not going to go home with her,” Doojoon says, moving away to put some distance between them.
Gayoon sniffs. “Good,” she mumbles. She swipes at her eyes, and her hand comes away slightly wet. She’s embarrassed, but then decides to fuck it. If Doojoon wants to make fun of her she’ll just make herself cry harder and he can awkwardly deal with it.
“I hope you win,” Doojoon says. He pats her on the back when he walks past, and she’s not sure whether he meant for it to feel so ironic.
Occasionally Gayoon feels liberated by the fact she doesn't even have to worry about making people like her anymore. Until she realises that she's Heo Gayoon, and that even before she became an idol, all she wanted was validation. The Heo Gayoon in a tight tank top and cowboy hat, who stands on the ending stage for Inkigayo trying to ignore the snide glares she's receiving from a few EXO fans up front, isn't her.
She's busy trying to adjust her heels, and it isn't until Jiyoon almost falls into her, shocked and delighted, that she realises that they've announced the winner. And it isn't until she's ushered to the centre of the crowd with a trophy in her hand, Jiyoon crying next to her, that she realises they're the winner.
They're filming a follow up music video as a gift for the fans, since the original one hit twenty million views. Gayoon is pretty sure ten million of those are from the same horny guys playing it on loop in their parent's basement, but she knows better than to question what works.
Because the new video is considerably more low budget, and the fact the company has pretty much already milked Gayoon's notoriety dry, Gayoon is given proper creative control this time around. She's huddled in a warm coat, watching Jiyoon film her solo shot and admiring the boots she'd chosen for her, when she feels someone pulling the collar of her shirt and something cold, and slippery, slides down her back.
Gayoon startles, jumps around until the weird sensation disappears, and she hears something fall to the ground. She looks down and only just realises what it is before it slithers away quickly, towards where the film crew is. Gayoon holds her breath as the snake wraps itself around one of the camera men's legs, and braces herself for the impact. It takes less than a second for everybody to start screaming and clambering for shelter. Gayoon should try and salvage the situation, but a familiar chuckle comes from behind her, and on instinct she turns around to punch Doojoon's arm.
"Are you trying to sabotage our shooting?" she asks, narrowing her eyes.
Doojoon raises his hands, grinning at her sheepishly. "I came to give my support!"
There's a sound of something falling over, and a crash. Doojoon winces. "Alright, you might have to do a few retakes."
Gayoon rubs her hands down her face. "Urghhh, you give me a migraine."
"Then I can die happy," Doojoon chirps.
Gayoon wants to step on his satisfied grin with her heels. Just a few weeks ago he left her in a back alley while she tried not to cry, and now he waltzes in like they’re best friends again. Unfortunately, she can hear one of the boom guys threatening to kill the snake with their bare hands, and she can't let her fellow cold blooded fall to such a demise. "Leave. We'll talk later," she warns Doojoon, stomping away towards the havoc.
There's a ten metre radius cleared from where the snake is, and she can spot a few crew members hiding in the surrounding trees. Gayoon stalks up to where the snake is curled into a ball and bends down, carefully picking it up and letting it wrap itself around her arm. She pets it's skin, recognises the brown scales and dorsal blotches as being distinct to the docile, non-venomous, royal python. It lifts itself up so it's eye level with Gayoon, sticking it's tongue out and hissing. It takes all of Gayoon's effort not to coo.
"Get a room!" Jiyoon yells, stumbling forward on shaky legs.
Gayoon lets herself gently handle the snake while the crew sets up again and recovers from the trauma. "You are so cute," Gayoon baby talks. "How could Yoon Doojoon treat you so brashly?" She shifts to let the snake curl into itself on her lap, and that’s when she feels something brush against her neck.
Gayoon reaches an arm back, and scowls when she finds a piece of paper taped onto the collar of her coat. She rips it off, and is expecting to see something like ’kick me’ scrawled on it. She isn’t sure if what’s written instead is better or worse.
Congratulations on a successful promotional run! If you like the snake, at least more than you like me, then let’s be friends again - Doojoon
The python has moved from Gayoon’s lap and is climbing it’s way up her arm again. Gayoon smiles and runs a finger along it’s tail.
She does like the snake.
Gayoon is asleep when someone climbs into bed next to her. There are only two people who have the key to her apartment, but even without that knowledge, Gayoon would know intuitively that it’s Jiyoon. Just from the way she adjusts the blankets so that Gayoon still gets most of it.
“If you’re going to invade my space then at least do it properly,” Gayoon mumbles, lifting the blanket and dumping half of it on Jiyoon. It feels like they’re trainees again, except the exhaustion Gayoon feels runs deeper now, down to the marrow of her bones.
“I like your snake,” Jiyoon says. Gayoon snorts. “I like that you like your snake,” Jiyoon amends.
Gayoon is ready to fall asleep, but it’s like there’s a thin thread of awareness still hanging tight through her, and she just can’t seem to break it. She tosses around so she’s face to face with Jiyoon, and isn’t surprised to find her completely awake.
“Sorry,” Gayoon apologises.
Jiyoon furrows her eyebrows. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” Gayoon says. She really doesn’t, but she knows she means it sincerely. “I feel like I’ve dragged you down with me.”
“Remember that time we both got kicked out of the company for disappearing for a day?” Jiyoon muses. “No regrets.”
“No regrets?” Gayoon says incredulously. “We were literally on our knees begging for a second chance. I quote, ‘I’ve never regretted anything more in my life’ -- Jeon Jiyoon, 2008."
“I meant no regrets that it was me and you!” Jiyoon exclaims. “Of course we shouldn’t have done it. I can’t even imagine trying to pull something like that now.”
“Right?” Gayoon tries to picture it. Turning her phone off and just running away. Wandering around the streets doing nothing, wearing anything, eating everything. Living a few hours without any responsibilities. She stops thinking about it once she realises how much she wants it.
“Actually, we could probably do it,” Jiyoon suggests. “Run away after Music Core and go to that meat restaurant in Hongdae.”
“In our cowgirl lingerie?” Gayoon adds. Jiyoon puffs up her cheeks and nods, before laughing into the side of Gayoon’s pillow. “Please, I don’t want to stay in those clothes longer than I have to.”
“What can we do?” Jiyoon says. “There’s no point fighting it, we don’t have a choice.”
“Thanks for your positivity,” Gayoon says drily. “I always need a reminder about how we have no choice in anything.”
“Now you’re just being pessimistic,” Jiyoon refutes. “It’s not like we’re robots. I really do love music you know.”
Jiyoon rarely snaps at people she cares about, so Gayoon’s learnt how to read between the lines to know when she’s offended. She squeezes Jiyoon’s elbow to convey an apology. Gayoon loves music too, of course she does. “Same, I just mean, it’s not like I don’t love anything else.”
Jiyoon doesn’t speak for a second, and when she does Gayoon wants to push her off the bed. “Or anyone else, am I right?” She squeals when Gayoon starts jabbing her ribs.
“Get out,” Gayoon orders.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jiyoon pacifies, rolling over so she’s hugging Gayoon like she’s a teddy bear. “You’re proving my point though. You can’t control every part of your life Gayoori, but that only means you’re allowed to be just a little careless with the bits you can.”
The words do the trick, relaxes something in Gayoon that she didn’t know was constricted. The last thought she has before her mind is warmed by sleep is that she doesn’t want to give Jiyoon any affirmation. “Is that the advice you give all our hoobaes?” she asks drowsily.
Gayoon closes her eyes, but she can feel Jiyoon shake her head. “Nah, you’re just special.”
At nineteen, Gayoon’s ideal type is Yoon Doojoon. Not in the unattainable, dreamy kind of way where Lee Minho is everybody’s ideal type. But in the more grounded way, where she can pretend she isn’t staring at him through the practice room mirror, and has trouble looking him in the eye after she marathons Hot Blood. She’s just broken up with her soldier boyfriend, and every other guy she knows wears school uniforms and loves spitballs, or are Kikwang. Doojoon is so good looking, and knows Gayoon’s name, and he’s just real enough to not feel real. It’s cute, more than anything. Harmless. Doojoon agrees when Gayoon admits it to him almost two years later, when he’s the furthest thing from her ideal type, and closer to being her friend.
After debut, Gayoon’s ideal type is Gong Yoo. Completely out of her league, not even in the same plane, is what netizens say. Gayoon agrees. Gong Yoo is carved out of marble, and now that she’s officially in the industry, it’s fun to imagine him sweeping her away, but it also doesn’t sting to know it’s a ridiculous sentiment to carry. At some point, Gayoon isn’t sure when, Gong Yoo stops being her ideal type, and becomes little more than an easy answer.
At twenty three, Gayoon’s ideal type is anyone who actually cares substantially about her, and who won’t get in the way of her work. She words it a bit differently on broadcast, but the gist of it is the same. It’s not even a real ideal type, but a compromise she makes for herself. It’s sad, but not surprising, how few guys manage to fit the former criteria, and how she slowly starts believing just fulfilling the latter is enough.
At twenty five Gayoon doesn’t know who her ideal type is, just that it can’t be Doojoon. She thought they had some silent understanding, that yeah they could date each other, maybe it’ll even seem okay for a while, but they wouldn’t. It’s not a good idea to fuck around where you work. It’s like playing a game of russian roulette, and chances have never been in Gayoon’s favour. That’s why they’re fine joking about dating each other on variety shows for the whole world to hear, right? Doojoon was meant to be as far from her grasp as Gong Yoo, as unrealistic an expectation as a guy who thinks she’s worth the packed schedules and months without contact. Of course, Gayoon doesn’t tell Doojoon any of this. She tells him ’No’, and watches his face close off completely.
Standing outside the door to Doojoon’s apartment, Gayoon realises that it never mattered who her ideal type was. She’d never been content with any of the guys she dated, really. She’d only ever been content because Doojoon was running parallel to her, that although they’d never be together, they’d always be heading in the same direction. And one day, in the future, she hoped it’d finally be okay to stray from their paths a little bit.
Gayoon doesn’t want to wait any longer though. She’d been running under the naive assumption that they’d never diverge, and as overdramatic as it sounds, Gayoon doesn’t think she’ll ever be happy if they do. It takes all of her courage, thinking of every regret she’ll have if she doesn’t go through with this, to knock on the door.
Doojoon appears, hair mussed, eyes half closed, and in a shirt that’s probably too expensive to sleep in. He blinks when his brain catches up and notices Gayoon standing in front of him. “What are you doing here?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.
“No,” Gayoon answers.
Doojoon is beginning to look irritated, and Gayoon feels a bubble of giddiness inside of her. “No, what?”
Gayoon reaches into her coat for the piece of paper and thrusts it into Doojoon’s hands. He looks taken aback for a second, before uncrumpling it and reading. “So what? No you--”
“No I don’t want to be friends,” Gayoon interrupts. She licks her lips, uses the six years of pining inside of her to fuel her momentum. “I- this is is stupid. I shouldn’t even have to say anything.”
Doojoon leans onto the doorframe smugly, crossing his arms. “I’m not getting your drift.”
Doojoon is lucky, so lucky, that instead of making Gayoon angry like it should, it helps calm her nerves. Suddenly she feels confident enough to loudly proclaim:
“I’m in love with Kikwang.”
Doojoon looks dumbfounded. Then he’s laughing, hard. Gayoon feels the corners of her mouth edge up into a smile.
“Kikwang, hey?” Doojoon confirms.
Gayoon nods solemnly. “I thought I should be the one to tell you.”
“Alright,” Doojoon steps out of the doorframe, is suddenly so close that Gayoon has to bend her neck back just to meet his eyes. “Let’s not tell him about this then.”
Doojoon kisses her, puts a hand behind her neck to carefully support her head. It’s slow, and it burns in her stomach, like she’s wading through lava. She brings a hand up to grab at Doojoon’s hair, and tugs until he wraps both his arms around her waist to bring her closer. He lifts her up against him so her toes skid the floor, and then they’re kissing deeper.
It can’t have actually lasted for very long, because Gayoon still has too much breath left. But she still feels strange, like someone replaced the air in her lungs with helium.
She tries to get some words out. “Okay well…” she inhales. “Now that that’s over with.”
Doojoon barks out a laugh. “That has got to be the best feedback I’ve ever gotten,” he says.
Gayoon scrunches her nose and hits his stomach. “Stop it. I don’t exactly do this often, alright? I just--”
“What the fuck is that?” Doojoon exclaims, stumbling away from Gayoon.
Gayoon is confused until she feels her hoodie shift, and smooth scales rub against her neck. “Oh,” she says. She brings her hand up to let the snake climb onto it. “Kkwonsso is awake.”
“Kkwonsso,” Doojoon says, “You named it after Sohyun?”
“Sohyun named it after Sohyun, but now everybody’s too used to it. I wanted to name her Rihanna,” Gayoon grumbles.
“Was bringing the snake really necessary?” Doojoon asks, a little repulsed. “Aren’t there regulations? What if it tries to escape?”
“I didn’t want to leave her at home,” Gayoon says. Plus she was nervous, and patting Kkwonsso’s skin always helped calm her down. “And she won’t! She’s actually very calm for a snake, only gets annoyed if you handle her roughly.”
“I’m glad you liked my gift,” Doojoon says, eyeing Kkwonsso carefully as she drapes herself across Gayoon’s shoulder. “But I’m not letting it into my apartment.”
“I have her cage in my car,” Gayoon offers. “I could go down and get it, and you can wait here, and-- do you have a small space heater? Or dead mice around by any chance?” It’s possible that Gayoon did not think through the semantics of this visit very well. “That’s… probably a lot of trouble. Uh, so I’ll go home and... text me?”
Doojoon breathes out exasperatedly and beckons her forward. Gayoon shuffles over cautiously, isn’t prepared for it when Doojoon tilts her chin up and kisses her sweetly on the mouth -- like it’s something they do, something that’s natural between them. It’s somehow more meaningful than their first kiss.
“Eh, I’ve gone through worse trouble for you,” Doojoon says. Kkwonsso moves to wrap herself around where Gayoon was clutching Doojoon’s arm. “It’s worth it," he assures, and Gayoon doesn't fight the smitten grin that's coming through. Doojoon notices and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
"Always is."
a/n: and now i can finally give credit where credits due! thank you to naladot, darkyulate, slashedsilver, and mara_ciro, for being the best teammates with brainstorming/beta-ing, and just general handholding ♥ and thank you forever to concordances for always doing the most with beta-ing even when she doesn't even have to ;___;
gayoon-centric (gayoon/doojoon)
pg-13, 9700 words
Confucius said "Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Gayoon thinks that clearly, Confucius never met an idol.
originally posted here for kpop_olymfics! written to the prompt 'all right - lim kim'
It’s safe to say Gayoon’s career is probably ruined. Not her career as a whole, of course. But her career as being relatively wholesome and at the very least, slightly more likeable than the rest of her bandmates. She says this aloud without any reservation now. The first time she blurted it out when they were watching TV, she froze, an apology towards Hyuna ready on the tip of her tongue. Hyuna however, had looked delighted, like the least she could do was make the rest of them look like better people through relativity.
Until Gayoon screwed it up, that is.
It’s like this: she swears on national broadcast.
Usually Gayoon is a lot more sensible than what her current predicament implies. Sure, she may not be particularly variety savvy, but she at least knows not to swear on fucking television. It isn’t her fault though. Not completely, at least. She had been doing her best during the filming, sitting with her legs together, remembering to smile and laugh at the right jokes. Gayoon is a mature person, a professional. Yoon Doojoon however, is definitely not. Yoon Doojoon is a bloody man child, who can’t even retain a simple level of cordiality when they’re recording amongst seniors. Yoon Doojoon, very blatantly, shifts his seat as far away from Gayoon as possible without completely falling over onto Kikwang’s lap. And Gayoon, being an adult, sees it as her duty to put Doojoon in his fucking place and tells him, ”What the fuck is your problem, you dickhead?”.
On the actual day, Doojoon had just given her a quick glance, before pointedly turning away again, and Gayoon went back to fuming silently while Jiyoon rubbed her arm consolingly. The filming went on without a hitch, and when called to do aegyo Gayoon was terrible and Jiyoon was just the right amount of genuinely cute and hilariously overwrought to at least guarantee them both five minutes of screen time. Kikwang patted her on the back after the filming and told her "not your best work, Gayoonie," and immediately had his position of "begrudging best male friend" revoked, which, going by his hasty retreat, Kikwang probably realised.
Doojoon didn't say bye to her after the filming, and he hadn't even sent her a text after the subsequent explosion on pann either.
Gayoon hadn't caught it. Which was probably what the sound editors intended. Obviously not anticipating the boredom of a discontented college student with access to Audacity and too much time. Gayoon isn't really surprised; she's lived with Sohyun long enough to know that today's youth are going to be the pitfall of mankind, and as a result likes to believe she handled it with a calm head. She isn't going to lie and say she wasn't annoyed, and okay, maybe it takes Jiyoon to cut off the WiFi for Gayoon to not write a scathing comment back on the original post, but that's a fairly healthy reaction to have towards someone who's guilty of libel. And yeah, okay, the fifteen Kakaotalk messages she sent Kikwang (who Gayoon knows has seen them, but like his coward of a best friend, hasn't replied) weren't nice, but this was all just in the first five minutes.
It's only after the fourth article about it is published in eight hours that Gayoon finally concedes that her image is possibly in hot water. Jiyoon is next to her, dutifully refreshing the news portals, and despite fronting as delusionally optimistic thus far, once the top comment on the original article reaches seven thousand votes, she turns to Gayoon and says: "I feel like... you should maybe turn your phone back on now."
In order, Gayoon registers that 1) Kikwang, as predicted, hasn't replied to her messages, 2) Doojoon is currently online and his last message is still from three weeks ago 3) there are eighty unread messages on their group chat, sixty of them from Hyuna, too many of them made up of purely emoticons 4) Jihyun has started a completely irrelevant conversation with her about the weather 5) the new KakaoTalk update suffers from some serious design flaws.
"So I have fifteen missed calls from the CEO," Gayoon says.
Jiyoon nods eagerly. "This is good. That's good. We can just get it over and done with."
Gayoon doesn't feel sorry for herself. It's her seventh year in this game, and in between being accused of plastic surgery, and one of her members’ being plagued by pregnancy rumours, this is really just a splinter in the grand scheme of things. Maybe this splinter gets under her skin deeper than she's used to -- but it's nothing careful hands can't fix.
Gayoon collapses onto Jiyoon's lap, who reassuringly strokes her fingers through Gayoon's hair. "Being an idol sucks," Gayoon groans.
"I know, Gayoori," Jiyoon sighs. "I know."
The company has a crisis management meeting for it. Gayoon sits at the edge of the table, bemoaning the time wasted on picking an appropriate outfit for an event that has her sitting quietly, mouth shut, while the PR manager gives her the stink-eye. She isn’t relevant enough to go on Healing Camp -- and even if she was, Gayoon finds that option a teeny bit dramatic -- so they do the next best thing and manage to wedge some time into 4Minute’s upcoming Radio Star appearance to give her an opportunity to apologise. The PR manager swiftly fabricates an anecdote about Gayoon regulating 4Minute’s swear jar, and then the meeting is adjourned with a group of forty-something-year-olds grumbling as they walk past Gayoon on their way to the door.
Sohyun finds the entire story ludicrous, and Gayoon allows herself a moment of righteous agreement until Sohyun continues with: “The swear jar should be my idea. In fact it was my idea, and when I suggested it you swore at me.”
“That’s because it was a stupid idea,” Gayoon snaps.
Sohyun sits up straight on the couch, leaning forward like she’s about to bestow great wisdom onto Gayoon. “People only swear when they don’t have anything else intelligent to say.”
“Sohyun, don’t be twelve.”
"I was parodying myself! Obviously I don't think that, you're very intelligent unnie."
"I think she knew that," Hyuna says, lounging back across the floor with her feet hooked on the couch. Gayoon's script is held up towards the light. "This story is so boring," she whines, letting go of the papers and letting them fall onto her face, "if we're going to lie can't we make it a little exciting."
"Add in some backstory about how six years ago Gayoon unnie--"
"Sohyun, just let it go."
Jiyoon nudges her from the side. Gayoon gives her an exasperated look, and Jiyoon returns it with a soft smile -- one that does nothing to ease the anxiety building up inside of Gayoon, but makes it a little more bearable.
“It’ll be fine,” Jiyoon insists. “Remember when that photo of you putting up the middle finger was leaked--”
“Uploaded, you uploaded onto your twitter.”
Jiyoon waves that little detail off. “I’m saying you’ll bounce back from it. This is just a bigger deal because it was on broadcast. Don’t treat it like a big deal, and it won’t be a big deal.” A pause. “Want me to teach you aegyo?”
Gayoon’s upper lip pulls up and she pushes Jiyoon away by the face.
Gayoon prides herself on being fairly perceptive. Although, to be fair, Hyuna has as much subtlety as a tumour, so her shutting the laptop and kicking Sohyun off the couch is as good a give away as any.
“Tell me the damage,” Gayoon sighs, flopping down onto the practice room floor.
“Nothing, there’s nothing here. Honestly, it’s disappointing. They’re so much more creative when it comes to me,” Hyuna denies, shaking her head.
Gayoon is tired, and she doesn’t want this day to last longer than it has to. “Sohyun, what are they saying?”
Hyuna levels Sohyun with a warning glare, and Sohyun swallows. The attempt is cute -- but Gayoon didn't suffer through the setbacks of having a resting bitch face without knowing how to take advantage of it in the right way.
"Sohyun," Gayoon says. Sohyun meets her stare. Gayoon is silent. Waiting.
"Stay strong, Sohyun," Hyuna whispers.
Gayoon lets the corner of her mouth turn down minutely.
"Everyone thinks you're full of bullshit!" Sohyun blurts out before slapping her hands over her mouth.
Hyuna grabs Sohyun and pulls her into the headlock. Gayoon ignores Sohyun's screams of protest and uses the distraction to drag the laptop away from Hyuna and pull up the browser.
I can't stand fake bitches like her. Does she think we're stupid?
I only watched it to see what bullshit excuse she'd come up with. At least Heo Gayoon doesn't disappoint.
I'm a B2UTY, and I'm disappointed. I've always supported Gayoon because even though she looks bitchy, I genuinely thought she was a good person behind.
Gayoon's read enough. She needs an aspirin. Or a tub of ice cream. Thank God she's off that enzyme diet.
After the Radio Star stint falls spectacularly short of expectations, her company has another order for her.
“Stay low,” her manager says, “just… don’t do anything. It’ll blow over.”
Gayoon is only partially irritated. When she’d suggested it during the PR meeting, they had patronised her with a wry smile, before moving on to talk amongst themselves. Gayoon can hardly manage to be herself on variety shows, let alone fake being someone who’s not fake. It was a doomed plan from the start. Regardless, considering that all of them except Hyuna manage to stay low without even meaning to, Gayoon figures it really can’t be that hard to do.
Except apparently it is, and Gayoon doesn’t remember feeling so restless. Suddenly she craves for her old dorm life fiercely. When the five of them had first been forced to occupy the same space, Gayoon couldn’t visualise it working out. She spent most of the time in her room with Jiyoon, trying not to think about how she’d get by living with three other people who wouldn’t even entertain the idea of letting her keep the pet snake she longed for. When the five of them had finally moved out -- thanks to numerous reasons ranging from monetary to the fact Gayoon was beginning to feel a little insecure not having ever lived alone at twenty-four-- it had been after months of putting off looking for potential apartments, nights spent sleeping together in the living room, and a goodbye party despite their new homes being less than ten minutes from each other. At the end of it, Gayoon didn’t even mind that she didn’t get her snake.
Gayoon doesn’t live for the cameras, but being away from them for so long is unnerving. It stems from some toxic fear that the longer she goes without being in the public eye, the longer they have to forget about her completely. Having Hyuna or whoever arrive at the dorm, exhausted and ready to sleep with their face still caked with makeup, helped ease that feeling of disconnect. Without it, even though Gayoon has wanted nothing more than a long break since turning twenty-one, there’s a large piece of her that’s detached from her rational thinking skills that exists just to eat away at her insides.
The other four always call and text, and Sohyun -- who unfortunately is the current member on rotation for having almost no schedule -- likes barging into her apartment at odd times and ruining the feng shui. In between these visits, Gayoon catches up with old friends, borrows a bunch of books about design and textiles from one of the stylists, tries to learn how to cook, and ends up calling her manager at one in the morning in a frenzy.
“Gayoon, what--”
“I need something to do,” Gayoon says. “Anything.” At the resounding silence from the other end, Gayoon tries to turn her voice into one that doesn’t belong to a person who’d spent the entire weekend colour coordinating their linen closet. “I really want to get out of my apartment,” she amends. “It’s been three weeks. Is there anything I had that we can un-cancel? I just- I don’t- I don’t know…” She lies back down on her bed. Wishes she had someone beside her.
There’s nothing but breathing coming from the receiver, and then there’s the inexplicable sound of her manager sighing. “Fine. There’s a launch party for Gina’s mini-album this weekend. There’ll be cameras. You can come in a show of company support.”
Gayoon exhales. The room feels bigger all of a sudden. “Thanks, that’s great,” she answers.
“Stay low,” her manager reminds, sternly.
Gayoon nods. “Got it. Staying low.”
Gayoon misses her apartment.
“Oppa said you begged him to let you come,” Jihyun says, eyebrow raised. Gayoon can’t really say anything to defend herself, so she takes another sip of her drink and looks away.
Weeks of isolation has made Gayoon underestimate her own ineptitude in regards to intelligent socialising. Despite the reputation she’d somehow managed to amass amongst other idols, Gayoon doesn’t actually think she’s someone particularly hard to get along with. Socialising within an industry setting, however, is a completely different ball game. Genuine friendships exist, but whether intentional or not, every handshake, smile, and bow is done with ulterior motives. Gayoon doesn’t have a huge moral objection to it, but she feels like there are Won signs rolling in her eyes whenever she approaches someone.
“I don’t know anyone here,” Gayoon hisses. “Where’s everybody we know?”
Jihyun shrugs, grabbing a mini-sausage from a passing waiter and popping it into her mouth daintily. “They’re all busy. Hey, but I can see your boyfriends.”
Gayoon follows Jihyun’s line of sight, but already knows who Jihyun’s talking about before she sees them. Kikwang and Doojoon are at the other side of the hall, looking much more comfortable than Gayoon feels, and talking up two unfamiliar female figures.
Gayoon scowls, pretends the coke in her hand is soju and takes a gulp. “No thanks. I’ll just stay here.”
Jihyun laughs, like she hasn’t spent the last hour in solidarity with Gayoon, sitting awkwardly in the corner where people only look at them to check if they’re important, before walking past. “Why are you so angry at them?” Jihyun asks.
Gayoon blinks and raises an eyebrow. “Because I’m in a crappy situation right now and it’s their fault?” She doesn’t mean to say it, doesn’t even really mean it, but she wants to pat herself on the back because it’s a plausible excuse and Jihyun buys it easily.
At that moment, Kikwang turns around and catches Gayoon’s eye. He looks surprised to see her, and Gayoon, suddenly recalling how Kikwang hasn’t sent her one text in the past few weeks, drags her finger across her throat. Kikwang looks halfway between alarmed and apologetic, and it makes Gayoon feel better instantly until Kikwang elbows Doojoon, who looks back, and then looks away promptly.
Gayoon stands up. “I’m going to go get another drink,” she announces. She doesn’t wait for Jihyun’s reply before she strides over to the bar.
Gayoon doesn’t trust herself to have alcohol in her current mood, so she orders a glass of water. She’s playing with the straw in her hand when someone slides up next to her, in a way that’s much too smooth not to be premeditated, but Gayoon ignores it.
“I heard you’re in some hot water,” he says. His voice is deep, mature, and it catches her off guard. Gayoon looks up from her drink.
“Sorry?” she asks.
He’s a lot older than her, not so much that there’s anything paternal about him, but enough that there are small character lines decorating his face, and confidence in how he wears his suit. He nods at Gayoon expectantly, waiting for a smart retort. The entire situation is literally Gayoon’s worst nightmare.
“Yeah, I… I slipped up a bit on broadcast,” she answers, quickly drinking from her glass in case he expects her to elaborate.
He laughs, full bodied. “Yeah, I heard. Fucking brutal. Your other members are okay? You guys don’t live in the same dorm anymore, right?”
It’s weird. He talks to Gayoon, leans into her space like he knows her. In fact, she guesses he probably thinks he does. He’s probably seen her on interviews, performing on stage, winking at the M!Countdown camera asking viewers to accept her heart on Valentines Day. It’s weird that he knows so much about her, and she doesn’t even know his name. Now that she’s contemplating it, it’s sort of weird that it’s her job.
“I’m sorry,” she says, “I didn’t catch your name?”
He sniffs, and hands her a business card from his pocket. It’s warm between Gayoon’s fingers, and she bends the cardboard a little. It’s good quality. “Jang Kyungtae,” she reads, and then her eyes widen, “executive at SBS Viacom LLC. Oh, sorry I didn’t-”
He pushes his hands forward, halting her apologies. “It’s fine, it’s fine. I don’t make myself easily recognisable.” He grins, moves a bit closer so their shoulders are brushing, and if Gayoon turns they’d be chest to chest.
“If you have a hard time managing to get on broadcast, I can make it a bit easier for you,” he offers. “I know the public is too harsh, it’s unfair that a good person like you would suffer because of a small accident.”
This close, Gayoon is confident in her assessment that the character lines around his eyes are more like wrinkles. She bends her head a little bit, adjusts her hair so it’s covering her face like a curtain. She isn’t stupid, isn’t unaware that these things happen. She’s even had to intervene and save Hyuna from them once or twice. She tries to think of a way she can make quick escape without antagonising anyone.
“I’m fine,” she answers, trying to sound resolute. Something flashes in his eyes and Gayoon has to stop herself from swallowing. It’ll be fine. She has faith in her company’s ability to be more evil than other evils. “Really, thanks for the offer but it’s unnecessary.” She leaves the water on the bar and grubs her clutch, not looking back as she hurries away.
She isn’t watching where she’s going as she leaves the hall -- in the middle of sending Jihyun a reassuring text -- and bumps into something warm and hard. Gayoon is about to apologise, until she registers who it is, and then twirls on her heels to walk in the opposite direction.
“Wait wait wait!” Kikwang says, grabbing her by the elbow and pulling her back.
Gayoon yanks her arm out of Kikwang’s grip and fixes him with her best glare. Doojoon stands behind Kikwang, and Gayoon has to bite her lip to stop her eyes from straying.
“What?” she deadpans.
Kikwang opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. Closes it. Looks at Doojoon for help. Doojoon imitates Kikwang’s goldfish act, before raising his shoulders and echoing Gayoon’s sentiments. “What?”
Gayoon snorts. “This has been riveting. I’m going to go now.” She roughly knocks Kikwang on the shoulder when she strides past him. She's about to do some complicated manoeuvre to avoid breathing too much of the same air as Doojoon altogether, when he walks backwards so that he’s standing in front of her.
Gayoon stops and growls. “What?” she asks, patience wearing thin.
“Are you okay?” Doojoon asks. Gayoon eyes him skeptically, waiting for the unnecessary comment to follow. It doesn’t come. There’s not even a smirk, or a suggestive eyebrow raise. He looks worried, and with every second that passes with him looking at Gayoon like that, her breathing gets shallower and shallower until she realises it’s stopped altogether.
“I’m fine,” she croaks, her mouth dry. Gayoon is a hormonal idiot. “Why do you ask?”
Doojoon doesn’t look like he wants to answer, and he should really know better, because that’s an answer enough. Gayoon isn’t even angry, she just feels mortified.
“I don’t- I’m not going to think about it. So don’t beat him up for me or anything stupid like that,” Gayoon replies defensively, crossing her arms over her chest. Doojoon’s lips quirk up, and she realises that she’s about to see him genuinely smile at her for probably the first time in weeks.
“Do you want us to make out with him instead?” Kikwang pipes up from behind them, effectively pricking whatever bubble Gayoon had found herself in.
Doojoon snickers, looks around Gayoon to high five Kikwang over their mutual ten-year-old humour. Gayoon rolls her eyes, elbows Doojoon in the ribs before stalking away from the two of them. They’re both idiots, but she’s thankful for the distraction that helps push the events of the night away.
“Hey Gayoon, you didn’t answer our question!” Kikwang calls.
Gayoon raises a hand in the air and flips him the bird.
Gayoon wakes up the next day feeling lighter, the anxiety twisting around her chest and stomach having loosened it’s hold. She lets herself stare at the ceiling fan above the bed without worrying about anything, trying to match her breathing with it’s rotations.
This is it. This is how she’s going to get by until the month is over, waiting for her official reflection period to end. Just spend the entire time lying in bed, with occasional booster shots of fame to stop her from going stir crazy. Like the sad protagonist in a KBS melodrama.
Gayoon groans and buries her head into her pillow.
Her phone vibrates from the bedside table, and Gayoon reaches a hand out to blindly grope around until she finds it. She squints, trying to adjust to the brightness, and frowns when she spots the notification for forty unread messages. The most recent one is from Jiyoon, and Gayoon taps on their conversation to pull it up.
She reads through the messages, and without anyone around to stop her, Gayoon throws her phone out the window.
“Heo Gayoon, 26, member of girl group 4Minute, found flirting with married member of the Executive Board for SBS Viacom, Jang Kyungtae, 39. Exclusive photos by Sports Seoul,” Jiyoon reads out dramatically.
“I wasn’t flirting with him,” Gayoon bites out for the fiftieth time this morning. Nobody in the room disbelieves her, but maybe if Gayoon keeps saying it out loud, and taps her heels, and wishes really, really hard, she’ll drop to the floor and die.
“Did you know he was married?” asks Sohyun. Gayoon grabs a cushion and hits her with it.
“That’s not helping. You aren’t helping,” Gayoon says.
Sohyun gapes and points to the bag of frozen vegetables pressed against the crown of her head, and then to Gayoon’s phone lying on the coffee table, still fully intact with just a few scratches. “I did help! Did you know it’s illegal to throw objects from higher than five stories? Anyone else would have sued.”
Gayoon ignores her. “This is total bullshit. He’s the one who started it, coming up to me offering to be my sponsor. How many other unsuspecting women do you think he’s preyed on?”
Jiyoon hums and continues searching up relevant articles. “Probably not that many, actually. People who work at broadcast stations tend to be really selective and do it irregularly and almost exclusively to minimise the amount of blackmail material.” She looks up to find matching dubious, and slightly worried, looks on Gayoon and Sohyun’s faces. “I do a lot of research. Read a lot of articles,” Jiyoon clarifies.
“I only have another ten minutes until sajangnim actually drags me out of here personally,” Gayoon states, rubbing her temple between two fingers. “I’m never going to get out of this apartment.”
“It’s okay, you can use this time for self-reflection. Actual self-reflection. Maybe redecorate your home?” offers Sohyun.
“How dare you, my apartment is perfect,” Gayoon mumbles. In fact, there was a period of time where comparing colour swatches and browsing through home catalogues had been the only thing she found relaxing. So she’s proud of her interior design skills, sue her for not being humble.
“Maybe get a pet to keep you company,” Jiyoon suggests.
Gayoon blinks and straightens up at the suggestion. “I could--”
Jiyoon cuts her off. “Not a snake.”
“But--”
“Not a snake.”
It says a lot that by now, Gayoon goes through the motions of damage control like she’s brushing her teeth or something equally as mundane. Morning spent in an emergency PR meeting, afternoon spent trying to memorise a generic, non-controversial answer for when it’s brought up on shows, and evening spent lying to Jiyoon about not reading the comments by netizens on pann. Kikwang texts her at night with the message, ’Told you I should have made out with him ):’, and Gayoon smiles despite of herself, feeling ready to treat the entire thing as little more than a dull headache.
Of course, life doesn’t do favours for free.
2Yoon’s debut, although a great source of self-indulgence for both Gayoon and Jiyoon, had not been incredibly successful. Gayoon understands why the company is hesitant to invest their money and time for a comeback that hadn’t managed to even make a dent the first time around, so when she’s called to the CEO’s office with Jiyoon two days after the news blows up, she can't help but suspect.
“2Yoon comeback,” Hong CEO explains. “Complete reinvention. The farm concept was good, but we were thinking something along the lines of sexy cowgirls this time. Look.” he slides a sketchbook across the desk and Jiyoon squints.
“Is that a-”
“It’s a whip,” Hong CEO explains.
“I don’t understand,” Gayoon says, “did you mean to call Hyuna?”
Hong CEO sighs, and Gayoon feels bad when she realises what a nuisance she’s probably become in the past month or so. She tries to school her face into something a bit more reasonable and drags the sketches towards herself, flicking through them. They're... not terrible, exactly. But there's no subtlety lost.
"I know it's a little... radical," Hong CEO admits. "I'm just saying that if we have an opportunity, we should take it."
"Doesn't this go against..." Gayoon stops at a sketch of a model wearing a pair of tiny booty shorts and a plaid bra "...staying low."
Hong CEO sighs. "Do you plan on staying low forever until all everyone remembers about you is that you cursed on national television and had an affair with a married man?" Gayoon stiffens, and Jiyoon reaches a hand out to rub comforting circles on her back. Hong CEO isn't a bad guy, and he looks genuinely sorry when he places a hand on Gayoon's arm. "I'm just saying that sometimes the best option is just to take what people think, and run with it."
Gayoon twists her lips. "No, I understand," she says. "But... I don't like these designs. Can I be in charge of the styling again?"
Hong CEO looks hesitant, but Gayoon was one of the first trainees he took in along with Kikwang -- and there's not much competition there in regards to which one he'd develop a soft spot for.
"Okay, sure. It depends on the art director though. If he gives the okay," he concedes.
It's a lot more than Gayoon expected in her current situation. “Thank you," she says, bowing.
Her hands find Jiyoon's own, and she intertwines their fingers together before dragging them both out the door. She doesn't let go of Jiyoon's hand until they're in the elevator, when she presses the button for the lobby and rests her forehead against the metal walls.
"We've always wanted a comeback," Jiyoon says.
Gayoon closes her eyes. "We did, didn't we? This is good news. You should thank me."
Jiyoon doesn't thank her, but pulls Gayoon into a hug she didn't ask for, but possibly wanted. Gayoon isn't too good at affection, but Jiyoon is tactile and buries her head into the nook of Gayoon's shoulder like she's the one being comforted.
"Thank you Gayoori," Jiyoon croons in a disgustingly high pitched voice.
Jiyoon's hair is damaged and dry against Gayoon's fingers. Thankfully that's the only thing.
Gayoon almost immediately regrets her idea when she gets to the company and finds Doojoon sitting outside the Art Director’s office, bouncing BEAST’s coordi’s four-year-old daughter on his knee. It's not like Gayoon is particularly maternal or anything, and she doesn't believe in the concept of a biological clock. But there really aren’t many people who are strong in the face of a handsome man who's good with kids. Gayoon will admit that much-- Doojoon is handsome. It'd be a disservice to her eighteen-year-old self to deny it.
Gayoon is glad she'd chosen to wear her sunglasses inside today. She pushes them closer to her face and sits on the opposite end of the couch to Doojoon, opening up her folder and looking through her designs with an intensity that implied she hadn't painstakingly gone through every detail last night.
"What's that?"
Gayoon accidentally pinches the edge of one of her sketches and scowls, trying to smooth it out with her thumb. "They're designs. I want to run them by the stylist, see if I can get any say in this."
Gayoon doesn’t ignore Doojoon because she hates being a hypocrite, and she doesn't see the need to ignore something that has little significance to her life whether or not it's there. She doesn’t not ignore him as an invitation for Doojoon to scoot right into her space so that she can feel how abnormally hot his body runs through his thin shirt, and smell the woodsy cologne that Beast is endorsing nowadays.
“It looks good,” Doojoon says, adjusting the baby in his lap. When she tries to reach out to touch Gayoon’s sketches with saliva slick fingers, Doojoon catches her hand and pulls her closer to his chest.
“Hey,” he reprimands gently, “we don’t do that, alright Jimin?”
Jimin gurgles and swipes her hand over Doojoon’s face. Doojoon plasters on a fake scowl and pretends to bite Jimin's fingers, eliciting a scandalised squeal.
Gayoon has a strong resolve, she's pragmatic about things and good at keeping herself in check. She used to think Doojoon was the same up until a few months ago, when he proved her wrong in the worst way possible. So Gayoon can't help the suspicion that this entire thing is a cruel set up and Doojoon is doing it all on purpose.
"Are you excited about this comeback?" he asks. Like they're friends.
Gayoon actually has to think about it. She should be, and in any other circumstance she would be. That careless slip-up on television had only been a little more than a month ago, and ever since then Gayoon's felt like she's just been laying on her back in the ocean, being pulled whatever way by the current.
"Yeah," she lies.
Doojoon sees right through her but has the decency not to say anything, which -- a little too late, Gayoon thinks. That's always been Doojoon's problem really. He knows Gayoon too well, and then does shit to ruin her from the inside out anyway.
When the door to the office finally opens, Gayoon doesn’t wait to be called in before leaving her seat.
There are certain growth milestones you give up when you choose to take on the path of an idol. Gayoon's seen the brunt of it on Sohyun, who's never had a chance to go on school trips, have to sit through tedious school festivals, or even properly crush on a dumb boy her age. Gayoon supposes it's the same sort of thing when she listens, enraptured, to her friends crying about their latest breakup and, even though she's aware that objectively it can't be fun, she wants.
It's not a secret. Never has been. Gayoon wants to date. Badly.
She isn't banned from it either. The entire murky issue of personal relationships -- romantic or otherwise -- tends to manage itself. You just know. You know making friends is part of the job, you know that dating within the first one and a half years of your debut just comes across as negligence, and you know to not fuck around where you work. This is why the five of them spend most of their time hibernating in the waiting rooms instead of attempting to take part in the Who You Know games. This is why, even though their stylist and Jihyun have been making eyes at each other for months, it's not the right time until they're finally the third-to-last ones performing on music shows. This is why Hyunseung and Hyuna have no problem recreating raunchy bedroom moves on stage -- because even after the show is over, the job doesn't end.
She dates one guy, a non-celebrity, for four months. He's a friend of Jiyoon's brother, his favourite member is Hyuna, and he tells Gayoon this while smirking and blatantly giving her emaciated body -- including her, in Doojoon's words, "grasshopper legs" -- a blatant once over. It's score one for her enzyme diet, and the word "yes" is out of her mouth as soon as he asks.
Jiyoon looks at her dubiously when they drive home, and says, "He really isn't your type."
"I don't have a type," is what Gayoon insists.
Their first date is at his house. They talk for two hours, she does a terrible job at trying to cook, and so they end up eating black bean noodles on his living room floor.
Their second date is one and a half months later, inside of his BMW. She brings her laptop so they can watch Moonlight Kingdom while drinking bubble tea and eating spicy rice cakes out of plastic boxes.
The third date is only two weeks later, and it's at her dorm. They're watching another movie snuggled on the couch, Gayoon's head resting against the crook of his neck, and halfway in Sohyun walks through the door and goes "Oh, sorry unnie. I thought he wasn't coming until tomorrow." followed by "Hey, is that soju? Can I try some?".
The fourth date is a month later. Shinsadong Tiger offers Gayoon the use of his van, and in a lapse of terrible judgement and slight desperation, she takes it. It's awkward and Gayoon doesn't feel the need to rehash the story when Hyuna tells it better to anyone who asks anyway.
Their fifth date, he has one hand underneath Gayoon's shirt, the other gripping her skinny thighs, and his mouth is trailing kisses from her collarbone and to her neck. Her hands are on the top button of her shirt when he buries his nose into her hair and goes "I like black hair a lot better on you."
Gayoon is the one to end things.
2Yoon's comeback is a blur. Gayoon gets her styling approved after various drafts and reimaginings, and at the end of it the final product is so derivative from Gayoon's original designs she's not even sure if it counts. It's not like Gayoon hates having to be sexy -- prefers it to the 2NE1 on acid concept they were trying to emulate during their debut days. It's just that Hyuna does it so well already, and Gayoon's always thought she had a niche for herself too. When the coordi pulls Gayoon’s shirt tighter against her chest, it tells her that no, she doesn't in fact, have any special niche at all.
Then there's the public reaction. When Jiyoon's teaser came out, it was surprisingly tame. There was the obligatory whining about the degeneration of society, but Jiyoon knows not to take those personally anymore, they'll say it to anyone. When Gayoon's came out however, even though she was showing less skin than Jiyoon, that's when the finger pointing and cries of 'slut' started getting louder. The articles also got three times the number of hits, so Gayoon tries to make herself feel good about that at least.
There’s a move in the choreography where Gayoon pretends to whip one of the backup dancers, and it’s always that one move that manages to consistently break her suspension of belief every time. Until then she gets away with pretending the whole setup and concept isn’t ridiculous, but all it takes is one flick of her wrist for all pretences to crumble, and she has to do the action in front of a mirror twenty times in a row to stop herself from bursting out laughing in the middle of her line.
At the end of the day though, this is the fact of the matter: after just two weeks of promotion, their song somehow manages to make it to number one on Melon, Soribada, and Gaon.
She goes outside to take a cigarette break, and only realises once she's patting the empty pockets of her thin coat that she's quit. Annoyed, she growls under her breath and is about to storm back inside when she hears a familiar voice coming from behind her.
Not counting their awkward meeting outside of the CEO's office, it feels like she hasn't seen Doojoon in ages. Amidst all the damage control and the constant preparation surrounding 2Yoon's comeback, it's not that surprising, and she doesn't even actually register the fact it's probably been months since they’ve properly talked until she's watching Doojoon lean in much too close to one of Cube’s backup dancers, Yoomi.
Gayoon doesn't remember making a noise, but she must have, because the two of them jump away from each other in less than a nano-second, looking like Gayoon was pointing a gun towards them. Serves them right, really.
"Unnie," Yoomi says, and Gayoon can't help it-- she doesn't want to be that kind of person, but she narrows her eyes at her. Doojoon squints and reaches over to squeeze Yoomi’s hand, who pulls it back against her chest before quickly apologising. "Sorry, I didn't see you there. I just- I'll just go." She doesn't look at either Gayoon or Doojoon before making a hasty retreat for the entrance.
Gayoon waits until she's sure Yoomi’s out of earshot before stalking up to Doojoon and poking a finger at his chest. "Are you crazy?"
Doojoon looks down at Gayoon's skinny finger, then pulls it off his chest like he’s flicking off a bug. "Hello to you too," he says.
Gayoon ignores him. "What are you thinking? Outside SBS's building? Great leadership skills oppa, doing real good for the team."
Doojoon, who'd looked halfway between resigned and uncannily amused until now, suddenly stiffens. "Yeah, this is crazy. We look too obvious here, let's take it inside."
It's an obvious attempt to get a rise out of her, and Gayoon is easy as fuck, because it works much too well. "Ha. No. I'm not you, alright? I'm not going around canoodling with dancers from the same agency."
"Yeah, you're not," Doojoon says, stepping forward into Gayoon's space. His eyes are trained on her face, but Gayoon suddenly feels hyper-aware of how much skin she's showing, can feel every goosebump in the chilly air.
"You're not," Doojoon repeats. "So what's it to you if I do?"
Gayoon’s mind is blaring, she tries to delve past all the panic and stress inside of her to find the indignance she usually carries so closely. It’s still there, just muted, and she grasps at it desperately.
“I’m not going to let you make me feel bad,” she says.
Doojoon shakes his head. “I’ve never ever wanted to make you feel bad. I’m not going to start now.”
“Well you’re doing a pretty good job of it,” she accuses. She isn’t crying, but her voice comes out cracked and so small it’d probably be better if she did.
Doojoon sighs. “No, Gayoonie-”
“Don’t call me that,” Gayoon snaps weakly, looking at the ground.
“-You’re doing it to yourself.”
There’s a group of people inside the building ready to congratulate her, and Gayoon doesn’t want to see any of them. It’s unfair. Maybe she isn’t the most obedient and passive idol in the industry, but she does what she has to. Gayoon wants to be happy, but she wants to be good at her job more. So she compromises. Now she finally has something to show for it, and people know her name, and she’s number one on digital charts, and maybe sometimes she’s happy, but definitely not right now. It’s unfair. Usually she’d be resigned to it, but with Doojoon looking at her like he pities her, the payoff doesn’t seem worth it at all.
Neither of them speak for a moment, and Gayoon appreciates it, needs the stretch of silence to gather together more familiar pieces of herself.
“I’m not going to go home with her,” Doojoon says, moving away to put some distance between them.
Gayoon sniffs. “Good,” she mumbles. She swipes at her eyes, and her hand comes away slightly wet. She’s embarrassed, but then decides to fuck it. If Doojoon wants to make fun of her she’ll just make herself cry harder and he can awkwardly deal with it.
“I hope you win,” Doojoon says. He pats her on the back when he walks past, and she’s not sure whether he meant for it to feel so ironic.
Occasionally Gayoon feels liberated by the fact she doesn't even have to worry about making people like her anymore. Until she realises that she's Heo Gayoon, and that even before she became an idol, all she wanted was validation. The Heo Gayoon in a tight tank top and cowboy hat, who stands on the ending stage for Inkigayo trying to ignore the snide glares she's receiving from a few EXO fans up front, isn't her.
She's busy trying to adjust her heels, and it isn't until Jiyoon almost falls into her, shocked and delighted, that she realises that they've announced the winner. And it isn't until she's ushered to the centre of the crowd with a trophy in her hand, Jiyoon crying next to her, that she realises they're the winner.
They're filming a follow up music video as a gift for the fans, since the original one hit twenty million views. Gayoon is pretty sure ten million of those are from the same horny guys playing it on loop in their parent's basement, but she knows better than to question what works.
Because the new video is considerably more low budget, and the fact the company has pretty much already milked Gayoon's notoriety dry, Gayoon is given proper creative control this time around. She's huddled in a warm coat, watching Jiyoon film her solo shot and admiring the boots she'd chosen for her, when she feels someone pulling the collar of her shirt and something cold, and slippery, slides down her back.
Gayoon startles, jumps around until the weird sensation disappears, and she hears something fall to the ground. She looks down and only just realises what it is before it slithers away quickly, towards where the film crew is. Gayoon holds her breath as the snake wraps itself around one of the camera men's legs, and braces herself for the impact. It takes less than a second for everybody to start screaming and clambering for shelter. Gayoon should try and salvage the situation, but a familiar chuckle comes from behind her, and on instinct she turns around to punch Doojoon's arm.
"Are you trying to sabotage our shooting?" she asks, narrowing her eyes.
Doojoon raises his hands, grinning at her sheepishly. "I came to give my support!"
There's a sound of something falling over, and a crash. Doojoon winces. "Alright, you might have to do a few retakes."
Gayoon rubs her hands down her face. "Urghhh, you give me a migraine."
"Then I can die happy," Doojoon chirps.
Gayoon wants to step on his satisfied grin with her heels. Just a few weeks ago he left her in a back alley while she tried not to cry, and now he waltzes in like they’re best friends again. Unfortunately, she can hear one of the boom guys threatening to kill the snake with their bare hands, and she can't let her fellow cold blooded fall to such a demise. "Leave. We'll talk later," she warns Doojoon, stomping away towards the havoc.
There's a ten metre radius cleared from where the snake is, and she can spot a few crew members hiding in the surrounding trees. Gayoon stalks up to where the snake is curled into a ball and bends down, carefully picking it up and letting it wrap itself around her arm. She pets it's skin, recognises the brown scales and dorsal blotches as being distinct to the docile, non-venomous, royal python. It lifts itself up so it's eye level with Gayoon, sticking it's tongue out and hissing. It takes all of Gayoon's effort not to coo.
"Get a room!" Jiyoon yells, stumbling forward on shaky legs.
Gayoon lets herself gently handle the snake while the crew sets up again and recovers from the trauma. "You are so cute," Gayoon baby talks. "How could Yoon Doojoon treat you so brashly?" She shifts to let the snake curl into itself on her lap, and that’s when she feels something brush against her neck.
Gayoon reaches an arm back, and scowls when she finds a piece of paper taped onto the collar of her coat. She rips it off, and is expecting to see something like ’kick me’ scrawled on it. She isn’t sure if what’s written instead is better or worse.
Congratulations on a successful promotional run! If you like the snake, at least more than you like me, then let’s be friends again - Doojoon
The python has moved from Gayoon’s lap and is climbing it’s way up her arm again. Gayoon smiles and runs a finger along it’s tail.
She does like the snake.
Gayoon is asleep when someone climbs into bed next to her. There are only two people who have the key to her apartment, but even without that knowledge, Gayoon would know intuitively that it’s Jiyoon. Just from the way she adjusts the blankets so that Gayoon still gets most of it.
“If you’re going to invade my space then at least do it properly,” Gayoon mumbles, lifting the blanket and dumping half of it on Jiyoon. It feels like they’re trainees again, except the exhaustion Gayoon feels runs deeper now, down to the marrow of her bones.
“I like your snake,” Jiyoon says. Gayoon snorts. “I like that you like your snake,” Jiyoon amends.
Gayoon is ready to fall asleep, but it’s like there’s a thin thread of awareness still hanging tight through her, and she just can’t seem to break it. She tosses around so she’s face to face with Jiyoon, and isn’t surprised to find her completely awake.
“Sorry,” Gayoon apologises.
Jiyoon furrows her eyebrows. “Why?”
“I don’t know,” Gayoon says. She really doesn’t, but she knows she means it sincerely. “I feel like I’ve dragged you down with me.”
“Remember that time we both got kicked out of the company for disappearing for a day?” Jiyoon muses. “No regrets.”
“No regrets?” Gayoon says incredulously. “We were literally on our knees begging for a second chance. I quote, ‘I’ve never regretted anything more in my life’ -- Jeon Jiyoon, 2008."
“I meant no regrets that it was me and you!” Jiyoon exclaims. “Of course we shouldn’t have done it. I can’t even imagine trying to pull something like that now.”
“Right?” Gayoon tries to picture it. Turning her phone off and just running away. Wandering around the streets doing nothing, wearing anything, eating everything. Living a few hours without any responsibilities. She stops thinking about it once she realises how much she wants it.
“Actually, we could probably do it,” Jiyoon suggests. “Run away after Music Core and go to that meat restaurant in Hongdae.”
“In our cowgirl lingerie?” Gayoon adds. Jiyoon puffs up her cheeks and nods, before laughing into the side of Gayoon’s pillow. “Please, I don’t want to stay in those clothes longer than I have to.”
“What can we do?” Jiyoon says. “There’s no point fighting it, we don’t have a choice.”
“Thanks for your positivity,” Gayoon says drily. “I always need a reminder about how we have no choice in anything.”
“Now you’re just being pessimistic,” Jiyoon refutes. “It’s not like we’re robots. I really do love music you know.”
Jiyoon rarely snaps at people she cares about, so Gayoon’s learnt how to read between the lines to know when she’s offended. She squeezes Jiyoon’s elbow to convey an apology. Gayoon loves music too, of course she does. “Same, I just mean, it’s not like I don’t love anything else.”
Jiyoon doesn’t speak for a second, and when she does Gayoon wants to push her off the bed. “Or anyone else, am I right?” She squeals when Gayoon starts jabbing her ribs.
“Get out,” Gayoon orders.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jiyoon pacifies, rolling over so she’s hugging Gayoon like she’s a teddy bear. “You’re proving my point though. You can’t control every part of your life Gayoori, but that only means you’re allowed to be just a little careless with the bits you can.”
The words do the trick, relaxes something in Gayoon that she didn’t know was constricted. The last thought she has before her mind is warmed by sleep is that she doesn’t want to give Jiyoon any affirmation. “Is that the advice you give all our hoobaes?” she asks drowsily.
Gayoon closes her eyes, but she can feel Jiyoon shake her head. “Nah, you’re just special.”
At nineteen, Gayoon’s ideal type is Yoon Doojoon. Not in the unattainable, dreamy kind of way where Lee Minho is everybody’s ideal type. But in the more grounded way, where she can pretend she isn’t staring at him through the practice room mirror, and has trouble looking him in the eye after she marathons Hot Blood. She’s just broken up with her soldier boyfriend, and every other guy she knows wears school uniforms and loves spitballs, or are Kikwang. Doojoon is so good looking, and knows Gayoon’s name, and he’s just real enough to not feel real. It’s cute, more than anything. Harmless. Doojoon agrees when Gayoon admits it to him almost two years later, when he’s the furthest thing from her ideal type, and closer to being her friend.
After debut, Gayoon’s ideal type is Gong Yoo. Completely out of her league, not even in the same plane, is what netizens say. Gayoon agrees. Gong Yoo is carved out of marble, and now that she’s officially in the industry, it’s fun to imagine him sweeping her away, but it also doesn’t sting to know it’s a ridiculous sentiment to carry. At some point, Gayoon isn’t sure when, Gong Yoo stops being her ideal type, and becomes little more than an easy answer.
At twenty three, Gayoon’s ideal type is anyone who actually cares substantially about her, and who won’t get in the way of her work. She words it a bit differently on broadcast, but the gist of it is the same. It’s not even a real ideal type, but a compromise she makes for herself. It’s sad, but not surprising, how few guys manage to fit the former criteria, and how she slowly starts believing just fulfilling the latter is enough.
At twenty five Gayoon doesn’t know who her ideal type is, just that it can’t be Doojoon. She thought they had some silent understanding, that yeah they could date each other, maybe it’ll even seem okay for a while, but they wouldn’t. It’s not a good idea to fuck around where you work. It’s like playing a game of russian roulette, and chances have never been in Gayoon’s favour. That’s why they’re fine joking about dating each other on variety shows for the whole world to hear, right? Doojoon was meant to be as far from her grasp as Gong Yoo, as unrealistic an expectation as a guy who thinks she’s worth the packed schedules and months without contact. Of course, Gayoon doesn’t tell Doojoon any of this. She tells him ’No’, and watches his face close off completely.
Standing outside the door to Doojoon’s apartment, Gayoon realises that it never mattered who her ideal type was. She’d never been content with any of the guys she dated, really. She’d only ever been content because Doojoon was running parallel to her, that although they’d never be together, they’d always be heading in the same direction. And one day, in the future, she hoped it’d finally be okay to stray from their paths a little bit.
Gayoon doesn’t want to wait any longer though. She’d been running under the naive assumption that they’d never diverge, and as overdramatic as it sounds, Gayoon doesn’t think she’ll ever be happy if they do. It takes all of her courage, thinking of every regret she’ll have if she doesn’t go through with this, to knock on the door.
Doojoon appears, hair mussed, eyes half closed, and in a shirt that’s probably too expensive to sleep in. He blinks when his brain catches up and notices Gayoon standing in front of him. “What are you doing here?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.
“No,” Gayoon answers.
Doojoon is beginning to look irritated, and Gayoon feels a bubble of giddiness inside of her. “No, what?”
Gayoon reaches into her coat for the piece of paper and thrusts it into Doojoon’s hands. He looks taken aback for a second, before uncrumpling it and reading. “So what? No you--”
“No I don’t want to be friends,” Gayoon interrupts. She licks her lips, uses the six years of pining inside of her to fuel her momentum. “I- this is is stupid. I shouldn’t even have to say anything.”
Doojoon leans onto the doorframe smugly, crossing his arms. “I’m not getting your drift.”
Doojoon is lucky, so lucky, that instead of making Gayoon angry like it should, it helps calm her nerves. Suddenly she feels confident enough to loudly proclaim:
“I’m in love with Kikwang.”
Doojoon looks dumbfounded. Then he’s laughing, hard. Gayoon feels the corners of her mouth edge up into a smile.
“Kikwang, hey?” Doojoon confirms.
Gayoon nods solemnly. “I thought I should be the one to tell you.”
“Alright,” Doojoon steps out of the doorframe, is suddenly so close that Gayoon has to bend her neck back just to meet his eyes. “Let’s not tell him about this then.”
Doojoon kisses her, puts a hand behind her neck to carefully support her head. It’s slow, and it burns in her stomach, like she’s wading through lava. She brings a hand up to grab at Doojoon’s hair, and tugs until he wraps both his arms around her waist to bring her closer. He lifts her up against him so her toes skid the floor, and then they’re kissing deeper.
It can’t have actually lasted for very long, because Gayoon still has too much breath left. But she still feels strange, like someone replaced the air in her lungs with helium.
She tries to get some words out. “Okay well…” she inhales. “Now that that’s over with.”
Doojoon barks out a laugh. “That has got to be the best feedback I’ve ever gotten,” he says.
Gayoon scrunches her nose and hits his stomach. “Stop it. I don’t exactly do this often, alright? I just--”
“What the fuck is that?” Doojoon exclaims, stumbling away from Gayoon.
Gayoon is confused until she feels her hoodie shift, and smooth scales rub against her neck. “Oh,” she says. She brings her hand up to let the snake climb onto it. “Kkwonsso is awake.”
“Kkwonsso,” Doojoon says, “You named it after Sohyun?”
“Sohyun named it after Sohyun, but now everybody’s too used to it. I wanted to name her Rihanna,” Gayoon grumbles.
“Was bringing the snake really necessary?” Doojoon asks, a little repulsed. “Aren’t there regulations? What if it tries to escape?”
“I didn’t want to leave her at home,” Gayoon says. Plus she was nervous, and patting Kkwonsso’s skin always helped calm her down. “And she won’t! She’s actually very calm for a snake, only gets annoyed if you handle her roughly.”
“I’m glad you liked my gift,” Doojoon says, eyeing Kkwonsso carefully as she drapes herself across Gayoon’s shoulder. “But I’m not letting it into my apartment.”
“I have her cage in my car,” Gayoon offers. “I could go down and get it, and you can wait here, and-- do you have a small space heater? Or dead mice around by any chance?” It’s possible that Gayoon did not think through the semantics of this visit very well. “That’s… probably a lot of trouble. Uh, so I’ll go home and... text me?”
Doojoon breathes out exasperatedly and beckons her forward. Gayoon shuffles over cautiously, isn’t prepared for it when Doojoon tilts her chin up and kisses her sweetly on the mouth -- like it’s something they do, something that’s natural between them. It’s somehow more meaningful than their first kiss.
“Eh, I’ve gone through worse trouble for you,” Doojoon says. Kkwonsso moves to wrap herself around where Gayoon was clutching Doojoon’s arm. “It’s worth it," he assures, and Gayoon doesn't fight the smitten grin that's coming through. Doojoon notices and tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
"Always is."
a/n: and now i can finally give credit where credits due! thank you to naladot, darkyulate, slashedsilver, and mara_ciro, for being the best teammates with brainstorming/beta-ing, and just general handholding ♥ and thank you forever to concordances for always doing the most with beta-ing even when she doesn't even have to ;___;