WAR!! AND SEXISM?!
Kamesen: *cartwheels into the room*
Mario: *sitting on the couch, pulls his knees to his chest as Kamesen careens by and smashes into the tv* Well aren't we lively!
Kamesen: *gets up, huffing and puffing and cursing up a storm* Coffee.
Mario: Aaah yes that explains it. This is why I prefer biru.
Kurenai: *pops her head in* So, desu ne.
Samus: *rolls in, uncurls, fixes tv*
Kamesen: Do not subject me to this horror
Samus: To quote Radiohead, "You do this to yourself, you do" *turns on tv*
News: ISIS, WAR, AMERICA, BLAH BLAH BLAH I EAT DICKS
Kamesen: I thought they just called themselves 'IS' now.
Obama: *runs in* It's 'ISIL'.
Kamesen: What the f(truck horn)ck does that stand for.
Obama: Islamic.. State of.. Ill-gotten Leprosy; I don't know. *runs back out*
Kamesen: *narrows eyes* He knows.
Cheney: *runs in* WARRRRHRGHGH
Kamesen: *socks him in the nuts* Stop it.
Cheney: I DON'T FEEL THINGS DOWN THERE ANYMORE; I'M OLD.
Kamesen: *grabs his pudgy little cheeks*
Cheney: ...WARRRGHRGRH--blbllb
Kamesen: *wrassles his cheeks around* DON'T
Peach: *pops her head up at the outside window* Now Kamesen, everyone deserves to have their say.
Kamesen: *sighs* Fine, what's your plan.
Cheney: Boots on the ground! Troops! Tanks! Guns! Missiles!
Kamesen: Translation- another ten-year war amounting to nothing except a heap of debt for America and a heap of dead brown people.
Mario: Brutal.
Kamesen: It's the truth.
Cheney: Pshh naaaw son, n-..nawww.
Kamesen: Yea tho.
Cheney: ..N..naaww. It's legit.
Kamesen: Uh huh. And the trillions of dollars pouring into the pockets of everyone latched onto the swollen teet that is the US defense budget..
Cheney: HE KNOWS TOO MUCH! KILL HIM!
Kamesen: ...
Cheney: *looks around, then just pulls out a gun and shoots at him repeatedly*
Kamesen: *winces lightly as a picture frame explodes behind him, a vase shatters, a player piano gets hit and rattles off a few broken, dreary notes*
Cheney: CURSES *throws the gun at Kamesen*
Kamesen: *deftly catches it* Thanks! *shoots Cheney in the knee*
Cheney: AAAAHHHH
Gandalf: *runs in and conks him on the head*
Cheney: *catches on fire and goes running toward the window* AAAHHHHAGHGHGH
Gandalf: So passes Cheney, son of.. some dumbf(beep)ck, lord of.. ill-gotten cash.
Cheney: *smashes through the window and falls eight feet into a kiddy pool*
Kamesen: Anyway.
Obama: *runs in* I got my strategy ready for how to deal with ISIS. IS..IL.. Whatever.
Kamesen: Shoot.
Obama: We use planes. I doubt they have any.
Kamesen: Smart.
Obama: And the Iraqi troops on the ground can do whatever the heck they want too.
Kamesen: I have an even better idea..
Obama: Oh ja?
(soon)
Kamesen: *standing behind a building with some spec ops troops*
Syrian guy: Doot doot *walks down the street*
Kamesen: *grabs the guy* Tell us where the ISIS leader is.
Syrian guy: Eek! I don't know!
Kamesen: We'll pay you a billion bucks.
Syrian guy: He's downstairs.
Kamesen: Thanks. *hands him a briefcase*
Syrian guy: WOOHOO *grabs the briefcase and opens it*
Money: *immediately catches on fire*
Syrian guy: ....Dangit.
Kamesen: COME ON BOYS WE ALL GOIN' TO DA CITY NOW
Spec ops: YEEE HOO *run inside the building and go downstairs*
ISIS leader: HOW DID YOU FIND ME
Kamesen: SHUT UP *shoots him*
ISIS leader: *dies*
Kamesen: HEH.
ISIS leader #2: FOOL. I WILL TAKE HIS PLACE. OUR REIGN OF TERROR WILL NEVER-
Kamesen: *shoots him too*
ISIS leader #2: *dies*
Kamesen: Anyone else?
ISIS leader #3: .......
Kamesen: : D *aims gun at him*
ISIS leader #3: Fuck it, I quit. This sh(honk)t is not worth it.
ISIS troops: BUT WHAT ABOUT CRUSHING OUR ENEMIES AND CREATING AN ISLAMIC STATE?!
Kamesen: *shrugs* Build a time machine and go uphold the glory of the Ottoman Empire.
ISIS troops: NOT FAIR
Kamesen: Life's not fair. Best enjoy it while it lasts, instead of wasting it on pointless fighting.
ISIS troops: BUT FIGHTING IS ALL WE KNOW.
Kamesen: HOW IS THAT MY PROBLEM, ASSHOLES?!
ISIS troops: BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AMERICAN PIG.
Kamesen: SHYADDAP *fires the rest of his shots into a nearby player piano and then throws his gun at somebodys knee*
ISIS guy: OWWIE. AMERICAN SWINE.
Kamesen: That me. *walks out* C'mon guys.
Spec ops: Later pertater *leave*
ISIS troops: I guess we should just be happy to be alive or some crap.
ISIS leader #3: What are we going to do with our lives now?!
Kamesen: *runs back in* HERE, YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SUBHUMAN GARBAGE. IT'S A GAMEBOY *shoves Gameboy in his hands*
ISIS leader #3: Wow, Pokemon!
(later)
Kamesen: *climbs back in through the window* And that's.. how ya do it. *falls off the windowsill and hits the floor* OW
Lara Croft: Welcome back.
Kamesen: Thank you. *waddles over to the couch*
Mario: *snoring*
Lara Croft: Aw he's all tuckered out.
U.S. Government: WHAT DO WE DO WITH ALL THIS MONEY THAT WE DIDN'T WASTE ON ANOTHER DECADE LONG WAR?!
Kamesen: Roads, schools, etc.
Obama: *runs in* How'd everything turn out?
Kamesen: Not bad. Had to shoot a couple jerks.
Obama: Harsh.
Kamesen: Tru.
Obama: Well, thanks for all your help. Here's the key to the city. *hands him a cupcake*
Kamesen: *crams it in his mouth* Fhfhghw
Obama: Mm hmm. Laters. *runs off*
Senator: *runs in* BENGHAZI
Kamesen: *shoots him*
Princess Peach: KAMESEN STOP IT
Kamesen: I just saved the United States millions of dollars tho.
Princess Peach: WHAT
Kamesen: I shot that guy, so now he won't do another pointless Benghazi investigation, thereby saving millions of dollars. Which can go to roads and schools, which, over time, will save hundreds of lives.
Senator: I'M NOT DEAD YET
Kamesen: *looks at gun*
Gun: *shrugs*
Kamesen: God damn it *throws gun at the floor*
God: HEY.
Kamesen: ...
God: GO TO CHURCH
Kamesen: PROVIDE AMPHETAMINES
God: Deal.
Kamesen: WOOHOO!!
(twelve years later)
Kamesen: *paddles a rowboat up to the house, jumps out and runs inside*
Samus: *sitting on the floor with her legs splayed to either side, using a hammer to smash at a scuttling roach*
Kamesen: Business as usual, Samus?
Samus: *FRUSTRATED GRUNT*
Kamesen: *runs upstairs*
Mario: *passed out on a pile of beer bottles with a note taped to his butt*
Kamesen: What the *grabs note and reads aloud* "People are still mad at Anita Sarkeesian." Huh. *crumples up note and throws it away*
Mario: Oh man.. *sits up, rubbing his face* Isn't she some kind of con artist?
Kamesen: She asked for 6 grand to fund her endeavor to make videos portraying the issue of sexism and misogyny in video games.
Mario: And what did she get?
Kamesen: 150 grand and a boatload of death threats.
Mario: Seems like misogyny is alive and kicking in today's society, as evidenced by: A) A whole lot of people who want to spread awareness and shut it down, hence the enthusastic cash flow towards her cause and B) The death threats.
Kamesen: It would seem that way.
Mario: And yet barely anyone is angry at the guy who made thousands on his 'Give me money and I'll make potato salad for myself' kickstarter.
Kamesen: Yeah well anyway. *throws a shoe at the t.v.*
TV: HONK
Kamesen: Ok.
Man: *walks up* Um excuse me.
Kamesen: What.
Man: I'm sick and tired of all these women bashing us.
Kamesen: Uh huh.
Man: Not all of us are bad ok?!
Kamesen: Sure.
Man: So it pisses me off that-
Kamesen: Pisses you off.. *narrows eyes* That's.. terrible. I'm so sorry for your loss. I mean that is just awful that you have to live with that. Being pissed off. Mm. Tragic.
Man: You're being sarcastic.
Mario: He does that a lot.
Kamesen: Now Mario, being pissed off is quite a sad way to live. Certainly much worse than being stalked, harassed, abused, oppressed, beaten and killed.
Man: What
Kamesen: That's what men do to women every day. If you hadn't noticed.
Man: NOT ALL MEN ARE BAD THOUGH
Kamesen: Good for you! Do you want an award?!
Man: I WANT WOMEN TO TREAT ME LIKE THE NICE GUY THAT I AM.
Kamesen: *stands up off the couch* WELL THEN TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT AND MAYBE THEY WILL! DO THE BARE MINIMUM AND DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE TO A WOMAN. DO A LITTLE MORE AND CONVINCE YOUR FRIENDS NOT TO BE ASSHOLES TO WOMEN. WHAT. A. CONCEPT. It's as if we have.. power.. and privilege to perform these feats. Amazing.
Man: *runs off crying*
Kamesen: I will allow him to cry without making fun of him because I am a progressive feminist.
Mario: *shouts after the guy* SISSY
Kamesen: MARIO.
Mario: Sorry.
Kamesen: *socks him in the gut*
Mario: OOF
Peach: KAMESEN
Kamesen: STOP YELLING AT ME
Peach: *kicks him in the face*
Kamesen: *slams against a wall and crumples to the floor* HURGL
Samus: *runs in* PEACH.
Peach: NO
Samus: *busts a beer bottle over her head*
Peach: OOOoowww *sits down*
Samus: THAT WAS MY LAST BEER, TOO.
*Everyone just starts laughing hysterically*
THE END