Unexpected
Hey guys,
Ok, it's time for me to go ahead with that emo post I had been putting off. I have had a fairly rough couple of weeks... however, for the sake of brevity and not subjecting you all to my depression, I will put everything behind cuts.
Well, it all started about a month ago. I was called up to Boston for the first two weeks of November so that I could help out with a big software conversion up there. It was actually quite unbelievably difficult for me being up there - not only did I feel lonely and isolated, but my irrational drive to do my job perfectly was taxed to its limits by the sheer range of crap I was doing, from software troubleshooting to procedure design to customer visits. I was working 12 hour days and was pretty much miserable. I was asked to spend the entire month of November in Boston to continue to help out, but I told them I had to come back by the weekend of the 16th because it was my one year anniversary with my girlfriend.
In fact Cassie and I had been sort of together for a while before we officially started dating, but we had decided on making November 16th our anniversary, and as such I had planned a big evening. I got us tickets to go see Next To Normal on Broadway, and I will admit I spent a little more than I probably should have to get us very good seats because it is one of Cassie's favorite shows. We went out to a cute little Japanese place before the show - I personally hate Japanese food, but again I wanted to make Cassie happy. The waitress at the bar joked about us being on a first date, which I laughed at while we walked to the theater because we had been going out for a year and we were *far* more stable than one of those first date couples. Cassie didn't laugh so much at the joke. Oh, foreshadowing.
So anyway, the evening ended and I took Cassie home, then went home myself. The following morning I went to her dorm while she was at class and covered her bed with flowers, pulling in a favor from her room mate (who, by the way, is still awesome. Thanks Cait!) so I could surprise her. I thought I was being so romantic and sweet. When Cassie got home from her classes, however, she texted me and asked me to come see her right away. I rushed over there - I took my car, which I normally never do because I don't like to drive, but I was worried about her. And I got there and she was sitting on the steps outside her dorm waiting to dump me. She said that the flowers had made her feel guilty and she needed to tell me that she had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while.
I have been dumped a fair number of times in my life, and I'm pretty sure that I can say without fear of contradiction that the single most hurtful thing anyone can say to you is that they tried to love you. It implies so much - that it requires a real effort to actually have genuine emotion about you, that everything that you thought was special was really just put on for your benefit... anyway, I don't want to get into the nitty gritty about the actually dumping that took place because it was a typical dumping, nothing out of the ordinary, and we've pretty much all been there. Needless to say I tried to keep my emotions in check because you *really* don't want your dumpee to see how much they are hurting you. And needless to say I felt numb and stupid for putting so much effort into making her happy because clearly even my maximum effort to be a good boyfriend couldn't overcome the basic fact that I'm not the kind of guy who is easy to love.
I find myself now looking back over my ex-girlfriends and I see that they all fell into one of two categories: the girls who were dissatisfied, who spent the entire relationship complaining about me and the way I am, and the girls who were disinterested, who left me with the distinct impression that I had really just been there as a way of killing time, and that they had known all along they were going to trade up from me at some point...
So, with all that in mind, I'm faced with a suddenly awful prospect - life. I am suddenly realizing how much time I have wasted on women who in some way or other just degraded my feelings of self-worth into nothingness and now I don't know how to get my life on a track I'm happy with. I have a pretty good job, but it is certainly not want I want to be doing forever. I always wanted to have a home of my own and a job I loved and a loving marriage with someone who respected me and cared about my happiness as much as I did theirs and maybe even kids and a nice life. However, all of those things seem so alien to the life I have now that I can't even begin to reconcile to two.
RIght now I'm sitting in my apartment wearing 6 layers of clothes because the windows in my shitty apartment don't close all the way. I'm alone, obviously, and haven't seen anyone outside of work in 3 days. My computer is broken (this entry is being typed on my work laptop which I'm not technically supposed to be using but fuck it), my Xbox is broken, I'm fairly certain my tooth is abscessed, I think my driver's license may be suspended, I spent all my money on Christmas presents this week so now I've been eating nothing but soup since Monday, and I'm tired but I can't sleep because I'm scared about having to face my life again when I wake up.
I don't know how to start a career I won't hate. I can't write at the moment because all I can imagine are really unfortunate things, and I don't want to write depressing stuff just because I'm depressed. And even if I finish a manuscript, I still have to find someone who will publish it. And then hope that someone reads it and likes it. Which means I have to write something worth reading. All of which is like some blank and trackless country to which I have no map.
I don't know how to fix any of the numerous things that are broken in my life. I'm saving up to go to a dentist, but it's going to be a while before I can get the time off work. My computer is just an extremely expensive paperweight at the moment, and I have tried literally everything i know to fix it. My Xbox outputs are all screwed up and will require quite a bit of fiddling to make it connect to the TV and the internet without losing it's mind. It's just so much to figure out and, again, it is so difficult to know where to start.
And I have no idea how to form a stable relationship with someone. I have the hardest time meeting new people, especially women. And now that I'm again "on the market" it's even worse, because all I can think when I'm considering a girl whom I find attractive is "What the hell do I have to offer her? Or any woman?" I mean, I think that even my closest of friend will agree (because they point it out frequently) that I am stubborn and self-centered and obnoxious and insensitive and can be quite amazingly stupid and incapable. What do I have worth selling, especially to a stranger? I have no confidence, and I can't get it back because I keep asking the questions "What do I have to be confident in?" and I can't seem to think of an answer.
So that's where I am right now. I don't knwo what I need, but I need something. Something good needs to happen to me because I am starting to feel like someone is holding my head underwater and it's getting easier and easier to just resign to it and say "Fine, I will live a life of utter shit!" Ugh. Time for bed. Maybe tomorrow will suck less than today. I suppose that's all any of us can hope for.
Ok, it's time for me to go ahead with that emo post I had been putting off. I have had a fairly rough couple of weeks... however, for the sake of brevity and not subjecting you all to my depression, I will put everything behind cuts.
Well, it all started about a month ago. I was called up to Boston for the first two weeks of November so that I could help out with a big software conversion up there. It was actually quite unbelievably difficult for me being up there - not only did I feel lonely and isolated, but my irrational drive to do my job perfectly was taxed to its limits by the sheer range of crap I was doing, from software troubleshooting to procedure design to customer visits. I was working 12 hour days and was pretty much miserable. I was asked to spend the entire month of November in Boston to continue to help out, but I told them I had to come back by the weekend of the 16th because it was my one year anniversary with my girlfriend.
In fact Cassie and I had been sort of together for a while before we officially started dating, but we had decided on making November 16th our anniversary, and as such I had planned a big evening. I got us tickets to go see Next To Normal on Broadway, and I will admit I spent a little more than I probably should have to get us very good seats because it is one of Cassie's favorite shows. We went out to a cute little Japanese place before the show - I personally hate Japanese food, but again I wanted to make Cassie happy. The waitress at the bar joked about us being on a first date, which I laughed at while we walked to the theater because we had been going out for a year and we were *far* more stable than one of those first date couples. Cassie didn't laugh so much at the joke. Oh, foreshadowing.
So anyway, the evening ended and I took Cassie home, then went home myself. The following morning I went to her dorm while she was at class and covered her bed with flowers, pulling in a favor from her room mate (who, by the way, is still awesome. Thanks Cait!) so I could surprise her. I thought I was being so romantic and sweet. When Cassie got home from her classes, however, she texted me and asked me to come see her right away. I rushed over there - I took my car, which I normally never do because I don't like to drive, but I was worried about her. And I got there and she was sitting on the steps outside her dorm waiting to dump me. She said that the flowers had made her feel guilty and she needed to tell me that she had been thinking about breaking up with me for a while.
I have been dumped a fair number of times in my life, and I'm pretty sure that I can say without fear of contradiction that the single most hurtful thing anyone can say to you is that they tried to love you. It implies so much - that it requires a real effort to actually have genuine emotion about you, that everything that you thought was special was really just put on for your benefit... anyway, I don't want to get into the nitty gritty about the actually dumping that took place because it was a typical dumping, nothing out of the ordinary, and we've pretty much all been there. Needless to say I tried to keep my emotions in check because you *really* don't want your dumpee to see how much they are hurting you. And needless to say I felt numb and stupid for putting so much effort into making her happy because clearly even my maximum effort to be a good boyfriend couldn't overcome the basic fact that I'm not the kind of guy who is easy to love.
I find myself now looking back over my ex-girlfriends and I see that they all fell into one of two categories: the girls who were dissatisfied, who spent the entire relationship complaining about me and the way I am, and the girls who were disinterested, who left me with the distinct impression that I had really just been there as a way of killing time, and that they had known all along they were going to trade up from me at some point...
So, with all that in mind, I'm faced with a suddenly awful prospect - life. I am suddenly realizing how much time I have wasted on women who in some way or other just degraded my feelings of self-worth into nothingness and now I don't know how to get my life on a track I'm happy with. I have a pretty good job, but it is certainly not want I want to be doing forever. I always wanted to have a home of my own and a job I loved and a loving marriage with someone who respected me and cared about my happiness as much as I did theirs and maybe even kids and a nice life. However, all of those things seem so alien to the life I have now that I can't even begin to reconcile to two.
RIght now I'm sitting in my apartment wearing 6 layers of clothes because the windows in my shitty apartment don't close all the way. I'm alone, obviously, and haven't seen anyone outside of work in 3 days. My computer is broken (this entry is being typed on my work laptop which I'm not technically supposed to be using but fuck it), my Xbox is broken, I'm fairly certain my tooth is abscessed, I think my driver's license may be suspended, I spent all my money on Christmas presents this week so now I've been eating nothing but soup since Monday, and I'm tired but I can't sleep because I'm scared about having to face my life again when I wake up.
I don't know how to start a career I won't hate. I can't write at the moment because all I can imagine are really unfortunate things, and I don't want to write depressing stuff just because I'm depressed. And even if I finish a manuscript, I still have to find someone who will publish it. And then hope that someone reads it and likes it. Which means I have to write something worth reading. All of which is like some blank and trackless country to which I have no map.
I don't know how to fix any of the numerous things that are broken in my life. I'm saving up to go to a dentist, but it's going to be a while before I can get the time off work. My computer is just an extremely expensive paperweight at the moment, and I have tried literally everything i know to fix it. My Xbox outputs are all screwed up and will require quite a bit of fiddling to make it connect to the TV and the internet without losing it's mind. It's just so much to figure out and, again, it is so difficult to know where to start.
And I have no idea how to form a stable relationship with someone. I have the hardest time meeting new people, especially women. And now that I'm again "on the market" it's even worse, because all I can think when I'm considering a girl whom I find attractive is "What the hell do I have to offer her? Or any woman?" I mean, I think that even my closest of friend will agree (because they point it out frequently) that I am stubborn and self-centered and obnoxious and insensitive and can be quite amazingly stupid and incapable. What do I have worth selling, especially to a stranger? I have no confidence, and I can't get it back because I keep asking the questions "What do I have to be confident in?" and I can't seem to think of an answer.
So that's where I am right now. I don't knwo what I need, but I need something. Something good needs to happen to me because I am starting to feel like someone is holding my head underwater and it's getting easier and easier to just resign to it and say "Fine, I will live a life of utter shit!" Ugh. Time for bed. Maybe tomorrow will suck less than today. I suppose that's all any of us can hope for.