copied from my od
Uhm, hi, hello. This is my first time so I don't really know what to say or where to begin. It's just that this is a problem I've had for quite some time and I heard that these things really help, so I want to give it a try, get it out of my system and maybe even get some help.
It's hard to say when it all started . I don't really recall a time of not hurting myself someway or another. I dont know why, it's always just been there. Ranging from small injuries to almost killing myself, it's been part of who I've been for as long as I can remember.
When I was just a little kid, small and ignorant, I would crawl everywhere and stick my nose into places it didn't belong. The more dangerous a place was, the more I wanted to go there. The bigger and scarier the animal was, the more I wanted to touch it and have it. It wasn't really conscious back then, just harmless curiousity, curiousity I learned a lot from even, but still, I guess, it was the first signal of my attraction to damaging myself. An attraction that stuck with me throughout my life.
As I started to get a bit older, I also started to learn how to use my brain, and I realized that sticking your hand in flames wasn't the best thing to do, and that staying home at the farm was a bit safer than walking out into the forest to see if you were stronger than a bear, but eventhough my attention had shifted to the house, I was still able to get into plenty of trouble. I started to discover that there were sharp things other than claws. Things like knives and blades. Things that you could use to cut things up nicely into pieces. Ofcourse I had to play with them. Ofcourse I went and cut myself. I don't know why, but knives never really left my life. Even these days I pick them up and play with them every now and then, and yes, I still tend to end up with cuts from them.
Don't misunderstand me though, it's not like I really want to hurt myself, or others, it's just something that, I don't know, happens. I know it isn't good, and I've tried to avoid it, but it never seemed to work.
I have tried religion. I tried religion tons of times. I've tried everything from christianity to islam to wicca to zen buddhism. I've tried religions that most people haven't even heard of yet. I've done everything from world religions to cults, but nothing worked. Funny thing is, more often than not I ended up hurting myself due to religion. Confusion and internal conflicts can be dangerous things to have around heavy, sharp or pointy objects. No, I've had my share of that and it didn't do anything.
I've tried different sorts of societies too, but there wasn't really anything that worked. Or maybe that's not right, because I'm sure some of them are quite good, but there were non that worked for me. Everytime I really got into one, I got jealous because I felt that others in different societies had it better. I guess it's the old "the grass is always greener on the other side". Maybe it would be better if there were no other side...but yeah, sorry, I got sidetracked there. Anyway, the point is that, for some funny reason, politics and religion are close together when it comes to the frustration they can produce. And like I said, frustration is a dangerous thing. Just try holding a thin glass when what you want to do is strangle somebody. I can tell you it ends in a painful hand and a trip to the infirmary.
Now, these things have been, though painful, not really life threatening, and I wouldn't have been here if it was just this. I mean, I'm not saying that hurting yourself is a good thing or something to be condoned, but it's not the reason that I'm here. Because regardless of the severity behind the small scars, it's nothing compared to what has been keeping me busy lately. Because a little while ago, I started studying, and that led to two things.
First of all, I've started thinking about all the small things in life and the theories behind it. I've started to dig into the thoughts and ideas behind science, religion, existence, everything. I've gone on a quest for answers, but all I've found is inconsistencies and uncertainties. Fundamental inconsistencies. And from these inconsistencies has sprouted a confusion, a great confusion and a frustration, about everything. I don't know what to think or what to believe. I don't know where I am or where I want to go. And even if I were to find out where I want to go, I have no idea if that's the right way to go or if it's the road to oblivion. I don't even know who I am...and to be honest, I don't know if I even want to know...I don't even know if I want to be... which takes me to the second thing, the thing that has caused me to be here today: I've learned how to kill myself. I've found a way to hurt myself so bad that I won't be able to get away with just a few scars and now that I know it, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't ignore it. It's staring me in the face everyday. And I don't want to do it. I don't want to die. But I'm afraid that one day the frustration will become too big, and that I will snap. And that in that shape I might accidently do something stupid and kill myself. I can't go back to how I used to be, because I can't forget, but if I stay like this I don't know how I long I will stay alive.
My name is Humanity, and I suffer from self destructive behaviour.