Comments | kanjo_girl: fic: marked faces in my lap

kanjo_girl

fic: marked faces in my lap

Aug 30, 2010 19:36

marked faces in my lap

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Char./Pairing: Kankurou/Ino

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: implied sexual relationship

Summary: There's not much he can say, because she's the one talking.

( Two arms enrap his abdomen lightly, like he'll break. )

fic: oneshot, character: yamanaka ino

Comments 2

sharikqah September 2 2010, 15:42:54 UTC

Like it. I was very lost at the start, because you dive into Kankuro's world at the onset. But the idea of scent sustains its own theme well into the story. It's the thing that makes the story hard to forget.

You lose a bit of momentum at the end. Considering their relationship gets constructed on fragments & distractions, it seems a bit pointless to let the narrative form fragment. It's definitely confusing, even the conversation about Gaara & the final section, seems to suggest that they have yet to overcome their small talk.

For the record, I really envy your ability to make really good short fiction from almost any fandom :)

kanjo_girl September 3 2010, 20:35:41 UTC

I agree, the story got off track nearing the end and it's so blaring obvious. At the time, I was hurrying to get this challenge over, so I could submit, while almost falling asleep on the table. So when I tried editing, I wasn't thinking how the dialogue would hurt the story so much.

Ah, you're the sweetest thing. But I'm afraid I've been working on short fics, while I should practice long stories. I think I've lost my touch.

Thank you for the comment. When the results come back from the challenge, I'm going to re-edit the story, because as I read it again, I can't believe I submitted this! Ah!