[video | private]mightstealyrcarJanuary 16 2011, 01:04:12 UTC
[Matt knows what it is to think like the dreamer, and not just from experiencing the dream. To fall, because jumping is a decision, and decisions aren't what he does. Or they weren't. To hold pieces of himself back where no one else can see or touch them, because that's how you get hurt, when you get careless and count on people.
He's trying not to hide the pieces away anymore.
Oh, it's this guy. Somehow, Matt isn't surprised by the realization. He's not about to offer advice that will almost definitely be unwelcome, but he can say this:] I coulda had a dream a lot like that, not too long ago.
[video | private]top_magicianJanuary 16 2011, 02:03:24 UTC
[It takes a minute for Fran to make up his mind whether or not he feels like speaking up. It's a touchy matter, one he normally wouldn't even consider talking to someone about. But it's in the middle of the night and he's feeling rather contemplative.
So the video of his Hitomi flips on to show him sitting on a rock with a waterfall behind him but there's not much light other than faint indigo glow coming somewhere off screen.]
[video | private]topxmagicianJanuary 16 2011, 02:25:59 UTC
Is that really such a bad thing though?
[Fran isn't sure himself, doesn't know if whatever he had with Hibari was really necessary. But no matter the confusion, he can't find it in himself to regret it. He probably even knows given the choice, he'd still let himself fall knowing the outcome. He had the first time around after all. He had just been proven right.]
[video | private]mightstealyrcarJanuary 16 2011, 02:50:17 UTC
[Matt thinks about this, really thinks, taking a thoughtful drag on his cigarette. Things are awkward and messy and might not work out, but would he trade any of it to go back to being alive without living? To coasting through every day again, invisible and unaffected?
Oh, hell, no.]
Depends on your priorities, man. But I think never feeling the amazing stuff is kinda the price you pay for never feeling the crappy stuff. You're the one who has to decide if it's worth it.
[video | private]topxmagicianJanuary 16 2011, 02:55:40 UTC
[He has to take a moment to think it over, really think about it this time. Did he even know what was going on between them and how it ended up that way in the first place? He didn't understand, just knew that it was the first time anything like that had happened to him and he had wanted it to last.
But it didn't. And he still remembers that detachment he felt all week afterward, the feeling that he was right all along and really had to be a masochist to set himself up like that so easily.]
I think I would fall from the cliff again. It's kind of a bad habit of mine I guess. I think I can handle things, and most of the time I can. But I guess that time I was just unlucky.
[video | private]mightstealyrcarJanuary 16 2011, 04:26:44 UTC
I think... I think I'd jump, now.
[He'd like to believe he would, anyway, if the fall was what he wanted. He'd like to believe he wouldn't try to safeguard the pieces on the way down, that he'd make the leap wholeheartedly, and take whatever it brought him.]
[video | private]topxmagicianJanuary 16 2011, 04:41:17 UTC
...Fran.
[He needs a minute though to think over those words though, that consideration. Knowing what he's getting into, knowing that it will all end badly and he'll have no one to blame but himself...
But that time with the free fall, when nothing else matters...]
Yeah. I think I would, if given that same chance. But I won't have that chance again, and I won't let it happen again. It's kind of funny though, wanting to jump for someone here. Even if we know each other from home, we really don't. There's no guarantee that we're even from the same world. Kind of stupid really, jumping or even falling in a place like this.
[But he had, though it was a one time thing. Fran knows better now and he knows that good things never happen more than once.]
[video | private]mightstealyrcarJanuary 16 2011, 04:55:59 UTC
[That's always a question that's interesting to Matt, and maybe a bit fraught, whether people who seem just like the ones he knew at home are really the same people he knew there. The answer he's arrived at, which isn't all that comfortable, is that they all are, but with different memories.]
How close is close enough? [Quietly, mostly to himself.]
Y'know, most of the people I care about here, I know they're from different worlds than me. If they go home, or I do? I'm totally fucked.
[He thinks about Mello and a room at the inn lighting up with colors, about J saying his real name, about Elfangor saying Did you know? This is how Andalites kiss.]
[video | private]topxmagicianJanuary 16 2011, 05:36:49 UTC
[Fran doesn't answer that first question, feels he can't answer it really. What qualifies as close enough really depends on the person and how they feel about it, different for everyone. So he doesn't bother thinking about it. Master qualified as close enough for him, even with the suspicion he might actually be the one from his world. The others maybe, maybe not. He didn't care to think about those things.
And especially never would have thought that about Hibari. But he knows, it would never happen again. Circumstances are everything after all, and he's fairly sure that first spark was his one bit of good luck amongst the six hundred and sixty six other bad things. He isn't going to hold his breath till the next one.]
Yeah. I guess you're right. But that doesn't mean I'll let it happen again. Once is enough for me. If something gets broken too many times, eventually the pieces won't fit back together any more.
[video | private]topxmagicianJanuary 16 2011, 06:44:48 UTC
[Again, something he has to think over. Fran's gaze drifts away from the device, staring absent mindedly at the water cascading over the rocks. Was anything ever that simple? No matter how many times he's thought about it himself, he's never been able to come up with an answer for anything.]
I don't know. I think I'm still wondering. We never talked about things like that. Stuff happened, and we went along with it. Talking wasn't part of it because that would be admitting things. I get a feeling neither of us felt like admitting anything. We started as a sort of game, and that's pretty much how we had tried to keep things I guess. I didn't know, I didn't question anything.
[video | private]mightstealyrcarJanuary 16 2011, 19:37:59 UTC
[Oh, that's definitely how it feels with Mello, sometimes, when so many of the most important things go unsaid, because saying would make some of them real, and bring others to the surface when maybe they're better buried. It's all right, Matt's used to it, but he's not as sure of his educated guesses as he once was. Too much has happened to both of them.]
Maybe talking wouldn't even help, [he decides out loud.] Maybe it doesn't work for some people.
[He spins his cigarette around between his fingers.]
He's trying not to hide the pieces away anymore.
Oh, it's this guy. Somehow, Matt isn't surprised by the realization. He's not about to offer advice that will almost definitely be unwelcome, but he can say this:] I coulda had a dream a lot like that, not too long ago.
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So the video of his Hitomi flips on to show him sitting on a rock with a waterfall behind him but there's not much light other than faint indigo glow coming somewhere off screen.]
Emotions are kinda complicated, aren't they?
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[He rolls over, briefly out of sight, to snag his cigarettes from the bedside table and light one.]
But we'd miss out on a lot, too.
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[Fran isn't sure himself, doesn't know if whatever he had with Hibari was really necessary. But no matter the confusion, he can't find it in himself to regret it. He probably even knows given the choice, he'd still let himself fall knowing the outcome. He had the first time around after all. He had just been proven right.]
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Oh, hell, no.]
Depends on your priorities, man. But I think never feeling the amazing stuff is kinda the price you pay for never feeling the crappy stuff. You're the one who has to decide if it's worth it.
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But it didn't. And he still remembers that detachment he felt all week afterward, the feeling that he was right all along and really had to be a masochist to set himself up like that so easily.]
I think I would fall from the cliff again. It's kind of a bad habit of mine I guess. I think I can handle things, and most of the time I can. But I guess that time I was just unlucky.
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[He'd like to believe he would, anyway, if the fall was what he wanted. He'd like to believe he wouldn't try to safeguard the pieces on the way down, that he'd make the leap wholeheartedly, and take whatever it brought him.]
But for most of my life, I wouldn't have.
Hey, I'm Matt. I dunno if I've told you that yet.
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[He needs a minute though to think over those words though, that consideration. Knowing what he's getting into, knowing that it will all end badly and he'll have no one to blame but himself...
But that time with the free fall, when nothing else matters...]
Yeah. I think I would, if given that same chance. But I won't have that chance again, and I won't let it happen again. It's kind of funny though, wanting to jump for someone here. Even if we know each other from home, we really don't. There's no guarantee that we're even from the same world. Kind of stupid really, jumping or even falling in a place like this.
[But he had, though it was a one time thing. Fran knows better now and he knows that good things never happen more than once.]
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How close is close enough? [Quietly, mostly to himself.]
Y'know, most of the people I care about here, I know they're from different worlds than me. If they go home, or I do? I'm totally fucked.
[He thinks about Mello and a room at the inn lighting up with colors, about J saying his real name, about Elfangor saying Did you know? This is how Andalites kiss.]
I'd still rather have known them than not.
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And especially never would have thought that about Hibari. But he knows, it would never happen again. Circumstances are everything after all, and he's fairly sure that first spark was his one bit of good luck amongst the six hundred and sixty six other bad things. He isn't going to hold his breath till the next one.]
Yeah. I guess you're right. But that doesn't mean I'll let it happen again. Once is enough for me. If something gets broken too many times, eventually the pieces won't fit back together any more.
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Yeah. I know.
But that. [He's not quite sure how to articulate this, and falls silent for a moment.]
That doesn't make it wrong to take the chance. I mean. At least you don't have to wonder anymore, right?
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I don't know. I think I'm still wondering. We never talked about things like that. Stuff happened, and we went along with it. Talking wasn't part of it because that would be admitting things. I get a feeling neither of us felt like admitting anything. We started as a sort of game, and that's pretty much how we had tried to keep things I guess. I didn't know, I didn't question anything.
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Maybe talking wouldn't even help, [he decides out loud.] Maybe it doesn't work for some people.
[He spins his cigarette around between his fingers.]
But it sounds like you're questioning things now?
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