[Matt saw the other dream, though he didn't know what to say to it. Doesn't know if there was anything he could have said that wouldn't have been pitifully inadequate.
Through the haze of horror and grief this one sends sweeping over him, there's a thought that's his own: That's why he wanted to know about how people come back here.
He's never had a family, not by blood, but he knows, oh, he knows what it's like to feel the loss of someone as a gaping hole, to feel as if the places they've been wrenched away from will never stop hurting. And as painful as it was, it was only for a little while for Matt. To try to live with someone that important--maybe more, someone who's been a part of you from birth--gone, it's unimaginable. Matt thinks he understands a little better why the man he knows as Fai can seem like all surface cheer.]
I'd be tempted, too, [he says, quietly.] You okay?
[For a moment, Fai is so very, very grateful that Matt - at least - is respecting the sanctity of privacy, despite what the dream has shown him. That his friend isn't asking questions too painful to answer honestly.
So rather than dissemble, Fai merely rubs his fingertips across his brow and nods slowly.]
I will be. This... is a fairly common memory. I'm actually surprised it hasn't shown up before now. Thank you for asking, but... I've carried this a long, long time. I'll be alright.
[He doesn't have to explain to Fai that he knows there can be things too painful to talk about, things for which the best remedy is dulling the sharp edge of memory, and he's glad of that. But he also knows that sometimes you need to process the shit life throws at you out loud.]
[The offer conjures up a small, real smile as Fai shakes his head. Because much as the dream hurts - much as he feels the pain of that day every day - it is simply too intimate of a loss to be able to explain with words.
And besides - explaining would further set himself apart from the name ‘Fai’. It was the first steps in forming personal bonds and for him…they weren’t his to make. If he allowed himself to form attachments to people in this life, well, if they were lucky, they’d end up as his king. If not…
So it wasn’t really selfish, saving himself from such vulnerability, to keep from adding to the blood already dripping sin from him.
A small smile then, because too cheerful and it’d reflect falsely, before he drops his hand to rest lightly on the table.]
Thank you Matt, but it really is alright. I’ve had these memory-dreams far longer than you’ve even been alive, I think.
Re: [Video | Private]mightstealyrcarApril 22 2011, 04:14:18 UTC
[Oh, Fai, you gain points forever for asking about Elfangor.]
He's good! We were dolphins the other day.
[It seems all grown-up and social, to think of going to someone's house for a meal, and it's weird to someone who lived mostly out of chip bags and aluminium cans when he was technically alive.]
You like sake, or would you rather have something else?
That sounds like fun! I just don't think I'd like the feeling of being a different kind of being, but it looks interesting when you two do it. Aside from that, I trust he's eating better now then?
Dolphins are... dude, they're so happy. They just wanna play.
I mean, it can be weird, like, when you feel the instincts of an animal trying to take over. [He rubs at the back of his neck.] The first time I was a tiger, I had to fight to get control. But it's worth it for me. I can't do anything else that's special.
[He guesses he shouldn't be that surprised, but really? That's a weird gap in knowledge.]
They're these ocean mammals, and they're really smart, and they use echolocation to, like, get a mental map of what's around them. [Yes, Matt really liked being a dolphin.] And they're in a good mood all the time. People pay to swim with them and stuff in my world.
Through the haze of horror and grief this one sends sweeping over him, there's a thought that's his own: That's why he wanted to know about how people come back here.
He's never had a family, not by blood, but he knows, oh, he knows what it's like to feel the loss of someone as a gaping hole, to feel as if the places they've been wrenched away from will never stop hurting. And as painful as it was, it was only for a little while for Matt. To try to live with someone that important--maybe more, someone who's been a part of you from birth--gone, it's unimaginable. Matt thinks he understands a little better why the man he knows as Fai can seem like all surface cheer.]
I'd be tempted, too, [he says, quietly.] You okay?
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So rather than dissemble, Fai merely rubs his fingertips across his brow and nods slowly.]
I will be. This... is a fairly common memory. I'm actually surprised it hasn't shown up before now. Thank you for asking, but... I've carried this a long, long time. I'll be alright.
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[He doesn't have to explain to Fai that he knows there can be things too painful to talk about, things for which the best remedy is dulling the sharp edge of memory, and he's glad of that. But he also knows that sometimes you need to process the shit life throws at you out loud.]
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And besides - explaining would further set himself apart from the name ‘Fai’. It was the first steps in forming personal bonds and for him…they weren’t his to make. If he allowed himself to form attachments to people in this life, well, if they were lucky, they’d end up as his king. If not…
So it wasn’t really selfish, saving himself from such vulnerability, to keep from adding to the blood already dripping sin from him.
A small smile then, because too cheerful and it’d reflect falsely, before he drops his hand to rest lightly on the table.]
Thank you Matt, but it really is alright. I’ve had these memory-dreams far longer than you’ve even been alive, I think.
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Heh, I forget. You can legitimately call me 'kid,' huh? I've gotta be twenty by now.
[His smile gets bigger for a moment, because he knows, relatively speaking, this probably still counts as crazy young.]
I just wish I could help somehow. I kinda feel like I owe you, for what you did for Elfangor.
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[A pause then as he traces the handle of his cup with a finger, a curious look sliding into his eyes.]
Speaking of! How's he been? You'll have to bring Elfangor out to my place sometime. I can make you two a lovely dinner.
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He's good! We were dolphins the other day.
[It seems all grown-up and social, to think of going to someone's house for a meal, and it's weird to someone who lived mostly out of chip bags and aluminium cans when he was technically alive.]
You like sake, or would you rather have something else?
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[A quicksilver laugh then a nod.]
That sounds like fun! I just don't think I'd like the feeling of being a different kind of being, but it looks interesting when you two do it. Aside from that, I trust he's eating better now then?
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Dolphins are... dude, they're so happy. They just wanna play.
I mean, it can be weird, like, when you feel the instincts of an animal trying to take over. [He rubs at the back of his neck.] The first time I was a tiger, I had to fight to get control. But it's worth it for me. I can't do anything else that's special.
And yeah, he's doing better with food.
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That's even better to hear then.
[A beat.]
Um Matt?
[...and an almost embarrassed smile before...]
...What's a dolphin?
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[He guesses he shouldn't be that surprised, but really? That's a weird gap in knowledge.]
They're these ocean mammals, and they're really smart, and they use echolocation to, like, get a mental map of what's around them. [Yes, Matt really liked being a dolphin.] And they're in a good mood all the time. People pay to swim with them and stuff in my world.
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Do they, um, have healing magic or something?
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They're not, like, actually magic, but I think their whole Zen attitude kinda rubs off on people.
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[A pause and a laugh.]
I'll have to see sometime, but for now I need to get to the market. I'll catcha later, okay?
[Best to go now, before Matt goes back to the reason for calling - though he doesn't quite think that's a concern. Matt's pretty sharp, after all.]
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Yeah, okay. Take care.
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