text; privatesternitfortemOctober 24 2011, 02:48:04 UTC
[ " That's not what you meant. That's not what you want. "
( And Juudai can remember a moonless starless sunless sky stretching above his head, Manjoume's voice ringing in his ears, the last echoes of it fading because he's gone, gone, gone - not his fault but his attack, his cards, his action, his mission, his friend, his idiot tendency to leap before looking, and Manjoume has exploded into dust and nothing and he's not coming back. And it was his fault. Juudai's fault. )
That's not what you meant. That's not what you want.
But it's what happened.
These are the things that happen. ]
i assume he was a criminal
since you said you kill criminals
[ Passive aggression? From Juudai? Don't be silly. ]
Re: text; privatered_handed_jayOctober 24 2011, 03:10:23 UTC
[Jason stares at the hitomi at the accusing words just glaring back at him. And it's from Juudai, and Jason flashes back to another time, after another nightmare when Juudai had said that he was his friend. ]
[But Jason had burned that bridge hadn't he? That's all fucking gone. And he tells himself that it doesn't hurt, that the heavy aching agony in his chest is just from that fucking dream.]
[He glares at the text, and then just snarls at his fingers, and he'll fucking force them to work, he wont show fucking Juudai that he's at all affected.]
hta'ts differen't. Nto real.
[It takes him five tries to get it that coherent, and that's as good as it'll fucking get, because he can't just fucking ignore Juudai's challenge]
text; privatesternitfortemOctober 24 2011, 03:28:49 UTC
oh good. i'm glad to hear it.
[ Juudai shouldn't. He shouldn't. Jason is hurting. He can't even type.
But Juudai keeps hearing, "Maybe this time you won't kill them," over and over in his head, and even though it was a week ago, it still burns raw in his throat to think on that conversation. He'd though Jason would understand. Or at least try. They've both felt this pain, this hurt.
But maybe Jason doesn't know how to understand other people. ]
i figured it probably didn't happen
i mean, you seem to know your way around a gun
i assume they have warning labels on the box somewhere about not sticking it in someone's mouth if you don't want them to get shot
Re: voice; privatered_handed_jayOctober 24 2011, 03:47:23 UTC
[Fuck this texting shit. Jason manages to get it switched to voice for him, and growls back, but his voice is shaky at the edges, brittle.]
You don't even know what any of this about. You don't know what this means, you don't know who he is.
[His words sound almost whiny to his own ears, like a teen screaming at their mother that they just don't understand. It makes him feel childish and the defensive anger starts to bubble up, barely starting to replace the heavy layer of disquiet the dream had left behind.]
Re: Voice; privatered_handed_jayOctober 24 2011, 04:10:12 UTC
[Yeah, and fuck you Juudai. Jason's not texting.]
You want to know? Fine. He's my fucking teacher who raised me, taught me everything I know. He's the one that refused to avenge me, who instead replaced me.
Re: voice; private [2/2]red_handed_jayOctober 24 2011, 23:51:01 UTC
[Jason stares at the words, and it's like a literal white-out. He can't even think, the words just cutting so deep, right to his core, right to the center of his being.]
[Something that hurts this much has to be real..]
[His voice comes out shaky as his hands were earlier, barely a whisper now. Defeated.]
Re: voice; privatered_handed_jayOctober 25 2011, 03:15:51 UTC
[Still just a whisper.]
They wouldn't let me stay there.
[No, they had to drag him out, take him out because they weren't done with him. They pulled him back into the land of the living, forced him out there again, and expected him to be the same. Their little wind up solider, ready to fight as if nothing was amiss.]
[There's a long, long pause, then a harsh sound, maybe a cough, maybe a sob.]
{ Yubel does not quite understand Jason at this moment. It seems self-evident. He is alive, therefore he Is. He Is, therefore he Does. What he Does is to fight evil-doers. Thus, a Hero. Yubel was once a young boy; and was then a spirit; and was then Broken, torn into pieces and pulled back together by nothing but her own will and love; and is now Whole. Yubel has been many different things, but has never not been Yubel. }
[ Juudai, on the other hand, can't help but feel for Jason right now. That sound - he's hurt. He's in pain. Juudai can't pull away right now - it's his fault, he started it, him and his stupid pride - but he doesn't know what to say, either. He shouldn't have... But he did. So he'll just keep quiet and transcribe Yubel's words. He doesn't have any of his own to offer. ]
Re: text; privatered_handed_jayOctober 25 2011, 14:01:21 UTC
[There's a long, long silence, but Jason's still there, his breathing harsh, audible. Finally when the words come they're flat and just as harsh as the breaths, but there's the brittleness to their edges, the hairline cracks running through everything.]
No, I'm not. I tried to think I was in the beginning and that was my comfort. But I’m not a hero. [His voice hardens.] And that doesn’t matter. That isn’t important. The only thing I need is to know I’m making a difference, that I’m improving my city. [And he knows he is. He has to be. He has to.] Doing what heroes refuse to get their hands dirty with.
[ They both hear it in Jason's voice - that question, that ache. Am I doing right? Am I doing Good? Juudai has found himself asking that question more and more, and it never gets any easier. The answers never want to come, and they never come without a price. ]
Re: text; privatered_handed_jayOctober 27 2011, 17:54:24 UTC
[There's silence for a long, long time, barely broken up by the sounds of a couple hard, shaky breaths. The sound stretches out for a moment, the breaths coming faster, sounds coming out choked, strangled. Then Jason isn't even trying to hide it anymore, not even trying to hide the fact that he's sobbing. He wants to believe Yubel's words so badly, so fucking badly, that it hurt. It was right there, honed in on the doubt that plagued him, the fact that maybe he wasn't doing the right thing. Maybe he really was as crazy as they all said he was, that all of this blood on his hands was for nothing, the sacrifice meaningless.]
I- [His voice rasping now, shaking and jerking between his sobs.] God, I don't know anymore.
That's not what you want. "
( And Juudai can remember a moonless starless sunless sky stretching above his head, Manjoume's voice ringing in his ears, the last echoes of it fading because he's gone, gone, gone - not his fault but his attack, his cards, his action, his mission, his friend, his idiot tendency to leap before looking, and Manjoume has exploded into dust and nothing and he's not coming back. And it was his fault. Juudai's fault. )
That's not what you meant. That's not what you want.
But it's what happened.
These are the things that happen. ]
i assume he was a criminal
since you said you kill criminals
[ Passive aggression? From Juudai? Don't be silly. ]
Reply
[But Jason had burned that bridge hadn't he? That's all fucking gone. And he tells himself that it doesn't hurt, that the heavy aching agony in his chest is just from that fucking dream.]
[He glares at the text, and then just snarls at his fingers, and he'll fucking force them to work, he wont show fucking Juudai that he's at all affected.]
hta'ts differen't. Nto real.
[It takes him five tries to get it that coherent, and that's as good as it'll fucking get, because he can't just fucking ignore Juudai's challenge]
Reply
[ Juudai shouldn't. He shouldn't. Jason is hurting. He can't even type.
But Juudai keeps hearing, "Maybe this time you won't kill them," over and over in his head, and even though it was a week ago, it still burns raw in his throat to think on that conversation. He'd though Jason would understand. Or at least try. They've both felt this pain, this hurt.
But maybe Jason doesn't know how to understand other people. ]
i figured it probably didn't happen
i mean, you seem to know your way around a gun
i assume they have warning labels on the box somewhere about not sticking it in someone's mouth if you don't want them to get shot
Reply
You don't even know what any of this about. You don't know what this means, you don't know who he is.
[His words sound almost whiny to his own ears, like a teen screaming at their mother that they just don't understand. It makes him feel childish and the defensive anger starts to bubble up, barely starting to replace the heavy layer of disquiet the dream had left behind.]
Reply
you're right, i don't
so who is he
i mean, i don't know about you, but i like to know a little more about a guy's history before i tell him he needs to stop clinging to the past
Reply
You want to know? Fine. He's my fucking teacher who raised me, taught me everything I know. He's the one that refused to avenge me, who instead replaced me.
Happy now?
Reply
That helped.
[ See what happens when you use your words, Jason? ]
Reply
yubel would like me to relay a message:
' ｐａｉｎ ａｎｄ ｌｏｖｅ ａｒｅ ｏｎｅ ａｎｄ ｔｈｅ ｓａｍｅ ｔｈｉｎｇ， Ｊａｓｏｎ Ｔｏｄｄ． '
Reply
[Something that hurts this much has to be real..]
[His voice comes out shaky as his hands were earlier, barely a whisper now. Defeated.]
I know.
Reply
ｊｕｕｄａｉ ａｎｄ ｉ ｈａｖｅ ｅｎｄｕｒｅｄ ｓｕｆｆｅｒｉｎｇ ｔｏｇｅｔｈｅｒ， ｈｅ ａｎｄ ｉ． ｉｔ ｉｓ ｈｏｗ ｗｅ ｈａｖｅ ｐｒｏｖｅｎ ｏｕｒ ｇｒｅａｔ ｌｏｖｅ．
ｉ ｄｉｄ ｎｏｔ ｋｎｏｗ ｙｏｕｒ ｍｅｎｔｏｒ ｂｕｔ ｉ ｃａｎ ｔｅｌｌ ｙｏｕ ｔｈｉｓ， Ｊａｓｏｎ Ｔｏｄｄ：
ｔｏ ｒｅｐｌａｃｅ ｓｏｍｅｏｎｅ ｉｓ ｔｏ ｓｕｆｆｅｒ ｇｒｅａｔｌｙ ａｎｄ ｄｅｅｐｌｙ ｆｒｏｍ ｔｈｅｉｒ ｌｏｓｓ． ｉｔ ｉｓ ｔｏ ｃｒｅａｔｅ ａ ｌａｓｔｉｎｇ ｗｏｕｎｄ， ｉｌｌ-ｂｏｕｎｄ ａｎｄ ｉｌｌ-ｈｅａｌｅｄ． ｔｏ ａｖｅｎｇｅ ｓｏｍｅｏｎｅ ｉｓ ｔｏ ｂｕｒｙ ｔｈｅｍ ｄｅｅｐ ｗｉｔｈｉｎ ｔｈｅ ｅａｒｔｈ．
ｂｕｔ ｙｏｕ， Ｊａｓｏｎ Ｔｏｄｄ， ａｒｅ ｎｏｔ ａ ｍａｎ ｗｈｏ ｓｔａｙｅｄ ｉｎ ｔｈｅ ｅａｒｔｈ ｗｈｅｎ ｔｈｅｙ ｂｕｒｉｅｄ ｙｏｕ．'
Reply
They wouldn't let me stay there.
[No, they had to drag him out, take him out because they weren't done with him. They pulled him back into the land of the living, forced him out there again, and expected him to be the same. Their little wind up solider, ready to fight as if nothing was amiss.]
[There's a long, long pause, then a harsh sound, maybe a cough, maybe a sob.]
Reply
{ Yubel does not quite understand Jason at this moment. It seems self-evident. He is alive, therefore he Is. He Is, therefore he Does. What he Does is to fight evil-doers. Thus, a Hero. Yubel was once a young boy; and was then a spirit; and was then Broken, torn into pieces and pulled back together by nothing but her own will and love; and is now Whole. Yubel has been many different things, but has never not been Yubel. }
[ Juudai, on the other hand, can't help but feel for Jason right now. That sound - he's hurt. He's in pain. Juudai can't pull away right now - it's his fault, he started it, him and his stupid pride - but he doesn't know what to say, either. He shouldn't have... But he did. So he'll just keep quiet and transcribe Yubel's words. He doesn't have any of his own to offer. ]
Reply
No, I'm not. I tried to think I was in the beginning and that was my comfort. But I’m not a hero. [His voice hardens.] And that doesn’t matter. That isn’t important. The only thing I need is to know I’m making a difference, that I’m improving my city. [And he knows he is. He has to be. He has to.] Doing what heroes refuse to get their hands dirty with.
And that's enough.
Reply
[ They both hear it in Jason's voice - that question, that ache. Am I doing right? Am I doing Good? Juudai has found himself asking that question more and more, and it never gets any easier. The answers never want to come, and they never come without a price. ]
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I- [His voice rasping now, shaking and jerking between his sobs.] God, I don't know anymore.
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He wasn't supposed to do this. To open up, to break down. Juudai didn't want to really hit him like this. He'd expected resistance. Not - this.
(Not hearing what Juudai fears at the back of his mind every night and every waking day.) ]
i
i'm sorry, jason. i wish i knew, too.
i really
i'm sorry.
Reply
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