[dream 09/video post] songs of yesterday now live [week 10, day 1]
The last thing you remember, looking out of the back window of the all-terrain vehicle, is Suzaku growing smaller against the bomb-torn plain where the rest of the refugees huddled, awaiting the next convoy. This is when you were ten years old, and the phrase I'm going to destroy Britannia had only passed your lips for the first time, an idea so radical and new it's still burning in your throat slightly, like the aftertaste of a hot beverage drunk too quickly. Only Suzaku had heard you say it, but he's the only one who'd needed to. He's the only one you'd meant to hear it. For now.
It's an idea that burns so bright and hot that you can't meet the eyes of the Ashford family elders when they greet you and Nunnally at the rendezvous and huddle the both of you into their own car. As if they might see it flaring there in huge letters if you look them in the eye, I WILL DESTROY BRITANNIA writ large and incriminating at the forefront of your mind. Instead, you focus on the image of Suzaku growing smaller in the wake of the Jeeps and trucks until he is gone, swallowed up by the aftermath of a war that your presence was supposed to prevent.
I still can't believe they invaded, after all that show of sending political hostages, one man had said to someone else back at the rendezvous point. What was the point at all? You'd bitten your lip and ducked your head. You should have known better. Fath- that is - Charles himself had said it, right to your face. You mean nothing to me because you have never existed. You have been dead since the day you were born.
I hope Suzaku will be safe, Nunnally whispers to you, and you squeeze her hand for comfort. He'll pull through. He's tough, you whisper back. It's going to be okay.
The Ashfords are a noble family that once backed your mother's ascension from a commoner to an honorary noble. Though they've lost political power since her death, they've still agreed to take Lelouch and Nunnally in, in the wake of the war.
[ There should be more memory here, but the dream glides over most of this day's events like water - ] You are now inside, wheeling Nunnally's chair, leaning close to the walls so she can reach out and touch them and memorize as much of the layout of the house as possible. One of the adults greets the two of you and motions for you to speak with her privately. We've been discussing, she says. Soon, we'll have to enroll the two of you in school. You are not yet sure how you feel about this, but she continues - We think, well, there are some things that should be taken care of - you see - You're going to have to help us a little here.
You nod, unsure.
She tells you, You're going to need a new name now, so we want you and Nunnally to -
You don't hear much after that, as you have begun backing up, shaking your head. There's a quiet roaring in your ears.
No, you say, firmly. No.
It's unlike you to behave like this, and the older woman blinks as if struck. You're shaking your head. Your name? No. Non-negotiable. There's no reason. Why would you need to change your name? What? That's absurd. You, who didn't cry when you were summarily disinherited, when you were sent to Japan, when the gunships swarmed like cicadas buzzing in the distance, when the bombs came down - you who have not cried since your mother was found dead and full of bullets on the stairs almost a year ago, your eyes are burning for no reason now, because this is a conversation that makes no sense.
You must, she explains patiently. You know that the Ashford family wouldn't have been able to shelter you like this if you hadn't been declared missing, presumed dead - I know they explained it to you - so -
I'm not dead, you force out through gritted teeth past the hot lump in your throat. I'm not dead! The vehemency with which you snarl this shocks her into silence. You remember saying this to Suzaku once, and his perfectly innocent response of, Well, yeah, you're alive because you're living. Are you? Is this? The full weight of the future has not fallen on you just yet because up until now your only concern has been keeping Nunnally and yourself alive. Now, now - you realize - what that means. To still be alive. It means you are going to be in hiding for the rest of your life. It means that if you and Nunnally are ever found, you'll be sent back to the homeland to start this farce all over again, the bribery and intrigue and backstabbing and no one caring if you live or die. It means -
dead -
you're presumed dead -
( you have been dead since the day you were born )
you're not dead, you want to scream, you want to shout, I am here! I exist! Your name. They're going to take your name away. Your last proof of existence, of being. Lelouch vi Britannia is dead. He died in the bombing. So who are you?
Who are you?
A sudden pressure on your hand jolts you back to reality. Nunnally squeezes your hand gently. Lelouch, she whispers. It's going to be okay. Right?
A breath escapes you that you hadn't realized you were holding. Right, you choke out, mopping your eyes furiously with the other hand. We'll be okay.
It doesn't matter. For Nunnally, you remind yourself, you would give anything. Anything at all. Even your name. Even your life.
[ The Hitomi gazes blankly at the sky for at least a full minute. The video then shifts until a face fills the screen - a perhaps familiar face to longtime residents of Kannagara. Delicate features, a mess of brown hair, light skin, and eyes an almost unnatural shade of amethyst mark this as the heretofore missing Lelouch vi Britannia, also known as Lelouch Lamperouge, also known as Zero.
He looks older now - older by a full year and half a war. Not much has physically changed save a new thinness in his cheeks, maybe some more bags under his eyes, but there’s a darkness in his stare that was not quite so present the last time he’d been here.
This is someone who has been unmade, remade, killed and resurrected so many times he has lost track.
Upon realizing what the device is that he’s holding, and suddenly recognizing the landscape, he groans softly. ]
This place again...