[Dream: Week 11, day 5, late morning] I wanna be myself again but I just can't
You're floating, that's the first thing that registers in your mind. Floating, and it's fleeting, moving, switching from one place to another, and in some strange way that works. Because while you know that you're not really anywhere, just floating, you're somewhere too. Somewhere and nowhere at the same time, and the somewhere is constantly switching.
You don't belong anywhere.
But that, that is nothing new to you.
But actually, on second thought, you do belong somewhere. You have a family, of sorts. Bookman is important to you; he raised you, took care of you, taught you everything you need to reach the goal that you long for so much. But he's not the only one who is a part of your family. When did it grow? You're not sure.
There are several; Allen, Lenalee, Doug, Krory, Miranda, Komui... But none of them can ever be Bookman. Bookman is support, a pillar, a reassurance, someone who knows and who can push you back when you slip. No one else knows and no one else can, because everyone else are too different, they care in the wrong way. You don't want them to worry about you and ask you how you're doing because it hurts you, somehow, even while it comforts you too. But it's not what you need.
The problem is that Bookman isn't here. You're all alone as everything crashes around you in this new world where too little makes sense and too much is happening all at once. Where you have nothing to guide you along.
Kannagara.
You know you're there, right now, because there's only you in this world of confusion while everyone else aren't fit to help. And the one person you felt you could rely on--
He betrayed you.
The one person you thought would always be the same and never change, not like anyone else, no matter what--
He changed.
The one person who you took as your new support, your new pillar, without Bookman here--
He's not here, either, anymore.
Blood splurts, hits your cheeks, nose, face, eyes (you're not wearing your eye-patch right now), and although you can't see it clearly, you know what it is. Though you do see hair, purple hair, flying, and although it's not his usual hair you know it's him because you saw it in a dream.
Yu, stabbing Allen through the gut and bringing out the 14th, or Nea as his name apparently is.
That image is for a second clear in front of you, but then there is nothing again, just you all on your own trying to find something to hold onto, something for your feet to stand on. Everything his hurting, throbbing, your heart is beating, and you can't see. Through the mist. Fumbling, stumbling, tripping.
Falling.
"You are a Bookman. You have no need for a heart," an old man's voice says.
Bookman's voice.
"Let's be friendly and frivilous like always," slips past your lips.
"Don't be taken in by the war. We are only on the Order's side 'by chance'," says Bookman's voice.
"I thought I was different from them," you mutter.
"You choose to fight for these temporary friends?! Humans create nothing but war!" comes a shrill voice, from a younger you.
"Are we not your friends?"
It's Yu who says it, his expression twisted and wrong, but not mad. The question would be out of place, it is but yet isn't because you know where it comes from (Black Order's tunnel in a world that isn't your own and battling yourself when you should be battling your enemies). It really should be "am I not your friend?" because it's you who Yu feels have betrayed him.
You know he would never say such a thing, and yet it hurts all the same. Because that's a question you're not ready to answer right now.
And yet the answer slips out with such ease.
"So I thought," is the answer, spoken with coldness and yet it is pained, you are pained.
You really did think so. You still do, but it slips out because you're angry and hurt and want to anger and hurt. Want to punch and be punched, want to kill and. Be killed?
"And I am going to make you laugh too," echoes a little kid's voice in your head, for whatever reason.
To cheer you up, maybe, somehow.
But how can you laugh? It feels so stupid, because you know that's possible, because it's really not that hard right now, not so that you can't laugh. But you still have to wonder, can't help but wonder.
"But you didn't exactly live up to that, did you?" you ask, dryly.
Anger flashes in Yu's eyes, and in a situation that drips with deja-vu he lurches forward and buries his katana in your gut. The funny thing is, you don't even feel pain, even as he twists it and blood drips down your chin and you cough because blood is filling your throat with speed that somewhat catches you off-guard. And still, you smile because isn't this ironic? He does the same he did to Allen, and to you, together with Lenalee and Krory, all that time ago when Road was messing around with your mind. So very ironic.
And you laugh, and isn't that ironic too? Because you just asked if you even could. It may be as dry as your question but a laugh is a laugh. And you didn't think Yu would make you laugh any time soon.
You stumble forward and fall against Yu, because a pillar is there, and the movement pushes the katana in deeper but as long as it keeps Yu there you don't care about that. It doesn't hurt, after all. And you shake and grip his shirt, just to ensure that he stays, and because it steadies you a little bit more in the mist and the floating.
"You suck, Yu," you say and laugh some more, not so dryly this time. "I should hate you, shouldn't I? But I can't. You make everything so hard with how simply your brain works. Funny how the thing that makes it easy t'be 'round you's what makes it hard too."
"It's you who make it hard," Yu insists.
No.
You pull away from the katana, blood spills into the endless void below you, and you shake your head while you glare at him and his glare right back.
"Not this time," you say angrily, because it really isn't you this time like maybe it was before even though you're not so sure about that either. "This time it's you."
This time it's Yu who makes it so difficult by being so stubborn and refusing to sway from his fucking stupid beliefs that don't make sense, and you're not going to waver from that opinion.
And then Yu's gone, with one last mad glare and snarl, and the wound hurts now and you cough up blood and you're.
Falling.
[Oh. When did he fall asleep?
Lavi blinks slowly and pushes himself up, having fallen asleep leaning against the wall on the outside of Allen and Lenalee's house and then slid down until he was lying on the ground. The not so comfy ground. Not that that's a big problem because he can sleep everywhere anyway.
He rubs his eye and stretches; couldn't really have slept for long. He should try and sleep more, though, shouldn't he?
Taking a quick look at the Hitomi, he notices that it's on.
...damn, did it broadcast that?
He pouts a bit as he scowls, and cuts the feed off.]
You don't belong anywhere.
But that, that is nothing new to you.
But actually, on second thought, you do belong somewhere. You have a family, of sorts. Bookman is important to you; he raised you, took care of you, taught you everything you need to reach the goal that you long for so much. But he's not the only one who is a part of your family. When did it grow? You're not sure.
There are several; Allen, Lenalee, Doug, Krory, Miranda, Komui... But none of them can ever be Bookman. Bookman is support, a pillar, a reassurance, someone who knows and who can push you back when you slip. No one else knows and no one else can, because everyone else are too different, they care in the wrong way. You don't want them to worry about you and ask you how you're doing because it hurts you, somehow, even while it comforts you too. But it's not what you need.
The problem is that Bookman isn't here. You're all alone as everything crashes around you in this new world where too little makes sense and too much is happening all at once. Where you have nothing to guide you along.
Kannagara.
You know you're there, right now, because there's only you in this world of confusion while everyone else aren't fit to help. And the one person you felt you could rely on--
He betrayed you.
The one person you thought would always be the same and never change, not like anyone else, no matter what--
He changed.
The one person who you took as your new support, your new pillar, without Bookman here--
He's not here, either, anymore.
Blood splurts, hits your cheeks, nose, face, eyes (you're not wearing your eye-patch right now), and although you can't see it clearly, you know what it is. Though you do see hair, purple hair, flying, and although it's not his usual hair you know it's him because you saw it in a dream.
Yu, stabbing Allen through the gut and bringing out the 14th, or Nea as his name apparently is.
That image is for a second clear in front of you, but then there is nothing again, just you all on your own trying to find something to hold onto, something for your feet to stand on. Everything his hurting, throbbing, your heart is beating, and you can't see. Through the mist. Fumbling, stumbling, tripping.
Falling.
"You are a Bookman. You have no need for a heart," an old man's voice says.
Bookman's voice.
"Let's be friendly and frivilous like always," slips past your lips.
"Don't be taken in by the war. We are only on the Order's side 'by chance'," says Bookman's voice.
"I thought I was different from them," you mutter.
"You choose to fight for these temporary friends?! Humans create nothing but war!" comes a shrill voice, from a younger you.
"Are we not your friends?"
It's Yu who says it, his expression twisted and wrong, but not mad. The question would be out of place, it is but yet isn't because you know where it comes from (Black Order's tunnel in a world that isn't your own and battling yourself when you should be battling your enemies). It really should be "am I not your friend?" because it's you who Yu feels have betrayed him.
You know he would never say such a thing, and yet it hurts all the same. Because that's a question you're not ready to answer right now.
And yet the answer slips out with such ease.
"So I thought," is the answer, spoken with coldness and yet it is pained, you are pained.
You really did think so. You still do, but it slips out because you're angry and hurt and want to anger and hurt. Want to punch and be punched, want to kill and. Be killed?
"And I am going to make you laugh too," echoes a little kid's voice in your head, for whatever reason.
To cheer you up, maybe, somehow.
But how can you laugh? It feels so stupid, because you know that's possible, because it's really not that hard right now, not so that you can't laugh. But you still have to wonder, can't help but wonder.
"But you didn't exactly live up to that, did you?" you ask, dryly.
Anger flashes in Yu's eyes, and in a situation that drips with deja-vu he lurches forward and buries his katana in your gut. The funny thing is, you don't even feel pain, even as he twists it and blood drips down your chin and you cough because blood is filling your throat with speed that somewhat catches you off-guard. And still, you smile because isn't this ironic? He does the same he did to Allen, and to you, together with Lenalee and Krory, all that time ago when Road was messing around with your mind. So very ironic.
And you laugh, and isn't that ironic too? Because you just asked if you even could. It may be as dry as your question but a laugh is a laugh. And you didn't think Yu would make you laugh any time soon.
You stumble forward and fall against Yu, because a pillar is there, and the movement pushes the katana in deeper but as long as it keeps Yu there you don't care about that. It doesn't hurt, after all. And you shake and grip his shirt, just to ensure that he stays, and because it steadies you a little bit more in the mist and the floating.
"You suck, Yu," you say and laugh some more, not so dryly this time. "I should hate you, shouldn't I? But I can't. You make everything so hard with how simply your brain works. Funny how the thing that makes it easy t'be 'round you's what makes it hard too."
"It's you who make it hard," Yu insists.
No.
You pull away from the katana, blood spills into the endless void below you, and you shake your head while you glare at him and his glare right back.
"Not this time," you say angrily, because it really isn't you this time like maybe it was before even though you're not so sure about that either. "This time it's you."
This time it's Yu who makes it so difficult by being so stubborn and refusing to sway from his fucking stupid beliefs that don't make sense, and you're not going to waver from that opinion.
And then Yu's gone, with one last mad glare and snarl, and the wound hurts now and you cough up blood and you're.
Falling.
[Oh. When did he fall asleep?
Lavi blinks slowly and pushes himself up, having fallen asleep leaning against the wall on the outside of Allen and Lenalee's house and then slid down until he was lying on the ground. The not so comfy ground. Not that that's a big problem because he can sleep everywhere anyway.
He rubs his eye and stretches; couldn't really have slept for long. He should try and sleep more, though, shouldn't he?
Taking a quick look at the Hitomi, he notices that it's on.
...damn, did it broadcast that?
He pouts a bit as he scowls, and cuts the feed off.]