Sanctuary (Part 6 of 7)

[kappamaki33]

Return to Chapter 5




Between grief and nothing I will take grief.
-The Wild Palms

“This can’t happen to me!” Livia wailed. Felix handed her another handkerchief.

Early clients were probably already arriving in the front parlor, but Livia, Felix, Rhea, Sora, Harris, and Rosie huddled in a circle in Rosie’s private drawing room in back.

“Are you sure you took the test right?” Sora asked.

“Yes!” Livia snapped. “I took the godsdamned thing twice, and it was the same both times. How do you frak up peeing on a frakking stick anyway?”

“It doesn’t make sense,” Rhea said. “I know you’re careful about always taking the pill.”

“Exactly,” Livia said. “I didn’t even think it was a possibility until I started throwing up all the time, and then my pants didn’t fit. I took the pills all the time so I wouldn’t have periods anyway. Oh gods, this can’t be happening.”

Felix had held his tongue until now, realizing that it wouldn’t do anyone any good if he was right. “Liv, do you have any of your pills with you?”

Livia sniffed and looked at Felix in confusion before digging in her robe pocket. She dropped a green tablet into Felix’s open palm. Felix looked at it closely.

“Have your birth control pills always looked like this one, or have they had any markings on them in the past?”

“They’ve always been green,” Livia said haltingly.

Felix sighed. “I can’t tell for sure without lab equipment, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re passing off sugar pills and run-of-the-mill painkillers as birth control pills on the black market by now. It’s not like there’s a real Food and Drug Ministry to regulate medicine anymore. Who knows what’s in the pills you take, or the antibiotics we’ve all taken at one time or another.”

Nobody questioned Felix’s odd mention of lab equipment. Harris nodded in agreement, and all the others looked too shocked by his assessment to process anything else.

“What should we do about it?” Rosie asked, turning to Felix. Everyone in the circle looked to him for the answer.

Felix was tempted to turn to Harris himself and let the medic-turned-bouncer give them the bad news, but he cleared his throat and said, “The best we can do is buy pills in sealed packages whenever we can, though that can be faked, too. Maybe try to buy stuff that looks like it’s been stolen from Galactica, since that’s the most likely to be genuine. Condoms would be better, but they’re probably all expired by now.”

“I know that’s important and all, and I’m really not trying to be a self-centered bitch, but what the frak am I going to do?” Livia said, tearing up all over again.

“Now don’t you worry, honey,” Rosie reassured, reaching across to pat Livia’s arm. “You know I’d never throw out one of my kids when she’s in need. We’ll all chip in, and we’ll make sure you and the baby are well taken care of ‘til you can be back at work again.”

Livia looked like she was going to vomit yet again, but she didn’t. “But I don’t want my baby knowing…my gods, I don’t even have a clue who the father could be.”

Felix took Livia’s hand, then took a deep breath. “Would it help if you had someone you could tell the child was their father, when they’re old enough to wonder? I mean, I’m sure we’ll all help out with raising him or her, but if you want somebody to take on that name, I guess…I would do that, if you want.”

“You’re offering to be the father? Thank you, Hylas. That’s sweet,” Livia said in a tone that Felix knew meant she had no intention of taking him up on the offer.

“Me, too, or-well, you know what I mean,” Harris offered.

“Thank you so much,” Livia said as she turned away from Felix. The genuineness of the smile she bestowed on Harris filled Felix with far more shame than he’d ever felt living in the Rising Sun.

“But I can’t have this baby,” Livia continued. “Even if I were the richest woman in the Fleet, what kind of life would this be for a kid? Besides, I can’t be a mom. Not like this. And even just thinking about some of those men, that one could be…no. I can’t. I want it out. I can’t.”

Livia started sobbing again. Rosie set her jaw and hefted herself up. “All right, then. Break open your piggy banks, kids. Now that they’re not legal, abortions are even more expensive.”

“But they’re illegal,” Sora repeated.

Rhea rolled her eyes. “Sora, prostitutes are pretty much the only ones on the Prometheus who actually make money legally. Something being illegal is more of a hassle than anything.”

“But what if she gets caught?”

“Anybody who crosses one of my kids can go to hell, and I’ll help ‘em on their way,” Rosie grumbled in full mama-bear mode. “That goes for everybody from the Prometheus’s janitor to the captain to the President herself. Where does that schoolteacher get off, thinking she knows anything about our lives? That’s why I voted for Baltar.” Rosie looked directly at Felix as she said the last part. That made Felix distinctly uncomfortable, but he had no choice but to write it off as a coincidence.

“You won’t get caught, anyway,” Rhea reassured Livia. “Galactica pulled something like half the security forces on the civvie ships to cover their asses after that mutiny. Everybody that’s left is just trying to keep the ration lines from turning into riots.”

“I know a guy, back from when I was a medic,” Harris finally said. “Not a full-fledged doctor, but he knows what he’s doing-he’s done a lot of these. He knows how to not call the authorities’ attention, too.”

“That settles it,” Rosie said. “Harris, you’ll take Livia to this man tonight, and bring her back to recover here as soon as she’s stable enough to move. No need to waste any more time.”

Among them all, they pooled together a few hundred cubits, which Harris thought would be enough. They all hugged and kissed Livia before Harris flagged down a rickshaw for the two of them and drove off. Felix only took one client that night so he could wait up for Livia with Rosie; he would’ve taken the evening off entirely, but Dillon showed up again, and you did not say ‘no’ to the Guatrau’s men unless you were infected with something that might make their dick fall off. They were still waiting the next morning, when Sora and Rhea joined their vigil, and in the afternoon, when all the others poked their heads in Rosie’s apartment to find out what was going on.

Sora was certain Harris and Livia had both been caught and were rotting on the Astral Queen with the mutineers. Rosie speculated that they’d run off with all that money to start a new life together on another ship. Rhea figured Livia had died during the procedure, and that frak Harris didn’t have the guts to show his face after the quack he’d recommended hashed it up. Felix merely realized with great sadness that Rosie and Rhea were the only people still around who’d been there the day he’d arrived at the Rising Sun, and wondered whether he’d ever find out if the law had increased or decreased the population by one soul in Livia’s case.

~~**~~**~~

Lee let his head fall back against the headboard when Felix stilled.

The sex had been…good, Lee supposed. On a technical level, it had been great-probably the best sex he’d ever had with a man, though the last time he’d done that was back in college. But Lee didn’t come to the Rising Sun for the sex. It was a cliché, but it was true. He came for the connection afterwards, and the assurance that his partner wouldn’t slink out of the room without a word. The fact that he purchased rather than earned that assurance cheapened it, but not so much that it wasn’t worth it, especially in times like these.

Felix rose off him, but Lee wrapped his arms around Felix’s waist and pulled him back onto his lap. Felix obediently kissed him and ran his hands over his shoulders and back, but there was still something off, a stiffness in the way he held his body against Lee’s. Lee pulled back and looked in Felix’s eyes. He couldn’t see anything wrong in his expression, just mildly amused confusion at being stared at so intently.

I didn’t see anything wrong in Dee’s eyes, either, he thought to himself. Was I even looking?

“My thighs are cramping up,” Felix said, sliding off Lee’s lap. He already had one foot on the floor when Lee caught his arm and pulled him back in bed. Felix smirked. “I never took you for a cuddler.”

“I’m getting my money’s worth,” Lee tried to say lightly, but he hated the way it came out. He tried to coax Felix into rolling onto his side and pressing his back against Lee’s chest, but Felix wriggled out of his grasp. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”

Felix shrugged. “I don’t mind. How about we try this?” He directed Lee to lie on his stomach, then re-positioned himself to massage Lee’s shoulders. “Good?”

“Yeah,” Lee said. “It’s all been good, though I have to admit, a little different from what I’m used to.”

“Is it?” Felix said conversationally. “Rosie was surprised when you chose me downstairs. I know you haven’t been here for some time, but she intimated that you usually chose women.”

Lee winced, and not at Felix digging into a knot just below his shoulder blade. It had been a long time since he’d been to the Rising Sun. Since before Shevon. He’d almost come back during that odd time after Dee had left him and while Kara was far, far away, but he couldn’t bring himself to sit in Rosie’s front parlor and put his hunger and weakness on display, even in front of a sympathetic audience of prostitutes and fellow clients. He’d done all right on his own for a while. Even after Dee’s death and Kara’s withdrawal into…whatever it was she was going through now and wouldn’t talk about, his work had given him a sense of purpose and direction.

Of all things, it was losing the Quorum that had finally defeated him. He hadn’t even liked most of his fellow Quorum members. He would never be able to cleanse the picture of their bullet-riddled bodies splayed on the conference table from his mind, though, no more than they would ever completely eradicate the stench of death from Colonial One.

After the mutiny, he felt like what was left of the world was spiraling out of control, and him with it. Worst of all, there was no one left to cling to for balance. And that was how he’d slunk back into the Rising Sun in desperation and defeat. He’d never felt dirtier in his life than when Rosie had addressed him as “Mister Vice President.”

“Can I ask you something?” Lee said, looking at Felix over his shoulder.

Felix smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Depends on the question. We could make a game of it. You ask me something, then I get to ask you something in return if I answer to your satisfaction.”

“And if you don’t answer to my satisfaction?”

Felix smirked and massaged lower on Lee’s back than he had before. “I’m sure you can come up with some way for me to satisfy you.”

Lee turned around again and rested his head on his arms. More sex was the last thing he was interested in that evening, but he could play along. “Deal. I was surprised that you, uh, took control of things so quickly. I’m not complaining at all. It’s just that usually, a new partner asks what I like.”

Felix laughed. “Are you asking how did I know you liked topping from the bottom? I remembered your taste in women and figured your taste in men wasn’t that different. Is that a sufficient answer, or do I have to give you something else?”

Lee was amazed Felix could come so close to talking about Dee with so little emotion. “Good answer. Your turn.”

“Why did you choose me?”

Lee sighed. “Because I hoped you would understand.”

“Understand what?”

Lee certainly couldn’t talk about Dee that casually, regardless of how Felix felt, so he started in on the other thing weighing so heavily on his mind. “I’m in so far over my head. The government and military barely survived a massive coup. The President has a couple months to live at most, and after the Quorum of Twelve briefly became the Quorum of Thirteen with the addition of a Cylon, Zarek made it the Quorum of Two-ouch.”

“Sorry,” Felix muttered, moving his hands to another section of Lee’s back.

“I have something like three months of political experience, and I’m supposed to piece a system of governance back together out of a few thousand scared, tired humans and Cylons, all without stepping on the military’s toes too much. I’m not prepared for this.”

“So you make yourself prepared, and in a hurry. I’d never had a real job outside the military when I became Baltar’s Chief of Staff,” Felix said.

“That’s what I meant when I said I hoped you’d understand. You have to admit, the situations are similar. Roslin hasn’t stepped down, but she’s barely got the strength to do her weekly wireless speeches, let alone reform a government. It’s the same as while Baltar may have been President in name on New Caprica, everybody knew that you and Zarek were holding things together.” A light went on in Lee’s mind. He swiveled around again. “Oh frak, Zarek.”

He was about to ask Felix if he and Zarek had been close, until he saw Felix’s face.

Lee sat up. He had no idea what kind of condolences would be proper. He could hardly say the standard, “He was a good man,” because he’d overseen Zarek’s execution, for frak’s sake. On top of that, what was Felix to him: a long-lost friend and colleague, or a favorite whore? He definitely wouldn’t put the latter past Zarek.

Then Lee remembered he could be honest here, because there were no stakes with Felix. “You know what makes it all even harder? I didn’t entirely disagree with Zarek. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hardly supporting his methods, but he made some valid arguments. We moved very fast on a lot of aspects of the alliance with the Cylons. Maybe we shouldn’t have taken all their promises on faith quite so easily. The people didn’t want the alliance at all, and we ignored that. Sometimes leaders have to ignore that, as much as I hate to sound paternalistic. But maybe this time wasn’t one of those times.”

Lee could feel the tension between them ebb considerably. It seemed like he had said the right thing without even trying, though Felix still wouldn’t look at him. “Playing nice with Cylons is always dangerous,” Felix said quietly. Then he asked, “Did you see Tom before he and Showboat were executed?”

“Yes, I did. He asked to speak to me in lieu of a priest.” Lee smiled to himself. “He preached his political message to me to the very end.”

“Did he ask you to…did he have any message or anything for me?”

“No,” Lee answered. He could tell Felix was trying not to show it, but that was a blow. “I didn’t know you were here until tonight, I swear.”

Any warmth or candor in Felix’s expression drained away again, leaving only a blank, professional mask. “Well, I can lend a sympathetic ear, but I’ve been out of the political game too long to be much else.” He twisted around so he was straddling Lee again. “Besides, there are other things I’ve discovered I’m much better at than politics.”

“Whoa, Felix, slow down.” Felix was already pressed up against him again, kissing his neck as he reached for the lube. Lee pushed him back a little. “What’s going on with you?”

“You’re not interested.”

“I’m asking, aren’t I?”

Felix sighed. “Even though you and Dee haven’t been together for a while now, this still feels like a betrayal. I can live with it if it’s just sex. Sex is my job. But when you try to make this about emotions, I…”

Lee felt like a heel for not having thought of that earlier. Felix may have been exactly who he needed right now, but that hardly meant the feeling was mutual. He never should’ve taken Felix to bed and tried to make him feel like a replacement. He should have taken him out for a drink. If he had, right now, they’d probably be crying in their drinks and telling stories about Dee’s mild but ingenious pranks on Galactica and her ability to instill terror into Pegasus marines twice her size. There was no way to get to that place now, even though as soon as he thought of it, Lee knew that was where they should have been.

“I’m sorry. I never should have-” Lee was about to slide Felix off his lap, but when he took hold of Felix’s hips, he noticed him try to hide a grimace. Suddenly, something about the way Felix had moved all evening clicked in Lee’s mind. Before Felix had a chance to react, Lee twisted him around and laid him out on the bed on his stomach.

“What the frak?” Felix spat.

“What the frak is right,” Lee said. Right at the place where Felix’s back met his ass, a bruise the size of a man’s hand was in full bloom.

Felix said over his shoulder, “It’s nothing. It was an accident.”

“Like hell it’s nothing! I thought this place had rules.”

“It does. Let go of me.” When Lee didn’t move, Felix repeated, “One of those rules is that when I tell you to stop touching me, you stop, or I call security. Let go of me.”

Lee backed off and stood up. Felix got up and started collecting his clothing, always facing Lee.

Lee said, “I’m sorry. That was wrong, but I’m not touching you now. Tell me how that happened, Felix.”

“It really was an accident, though I can tell you don’t believe me.” Felix hitched up his pants, then tossed Lee his underwear. “Yes, this place does have rules. But the Guatrau runs this part of the Prometheus, so she and her people trump the rules. Not that that gives every lowly thug the right to do whatever they want. The Guatrau would throw a fit if she thought anyone was damaging the merchandise.”

“‘Damaging the merchandise’?” Lee repeated in slack-jawed disgust. “I know that the black market is still a part of the economy on this ship, but it can’t be like that. We’ve been keeping the more powerful syndicate players in check.”

“What, because you killed one syndicate boss, you think everybody plays nice now?” Felix laughed bitterly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard Phelan was a real piece of work, even by organized crime standards. None of the other bosses mourned his demise, either. But he was one man-one very bad, very powerful man out of a great many bad and powerful people who have a hell of a lot more influence over the everyday lives of average people than your joke of a government does.”

Felix pulled on his shirt and stared out the window. He said, “There’s one bit of political advice I do still feel qualified to give. Politics isn’t anything like being Top Gun. One good shot may save the day when you’re in the cockpit, but outside of it, here in the real world? It doesn’t mean frak.”

Lee found the rest of his clothes and dressed in silence. He certainly hadn’t come to the Rising Sun looking for a kick in the ass, but he was now fairly certain he’d needed one. Felix had reminded him that it wasn’t enough just to fill the Quorum’s empty seats. Maybe Zarek had known what he was talking about-not about the Cylons, but about needing to re-think everything.

Lee was surprised when Felix spoke up again. “Did you tell Dee about me?”

“No. Like I said, I didn’t know until I walked in here tonight.”

Felix shifted nervously, still not looking at Lee. “I don’t know what your relationship has been like since you split up, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. I’m not going back, and I’m not even sure I’m ready to see her. But…tell her you’ve seen me.”

Oh dear gods, he didn’t know, Lee realized. “Felix-”

“If it’s too awkward for you to tell her how you found me, you can always just say you spotted me in the street. I know it’s a strange thing to ask, but it would mean a lot to me.”

Lee gently took Felix by the shoulders and turned him to face him. “Felix, Dee is dead.”

Felix’s eyes went wide. For a long time, the only thing he could say was “no.” Lee led him over to the bed and sat down beside him.

Finally, Felix said, “That can’t be true. I read Galactica’s casualty list from the mutiny half a dozen times. Her name wasn’t there. It can’t be true.”

“She didn’t die in the mutiny. She committed suicide, about four days before. The news probably got lost in the shuffle of the Cylon alliance and the Hitei Khan, and then the mutiny after that.”

Felix was in shock. “I thought I had time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I should’ve been there for her. She shouldn’t have been so alone that she felt she needed to…”

“Don’t start thinking like that,” Lee said, trying to soften the blow. “Losing the hope of Earth was just too much for her. You couldn’t have changed that. Frak, I was with her less than fifteen minutes before, and she seemed fine, even happy.”

Felix turned. “You were with her right before? Why didn’t you stop her?”

“I didn’t know anything was wrong. She acted so calm and peaceful.”

“You were there! Why didn’t you stop her?” Felix yelled, standing up.

“There was nothing I could do. If I’d suspected, I would’ve-”

“Why didn’t you suspect! She was frakking happy after your precious Starbuck delivered us a nuked-out wasteland instead of a home! How the frak wasn’t that a clue that something was wrong?”

“I’d give anything to be able to go back and change it-”

“No you wouldn’t!” Lee could hear excited murmurs outside the door. He suspected the other prostitutes were trying to decide whether they should interrupt and break up the fight. “How many times was Dee there to pick your fat, sorry, oh-pity-me ass up off the ground, huh? Were you ever there for her? No, because that would require thinking about somebody other than yourself!”

Lee stood up and tried to put his hands on Felix’s arms to calm him down. As soon as he reached out for him, Felix swung wildly. He connected with Lee’s jaw, seemingly almost by accident. His eyes were filled with tears. Lee took a few steps back.

“Get the frak out!” Felix screamed hoarsely. “Get out, and don’t you ever dare come back!”

When he was at the door, Lee said over his shoulder, “I’m sorry.” He closed it just before something hit the other side and shattered.

Lee shut his eyes and pressed his back against the door for a moment. He heard another loud thump, followed by a pitiful, raw wail that made him wince.

When he opened his eyes, Lee met the curious, nervous stares of three women and the bouncer he’d seen at the front door.

“A friend of ours died. I thought he already knew, but he didn’t,” Lee explained with a shrug. They all continued to stare at him, as if he’d answered the wrong unspoken question. He apologized for the disturbance, slid between them, slunk down the stairs, then paid his bill and left as quickly as he could.

As soon as Lee got back to his shuttle, he had the pilot call ahead to his staff on Colonial One to prepare for an emergency meeting. They couldn’t come close to fixing the Fleet in one night, of course, but they were going to have a plan of action by tomorrow morning, no matter what. It was too late for Felix to put his old life back together. It wasn’t too late for the Fleet, though, and Lee was going to be damned if he was going to let go of his chance to make things right.

ON TO CHAPTER 7