Picture Perfect (Part 1 of 4)
Picture Perfect, Part 1 of 4
Picture Perfect
Present Day
Laughter was such an unusual sound in the infirmary.
In a just universe, he wouldn’t have known nearly as much about the infirmary as he did, Louis thought. He’d threaded his way through the cubicles back to the physical therapy area so many times that his feet took him there without him even thinking. He knew Doc Cottle’s smoking schedule. He knew the names of all the nurses, their home colonies, their life stories, their bedside manners, their skill at inserting feeding tubes and finding veins for IVs.
He automatically averted his glance when he passed the President’s cubicle, knowing that the sight of a skeletal woman holding herself up through sheer force of will never changed anyway. He was used to the quiet piano music Captain Thrace played almost constantly by her husband’s bedside, though that, too, was different today, gone-not a good sign.
But hearing Felix laughing in this place overrode all Louis’s habits and routines. He changed direction when he figured out the sound wasn’t coming from the physical therapy area, where he usually met Felix after his sessions so they could walk to the CIC or home together. It mingled with another chuckle he was familiar with-a pilot he heard over the comm. Hotdog, he recognized after another guffaw.
Louis arrived at the cubicle Felix and Hotdog were apparently in, but his plan to simply walk in and greet them changed when he heard a third voice giggling. He stopped. His heart was in his throat. He stood quietly just outside the entrance and watched.
Felix sat on a bed with Nicky Tyrol-Costanza, playing some odd version of peek-a-boo with the bed sheets and a worn stuffed duck. It was hard to tell who was more delighted each time the duck popped up from behind the sheet, Nicky or Felix. Hotdog sat in a chair in the corner, obviously exhausted but smiling and adding his own comments to the game.
Hotdog looked up and saw him. For as much shit as everyone gave Hotdog about being slow, Louis could tell from his expression that he understood instantly. He nodded to Louis but didn’t say anything, so Louis could continue watching in silence.
Louis remembered playing this kind of game. The first time had been a little over twenty years ago now. Yet the memory of the joy in those moments, the joy he could see so clearly on Felix’s face now, was still as sharp as if it had been yesterday.
~~**~~**~~
Through the viewfinder of a camera, you see:
Summer sun and shade from the ash trees’ limbs dapple their faces. They lie lengthwise on the hammock, in opposite directions, her feet even with his shoulders but his only even with her waist. The growth spurt you keep promising him hasn’t hit yet.
Him, nose and cheeks freckled and sunburned from long, lazy days at the public pool, the tip of his tongue sticking out as he concentrates on his handheld videogame. Her, fair hair frizzed from humidity, knees perpetually skinned and scabbed from pyramid practice. She rolls her eyes at you over her magazine when she sees the camera, but she smiles.
You wish the photo could capture the sound of the rustling leaves, the wind chimes behind you, their giggling through their smiles. You hold still for a long time, telling yourself it’s to guard against a lens flare but knowing it’s because you want this moment to last forever.
The shutter clicks, and the moment is both frozen in time and gone in an instant.
Louis heard Felix laughing with Meeker and Linstrum as the bunkroom hatch creaked open. He set the photo face down on his chest and rearranged the pillow so he was half-way sitting up in the rack. He smiled at Felix.
“Hey, you,” Felix said as he bent down to kiss Louis. He still had to hang on to the ladder, but the fact that he could lean over at all without falling was such a huge improvement. Even after all these months, Louis still didn’t take it for granted.
“Amy, can I borrow your yellow dress?” Meeker asked, shimmying out of her duty blues pants, her jacket already hung in her locker. Felix wove between the two women to get to his own locker.
Linstrum grimaced. “My yellow dress? You talk about it like I have more than one dress. Might as well just say ‘my dress.’”
“It’s one dress more than I have. Please? I’ll owe you.”
Linstrum sighed, though Louis knew from living with them for so long that her reluctance was mostly for show. “Fine.”
Felix hung up his jacket, closed his locker, and got out of the way so Meeker could properly do a dance of celebration and pull on the dress.
“Got a hot date tonight?” Felix asked. He sat down on their mattress.
Meeker grinned suggestively, then directed a more sober and guilty look at both of them. “I’ve been meaning to ask you guys about that. Hypothetically, how much trouble do you think an ensign might be in if she dated somebody of a different rank?”
Felix smirked. “Asking the lieutenant married to the acting XO whether fraternizing with a superior officer is okay, huh? Smart plan. You’re even more cunning than I give you credit for, Clara.”
Meeker beamed at the compliment. “But really, the rank thing?”
Louis leaned in to include himself in the conversation. “We are so far past caring about things as minor as fraternization regs anymore.”
“So I can frak with impunity, Captain?”
“Just don’t catch anything that requires infirmary time,” Louis said. “I don’t want to have to go back to running this bucket’s excuse for a communications console if I can help it.”
“In that case,” Meeker said, taking one last look in her mirror, “yes, I have a hot date with Specialist Alamede. Don’t wait up for me, boys.” She waved as she flounced out of the room, pulling the hatch shut behind her.
Felix smiled and shook his head. “What about you, Amy? Meeting Scott at Joe’s?” Linstrum wasn’t nearly as dressed up as Meeker-she’d merely switched her duty blues for her more comfortable BDUs-but the crowd at Joe’s was always a broad mix of casual and all dolled up.
To Louis’s surprise, Linstrum colored. He’d been sure she’d gotten over her schoolgirl crushes-on both him and Felix-long ago.
“I’m going to Baltar’s evening service,” she blurted like an apology.
She looked at Felix warily, but Felix just appeared confused. “Oh. Okay. Have fun.”
Linstrum nodded, smiled tightly, and slipped out the hatch.
Felix turned to him. “What the hell was that about?”
“Nothing. She just thinks mentioning Baltar will upset you.”
Felix rolled his eyes. “My gods, still? A guy has one embarrassingly public crush on a man, and five years later, people think he’s still hung up on him?”
They’d had this discussion many times before. “It’s because they all assume you actually consummated the crush and slept with him. Because nobody believes that Baltar would turn down sex.”
Felix made a disgusted noise. He pulled his tanks over his head as he talked. “Considering how he’d frak almost anything, including air, when he was on Galactica, it is a little hard to believe Gaius is straight.” Felix affected a comically accurate imitation of Baltar’s accent. “‘I’m sorry if you were under any illusions, Mr. Gaeta, but I assure you they were of your own creation. You’re very nice, but I simply do not find myself attracted to men in that way.’ Could’ve told me that before I quit my frakking job for you, Gaius.”
It was true, about no one believing Baltar had rebuffed Felix’s advances. It had even come up when they’d gotten married the night before Felix left for the Demetrius. Helo had pulled Louis aside, fearing Felix’s spur-of-the-moment proposal was some sort of weird, clinging backlash from Baltar’s trial rather than a need to not leave important things unsaid before a dangerous mission. But Louis understood.
Ultimately, what people thought didn’t matter much. For a man like Felix, the kind of deep heartbreak that comes with betrayed love was the best way to describe what Baltar had done to his idealism. New Caprica hadn’t cut Felix any less deeply because he and Baltar hadn’t been together; it had just broken a different part of his heart.
Even talking about Baltar now still made Felix visibly angry. He growled as he struggled with rolling up his pant leg past the stump cap, and instead of taking the time he needed to do the process right, he yanked on the cloth and accidentally tore it.
“Frak! I just got these back from the laundry,” he huffed as he removed the prosthesis. “I know Dr. Ramos is right about how wearing pants over the prosthesis is better for me from a psychological standpoint, and I do feel like I stand out less, but it makes getting the thing off at night a bitch.”
Felix more expertly wriggled out of his pants while sitting, then froze for a moment when he apparently remembered the laundry hamper was on the other side of the bunkroom. He sighed, balled up his tanks and pants, and tossed them at the hamper. The pants missed, but they were close enough that Louis decided it was best to just stay put.
“When is your next appointment?”
Felix thought for a moment. “In three days.”
“Is it one that I come along for?”
“No, this one is just me.”
Louis scooted over so Felix could slide in beside him under the sheets and prop himself up with the pillow as well. Felix pulled the privacy curtain shut and flicked on their little light.
He sighed, long and slow, like he was gathering courage to say something. “You know how Dr. Ramos says it’s good for me to talk about Dee?”
“Yes,” Louis said casually, but he turned to face Felix.
Felix looked down, picking at the sheet. “It’s funny, but one thing that I really miss is when Dee used to babysit Hera and she’d ask me to help. I don’t ever get to see Hera anymore.”
He knew that the Agathons would be happy to have Felix babysit-all Felix had to do was offer. But he remembered seeing Felix with Nicky earlier that day, and a thousand other little hints and moments over the past few months, all of which made him almost certain that that wasn’t really what Felix was talking about.
Louis said softly, “You want a child, don’t you?”
Felix looked up at him in surprise, his mouth moving but not forming any words.
Louis smiled. “Don’t look so shocked. I know you, Felix.”
Felix’s expression softened, though he still uncharacteristically stumbled over his words. “I know it sounds crazy, what without us being any closer to finding a habitable planet and everything else being such a mess. But...but I want...I want someone that I can take care of, and protect, and love, and...and help build a future for. I don’t want to wait for some home we may never find for that. I want someone I can hope for again.”
Felix looked at him nervously, searching his expression. “So? What do you think?”
Louis fingered the photograph still resting face down on his chest. “I think you’re right about not putting our lives on hold until we find a planet. And it would be nice....”
Felix waited for more of an answer that didn’t come. Finally, he nodded at the photograph. “What’s that?”
“It’s me trying to take Dr. Ramos’s advice about remembrance, too.” He held up the photo, and Felix leaned in to get a better view.
As soon as Felix saw what it was, he wrapped a comforting arm around Louis’s shoulders.
“I don’t think I’ve seen this one before,” he murmured.
“It’s my favorite,” Louis sighed. “That makes it harder to look at.”
“It never ceases to amaze me how much Amelia’s eyes look like yours,” Felix said.
“It never ceases to amaze me that any of my features don’t look ridiculous on a girl’s face. She even turned out to be pretty.” Louis smiled sadly.
“Very pretty.”
“Poor Jordan got my ears, though. I think he got that awful haircut just to cover them up.”
“It even looks like the two of them got along well,” Felix said.
Louis snorted. “That’s more the result of the hammock they’re sharing than brotherly or sisterly affection.” When Felix furrowed his brow, Louis explained, “When you’re in a hammock with someone, if you fight physically with them at all, you tip over the hammock and both of you fall out.” He caressed Jordan’s face with his thumb. “In fact, about ten minutes after I took the picture, I think they did start arguing and got dumped out on the ground.”
He felt Felix’s hand close over his fingers. “It’s too soon, isn’t it?”
He knew he meant Amelia and Jordan. But those words applied just as well to the newness of the feeling of the metal band on Felix’s finger against his palm, and the strangeness of seeing a ring on his own hand again after so long. They hadn’t exactly had time to find rings before Felix left on the Demetrius. Then there was two months of waiting alone, then the terrifying weeks in the infirmary and when Felix had gone back to work too soon, then the days when the Raptor had gone missing, and finally the month Felix spent with Dr. Ramos on the Inchon Velle. After waiting so long to just be together somewhere that didn’t have restrictive visiting hours, rings hadn’t really been a priority.
And Felix could have been speaking of his continued working with Dr. Ramos. The Lords knew Felix still had a long way to go with his therapy sessions before he’d be truly mentally healed. Frak, Louis thought, he had a long way to go in therapy-so did every last person in the Fleet, if they were even lucky enough to have access to a psychiatrist. But Louis knew better than most how important it was to savor the few opportunities for happiness that life gave.
He propped the photo up on the ledge above their rack, then brought Felix’s fingers to his lips, held them there a long time. Finally, he looked up. “I want to hope for something again, too.”
Felix cupped his cheek and kissed him. When they broke apart, Felix was smiling like he hadn’t since...since Earth, Louis realized.
“We’ll start talking details in the morning?” Louis asked.
Felix nodded, kissed him good-night, and turned off the light. Louis turned on his side, ready to sleep, but Felix clearly wasn’t, instead rubbing his back and shoulders.
“It’s weird that I’d think of it all the sudden now, but I never thanked you for saving me,” Felix murmured, kissing his shoulder. Louis knew from experience that that preamble meant that it had been on Felix’s mind for days, and he had just now summed up the courage to say it out loud.
“You did,” Louis said. “You were so oxygen deprived, you just don’t remember it.”
“No, that’s not what I meant.” He was back to fumbling for words again. “For when you and Cottle… found out. And sent me to the Inchon Velle and Dr. Ramos. I know what you could’ve done, and I wanted to thank you for giving me this chance, for not giving up on me.”
Louis winced. After having gotten by without telling this part of the story for so long, he’d lulled himself into believing he’d never have to. “I almost did give up.”
He felt Felix’s fingers hesitate, but they returned to work on a knot near his shoulder blade.
Louis continued, “Of course, I didn’t know the consequences and the...permanence of not going after you at the time.”
“Might have been permanent,” Felix interrupted.
“No, would have been permanent, Felix.” Louis hated to say it, but it was the truth. “And to be perfectly honest, I was angry at you for pushing me away, again, and after Racetrack and I searched half of space for you. If it hadn’t been for Gunny Maddox, I would have lost you, one way or another.”
“Ryan Maddox? The marine with the pretty eyes?”
Louis nodded. “The day after you left me, Maddox came to me and said you’d visited Zarek while he was guarding the cell. He never gave details, but he said he was afraid you and Zarek were getting into something dangerous and that it was only a matter of time before Zarek hung you out to dry. Maddox didn’t trust the brass, but he trusted me to help you. So I went to Cottle, and thank the Gods he was willing to lie about the reason we were having you committed. Colonel Tigh had seen how frakked up you were when you got off that damn Raptor, so he bought the story about me catching you trying to OD on morpha.”
Felix was quiet for a long time. Finally, he said thoughtfully, “Ryan Maddox. Why did he do that?”
“He was so in love with you,” Louis said without feeling any jealousy. “He kept saying, ‘Please, don’t let Felix get hurt. Whatever happens, keep Felix safe.’”
“I never knew.” Felix paused, probably digesting that. “What side of the mutiny was he on?”
Louis was afraid of where this was going. “What?”
“I mean, what happened to him? I haven’t seen him in a long time.”
Louis took a deep breath before answering. “Nobody knows. We gave him the benefit of the doubt and a funeral when neither side claimed him. He died in the mutiny, Felix. You know that.”
The fingers on his back stopped kneading his muscles, just keeping the lightest of contacts. Louis thought he felt them shaking.
He was sure of it when he heard Felix’s voice. “I knew that. Of course I knew that. Gods, I-how could I forget-”
Louis turned over. Felix was shaking his head, eyes squeezed shut, struggling so hard against himself. To hell with Dr. Ramos if he thought this kind of thing was good for Felix. Louis couldn’t stand watching him rip himself apart like this, certainly not now, when they both needed to rest.
“Felix, no, it’s okay.” He threaded his fingers through Felix’s hair, stroking gently. “You’re just tired, that’s all. Let this one go.”
“But Dr. Ramos-”
“Don’t make more out of this one than it is. Gods know there were a lot of funerals to remember then, and you’re tired,” he said firmly, hoping Felix believed it, even though he wasn’t sure he did.
That calmed Felix a little, but there was still a manic edge to his expression. “I must be crazy, thinking I’m ready for a kid.”
He could have used that moment to back out, Louis knew. It still hurt like someone was pulling his heart out of his chest every time he looked at Amelia and Jordan’s faces. But he didn’t want to back out, not in the least. That was the moment he was truly sure they were ready.
He made Felix look him in the eyes. “You’re going to be a great father, Felix. I know it. And if we wait for things to be perfect, we’re going to be waiting forever.”
Finally, he felt Felix relax against him. “And I won’t be doing it alone. I have you.”
Louis smiled. “Just try to get rid of me.”
Felix settled his head on Louis’s shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Louis stared into the darkness for a long time after Felix’s breathing evened out. When sleep finally overtook him, he dreamt of summer sunlight shining through a canopy of ash trees, and the sounds of wind chimes and laughter carried by a rustling breeze.
~~**~~**~~
Ten years ago; six years before the attacks
Even with the air conditioner on full-blast, Jude looked hot and uncomfortable, beads of sweat already starting to form at his temples. He stared out the front picture window, though somehow, Louis doubted Jude was admiring how neatly he’d mowed the lawn and trimmed the shrubbery earlier that morning.
“You really don’t have to wear a button-down shirt and a sport jacket,” Louis said.
Jude fidgeted with his shirt cuffs. “No, I want to make a good impression.”
“You’re not familiar with Sagittaron summers. It’s so hot outside, you’ll be sweating like a pig in five minutes.”
“To be honest, I’d be sweating like a pig if I were naked in a blizzard right now.”
Louis chuckled, even if it wasn’t really fair to make fun of Jude for his nerves. After all, Louis had gone on an anxiety-induced cleaning spree that morning. The kitchen floor hadn’t been that clean since he’d bought the house last year. He’d even straightened up Jordan’s room, which had looked like a tornado had hit his collection of model spaceships, and Amelia’s, knowing full well that he’d be treated to a lecture on privacy that evening when she discovered his handiwork but still unable able to stop himself. Louis had changed the sheets on his bed as well. Jude wouldn’t be staying the night again tonight-everybody meeting and him spending the evening with them all would be plenty for the first day-but he couldn’t deny how eagerly he was waiting for the day he could call it our room….
But he was getting ahead of himself. The point was, if he didn’t have butterflies the size of Vipers in his own stomach, Louis would have found it extremely funny that a man who had faced down scores of insurgents and terrorists with steely, professional calm was so scared of meeting one petite, unarmed woman and two kids.
“You can at least unbutton the top one so you can breathe,” Louis said, taking hold of Jude’s collar and undoing a button before Jude could argue. He stayed in close, gently taking Jude’s jacket lapels in his hands. “You’ll do fine. Jordan will love you if you like dogs and maglev trains. Amelia will love you if you sign whatever her latest petition is, and she’ll adore you if you let her explain it and all the worlds’ related injustices to you.”
“And Susannah?”
Louis sighed and made a face. “With Susannah...for starters, it’s ‘Susannah,’ not ‘Sue,’ or ‘Susan,’ and for the love of the Gods, not ‘Suzanne.’ And don’t introduce yourself by saying I’ve told you so much about her. She’ll assume it’s all negative.”
Both of them laughed to relieve some tension, even though it wasn’t much of a joke. They heard a car pull into the driveway. Louis gave Jude a quick kiss and an encouraging smile. Then they walked outside.
Jordan was just climbing out of the van when Louis and Jude walked out on the front lawn.
“Hi Dad!” Jordan yelled, waving. “We brought Bruno!”
“The dog?” Jude whispered.
Louis nodded. “Jordan thinks Bruno needs joint custody, too.”
“Jordan, don’t try to get the back door open yourself. Wait until your sister helps you,” Susannah said from the driver’s seat.
“I can do it! I’m big enough!”
“Are not!” said Amelia as she slid out of the van. The height issue was a sore spot with Jordan. No matter how many times Louis explained that Jordan would have a growth spurt someday, like Amelia had had when she was his age, Jordan didn’t quite believe him. The worst of it was, Jordan’s dubiousness was not without reason. Jordan had his mother’s petite build, whereas Amelia took after Louis, all long, gangly arms and legs.
The spat was already forgotten by the time Amelia opened the back hatch, though. Jordan said, “I taught Bruno a new trick, Dad. You gotta see it. Come on, Bruno!”
The huge paws and nose of the ancient St. Bernard peeked out for a moment, but then Bruno lay down inside the back of the van. Jordan and Amelia redoubled their efforts to get him out, calling and clapping and promising treats.
By that time, Susannah was striding up the lawn to meet them. Louis saw out of the corner of his eye that Jude was trying to run his fingers through his hair, probably some kind of nervous tic. It didn’t work very well with a marine’s buzz cut, though.
“Hi,” Susannah said, the forced smile Louis was so used to by now plastered on her face. Her eyes flitted to Jude for a moment and her brow wrinkled a little, but she mainly focused on Louis. “So, what’s this about lunch that you were talking about in the message you left?”
So far, so good. “Right. Susannah, this is Jude. Jude, this is my former wife, Susannah.”
“Oh. Hi,” Susannah said as Jude shook her hand.
Jude smiled a little too intensely and spoke a little too fast. “Susannah, it’s so nice to meet you. Louis has told me so much about-” Louis could see the moment Jude caught his mistake on Jude’s face. “-about your being a receptionist at a law office. It must be a...an interesting job.”
“Um, yeah, I guess,” Susannah said, now visibly confused.
“Bruno, come on!” Jordan yelled. Everyone turned to see Jordan pulling on Bruno’s leash like he was losing a game of tug-of-war, leaning back so far he was nearly parallel to the ground.
“Jordan, don’t do that,” Susannah called. “You’re going to hurt yourself, and Bruno. Just wait until your father can help you.”
Jordan looked at them in disgust, but he let go of the leash and climbed into the back of the van with Bruno. Louis really didn’t want to know what he was up to. At least Amelia was watching; she’d tattle if he did anything dangerously stupid.
Susannah and Louis turned back to continue their conversation, but both of them noticed Jude was still watching the kids. He was a little pale, but he was smiling almost wistfully. Louis had never seen that expression on Jude’s face before. It made him fall in love with him a little more.
Susannah, however, was just more confused. “I’m sorry to be so rude, but who exactly are you?” she asked Jude.
Jude snapped his attention back but was at a loss for words, so Louis swooped in to save him. “That’s what lunch is for. So the five of us can get to know each other a little better. Like how Brother Daly said when we bring someone new into the kids’ lives, we should make sure the other has the chance to meet them. So the other feels more comfortable with the kids spending a lot of time around...someone new.”
Susannah just shook her head in befuddlement. “But...Brother Daly was talking about...but....”
Louis really couldn’t believe she wasn’t getting it. “Susannah....” He threaded his fingers through Jude’s.
He saw Susannah fit the pieces together. She understood, but Louis was shocked to see that this was by no means the old knowledge to her that he’d assumed it was. She stood for a long time, mouth open and eyes fixed on their conjoined hands, before she finally brought her gaze back up to Louis. Her eyes were blazing.
“If you’ll excuse us for a minute,” Susannah said to Jude, though she didn’t take her eyes off Louis.
Jude nodded apologetically and retreated to the front steps. Susannah led Louis to the far side of the lawn, not completely out of Amelia and Jordan’s earshot, but far enough that they wouldn’t hear what they were talking about so long as no one raised their voice.
Louis figured he should let her start, but all she could say was, “My Gods, Louis,” and look like she was about to throw up.
“Susannah, I am so sorry. I never meant to blindside you with it like that,” Louis started.
Susannah laughed mirthlessly. “How in the hell did you think showing up with a boyfriend was going to be anything but a blindside?”
“I swear to Gods I thought you knew. Throughout the whole divorce process, counseling with Brother Daly, I all but said it-”
“All but!” she hissed in that voice that he knew meant she’d be yelling if the kids weren’t nearby. Her eyes were shining with tears. “You never said it, Louis! You never frakking said it. You can’t even say it now.”
He closed his eyes and tried to form the words, but Susannah started up again before he could collect himself.
“Were you with him before the divorce?” she asked, her voice more controlled but no less bitter. “Is that why you joined the military, so you could frak men without anyone you know finding out?”
“Godsdamn it, Susannah, you know that’s not true!” For the first time, Louis felt anger beginning to boil in the pit of his stomach. “I joined up because the military were the only ones hiring, and they were willing to take an uneducated nobody like me to fill their Sagittaron quota. Because I was nineteen years old with a pregnant girlfriend and scared shitless that I wouldn’t be able to put a roof over my baby’s head.”
Susannah wouldn’t look at him. She just stared at the ground, blinking back tears.
Louis calmed down a little. “You know we had so many problems that had nothing to do with...me being.... We wouldn’t have worked together even if I was as straight as could be. But I would never cheat on you, with anyone. You know that. You know me.”
“That’s the thing, Louis,” Susannah said, finally looking up, voice quavering. “I don’t know you. Not anymore.”
“This doesn’t change who I am.”
“Like hell it doesn’t,” Susannah scoffed. “How long were you lying to me?”
That cut him deeply. “I am so sorry.”
He followed Susannah’s gaze to the kids, who had finally managed to coax Bruno out of the van.
Susannah rubbed her eyes and sniffed. “Jordan, Amelia, put Bruno back in the car,” she called.
Amelia said, “But we just got him out.”
“Put him back in and get in the car.”
Louis’s stomach turned to ice. “Wait, it’s my week with the kids.”
Susannah started walking away.
“I’m sorry for springing this on you and upsetting you, but it’s my week, Susannah.” He grabbed her shoulder, not hard, just enough to stop her. She flinched away from him.
“You seriously think I’m going to leave my kids in that kind of environment?” Susannah spat, jerking her head at Jude, who was still standing on the doorstep.
“What?”
“I know how this works. If you want to go shack up with this guy on Caprica or Virgon or wherever, fine, but there’s no way my kids are going to visit you off-world. Caroline Grimsby’s ex moved to Virgon and took Benjy with him for a ‘visit,’ and he got their courts to take away Caroline’s parental rights. You’ll tell them that I’m some backwoods Sagittaron hick, and I’ll never see-” She ended with a loud sniff. Louis realized that Susannah wasn’t just angry; she was scared.
“But Caroline Grimsby is a backwoods hick who wouldn’t let a doctor treat Benjy’s diabetes,” Louis argued. “Look. I’m not moving. Even if I was, I don’t want to take the kids from you. You’re a good mother, and they love you.”
“And as their mother, I have decided that they will not have contact with whomever or whatever you drag home with you.”
Whomever or whatever? Louis knew Susannah could get mean when she was upset, but he’d never heard her talk like that before. “You’re being ridiculous!”
“I’m trying, Louis. I know it doesn’t look like it to you, but I’m really trying,” Susannah said through gritted teeth. “If there’s one thing I do know, I know you would never intentionally hurt them.”
“Intentionally? I’d never-”
“Never hurt them at all? If you honestly think that, you’re living in a dream world.” Susannah crossed her arms like she’d been saving up this part for a while. “This may be news to you, but your decisions affect more than just yourself. Do you have any idea how many of their classmates shun them because of your job? How many times I’ve had to try to comfort them with that ‘stick and stones’ crap when they come home crying about somebody calling Dad a godless, heartless murderer? And it’ll be nothing compared to what they’ll be subjected to if you shack up with this-” She pointed at Jude but couldn’t finish the sentence. “When they came home crying about kids calling you a murderer, I could always comfort them with the fact that they knew it wasn’t true. But the filth that’s coming-I can’t say that. I can’t reassure them it’s not true.”
He hadn’t known, but now that Susannah said it, odd little moments that he’d never noted before slid into place and made sense. Jordan coming home with barely red-rimmed eyes and Amelia uncharacteristically butting in that it was just his allergies, the two of them steering him away from certain other parents when he went to their pyramid games and piano recitals.... Snide comments happened to him when he was on his own so often that they barely registered with him anymore. How could he have been so stupid, to think Amelia and Jordan would be immune to that kind of harassment just because they themselves were innocent?
“At the end of the day, I can’t control who you want to frak.” Susannah laughed bitterly. “Based on prior experience, I obviously can’t tell whether you’re telling me the truth on that front anyway, so it’s not like my monitoring would matter. But I do have a say in who my children associate with, and they will not associate with your frak buddies. There’s not a court on this planet that would disagree with me.”
The word court struck a new note of fear in Louis.
Susannah continued, “Frankly, if I took what I know now to court, most Sagittaron judges would take away custody if asked. And most mothers would ask for it. I don’t want it to come to that. They love you, and they need a father. But Gods help me, if you hurt them, I will take you down.”
Louis followed her to the car, even though he was too stunned to form any kind of response. Mostly, he wondered how he’d ever been so foolish as to think this could work.
Amelia poked her head out the van window. “What’s going on? Are you okay, Dad?”
Louis couldn’t speak. He was stuck in a wild moment of fearing, what if this was the last time he ever saw his children?
“Everything’s fine,” Susannah said evenly as she slid into the driver’s seat. “Your father’s just been called up for work unexpectedly, and his friend is here to take him back to the base. Once he has things taken care of, he’ll call and reschedule your week with him.” She stared at Louis as she said the last part, the unspoken command clear.
Jordan leaned over his sister to stick his head out the window, too. “Is it another riot?” he asked.
“No. Fixing boring problems with the wireless system, as usual.” He ruffled his son’s hair. “Don’t worry about me. You and Bruno keep working on that trick, and you’ll be back to show it to me in no time. Okay?”
That assuaged Jordan’s worries, but Louis could tell Amelia was still concerned. He kissed their foreheads, then babbled about loving them and telling them to do their homework and behave for their mom until Susannah pulled out of the driveway.
“You could fight her,” Jude said much later that night, as he pushed kernels of corn from one side of his plate to the other with his fork. Jude had made supper, but it sat cold and untasted on both their plates.
“Fight her?” Louis repeated tiredly.
Jude nodded. “I know it’s not what we’d planned, but we could move to Caprica. My sister lives there, and with our military service, we’d have no trouble getting citizenship. If you just didn’t have to have the trial on Sagittaron.”
Louis sighed and let his fork fall to his plate with a clatter. “I don’t want to take them away from her. I can’t do that to them, or to her, for that matter-and she doesn’t really want to do that to me.”
Jude looked out the window. “What about calling her bluff? And even if she does take you to court over it, you have rights under the Articles. There’s that new Supreme Colonial Appeals Court on Libran.” He added weakly, “I think you’d win.”
Louis looked up from his meal, sure that the utter terror and despair that he’d felt standing beside Susannah’s van was written on his face. “But what if I lost?”
Jude closed his eyes and nodded, as if that was what he had expected all along. He stood up and put his hands on Louis’s shoulders. “Goodbye, Louis.”
“But you don’t understand-”
“No, I do. And that’s why I’m leaving.” Jude said it kindly, though his shoulders slumped. “The worst part is, I don’t blame you at all.” He kissed Louis’s forehead.
“I’m sorry,” Louis whispered as Jude’s lips lingered there.
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. Take care of yourself, Louis.”
When the front door clicked shut and Louis found himself sitting all alone in his kitchen, he remembered the way he’d thought the day would end when he left the message on Susannah’s phone. He imagined the four of them together in the living room, watching a movie: Jordan burrowed in a blanket in the recliner and munching on a bowl of popcorn, Amelia lying on the floor on her stomach and offering a running commentary, and he and Jude together on the couch, maybe even holding hands. The beginnings of a family.
CONTINUE TO PART 2
Picture Perfect
Present Day
Laughter was such an unusual sound in the infirmary.
In a just universe, he wouldn’t have known nearly as much about the infirmary as he did, Louis thought. He’d threaded his way through the cubicles back to the physical therapy area so many times that his feet took him there without him even thinking. He knew Doc Cottle’s smoking schedule. He knew the names of all the nurses, their home colonies, their life stories, their bedside manners, their skill at inserting feeding tubes and finding veins for IVs.
He automatically averted his glance when he passed the President’s cubicle, knowing that the sight of a skeletal woman holding herself up through sheer force of will never changed anyway. He was used to the quiet piano music Captain Thrace played almost constantly by her husband’s bedside, though that, too, was different today, gone-not a good sign.
But hearing Felix laughing in this place overrode all Louis’s habits and routines. He changed direction when he figured out the sound wasn’t coming from the physical therapy area, where he usually met Felix after his sessions so they could walk to the CIC or home together. It mingled with another chuckle he was familiar with-a pilot he heard over the comm. Hotdog, he recognized after another guffaw.
Louis arrived at the cubicle Felix and Hotdog were apparently in, but his plan to simply walk in and greet them changed when he heard a third voice giggling. He stopped. His heart was in his throat. He stood quietly just outside the entrance and watched.
Felix sat on a bed with Nicky Tyrol-Costanza, playing some odd version of peek-a-boo with the bed sheets and a worn stuffed duck. It was hard to tell who was more delighted each time the duck popped up from behind the sheet, Nicky or Felix. Hotdog sat in a chair in the corner, obviously exhausted but smiling and adding his own comments to the game.
Hotdog looked up and saw him. For as much shit as everyone gave Hotdog about being slow, Louis could tell from his expression that he understood instantly. He nodded to Louis but didn’t say anything, so Louis could continue watching in silence.
Louis remembered playing this kind of game. The first time had been a little over twenty years ago now. Yet the memory of the joy in those moments, the joy he could see so clearly on Felix’s face now, was still as sharp as if it had been yesterday.
~~**~~**~~
Through the viewfinder of a camera, you see:
Summer sun and shade from the ash trees’ limbs dapple their faces. They lie lengthwise on the hammock, in opposite directions, her feet even with his shoulders but his only even with her waist. The growth spurt you keep promising him hasn’t hit yet.
Him, nose and cheeks freckled and sunburned from long, lazy days at the public pool, the tip of his tongue sticking out as he concentrates on his handheld videogame. Her, fair hair frizzed from humidity, knees perpetually skinned and scabbed from pyramid practice. She rolls her eyes at you over her magazine when she sees the camera, but she smiles.
You wish the photo could capture the sound of the rustling leaves, the wind chimes behind you, their giggling through their smiles. You hold still for a long time, telling yourself it’s to guard against a lens flare but knowing it’s because you want this moment to last forever.
The shutter clicks, and the moment is both frozen in time and gone in an instant.
Louis heard Felix laughing with Meeker and Linstrum as the bunkroom hatch creaked open. He set the photo face down on his chest and rearranged the pillow so he was half-way sitting up in the rack. He smiled at Felix.
“Hey, you,” Felix said as he bent down to kiss Louis. He still had to hang on to the ladder, but the fact that he could lean over at all without falling was such a huge improvement. Even after all these months, Louis still didn’t take it for granted.
“Amy, can I borrow your yellow dress?” Meeker asked, shimmying out of her duty blues pants, her jacket already hung in her locker. Felix wove between the two women to get to his own locker.
Linstrum grimaced. “My yellow dress? You talk about it like I have more than one dress. Might as well just say ‘my dress.’”
“It’s one dress more than I have. Please? I’ll owe you.”
Linstrum sighed, though Louis knew from living with them for so long that her reluctance was mostly for show. “Fine.”
Felix hung up his jacket, closed his locker, and got out of the way so Meeker could properly do a dance of celebration and pull on the dress.
“Got a hot date tonight?” Felix asked. He sat down on their mattress.
Meeker grinned suggestively, then directed a more sober and guilty look at both of them. “I’ve been meaning to ask you guys about that. Hypothetically, how much trouble do you think an ensign might be in if she dated somebody of a different rank?”
Felix smirked. “Asking the lieutenant married to the acting XO whether fraternizing with a superior officer is okay, huh? Smart plan. You’re even more cunning than I give you credit for, Clara.”
Meeker beamed at the compliment. “But really, the rank thing?”
Louis leaned in to include himself in the conversation. “We are so far past caring about things as minor as fraternization regs anymore.”
“So I can frak with impunity, Captain?”
“Just don’t catch anything that requires infirmary time,” Louis said. “I don’t want to have to go back to running this bucket’s excuse for a communications console if I can help it.”
“In that case,” Meeker said, taking one last look in her mirror, “yes, I have a hot date with Specialist Alamede. Don’t wait up for me, boys.” She waved as she flounced out of the room, pulling the hatch shut behind her.
Felix smiled and shook his head. “What about you, Amy? Meeting Scott at Joe’s?” Linstrum wasn’t nearly as dressed up as Meeker-she’d merely switched her duty blues for her more comfortable BDUs-but the crowd at Joe’s was always a broad mix of casual and all dolled up.
To Louis’s surprise, Linstrum colored. He’d been sure she’d gotten over her schoolgirl crushes-on both him and Felix-long ago.
“I’m going to Baltar’s evening service,” she blurted like an apology.
She looked at Felix warily, but Felix just appeared confused. “Oh. Okay. Have fun.”
Linstrum nodded, smiled tightly, and slipped out the hatch.
Felix turned to him. “What the hell was that about?”
“Nothing. She just thinks mentioning Baltar will upset you.”
Felix rolled his eyes. “My gods, still? A guy has one embarrassingly public crush on a man, and five years later, people think he’s still hung up on him?”
They’d had this discussion many times before. “It’s because they all assume you actually consummated the crush and slept with him. Because nobody believes that Baltar would turn down sex.”
Felix made a disgusted noise. He pulled his tanks over his head as he talked. “Considering how he’d frak almost anything, including air, when he was on Galactica, it is a little hard to believe Gaius is straight.” Felix affected a comically accurate imitation of Baltar’s accent. “‘I’m sorry if you were under any illusions, Mr. Gaeta, but I assure you they were of your own creation. You’re very nice, but I simply do not find myself attracted to men in that way.’ Could’ve told me that before I quit my frakking job for you, Gaius.”
It was true, about no one believing Baltar had rebuffed Felix’s advances. It had even come up when they’d gotten married the night before Felix left for the Demetrius. Helo had pulled Louis aside, fearing Felix’s spur-of-the-moment proposal was some sort of weird, clinging backlash from Baltar’s trial rather than a need to not leave important things unsaid before a dangerous mission. But Louis understood.
Ultimately, what people thought didn’t matter much. For a man like Felix, the kind of deep heartbreak that comes with betrayed love was the best way to describe what Baltar had done to his idealism. New Caprica hadn’t cut Felix any less deeply because he and Baltar hadn’t been together; it had just broken a different part of his heart.
Even talking about Baltar now still made Felix visibly angry. He growled as he struggled with rolling up his pant leg past the stump cap, and instead of taking the time he needed to do the process right, he yanked on the cloth and accidentally tore it.
“Frak! I just got these back from the laundry,” he huffed as he removed the prosthesis. “I know Dr. Ramos is right about how wearing pants over the prosthesis is better for me from a psychological standpoint, and I do feel like I stand out less, but it makes getting the thing off at night a bitch.”
Felix more expertly wriggled out of his pants while sitting, then froze for a moment when he apparently remembered the laundry hamper was on the other side of the bunkroom. He sighed, balled up his tanks and pants, and tossed them at the hamper. The pants missed, but they were close enough that Louis decided it was best to just stay put.
“When is your next appointment?”
Felix thought for a moment. “In three days.”
“Is it one that I come along for?”
“No, this one is just me.”
Louis scooted over so Felix could slide in beside him under the sheets and prop himself up with the pillow as well. Felix pulled the privacy curtain shut and flicked on their little light.
He sighed, long and slow, like he was gathering courage to say something. “You know how Dr. Ramos says it’s good for me to talk about Dee?”
“Yes,” Louis said casually, but he turned to face Felix.
Felix looked down, picking at the sheet. “It’s funny, but one thing that I really miss is when Dee used to babysit Hera and she’d ask me to help. I don’t ever get to see Hera anymore.”
He knew that the Agathons would be happy to have Felix babysit-all Felix had to do was offer. But he remembered seeing Felix with Nicky earlier that day, and a thousand other little hints and moments over the past few months, all of which made him almost certain that that wasn’t really what Felix was talking about.
Louis said softly, “You want a child, don’t you?”
Felix looked up at him in surprise, his mouth moving but not forming any words.
Louis smiled. “Don’t look so shocked. I know you, Felix.”
Felix’s expression softened, though he still uncharacteristically stumbled over his words. “I know it sounds crazy, what without us being any closer to finding a habitable planet and everything else being such a mess. But...but I want...I want someone that I can take care of, and protect, and love, and...and help build a future for. I don’t want to wait for some home we may never find for that. I want someone I can hope for again.”
Felix looked at him nervously, searching his expression. “So? What do you think?”
Louis fingered the photograph still resting face down on his chest. “I think you’re right about not putting our lives on hold until we find a planet. And it would be nice....”
Felix waited for more of an answer that didn’t come. Finally, he nodded at the photograph. “What’s that?”
“It’s me trying to take Dr. Ramos’s advice about remembrance, too.” He held up the photo, and Felix leaned in to get a better view.
As soon as Felix saw what it was, he wrapped a comforting arm around Louis’s shoulders.
“I don’t think I’ve seen this one before,” he murmured.
“It’s my favorite,” Louis sighed. “That makes it harder to look at.”
“It never ceases to amaze me how much Amelia’s eyes look like yours,” Felix said.
“It never ceases to amaze me that any of my features don’t look ridiculous on a girl’s face. She even turned out to be pretty.” Louis smiled sadly.
“Very pretty.”
“Poor Jordan got my ears, though. I think he got that awful haircut just to cover them up.”
“It even looks like the two of them got along well,” Felix said.
Louis snorted. “That’s more the result of the hammock they’re sharing than brotherly or sisterly affection.” When Felix furrowed his brow, Louis explained, “When you’re in a hammock with someone, if you fight physically with them at all, you tip over the hammock and both of you fall out.” He caressed Jordan’s face with his thumb. “In fact, about ten minutes after I took the picture, I think they did start arguing and got dumped out on the ground.”
He felt Felix’s hand close over his fingers. “It’s too soon, isn’t it?”
He knew he meant Amelia and Jordan. But those words applied just as well to the newness of the feeling of the metal band on Felix’s finger against his palm, and the strangeness of seeing a ring on his own hand again after so long. They hadn’t exactly had time to find rings before Felix left on the Demetrius. Then there was two months of waiting alone, then the terrifying weeks in the infirmary and when Felix had gone back to work too soon, then the days when the Raptor had gone missing, and finally the month Felix spent with Dr. Ramos on the Inchon Velle. After waiting so long to just be together somewhere that didn’t have restrictive visiting hours, rings hadn’t really been a priority.
And Felix could have been speaking of his continued working with Dr. Ramos. The Lords knew Felix still had a long way to go with his therapy sessions before he’d be truly mentally healed. Frak, Louis thought, he had a long way to go in therapy-so did every last person in the Fleet, if they were even lucky enough to have access to a psychiatrist. But Louis knew better than most how important it was to savor the few opportunities for happiness that life gave.
He propped the photo up on the ledge above their rack, then brought Felix’s fingers to his lips, held them there a long time. Finally, he looked up. “I want to hope for something again, too.”
Felix cupped his cheek and kissed him. When they broke apart, Felix was smiling like he hadn’t since...since Earth, Louis realized.
“We’ll start talking details in the morning?” Louis asked.
Felix nodded, kissed him good-night, and turned off the light. Louis turned on his side, ready to sleep, but Felix clearly wasn’t, instead rubbing his back and shoulders.
“It’s weird that I’d think of it all the sudden now, but I never thanked you for saving me,” Felix murmured, kissing his shoulder. Louis knew from experience that that preamble meant that it had been on Felix’s mind for days, and he had just now summed up the courage to say it out loud.
“You did,” Louis said. “You were so oxygen deprived, you just don’t remember it.”
“No, that’s not what I meant.” He was back to fumbling for words again. “For when you and Cottle… found out. And sent me to the Inchon Velle and Dr. Ramos. I know what you could’ve done, and I wanted to thank you for giving me this chance, for not giving up on me.”
Louis winced. After having gotten by without telling this part of the story for so long, he’d lulled himself into believing he’d never have to. “I almost did give up.”
He felt Felix’s fingers hesitate, but they returned to work on a knot near his shoulder blade.
Louis continued, “Of course, I didn’t know the consequences and the...permanence of not going after you at the time.”
“Might have been permanent,” Felix interrupted.
“No, would have been permanent, Felix.” Louis hated to say it, but it was the truth. “And to be perfectly honest, I was angry at you for pushing me away, again, and after Racetrack and I searched half of space for you. If it hadn’t been for Gunny Maddox, I would have lost you, one way or another.”
“Ryan Maddox? The marine with the pretty eyes?”
Louis nodded. “The day after you left me, Maddox came to me and said you’d visited Zarek while he was guarding the cell. He never gave details, but he said he was afraid you and Zarek were getting into something dangerous and that it was only a matter of time before Zarek hung you out to dry. Maddox didn’t trust the brass, but he trusted me to help you. So I went to Cottle, and thank the Gods he was willing to lie about the reason we were having you committed. Colonel Tigh had seen how frakked up you were when you got off that damn Raptor, so he bought the story about me catching you trying to OD on morpha.”
Felix was quiet for a long time. Finally, he said thoughtfully, “Ryan Maddox. Why did he do that?”
“He was so in love with you,” Louis said without feeling any jealousy. “He kept saying, ‘Please, don’t let Felix get hurt. Whatever happens, keep Felix safe.’”
“I never knew.” Felix paused, probably digesting that. “What side of the mutiny was he on?”
Louis was afraid of where this was going. “What?”
“I mean, what happened to him? I haven’t seen him in a long time.”
Louis took a deep breath before answering. “Nobody knows. We gave him the benefit of the doubt and a funeral when neither side claimed him. He died in the mutiny, Felix. You know that.”
The fingers on his back stopped kneading his muscles, just keeping the lightest of contacts. Louis thought he felt them shaking.
He was sure of it when he heard Felix’s voice. “I knew that. Of course I knew that. Gods, I-how could I forget-”
Louis turned over. Felix was shaking his head, eyes squeezed shut, struggling so hard against himself. To hell with Dr. Ramos if he thought this kind of thing was good for Felix. Louis couldn’t stand watching him rip himself apart like this, certainly not now, when they both needed to rest.
“Felix, no, it’s okay.” He threaded his fingers through Felix’s hair, stroking gently. “You’re just tired, that’s all. Let this one go.”
“But Dr. Ramos-”
“Don’t make more out of this one than it is. Gods know there were a lot of funerals to remember then, and you’re tired,” he said firmly, hoping Felix believed it, even though he wasn’t sure he did.
That calmed Felix a little, but there was still a manic edge to his expression. “I must be crazy, thinking I’m ready for a kid.”
He could have used that moment to back out, Louis knew. It still hurt like someone was pulling his heart out of his chest every time he looked at Amelia and Jordan’s faces. But he didn’t want to back out, not in the least. That was the moment he was truly sure they were ready.
He made Felix look him in the eyes. “You’re going to be a great father, Felix. I know it. And if we wait for things to be perfect, we’re going to be waiting forever.”
Finally, he felt Felix relax against him. “And I won’t be doing it alone. I have you.”
Louis smiled. “Just try to get rid of me.”
Felix settled his head on Louis’s shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Louis stared into the darkness for a long time after Felix’s breathing evened out. When sleep finally overtook him, he dreamt of summer sunlight shining through a canopy of ash trees, and the sounds of wind chimes and laughter carried by a rustling breeze.
~~**~~**~~
Ten years ago; six years before the attacks
Even with the air conditioner on full-blast, Jude looked hot and uncomfortable, beads of sweat already starting to form at his temples. He stared out the front picture window, though somehow, Louis doubted Jude was admiring how neatly he’d mowed the lawn and trimmed the shrubbery earlier that morning.
“You really don’t have to wear a button-down shirt and a sport jacket,” Louis said.
Jude fidgeted with his shirt cuffs. “No, I want to make a good impression.”
“You’re not familiar with Sagittaron summers. It’s so hot outside, you’ll be sweating like a pig in five minutes.”
“To be honest, I’d be sweating like a pig if I were naked in a blizzard right now.”
Louis chuckled, even if it wasn’t really fair to make fun of Jude for his nerves. After all, Louis had gone on an anxiety-induced cleaning spree that morning. The kitchen floor hadn’t been that clean since he’d bought the house last year. He’d even straightened up Jordan’s room, which had looked like a tornado had hit his collection of model spaceships, and Amelia’s, knowing full well that he’d be treated to a lecture on privacy that evening when she discovered his handiwork but still unable able to stop himself. Louis had changed the sheets on his bed as well. Jude wouldn’t be staying the night again tonight-everybody meeting and him spending the evening with them all would be plenty for the first day-but he couldn’t deny how eagerly he was waiting for the day he could call it our room….
But he was getting ahead of himself. The point was, if he didn’t have butterflies the size of Vipers in his own stomach, Louis would have found it extremely funny that a man who had faced down scores of insurgents and terrorists with steely, professional calm was so scared of meeting one petite, unarmed woman and two kids.
“You can at least unbutton the top one so you can breathe,” Louis said, taking hold of Jude’s collar and undoing a button before Jude could argue. He stayed in close, gently taking Jude’s jacket lapels in his hands. “You’ll do fine. Jordan will love you if you like dogs and maglev trains. Amelia will love you if you sign whatever her latest petition is, and she’ll adore you if you let her explain it and all the worlds’ related injustices to you.”
“And Susannah?”
Louis sighed and made a face. “With Susannah...for starters, it’s ‘Susannah,’ not ‘Sue,’ or ‘Susan,’ and for the love of the Gods, not ‘Suzanne.’ And don’t introduce yourself by saying I’ve told you so much about her. She’ll assume it’s all negative.”
Both of them laughed to relieve some tension, even though it wasn’t much of a joke. They heard a car pull into the driveway. Louis gave Jude a quick kiss and an encouraging smile. Then they walked outside.
Jordan was just climbing out of the van when Louis and Jude walked out on the front lawn.
“Hi Dad!” Jordan yelled, waving. “We brought Bruno!”
“The dog?” Jude whispered.
Louis nodded. “Jordan thinks Bruno needs joint custody, too.”
“Jordan, don’t try to get the back door open yourself. Wait until your sister helps you,” Susannah said from the driver’s seat.
“I can do it! I’m big enough!”
“Are not!” said Amelia as she slid out of the van. The height issue was a sore spot with Jordan. No matter how many times Louis explained that Jordan would have a growth spurt someday, like Amelia had had when she was his age, Jordan didn’t quite believe him. The worst of it was, Jordan’s dubiousness was not without reason. Jordan had his mother’s petite build, whereas Amelia took after Louis, all long, gangly arms and legs.
The spat was already forgotten by the time Amelia opened the back hatch, though. Jordan said, “I taught Bruno a new trick, Dad. You gotta see it. Come on, Bruno!”
The huge paws and nose of the ancient St. Bernard peeked out for a moment, but then Bruno lay down inside the back of the van. Jordan and Amelia redoubled their efforts to get him out, calling and clapping and promising treats.
By that time, Susannah was striding up the lawn to meet them. Louis saw out of the corner of his eye that Jude was trying to run his fingers through his hair, probably some kind of nervous tic. It didn’t work very well with a marine’s buzz cut, though.
“Hi,” Susannah said, the forced smile Louis was so used to by now plastered on her face. Her eyes flitted to Jude for a moment and her brow wrinkled a little, but she mainly focused on Louis. “So, what’s this about lunch that you were talking about in the message you left?”
So far, so good. “Right. Susannah, this is Jude. Jude, this is my former wife, Susannah.”
“Oh. Hi,” Susannah said as Jude shook her hand.
Jude smiled a little too intensely and spoke a little too fast. “Susannah, it’s so nice to meet you. Louis has told me so much about-” Louis could see the moment Jude caught his mistake on Jude’s face. “-about your being a receptionist at a law office. It must be a...an interesting job.”
“Um, yeah, I guess,” Susannah said, now visibly confused.
“Bruno, come on!” Jordan yelled. Everyone turned to see Jordan pulling on Bruno’s leash like he was losing a game of tug-of-war, leaning back so far he was nearly parallel to the ground.
“Jordan, don’t do that,” Susannah called. “You’re going to hurt yourself, and Bruno. Just wait until your father can help you.”
Jordan looked at them in disgust, but he let go of the leash and climbed into the back of the van with Bruno. Louis really didn’t want to know what he was up to. At least Amelia was watching; she’d tattle if he did anything dangerously stupid.
Susannah and Louis turned back to continue their conversation, but both of them noticed Jude was still watching the kids. He was a little pale, but he was smiling almost wistfully. Louis had never seen that expression on Jude’s face before. It made him fall in love with him a little more.
Susannah, however, was just more confused. “I’m sorry to be so rude, but who exactly are you?” she asked Jude.
Jude snapped his attention back but was at a loss for words, so Louis swooped in to save him. “That’s what lunch is for. So the five of us can get to know each other a little better. Like how Brother Daly said when we bring someone new into the kids’ lives, we should make sure the other has the chance to meet them. So the other feels more comfortable with the kids spending a lot of time around...someone new.”
Susannah just shook her head in befuddlement. “But...Brother Daly was talking about...but....”
Louis really couldn’t believe she wasn’t getting it. “Susannah....” He threaded his fingers through Jude’s.
He saw Susannah fit the pieces together. She understood, but Louis was shocked to see that this was by no means the old knowledge to her that he’d assumed it was. She stood for a long time, mouth open and eyes fixed on their conjoined hands, before she finally brought her gaze back up to Louis. Her eyes were blazing.
“If you’ll excuse us for a minute,” Susannah said to Jude, though she didn’t take her eyes off Louis.
Jude nodded apologetically and retreated to the front steps. Susannah led Louis to the far side of the lawn, not completely out of Amelia and Jordan’s earshot, but far enough that they wouldn’t hear what they were talking about so long as no one raised their voice.
Louis figured he should let her start, but all she could say was, “My Gods, Louis,” and look like she was about to throw up.
“Susannah, I am so sorry. I never meant to blindside you with it like that,” Louis started.
Susannah laughed mirthlessly. “How in the hell did you think showing up with a boyfriend was going to be anything but a blindside?”
“I swear to Gods I thought you knew. Throughout the whole divorce process, counseling with Brother Daly, I all but said it-”
“All but!” she hissed in that voice that he knew meant she’d be yelling if the kids weren’t nearby. Her eyes were shining with tears. “You never said it, Louis! You never frakking said it. You can’t even say it now.”
He closed his eyes and tried to form the words, but Susannah started up again before he could collect himself.
“Were you with him before the divorce?” she asked, her voice more controlled but no less bitter. “Is that why you joined the military, so you could frak men without anyone you know finding out?”
“Godsdamn it, Susannah, you know that’s not true!” For the first time, Louis felt anger beginning to boil in the pit of his stomach. “I joined up because the military were the only ones hiring, and they were willing to take an uneducated nobody like me to fill their Sagittaron quota. Because I was nineteen years old with a pregnant girlfriend and scared shitless that I wouldn’t be able to put a roof over my baby’s head.”
Susannah wouldn’t look at him. She just stared at the ground, blinking back tears.
Louis calmed down a little. “You know we had so many problems that had nothing to do with...me being.... We wouldn’t have worked together even if I was as straight as could be. But I would never cheat on you, with anyone. You know that. You know me.”
“That’s the thing, Louis,” Susannah said, finally looking up, voice quavering. “I don’t know you. Not anymore.”
“This doesn’t change who I am.”
“Like hell it doesn’t,” Susannah scoffed. “How long were you lying to me?”
That cut him deeply. “I am so sorry.”
He followed Susannah’s gaze to the kids, who had finally managed to coax Bruno out of the van.
Susannah rubbed her eyes and sniffed. “Jordan, Amelia, put Bruno back in the car,” she called.
Amelia said, “But we just got him out.”
“Put him back in and get in the car.”
Louis’s stomach turned to ice. “Wait, it’s my week with the kids.”
Susannah started walking away.
“I’m sorry for springing this on you and upsetting you, but it’s my week, Susannah.” He grabbed her shoulder, not hard, just enough to stop her. She flinched away from him.
“You seriously think I’m going to leave my kids in that kind of environment?” Susannah spat, jerking her head at Jude, who was still standing on the doorstep.
“What?”
“I know how this works. If you want to go shack up with this guy on Caprica or Virgon or wherever, fine, but there’s no way my kids are going to visit you off-world. Caroline Grimsby’s ex moved to Virgon and took Benjy with him for a ‘visit,’ and he got their courts to take away Caroline’s parental rights. You’ll tell them that I’m some backwoods Sagittaron hick, and I’ll never see-” She ended with a loud sniff. Louis realized that Susannah wasn’t just angry; she was scared.
“But Caroline Grimsby is a backwoods hick who wouldn’t let a doctor treat Benjy’s diabetes,” Louis argued. “Look. I’m not moving. Even if I was, I don’t want to take the kids from you. You’re a good mother, and they love you.”
“And as their mother, I have decided that they will not have contact with whomever or whatever you drag home with you.”
Whomever or whatever? Louis knew Susannah could get mean when she was upset, but he’d never heard her talk like that before. “You’re being ridiculous!”
“I’m trying, Louis. I know it doesn’t look like it to you, but I’m really trying,” Susannah said through gritted teeth. “If there’s one thing I do know, I know you would never intentionally hurt them.”
“Intentionally? I’d never-”
“Never hurt them at all? If you honestly think that, you’re living in a dream world.” Susannah crossed her arms like she’d been saving up this part for a while. “This may be news to you, but your decisions affect more than just yourself. Do you have any idea how many of their classmates shun them because of your job? How many times I’ve had to try to comfort them with that ‘stick and stones’ crap when they come home crying about somebody calling Dad a godless, heartless murderer? And it’ll be nothing compared to what they’ll be subjected to if you shack up with this-” She pointed at Jude but couldn’t finish the sentence. “When they came home crying about kids calling you a murderer, I could always comfort them with the fact that they knew it wasn’t true. But the filth that’s coming-I can’t say that. I can’t reassure them it’s not true.”
He hadn’t known, but now that Susannah said it, odd little moments that he’d never noted before slid into place and made sense. Jordan coming home with barely red-rimmed eyes and Amelia uncharacteristically butting in that it was just his allergies, the two of them steering him away from certain other parents when he went to their pyramid games and piano recitals.... Snide comments happened to him when he was on his own so often that they barely registered with him anymore. How could he have been so stupid, to think Amelia and Jordan would be immune to that kind of harassment just because they themselves were innocent?
“At the end of the day, I can’t control who you want to frak.” Susannah laughed bitterly. “Based on prior experience, I obviously can’t tell whether you’re telling me the truth on that front anyway, so it’s not like my monitoring would matter. But I do have a say in who my children associate with, and they will not associate with your frak buddies. There’s not a court on this planet that would disagree with me.”
The word court struck a new note of fear in Louis.
Susannah continued, “Frankly, if I took what I know now to court, most Sagittaron judges would take away custody if asked. And most mothers would ask for it. I don’t want it to come to that. They love you, and they need a father. But Gods help me, if you hurt them, I will take you down.”
Louis followed her to the car, even though he was too stunned to form any kind of response. Mostly, he wondered how he’d ever been so foolish as to think this could work.
Amelia poked her head out the van window. “What’s going on? Are you okay, Dad?”
Louis couldn’t speak. He was stuck in a wild moment of fearing, what if this was the last time he ever saw his children?
“Everything’s fine,” Susannah said evenly as she slid into the driver’s seat. “Your father’s just been called up for work unexpectedly, and his friend is here to take him back to the base. Once he has things taken care of, he’ll call and reschedule your week with him.” She stared at Louis as she said the last part, the unspoken command clear.
Jordan leaned over his sister to stick his head out the window, too. “Is it another riot?” he asked.
“No. Fixing boring problems with the wireless system, as usual.” He ruffled his son’s hair. “Don’t worry about me. You and Bruno keep working on that trick, and you’ll be back to show it to me in no time. Okay?”
That assuaged Jordan’s worries, but Louis could tell Amelia was still concerned. He kissed their foreheads, then babbled about loving them and telling them to do their homework and behave for their mom until Susannah pulled out of the driveway.
“You could fight her,” Jude said much later that night, as he pushed kernels of corn from one side of his plate to the other with his fork. Jude had made supper, but it sat cold and untasted on both their plates.
“Fight her?” Louis repeated tiredly.
Jude nodded. “I know it’s not what we’d planned, but we could move to Caprica. My sister lives there, and with our military service, we’d have no trouble getting citizenship. If you just didn’t have to have the trial on Sagittaron.”
Louis sighed and let his fork fall to his plate with a clatter. “I don’t want to take them away from her. I can’t do that to them, or to her, for that matter-and she doesn’t really want to do that to me.”
Jude looked out the window. “What about calling her bluff? And even if she does take you to court over it, you have rights under the Articles. There’s that new Supreme Colonial Appeals Court on Libran.” He added weakly, “I think you’d win.”
Louis looked up from his meal, sure that the utter terror and despair that he’d felt standing beside Susannah’s van was written on his face. “But what if I lost?”
Jude closed his eyes and nodded, as if that was what he had expected all along. He stood up and put his hands on Louis’s shoulders. “Goodbye, Louis.”
“But you don’t understand-”
“No, I do. And that’s why I’m leaving.” Jude said it kindly, though his shoulders slumped. “The worst part is, I don’t blame you at all.” He kissed Louis’s forehead.
“I’m sorry,” Louis whispered as Jude’s lips lingered there.
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. Take care of yourself, Louis.”
When the front door clicked shut and Louis found himself sitting all alone in his kitchen, he remembered the way he’d thought the day would end when he left the message on Susannah’s phone. He imagined the four of them together in the living room, watching a movie: Jordan burrowed in a blanket in the recliner and munching on a bowl of popcorn, Amelia lying on the floor on her stomach and offering a running commentary, and he and Jude together on the couch, maybe even holding hands. The beginnings of a family.
CONTINUE TO PART 2