The Awful(ly Strange) Truth: A (Sort Of) Love Story in Three Acts
ACT ONE: In Which Mr. Gaeta Makes an Evaluation That Will Be Exceedingly Ironic in Retrospect
FADE IN:
INT. GALACTICA CORRIDOR
TIMESTAMP: THREE DAYS BEFORE THE FALL
GAETA and DEE round the corner and come into view, carrying CLIPBOARDS as they make their way toward COMMANDER ADAMA’s quarters for his morning briefing. The corridor is already buzzing with activity; they carefully skirt past a pair of KNUCKLEDRAGGERS fixing a CO2 scrubber, and they’re nearly run over by a gaggle of PILOTS out on a morning run.
GAETA
The Old Man’s not going to be happy about this proposal to network the ship’s computers for the museum.
DEE
No kidding. I’m surprised that public relations guy even made the request. He’s been around the Commander long enough that he should know better.
GAETA
I doubt it was Aaron’s idea. He’s probably just taking orders from his superiors-we know how that is.
DEE
“Aaron”?
(beat)
You two are frakking, aren’t you?
GAETA
(somewhere between embarrassed and annoyed)
Well, who else on this ship am I supposed to be involved with without breaking fraternization regs?
Dee enjoys seeing the normally buttoned-down Gaeta flustered even more than she enjoys gossip, so that alone is enough reason to egg him on.
DEE
“Involved with”? That sounds serious. Are you in love, Lieutenant?
GAETA
(thoroughly flustered)
No! I’m not in love, Petty Officer. Honestly, it’s just frakking.
(beat)
I think I’m gonna break up with him.
DEE
(still teasing)
My gods, you’re touchy. Somebody teasing you a little about hooking up with the award-winner for Caprica’s Worst Dressed Man is all it takes to make you cut and run?
GAETA
No, it’s got nothing to do with that. We don’t really have much in common, which would be okay for just frakking if there wasn’t anything else wrong. But...well, for starters, he’s annoyingly neat.
DEE
There’s some poetic justice to that.
GAETA
(sighs)
I know. And if it was only that, but-you’ve seen his collection of rainbow-colored suede sport coats.
Dee rolls her eyes.
GAETA (cont’d)
He’s really clingy, too. A few days ago, he said he got a call from his sister, and she’d explained to him all about the power of love. He started going off about how love makes you want to die for someone and kill for them and especially make babies with them. He never specifically said anything about how he felt about me, but how he talked combined with the look on his face made it feel like a crazed version of the “what would our dream life together forever be like” conversation.
DEE
He does realize that the making babies part’s going to be a little hard since you’re both men?
GAETA
He must have been drunk, in which case I should probably give him a pass...
DEE
You’ve excused every reason you’ve mentioned for breaking it off. So if it’s really just frakking...you still haven’t answered why you want to end it.
GAETA
(hesitating, then sotto voce)
The sex is...really...the only word I can think of is...mechanical.
DEE
Ah. Cut him loose, sir.
GAETA
(with a hint of his trademark sarcasm)
I’m glad you approve of my private decision concerning my love life which I’d already made, Petty Officer.
Dee whacks him in the arm with her clipboard, and both laugh.
END OF ACT ONE.
ACT II: In Which Mr. Gaeta Shakes Cylons Off His Tail in More Ways Than One, but Irony Catches Up With Him
FADE IN:
INT. GALACTICA HEAD
TIMESTAMP: ONE WEEK AFTER THE FALL
The head is busy-full of crewmembers showering, shaving, brushing their hair and teeth, and generally getting ready for the day. GAETA is standing next to a sink, just finishing up brushing, when DEE sidles up to the neighboring sink, looking in the mirror to pull her hair into a smooth ponytail.
DEE
Good morning, Lieutenant.
GAETA
Good morning, Petty Officer. You’re looking well today.
DEE
Why thank you, sir. You’re looking...well, less like death warmed over than you did before we lost the Cylons.
GAETA
Gee, thanks. You try plotting one hundred ninety-two jumps over six days and see how you look.
Dee and Gaeta exchange a look that communicates “You know I was just joking,” and “Yeah, I know, and I just wanted an excuse to whine a little,” without words.
DEE
Have you had any down-time since what happened with the Olympic Carrier?
GAETA
Not really. There’s still a chance the Cylons might catch up to us again, so the Commander has had me executing as many jumps as possible to put some space between us and them. Tigh finally told me to take a break, so I’m gonna catch some rack time, maybe take care of a few other things....
DEE
“Other things?”
Gaeta doesn’t give her any response, but she has a pretty good idea what he means.
DEE (cont’d)
So, how broken up are you about the public relations guy?
GAETA
Aaron? Well, I’m not broken up about him. He might be about me when I break things off-which, yes, that was the “other things” I was talking about.
DEE
You didn’t hear?
GAETA
Didn’t hear what?
DEE
Well, you don’t have to worry about breaking up with him anymore. Based on the comm traffic I’ve heard, one, Cylons look like us now, two, your boyfriend was a Cylon, and three, we left him on Ragnar.
(beat, looks at Gaeta, concerned)
You okay?
GAETA
(slowly processing through the shock)
He’s a Cylon? As in, a robot?
(thinks for a moment, then surprisingly sincerely)
Actually, that explains a lot.
END OF ACT II.
ACT III: In Which Cylons Catch Up With Messrs. Gaeta and Baltar, and the Ensuing Situation is So Strange That No One is Paying Attention to Irony
FADE IN:
INT. COLONIAL ONE, NEW CAPRICA
TIMESTAMP: FIRST DAY OF CYLON OCCUPATION
PRESIDENT BALTAR stands behind his desk, his cabinet and staff flanking him, all staring at the door. Gaeta, fists and jaw clenched, is right by his side. After what seems like an eternity to them, three CYLONS-BOOMER, CAPRICA SIX, and AARON DORAL-file into the room and stand in a row on the other side of the desk.
BALTAR
I’m Gaius Baltar. President of the Colonies.
Caprica Six looks at Gaius with an expression far more frightening than hatred or anger-it’s full of nearly-obsessive love. Gaius trembles, inwardly wondering if Caprica Six is going to “love” him the way children love favorite stuffed animals-suffocate him and drag him around until he’s nothing but dirty tatters.
CAPRICA SIX
I know who you are, Gaius. I know very well.
Aaron Doral fixes a similarly terrifyingly love-filled gaze on Gaeta, only Aaron, who has never had the same knack for emulating human behavior as Caprica Six, overshoots obsessive and lands somewhere in the realm of demented.
BOOMER
As long as you offer no resistance, you won’t be harmed.
BALTAR
How did you find us?
Boomer opens her mouth to explain, but Doral jumps in before she gets the chance.
DORAL
(staring at Gaeta longingly)
LOVE!
(clears his throat)
Uh, and a radiation signature from a nuke.
BALTAR
(tearing up)
Very well. On behalf of the people of the Twelve Colonies, I surrender.
Caprica Six smiles, and Doral claps his hands together giddily. Gaeta, who has been staring at Doral in abject horror the entire meeting, slides over closer to Baltar.
GAETA
(muttering in Baltar’s ear while watching Caprica Six and Doral celebrate)
I know I should be worried about all of humanity right now, and I am, but...the two of us are in particularly deep shit, aren’t we?
BALTAR
(also watching their Cylon paramours with wide eyes)
Yes, yes we are.
THE END.