Oh, that was just lovely! I think I prefer pining Jayne over pining River. The work he must have put into River’s gift speaks volumes and contradicts his earlier proclamation that he’d was there if she just wanted a tumble. He so wants more than that. : D
It’s nice to see you writing again, it was worth the wait.
“He’d just got to breakfast one morning and seen that she was wearing some tight leather pants like Zoe’s and make up, and damn! Did she look gooooooooood.”
Is it weird that I’ve pictured River in Zoe gear as well?
I'm sorry it's been so long between stories. I have several unfinished ones, but I've just been having a really hard time getting the words down lately... I'm blaming the anti-depressants and that helps ;P
I've always thought that Jayne would be in denial when it comes to love, mistaking it for lust. But he's an "actions speak louder than words" kinda guy, and I thought the effort he put into River's present would be telling.
I think River has three very strong female role models on that ship - Kaylee can teach her to be a girl, Inara a woman, and Zoe a warrior. If River were to embrace her violent abilities, I can see her trying to emulate Zoe who seems to have hers firmly under control.
Or maybe it's just the fact that she'd look darn cute in leather pants, trying to look all tough!
Awwwww!! THat is so cute. If that's not a damn fine birthday present, I don't know what is.
The only crit--whether con or not, you'll have to decide--is for this sentense: she was wearing some tight leather pants like Zoe’s and make up, and damn! Did she look gooooooooood!
You'd get the same effect if you had: "...and damn did she look good!"
THANK YOU!!!! Finally someone gives me concrit! This is exactly the sort of thing I was after.
For some reason my internal grammer alarm was on the total blink this entire story. I had to rewrite several sentances and delete MANY commas during my edits!
Thank you for reading, and I'm glad you liked it. Elsi seems to like it, so overall I'm quite happy!
I think you did really well. Even without dialogue, you can easily see how the characters are in character.
The only concrit I could give would be that you misspelled 'awful' as aweful... unless that's a NZ spelling... And I also think that maybe you ended the sentences with an exclamation point a little too often, but that could just be me.
You're absolutely right about awful! Someone must've accidentally added it into the custom spellcheck at work. I'd swear it wasn't me, but I might be lying as I think it's one of those words I perpetually spell wrong!
Thank you very much for reading and giving me your thoughts. I love hearing from people who I greatly respect as authors. *off to change spelling*
Comments 13
Oh, that was just lovely! I think I prefer pining Jayne over pining River. The work he must have put into River’s gift speaks volumes and contradicts his earlier proclamation that he’d was there if she just wanted a tumble. He so wants more than that. : D
It’s nice to see you writing again, it was worth the wait.
“He’d just got to breakfast one morning and seen that she was wearing some tight leather pants like Zoe’s and make up, and damn! Did she look gooooooooood.”
Is it weird that I’ve pictured River in Zoe gear as well?
Reply
I've always thought that Jayne would be in denial when it comes to love, mistaking it for lust. But he's an "actions speak louder than words" kinda guy, and I thought the effort he put into River's present would be telling.
I think River has three very strong female role models on that ship - Kaylee can teach her to be a girl, Inara a woman, and Zoe a warrior. If River were to embrace her violent abilities, I can see her trying to emulate Zoe who seems to have hers firmly under control.
Or maybe it's just the fact that she'd look darn cute in leather pants, trying to look all tough!
Reply
Excellent fluffy fic!
Reply
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
Of course you still have to check your lj tomorrow, as I'm sure other people will have birthday wishes for you!
Reply
The only crit--whether con or not, you'll have to decide--is for this sentense:
she was wearing some tight leather pants like Zoe’s and make up, and damn! Did she look gooooooooood!
You'd get the same effect if you had: "...and damn did she look good!"
Reply
For some reason my internal grammer alarm was on the total blink this entire story. I had to rewrite several sentances and delete MANY commas during my edits!
Thank you for reading, and I'm glad you liked it. Elsi seems to like it, so overall I'm quite happy!
Reply
The only concrit I could give would be that you misspelled 'awful' as aweful... unless that's a NZ spelling... And I also think that maybe you ended the sentences with an exclamation point a little too often, but that could just be me.
So anyways, good job! It was a good read. :)
Reply
You're absolutely right about awful! Someone must've accidentally added it into the custom spellcheck at work. I'd swear it wasn't me, but I might be lying as I think it's one of those words I perpetually spell wrong!
Thank you very much for reading and giving me your thoughts. I love hearing from people who I greatly respect as authors. *off to change spelling*
Reply
Leave a comment