[Multichapter] The beginning (14/20)
Title: The beginning
Author: tsuchi8562
Beta: syunikiss1990 <-- Thank you so very much!
Banner: andreja1989 <-- Thank you a lot~!
Pairing: SakurAiba
Rating: PG-15 (this chapter)
Genre: AU, psychological, romance, drama
Disclaimer: All I own is plot.
*MASTERPOST*
"Do you always smoke this much?" Ishida's voice came from afar, even though the lawyer was standing quite close. Sakurai shook his head, both to answer on the question and to chase his thoughts away. Sho was standing on his small terrace, waiting when Masaki will stop being interrogated.
"Sakurai-san, unfortunately I am forced to ask you to come with me. Even though the boy is brave and talks about the details I seriously don't want to hear about because they are too terrifying, he tries too hard. I am afraid he will have an anxiety attack soon. I believe he will be calmer when you are around."
"Are you sure he will be calmer with me there?" The editor whispered not trusting his own voice. He wanted to be there and protect Masaki but at the same time he didn't want to listen the whole story from his perspective. It definitely will be more and more painful than hearing it from Matsumoto.
"He trusts you. It definitely will be fine if you are with him." The lawyer smiled gently and left the terrace, leaving Sho with his own thoughts and giving him time to make a decision. What else could Sakurai do? There was no choice. He couldn't leave the younger one to bear this weight alone. He took a few deep breaths and slowly shuffled to their bedroom, trying to smile so Masaki won't be so scared. The editor sat in the corner of the room, out of the teenager's sight but close enough to make the latter feel his presence. Ishida continued his interrogation, which looked more like a chitchat about some late night drama.
"Masaki, can we continue our conversation?" The youngest in the room gave a nod as reply. "You said you weren't treated bad as a child. Kurokawa-san never beat you, scold you, or hurt you in any way?"
"No. Guardian was always good. He scolded me only when I had done something wrong."
"Can you give me an example? What do you mean by something wrong?
"I remember I broke a lamp once... I ran and tripped, hitting a small table it was standing on. It just fell and I didn't manage to catch it. He scolded me and I wasn't allowed to get out of my room for three days."
"Can you tell me a different situation? Just to show me the full picture..." Ishida noted practically every word that left the latter's mouth, even though he recorded their conversation. Masaki sighed and talked about his childhood in this monster's house. For Sakurai's surprise, it wasn't much different from normal parent-child relationship. Masaki was raised to be responsible, careful, respectful and polite. Of course some of the qualities he was taught were strange and pointed more or less clearly for what purpose he was prepared for but all in all nothing was out of frames of normal family. Until...
"He changed when I was around twelve... When I started to ask about differences between boys and girls, when I wanted to make friends and go to school. I learned about all of that from TV. Guardian became stricter then and that was the first time he explained to me who I am."
"And who were you?"
"I was his pet. He trained me for some higher purpose..." The teenager sighed and explained in details who he was raised for. Sho had to fight the urge to cover his ears, as he didn't want to listen to all of that, hearing the pain in his beloved one's voice. He wanted to hug him and protect him from the world but he couldn't. The trial and this confession had to be made, to close the scariest chapter of Masaki's life. Without that he won't be able to start anew.
"Okay, I think it's enough for today. I will back in two days, so we can continue." Ishida smiled gently and packed his notes in big leather bag. Sakurai walked the lawyer to the door and set their next meeting. When the editor came back to the bedroom, the younger one was sitting in the same position, looking down at his own hands. Right now there was nothing that could stop Sho from hugging him tight and stroking his hair. Neither of them said a word, just staying close to each other in silence. Finally the older one broke this unbearable muteness.
"Do you want some tea?" He whispered, knowing this was probably the stupidest question he could ask right now.
"I'll make it..." Masaki said quietly and wanted to get up, but Sakurai stopped him.
"No. I will make you cup of chamomile tea and you will rest. You've done enough for today." The older man smiled and placed a soft kiss on the latter's forehead. He got up and walked to the kitchen slowly, emptying his mind from any thoughts that made him do stupid things. Sho knew well that if he thinks about the younger one's past a bit longer, he will be ready to go to the court with a loaded gun and shoot Kurokawa's brain out, not caring about consequences.
"Sho-chan?" Masaki's voice sounded really close.
"Hmm?"
"Thank you. You know.... Just... thank you." The teenager sounded sad and tired, but that was normal in this situation. All Sakurai could do right now to at least try to distract him from the memories and let him rest. The editor placed steamy cup in front of the latter and sat in front of him in silence. He simply didn't know what to say and because of that he felt useless and pathetic. He took a deep breath and rubbed his face.
"I'm sorry." Masaki whispered, not looking up from behind his beloved red cup.
"No! God, Masaki, you have no reason to apologize. I am not mad, at least not at you. You didn't do anything wrong."
"I did. I fell for you and made you love me... And now we will break up just after the trial. I... I just can't predict the consequences of my acting. And for that I owe you apologies." The teenager said it, looking straight at the man in front of him. Since when did he become so grown up? What happened? Sho lost words, not able to utter even monosyllable, surprised and shocked. "Thank you for the tea."
"Y-you're welcome..." Sakurai whispered and coughed, cleaning his throat. Every single part of his mind was telling him this was the best moment to talk about their future but his heart said something quite opposite. Giving the teenager more pain at this moment was the worst from every possible ones. Ohno once said him to turn off his brain, but should he apply this advice in this case? Masaki decided for him.
"Sho-chan... After the trial I will move out. I... will go to a place for people like me, to learn how to be an adult. I will learn how to become somebody you won't be afraid to love." The younger one wiped off a tear that magically appeared on his cheek. Sho couldn't do anything but agree and support this decision. He knew very well this was the only good solution even before Matsumoto crashed into his office with those revelations. If Sakurai was aware of that, then why his heart hurts so much right now?
"Masaki... I understand what you want to do and I respect that but... Listen, what you have just said means you are adult enough to understand what I want to say. I don't want you to do all of this for me. This should be done only for your own sake. Cut me out of the picture." The older man sighed and leaned back in his chair. He didn't want to be removed from the latter's life but he knew very well it was necessary. Masaki should focus on himself, without any distractions.
"I don't want to cut you out! You can visit me from time to time... I... I want to show you how hard I will be working... I need you..." The teenager took a deep breath and Sho saw clearly he tries really hard not to cry. Sakurai stood up, walked to the latter and knelt in front of him.
"Masaki, I won't stop loving you, even if you are away. I can promise you that. And because I love you very much, I can't interfere in your healing process. I will be only a reminder of your horrible past and that's the last thing you need. You have to fight by yourself." Even if the editor tried to talk with the gentlest voice, the teenager got upset. He breathed slowly and deeply and his chin started to tremble, not understanding what the older one had said. Masaki got up and dashed to the bedroom and jumped in bed, hiding under the blanket. Sho decided to let him be, believing that his presence will only make things worse. Sakurai took few days off just to make sure he will protect the younger one with all of his might and instead he made him suffer even more. But on the other hand Masaki was the one who decided to leave and get better. He was the one who knew he has to change, even though his motives were wrong. Should he keep bugging him with the right point of view on the clinic or leave it be, to let him get to the truth?
"I am not a psychologist..." Sho whispered and leaned his forehead on the chair, as he was still kneeling. He closed his eyes and recalled the time when he found the lost boy on that clearing, dirty, wet and cold. Many months had passed since that time, many things happened, many feelings were born. However what was the most important right now was Masaki's sake. Even if it hurts at the beginning, with passing time he will understand that parting is a good decision. Should he repeat that he will keep on loving him then? Will he be able to do that, knowing the younger one will change? Will he still love him then?
***
Thursday came faster than usually. Those two days flew by with the speed of light and the lawyer Ishida was sitting in front of Masaki, asking him questions. Sakurai was sitting in the same place as before, hesitating between listening to Masaki and switching his conscious off, just not to hear those awful things.
"Masaki, I know it is hard and really painful but remember that the judge has to hear the whole truth. Can you tell me about the punishment you received, just not long before you managed to escape?" The lawyer asked gently. He didn't push the teenager to talk, waiting patiently until he will be ready to speak. For longer time the silence filled the air, making it thicker with each passing second. After a while which seemed to be at least an age, the younger one started to talk, quietly and with trembling voice. Yet no tear fell on his cheek.
"I was sitting in the living room, on the floor. I wasn't allowed to sit anywhere else there, because Takayuki didn't sit on chairs. I was forced to eat strawberry pudding... I hate strawberry pudding... I hate being Takayuki..." Masaki became smaller and clenched his hands on the edge of his red sweatshirt. "I just couldn't handle anymore... He called me his precious Takayuki-kun and I shouted that I am not him. That I am Masaki who likes chairs and prefers vanilla pudding. Who doesn't like cold milk and likes to be taken care of... Guardian got mad and hit me..."
"Take your time..." Ishida whispered. Sho tensed and moved few inches closer, hoping the youngest in the room will feel his warmth and calm down.
"Next day he took me to this big room, where I couldn't see before. He had said before that was an honor to get inside that chamber, that it means he trusts me, but... But it wasn't anything like that. It was a test. I was supposed to like everything what they were doing to me... But they were brutal, it hurt so much... Fighting which one will take me first... And he watched... I couldn't cry, it got worse then. All I could do was smile and..."
"Is it enough for today?" Sakurai said quietly yet firmly, seeing the latter was already broken in pieces. Nobody seemed to listen to him, as Masaki continued.
"When it was over he spit on me... Said I didn't try hard enough... I knew I disappointed him. I wasn't good enough to be taken care of by him. I was a bad pet... So I escaped. And I promised I will become a better pet for my next guardian..." The teenager held his breath and bit his lower lip. Behind him Sho did the same, looking at Ishida and wondering if he suspects anything but fortunately the lawyer didn't find teenager's reply as weird or awkward. Instead, he frowned and sighed loudly, noting something down again.
"Tell me do you know Ninomiya-san?" The oldest man in the room asked, looking straight at the younger one. Masaki frowned, as if he tried to recall the name and shook his head in the end, not recognizing anybody with this name. Ishida looked at Sakurai, a bit surprised and continued.
"You don't remember a boy, around fifteen years older, who lived in the same house?"
"You mean Guardian's son? I know him, but he has different name... He was good to me most of the times. Last time I saw him was few days before that day..." The teenager said quietly and shifted a bit, trying to find more comfortable position. Sakurai coughed to let the lawyer know that he thinks it's enough for today. How many things Masaki should say to make the fact he was hurt by that monster obvious? Ishida closed his notebook and called it a day. The editor walked Ishida to his car, settling the last details of the trial which was about to take place exactly in a week.
"Sakurai-san, I am afraid that to put this... creature... behind bars for a long time, Masaki will need to talk with a bit more details. No matter how cruel this sounds, we must make people feel very sorry for him. Fortunately we will have Ninomiya-san's testimony as well and he knows a lot, so Masaki won't have to describe anything drastic..."
"Ishida-sensei, I am aware I will have to testify as well. Do you have any tips for me? What should or shouldn't I say?"
"Just tell the truth. They won't ask you about anything you don't know, just only about things that happened after you found Masaki. Don't worry, it will be fine. I will make sure Kurokawa won't see sunlight, only through the bars. Now excuse me, I need to get back to office."
"Thank you." Sakurai bowed and slowly got back to the apartment. For the first time in at least few weeks he felt calm and peaceful, probably because everything was getting near the end. Kurokawa will get his punishment, Masaki will get help and become a man he should have been ling time ago, Ninomiya will be able to start anew without his depressions and crazy ideas and he... Exactly... What Sho will do? He will be left alone, with his work as his lover, waiting for the teenager to grow up, without guarantee he will be still loved by Masaki. Should he really wait, no matter what? What if the younger one changes so much, Sakurai won't recognize him? What if everything he loves in him right now disappears? Or even worse, what if Masaki stops loving him? What if he simply states that he needs something different from his life and cuts all connection with the editor?
"What if, what if, what if..." Sho murmured while opening apartment's door. The younger one was sitting in the same position, in the same place, staring at the floor in silence. Just as if he was waiting for another crushing question, not noticing the lawyer was long gone. He was preparing for almost physical strike, without any fear.
"Masaki, are you alright?"
"Leave me alone." This was begging. The younger one apparently wanted to be alone but Sakurai was too worried to give up just yet.
"Are you sure, I can stay with you and..."
"Just go..." Masaki whispered, fighting with his tears. The editor just nodded and closed the door to the bedroom. Passing by the coffee table he grabbed his last cigarette and shuffled to the terrace. He understood that teenager wanted to be alone and he didn't want to show his tears, probably to show how strong he is. But Sho felt rejected and some evil voice in the back of his head was trying to convince him that nursing this feeling was in fact good idea. This will help him recover when the man he loves will disappear from his life. Even though he promised he will wait and that his feelings won't change, slowly he started to accept that this doesn't have to be enough. He wasn't getting any younger and he hated being alone and lonely. Masaki reminded him how good is to be with someone you can share everything with, from your thoughts, words, heart to your body.
What have I done? Sho thought while inhaling bitter smoke. He stopped smoking few years ago, just like that, when his friend asked him to do so but recently the stress he had needed to be released. The only way the editor knew was to inhale some nicotine in his lungs and slowly exhale. This calmed him down and somehow cleared his thoughts. Of course, he was stinking with tobacco but he couldn't care less about that. Masaki moved away from him and somehow naturally they were sleeping separately again. Wasn't that another proof he was indeed rejected?
"Fuck..." Sakurai whispered while putting down stub in already full ashtray. His heart started to pound loudly without any rhythm, Sho could clearly feel fluttering. His lungs shrunk, he couldn't take a decent breath and that made the world spin around, showing aurora of colors, mixing in front of him. This was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, well maybe except Masaki's face.
"Sho?!" A distant voice reached the editor and all he could do, was to sit on cold tiles and leaned against the wall, trying to locate the source of the familiar sound. "Sho, are you alright? Look at me, please... Are you okay?"
"Yes, it's fine. I just got very sleepy..." The older man smiled and looked at worried face of the man he loved. Slowly he managed to breathe normally again and his heartbeat returned to normal as well.
"You should go to the doctor... You're pale and sweaty... Come on, let me help you go inside..." Masaki pulled up the latter and escorted him to the couch, sitting next to him and checking if he doesn't have any fever.
"I am fine, don't worry..." Sho moved away a bit and took a gulp of cold water from the glass from the coffee table. With no particular reason, he felt uncomfortable, as of he was invading the other man's personal space; as if it was better for him to disappear.
"Sho... Come back to me... Sleep with me, please..." Masaki pleaded, moving closer and grabbing the older man's hand.
"I stink like ashtray and you don't like that..."
"I don't mind... Just come back, okay? I can't sleep without you..." The last part of the sentence was whispered. Sakurai frowned and squeezed teenager's hand and pulled him in tight embrace. How the hell he could even think he was rejected?!
"I will take a bath then. Hopefully it will take at least most of the stink away..." Sho winked and got up slowly, still afraid the room will start spinning. When he was near the door, the younger one's voice stopped him.
"Nee, Sho?"
"Yes?"
"I love you. I really do."
"Good. Because I love you too."
Maybe waiting is not a bad idea in the end?