[Multi-chapter] How can I love (1/??)
Title: How can I love
Author: tsuchi8562
Beta: geminib <-- Thank you so very much!
Pairing: SakurAiba (main), Aimiya, JunBa (friendship), Juntoshi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Drama
*MASTERPOST*
Masaki lied down on the floor and looked at the cell phone. It was quarter past two and he needed to get ready for the morning interview regarding his latest trip to Taiwan. He should get up in two hours, so he was thinking is it worth it to go to sleep in the first place. Aiba was sure that he won’t be able to sleep, not after the thing he heard from the man he secretly loved for over four years now; from Sho. The last spark of hope seemed to fade away and he felt a slight pain in his chest - a typical and a normal symptom of upcoming tears. Masaki hated those tears; they always made him weak with puffy eyes and many questions from the other members, especially Jun. He was his friend, but sometimes Aiba had enough of the interrogation. Closing his eyes, he recalled the beginning of his suffering.
***
He didn’t even remember the exact date when he realized that he loves Sakurai. It happened so naturally and spontaneous; you can even say that Masaki had fallen asleep thinking of Sho like a friend and the next day he woke up with certainty that it had to be definitely something more that friendship. However it didn’t matter; the most important fact was that he felt like this for the first time in his life. Of course, he knew well about his own sexual orientation and he had few minor ‘relationships’ but this time it was different. Previously he looked only for physical closeness and now he wanted to spend every single minute with Sakurai and he would do anything to make him happy. Aiba felt like a high school girl having a crush over her senpai, looking at him with admiration, but is too shy or scared to confess. Matsumoto laughed at that and it sometimes made Masaki angry, but because Jun was the only person who knew about his little secret, the tallest Arashi’s member was still confiding.
The youngest in the group was his best friend and Aiba was sure that he can share all of his problems with him without worrying about anything. Jun was in a relationship with Ohno and Masaki was really happy looking at them all lovey-dovey but at the same time he was envious. It was normal and obvious so neither the couple complained, especially when Aiba didn’t really give them a reason; he was just watching them from time to time with the look of hurt dreamy eyes and smiled politely. Matsumoto of course, advised his friend to confess to Sakurai, but Masaki wasn’t ready. This resistance admitting that he loved Sho wasn’t a result of simple shyness; it was more complicated, not to say delicate. The rapper wasn’t saint; he had some one night stands, or even one month relationships from time to time, but that wasn’t the point. It was normal that a healthy man needs sex. But what was worrying Aiba the most was the fact, that all of Sakurai’s partners were women. To be honest the matter of Arashi’s member love choices wasn’t a secret; they were friends and when they had time and willingness they chatted about their private lives a little. That’s why everybody knew that Matsumoto and the leader are together; that Nino is sleeping around sometimes, without caring about which sex his partner is representing and that Sakurai sleeps only with women. The last fact was most definitely important for Masaki, who refrained from any physical contact with anyone since he found out his true feelings. This state lasted for around 4 years now, but in this case time couldn’t let him forget, probably because he was seeing him every day at work. Aiba got used to the situation; he was looking at Sho maybe with a little too shiny eyes than he should, but he learned to act normally, with his usual silly answers, clumsiness, cute laugh and warm smile; smile that appeared only on his face. Deep inside he slowly became indifferent on everything that surrounded him, especially when he was receiving some date proposals. He hated that the most, because he wanted to reject them in polite way and at the same time he had to show his friends - especially Sho - that he was a normal guy who likes to meet with other people from time to time.
The tallest Arashi’s member wasn’t sure whether Sakurai knows about his preferences; Aiba himself didn’t talked about it much with anybody, even with his closest friend - Matsumoto, even though it was him who helped Masaki to discover his true self. To keep the appearances that he dates, he rarely agreed on going out with someone, not looking at sex of the person. It didn’t really matter, because Aiba didn’t intend to meet them anymore in the future.
The abeyance lasted for several years and Masaki felt quite OK with that, crying at lonely nights when his sadness overwhelmed him. With passing months those nights stopped coming often and he decided to focus on the work. He was working as hard as he could; his friends even asked him to rest more, however the only answer he had for this was, that he was perfectly fine. Unfortunately, the time that changed everything came suddenly.
One day the rapper came to the studio, mad like the devil itself and sat on the couch without a word. He didn’t even read his newspaper, which was almost his ritual.
“Sho-kun, are you OK?” Aiba asked shyly, worrying about the person he loved.
“No. I’m not OK. Leave me alone.” Sakurai hissed and it seemed that he won’t say another word. Masaki wanted to drill down the subject, but in the end he didn’t say a thing.
“You can be angry but don’t take out your frustrations on Aiba-chan. He only wanted to help…”
“I know… Aiba-chan, forgive me…” Sho sighed. “It’s just that it happened again…”
“What?” Masaki looked straight on his friend.
“The thing is that the girl I am currently… dating… imagined some things. Even if I clearly and plainly told her that the last thing I need is love she fell in love with me. Now I have to break her heart and become ‘that asshole’ again… Fucking troublesome…”
The silence that filled the room was heavy. Everyone knew about rapper’s ‘customs’, but it was the first time they heard those words from him. Jun watched Masaki closely but didn’t notice anything disturbing; however that didn’t calmed him. The tallest Arashi’s member was well known for his amazing ability hiding his feelings somewhere deep inside. He became master in that throughout the years.
Meanwhile Sakurai continued.
“Is it really hard to understand that I don’t need love? It’s far too time-consuming and I have more important things to focus on. I swear, I’ll hit the next person who will tell me that she loves me…”
That was too much to bear for Aiba; he stood up and went quickly to the bathroom. After a couple of minutes Jun knocked on the cabin's door, hearing some almost inaudible sniffing.
“Are you allright?” No response. “Aiba-chan, are you okay? Hey, let me in… We can talk and…”
“Jun, just leave me alone…”
The youngest band member sighed and after a while went back to the rest of Arashi and Masaki could finally cry peacefully.
***
That event took place around a week ago and slowly Aiba started to get used to the new situation. This time he was sure that he needs to forget or he will get hurt even more. Sighing, he looked at the clock; it's hands showed exactly half past three and that meant, he needs to go out in thirty minutes. The perspective of working all day after sleepless night wasn’t that scary, he's done it many times already. Sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee, he read some materials for the interview. It’ll be a tough day.