[Multi-chapter] How can I love (11/14)
Title: How can I love
Author: tsuchi8562
Beta: geminib <-- Thank you so very much!
Pairing: SakurAiba (main), Aimiya, JunBa (friendship), Juntoshi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Drama
*MASTERPOST*
I am probably the most confused person on earth right now. I, Sakurai Sho who graduated Keio University, who is eloquent and knows a lot, am puzzled and don’t know what should I do right now. Maybe this… diary… will help me? When I will analyze everything, from the beginning, maybe I will understand?
It all stared… I don’t know when exactly. For my whole life I liked girls… From my first love - a foreigner girl in a kindergarten… Yes, I always thought that I am straight and I didn’t even consider any other option. After I entered the jimusho and learned about the rules… Nothing changed… But I really can’t catch that particular day, that certain moment when I started to feel something… strange… I couldn’t define it back then and I can’t do it now either. Anyway, even if I can’t see the day when it all begun, I remember the time when I started to think about it. I was around 16 and after some rehearsal I noticed that I am often staring at Aiba-chan strangely. Too often… I remember what I felt then, it was some kind of fascination. Back then (and till now… more exactly until Masaki’s confession) I thought that it was a simple admiration for his hard work. This guy is really pushing himself too hard sometimes to be good in his work. I remember when during shooting PV for ‘Mada minu sekai e” Nino had to hold him to make him stop practicing the routine. Somehow this state was lasting without any changes for quite long time and it burst when Aiba-chan had to be hospitalized for a long time. I remember being worried to death… We were around 19 years old and the thought that it can be something more that a simple friendship hit me for the first time. That time, and until now, Masaki was really close to Jun, they were talking a lot and it was obvious that they are best friends. I have no idea if they… slept together or not, but that’s not my business… I remember that one time I decided to talk with Jun about my… feelings… but I withdrew in the end. I didn’t know myself what I am thinking about it, so how could I explain it to somebody else? The more, that I still couldn’t name the state of my heart at that time.
So I started to look around carefully. I decided that maybe if I will see how this “kind” of friendship looks like, I will understand more, but in this business everything is only an appearance, so I stopped paying any attention to it. That didn’t make the strange heart-beat race in my chest every time I saw Aiba-chan, disappear. But at that time I began my studies, plus I had “Kizarazu Cat’s Eye” shooting, so my mind was weather focused on work/studies or it was turned off. When I woke up I saw that some people are walking around Masaki, trying to catch his attention. No wonder, Aiba-chan is a real beauty…
I just looked in the mirror and saw that I am smiling like a dull… What exactly that means?! I am in love? Love? Love…
I just said it out loud… Am I crazy!?
I wasn’t jealous at that time, even when I saw Aiba-chan dating some other men. I didn’t feel a thing back then… Or at least I think so… It is a fact that back then I dated more than ever, but can it be for this reason? Probably… I am not sure though… And then this all happened… I decided to give a try to “this kind” of love. I don’t want to even think about how it happened, how I found a man who promised to help me with… experiencing it.
All I will write is that it hurt. Burned and I didn’t want it to continue, so I escaped. I spent two hours in a tub… I didn't want any man to touch me since then.
Maybe except Aiba-chan? Yes, definitely except him. Sometimes I am catching myself on dreaming about his hands on me… After his confession those dreams are coming more often… I am waking up sweaty and I can’t calm my breath down… I should do something about it… Confess maybe? But how? When I am not sure what it is? The last thing I want is to hurt him. That’s why I didn’t made any move. But now, when I know that he has some feelings for me, when I saw how beautiful the love between men can be, I shouldn’t waste any more time. I wanna try, that’s a fact. I just need to explain everything to Aiba-chan, calmly and delicately. Without a rush. I want him to teach me everything…
I just hope that there is nothing going on between him and Nino… Their recent “dates” or how can I call it, were a bit disturbing. I know the brat very well and I can bet that there is no deeper feeling from his side. I will have to talk with him about it… Yes, I’ll do it before I will talk with Aiba-chan. Then I will talk with Masaki. I have no idea how I should do it, but I will. I just hope he will understand.