[Multi-chapter] Change (16/??)
Title: Change
Authors: syunikiss1990 & tsuchi8562
Bet: andreja1989 ArigaPYON~!
Pairing: SakurAiba, Aimiya (friendship), Yama (friendship), Junba (friendship)
Genre: AU, Romance, Drama, School
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: They are not ours, they belong to themselves...
*MASTERPOST*
What have I done? I m a monster.
Those words were echoing in his mind like some kind of scary mantra, louder and louder with passing time. Sho didn't even notice when he pulled on some clothes and sat under the window, staring at the floor. The image of Masaki’s face when he was taking him was so painful that Sakurai wanted to tear his heart out. He can’t think about it; it was way too excruciating to simply bear it, that’s why he made sure that his mind will be empty. No thought, no image or even no feeling will hit him. The boy didn't want to remind himself how badly he hurt the person he loved the most. Sakurai just shut his mind off and kept sitting in one spot until darkness surrounded him. The student opened his eyes and saw the blackness covering him like a blanket. He was alone and even when he wanted to yell something, no sound was audible. No matter where he walked, all he could see was the tenebrosity.
Sudden, loud thump made his body shake. He didn't want to open his eyes, feeling exhausted and being aware that he won’t see anything anyway, but the sound repeated again and again. It didn't want to stop, so Sho slowly crawled to the door, pulled himself up growling from huge pain in muscles through all of his body and spine. After opening them he looked at somehow familiar face on the other side.
"Sakurai-kun, what happened?" Ohno was pale and he sure looked worried. Without letting the latter answer the doctor came in and sat on the chair, looking at Sho.
"I'm sorry, Sensei... It seems I overslept...” The student looked behind the window and saw the dimmed light of the street lanterns. “I'll go to school tomorrow... Somehow I didn’t feel that well today..." The boy glued fake smile on his face and started to prepare tea nervously, trying hard not to break the cups.
"Sakurai-kun today is Friday... You weren't at school for whole two days. I called doctor Tanaka, to Kobe because I thought that something had happened and maybe you went there to visit your... That woman… They didn't know a thing so I came here because I was worried."
"I'm fine... Sensei... I'm..." Sho didn't know what to say. He was afraid that Satoshi, the only person who knows the truth won't understand. How normal person could understand the thing he did to a boy he loved the most? And because of that he was left alone, again… Again the past was haunting him. "She did it again, she destroyed my life again..."
"Who?"
"Kumiko... She did it... Even if she is far away, she managed to do it again..."
"Sakurai-kun what are you talking about?"
"I lost him... He was mine and then..." Sho bit his lower lip and held his breath. The boy told the doctor everything he did and just then all emotions hit him with knocking down power. Sakurai knelt and started to sob so hard he couldn't breathe. The doctor remained silent and looked at his patient without any feelings written on his face. The student didn't dare to look at the older man, slowly calming down.
"You know that it could be considered as..." Ohno couldn't say the word that soon after left Sakurai's throat.
"Rape... Don' be afraid to say it... She did it again, destroyed..."
"Sho-kun, she is not here anymore. She is not controlling your life anymore, at least not that much as before. You are responsible for your acts. I hoped you have understood it already."
The boy looked at the latter and gasped. Satoshi was right. Kumiko didn't have any power now; she didn't force him to hurt anyone. Of course the issue with her addiction must have been kept as a secret and it was a main reason why Sho lost his friends but it definitely wasn't a reason of what he had done to Masaki. The older student met Aiba after the woman was locked in the clinic. He could feel lonely and thus possessive but not to that sick level!
"Sensei, I want to be alone right now..." The boy muttered and sat on the chair. Suddenly everything he had done was clear and terrifying at the same time.
"Sakurai-kun I don't think it is a good idea." Ohno looked at the latter and sighed. He had a bad feeling about this entire situation. What if Aiba's parents called the police? They should, it is a natural reaction. But then this boy's life will be broken. Satoshi thought he should talk with Masaki, but not now; the boy has friends so probably now he is safe. Sho - quite opposite.
"I want to be alone. Please..." The student repeated and looked at the doctor. He looked calmer but Ohno was still hesitating. "I will be fine, so don't worry."
"You know my number, right? Call me whenever you want, no matter what time, ok?"
"I will, thank you." Sakurai smiled weakly and said goodbye to the older man, locking the door after Ohno left. On second thought he opened the lock and went to the kitchen. The apartment was unbearably quiet so Sho turn on the radio, hearing the hated tune. In the end I'm alone, huh? And it's only my fault... Without thinking he quickly grabbed the knife and pressed the blade to his wrist. The boy stood like that for some time that seemed to be eternity, looking at the shiny metal and recalling Masaki's face in his mind. The smiled one, not the one he saw the last time. He wanted to make the smile appear on that face again. Sho's hands started to shake, his whole body seemed to shout "DO IT!!! " but in the end he threw the knife to the sink.
"Living with the thing I did as my onus will be my punishment." The boy said to himself, staring at his hands. "I promise I'll make it up to you, though we will never see each other again, ne? I love you Masaki... I really do."
Some imp inside his head answered with Aiba's voice:
"I still love you Sho..."
____
"Masaki... Don't leave me. I'm not a monster, I'm really not."
"No, Sho-chan... Let me go!"
Sweating heavily Aiba sat up in his bed, looking around a bit disorientated. His rapid beating heart slowly calmed down when he saw he was home, the daylight coming through his closed curtains. Coughing slightly he lay back down, cursing his own mind for showing him those images. A soft knock on his door made him slightly jumpy but he relaxed when his mother peeked through the small opening.
"Are you okay honey? I thought I heard you scream."
"I'm fine mom, just a nightmare." His mother stepped inside with a worried smile on her face. She sat down on his bed, her hand on his forehead.
"You are still warm. Do you need anything? Something to drink? Eat?"
"Can I have some juice? My throat feels dry." His mother smiled.
"Of course honey. I'll be right back." His mother stood up and left his room, leaving Masaki alone. Sighing he closed his eyes, coughing softly after. Before he could think of anything his mother already returned with a small tray in her hands. She gave him a small cup which he immediately recognized as the bitter medicine he had to take from her.
"I don't want to, it's gross." He pouted but his mother looked at him with a scolding look.
"Think of that before you go running in the cold rain next time. Drink up." Frowning Masaki drank up his medicine, quickly drinking some juice after to get rid of the taste. His mother smiled.
"Need anything else?" Masaki shook his head.
"I'm fine, thanks mom."
"Okay, call me when you change your mind." She gave him a soft kiss on his forehead and left him alone again. For a moment Masaki stared at the closed door before he curled up beneath his blankets again. For the first time in his life he was happy he was sick. He didn't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything. He knew it wasn't the right thing to do but he just wanted to stay alone with his thoughts for a while. Even though he tried to forget what happened and tried to ban every thought about Sho out of his mind his nightmares kept reminding him. If he would be at school like this right now others would worry and that was the last thing he wanted. His heart clenched together when he thought about the older boy, mixed feelings still fighting for their place. He was still extremely mad at him, not understanding how his sempai could even consider doing what he had done to him. It hurt so much it still made him cry right now. At the same time he felt guilty, Sho's words still echoing in his mind.
"I didn't want anyone to be close but you came anyway."
It was true, Sho had warned him and pushed him away at first. But because of his own stubbornness he got himself in this situation now. It was his fault Sho was acting like this, he had forced his shell open. In a sudden anger he threw off his blankets, tears streaming down his face. It still wasn't an excuse to make things right! It still wasn't an excuse to treat him like that! Shivering against the cold he tiptoed around his room, turning on his TV to hopefully get some distraction. He would go insane if he would have to stay in this silence, his own misery slowly consuming him.
Like he expected the TV didn't give him the distraction he wanted. It hadn't used for the past days, of course it wouldn't work now either. Every single show he watched reminded him of either the good times he had with Sho or what had happened. In the end he found himself staring blankly at the screen, his mind somewhere far away where he didn't want to be at all. He jumped up in surprise when his door opened with a loud bang, Ninomiya stepping inside who winced when he heard Aiba's mother yell something. Pulling up his shoulders he closed the door again before turning back towards his friend who just stared at him.
"Apparently I should have considered you were asleep but you aren't so I don't see the problem." Nino smiled widely and lifted the bag in his hands. "I was supposed to bring homework but that's boring and you still have the whole weekend for that so I brought snacks and games instead. What do you think?" His friend grinned widely and set up everything. Aiba sighed deeply, not sure if he had to thank his friend or not. He could still use distraction but at the same time he could feel how careful his friend was. Of course he would be, he knew how terrified his friend had been the moment he showed up at his house. Luckily Kazunari had listened to him when he begged not to tell anyone what had happened, even though he had wanted to drag Masaki to the police the morning after. Shaking his head to get the images out of his head again he tried to play along with the game cheerfully. He wanted to show his friend he was fine but of course he couldn't fool the younger boy.
"Aiba-chan, are you okay?"
"The fever is almost gone; I'm starting to feel much better."
"You know that's not what I'm talking about..." Aiba sighed and looked at the controller in his hands.
"I'll get better. It just needs some time I guess."
"Aiba-chan, I... Wouldn't it be better if you talked to someone about it? I can see how it is consuming you. Did you tell your parents yet?" Aiba's knuckles turned white from grabbing the controller too hard. He didn't want to think what would happen with Sho if he would tell what happened. Breathing heavily he tried to calm down.
"Masaki..." Wide eyed Aiba looked up.
"Don't! Don't call me by that name!" He felt his body start shaking. It was almost like he could hear Sho's voice coming through his friend's plea. Confused Nino looked at him, not knowing what he had to do. When he reached out to comfort his friend the taller boy only started to shake even more.
"Aiba-chan please. This isn't normal, let someone help you."
"Can you leave me alone Nino? I... I just need to be alone for a while, that's all. I'll be fine." For a moment it looked like Nino was going to protest against it but in the end he just sighed.
"Call me when you need me okay?" Aiba nodded, his eyes not leaving his hands until he heard the door close. Tears slowly dripped down his face but he didn't even bother wiping them away. It didn't make any sense. His feelings were completely mixed up in a way he didn't understand anymore. His trust was completely smashed; he was hurt in one of the worst ways possible. But then why... why did he still love Sho so much?