[Multi-chapter] Change (17/??)
Title: Change
Authors: tsuchi8562
Bet: andreja1989 ArigaPYON~!
Pairing: SakurAiba, Aimiya (friendship), Yama (friendship), Junba (friendship)
Genre: AU, Romance, Drama, School
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: They are not ours, they belong to themselves...
*MASTERPOST*
Sho got used to the thought that he will be expelled from school. He didn't attend the classes for a week now, sat alone in his apartment and tried to analyze everything that Ohno has told him. Kumiko wasn't the guilty one anymore. He was set free when she got to the clinic in Kobe. Even though there still was a leash the woman held in her hand, most of the time he was able to make his own decisions. What has he done to Masaki was only his fault, there were no doubts. Then, were there any other things he did wrong even though he had a moral responsibility to let it go? All of his fights, losing his friends... Was it also his fault? Probably yes, in a tiny part. Even though Sho couldn't tell anyone about his family situation, that was a fact. He also didn't want to lie to anyone. But not telling the truth is also a lie, right?
Fighting with his thoughts he decided to show up at school. Not that anyone missed him but he had to distract his mind from showing him those awful pictures. Yes, Masaki's face was haunting him. Aiba's look when he was hurting him... The older student hit the wall with his fist and screamed out of despair. He felt like a beast that should be either held in a cage or killed. Sakurai tried the second option but decided to live in pain after that incident. The boy couldn't use any other word to describe the thing he did; referring to it as the incident. Using the right word just made him want to grab the knife again.
"I... want to see you smile again... I love you…" Sho whispered to the picture they made quite some time ago, while getting back from Masaki's grandmother's house. The taller boy was smiling, gentle blush painted his cheek when Sakurai unexpectedly kissed his cheek. "If you tell me to disappear, I will." Sho sighed and grabbed his bag, dashing to the school. Everything seemed to be the same. Teachers didn't seem to notice his absence; other students as always were ignoring him. Sakurai was really concentrated on the lesson, surprised he understood a lot even though he didn't go to school for so long.
The boy was fully focused on the classes but the time he was the most scared of came… The cursed lunch break. He had two options; he could go to the gym and eat there, as usually. Masaki won’t come there anyway; he was too scared of the older boy to go there. But at the same time Sho didn’t want to go to the gym because of too many memories connected with that place. Second option was not eating at all or joining the others on the roof, but he would have to do something for the half an hour and wandering around the school without any particular destination could be dangerous. Not that he cared though, he would like to be beaten now after the terrible thing he has done. Physical pain was nothing, comparing what he felt deep inside, but as he promised himself, he will live with the burden as his punishment.
“I guess I have no choice after all…” Sakurai whispered to himself and slowly went to the gym, sitting on the usual place. The student opened his bento box and took a bite of onigiri, chewing it without a rush. Sho wasn’t hungry at all and practically he was eating only because his mind was telling him he should. The silence was piercing his heart; he already got used to the younger boy’s voice and cute laugh. The older student started to look around, remembering the good times he has spent here with the person he loved the most, smiling gently to the pictures his memories were showing him and suddenly he froze, smile fading from his face.
Sho saw Masaki, standing in the door to the gym with one foot in the air, like he stopped making a step halfway staring at Sakurai with fear mixed with… happiness? No, Sho! Stop imagining stuff, there’s no way he still loves you after what you have done! The older student didn’t know how to act, so he just bit his lower lip and stared, trying to show all the guilt and love he felt hoping the latter will see at least a tiny bit of what was going inside his heart. Aiba just stood there, looking back in his senpai’s eyes and after a short while ran out the gym, letting the doors squeak loudly and shut with smack. It couldn’t happen in any other way, right? It was obvious and expected that Aiba will react like that. Sho couldn’t expect the younger one to jump happily and kiss him after the incident. Sakurai turned his mind off again, acting more like a robot than a human being. It was his protection from the reality and guilt; if it his him he would probably get the knife again and this time he would have the courage to cut his wrists. He stood up, took his half-empty bento box and bag and went to the classes, trying to concentrate on the English grammar. It wasn't an easy task but somewhere in the middle he finally managed to erase Masaki's face from his mind. Sho finally started to feel indifferent on everything around him; he didn't care about the rumors, the loneliness or even the big black hole in the place where his heart has been.
"Sakurai-kun!" Ohno's voice brought him back from the dead. "Can you come to my office and help me with one cabinet I have to move?" The doctor scratched his head, smiling shyly. Sho nodded and without any word went inside the office. Few minutes later the piece of furniture stood where it was supposed to and the student grabbed his bag, mumbling some incoherent goodbye.
"Wait, Sakurai-kun. I want to talk to you. Please, sit down." The boy nodded and sat on the settee. He knew well what will happen now. The older man will say that he called the police and that meant Sho will be arrested, no doubt about that. Maybe this way will be better? He will meet the same monsters; it's a place he should belong... Behind bars.
"I think you need help. No... I am sure about that. You should talk to someone, to professional."
"You want me to go to a head doctor?!" The student opened his eyes wide, shocked more because of the fact he was wrong.
"You should have done it a long time ago. Just when your mother was taken to the clinic. It is not to late though... Sakurai-kun, would you mind to talk with Tanaka-sensei?" Satoshi bit his lower lip, looking at the latter not sure how the boy will react. Sho looked down, clenching his hands in fists; he didn't want to talk with a person who is responsible for Kumiko's treatment, but on the other hand maybe it wasn't that bad idea? Tanaka-sensei knows the most about his situation, he also knows the student the best, so maybe that can make the treatment more effective?
"Sensei, you think I can be saved? Isn't it too late?"
"It would be, if you didn't regret what you have done. And I can see that all you wish is to turn back time. I would love to help you, but I am not a specialist."
"I... I have to go to Kobe on Thursday. I'll talk to the doctor then..." Sho smiled weakly, seeing the light in the darkness that was surrounding him. "Thank you, Sensei!" Sakurai smiled and grabbed his bag, dashing through the school back to his apartment. Getting hope back was the greatest feeling ever. Maybe except Masaki's kisses...
***
The hallway was dark and coldness was multiplied by white walls. Sho was sitting on the wooden chair in front of a door with big sign "Tanaka Daisuke”, nervously playing with his fingers. He came to Kobe earlier on purpose, wanting to talk with the doctor before going to Kumiko. After around half an hour later the psychologist came and frowned, surprised by the view.
"Sho-kun? Shouldn't you come here tomorrow? No... Don't tell me it's Thursday already!"
"No, no... I came earlier. I... I need to talk to you. It's important."
"Come in then..." Tanaka smiled and let the student inside his office. "Honestly I hoped you will come to me. I am really happy you decided to talk..." Sakurai was grateful that he didn't have to explain everything from a scratch. He wasn't sure how much Ohno managed to say, but that didn't matter anymore.
"I know I should have come earlier, but... I thought I will handle it by myself..."
"Sho-kun, you've come through many difficult situations in your life. Many people would break years ago but you are stronger than you think. I heard what you have done. Ohno-sensei told me about it. Calm down, I won't call the police even if I should." The doctor raised his hand showing that he didn't finish yet. "I believe that if that boy didn't alarm the authorities, I am nobody to do so either. I will gladly help you, but first I have to finish the lectures I have on Keio University next week. Can you wait till then?"
"Y-yes Sensei! I will wait!" Excited and happy Sho smiled widely. He felt like somebody took off a massive weight off his shoulders. It was only the beginning of the tough way, but he was sure he will manage.
"Then, till next week. I won't keep you here longer; I bet there is someone who wants to see you. Just don't be scared of the view... She tried to escape again." The older man sighed and wrote down something in his notebook. Sho bowed gently and left the office, shaking his head. He was torn between small happiness he felt because of the therapy he will start soon and the fear of how Kumiko looks like. The boy entered the room as if he was walking into the death cell. Slowly rising up his eyes he looked at the bed and gasped. The woman was tied up to bed, sleeping. She looked like a corpse; Sho didn't see her in that state, even in the worst times of her addiction. The boy's eyes filled up with tears and he had to leave or else he would end up sobbing.
The weather was quite nice so he decided to walk around the park and think. He was fully aware that one session won't help him and that he will have to talk a lot with Tanaka-sensei about everything that was going on in his mind. The biggest question was if this will help him to get Masaki back… Is it possible in the first place? Sighing he sat on the bench and took his cell phone out of his pocket. He read few last mails from Aiba; even though he memorized them already he was absorbing every word again, smiling. Remembering the time they spent together he got excited again and without thinking twice he wrote I... want to see you smile again, Masaki and hit the send button. Just then he realized what he did and gasped, covered mouth with his hand and quietly cursed his stupidity. Sho put the phone next to him on the seat and his heart skipped a beat when he heard his message ring tone.
Getting hope back was a great feeling. Just as receiving a mail from Masaki.