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[karendammit]

I went to my friend's visitation last night and her funeral today. When we were 14, I was not nice to her. She wanted to be in my group of friends and be my friend especially. We rejected her. In an attempt to try to fit in, she was obnoxious. Having little insight at that age, our reaction was even more rejection. She did some stuff that got

Comments

[x_mass]

I don't know if the last post took so

this isn't meant to be hurtful but

when are you going to forgive your-self?

i have found it much much easier to forgive than be forgiven and the hardest thing i have found is to forgive my-self

[karendammit]

You're not being hurtful and that's an excellent question, in fact. I took some time to think about it. Regarding my treatment of Tabatha and most all others, I've forgiven myself. To be honest, I never felt all that guilty about any of my behaviors. I was a kid. A shy kid. I was hard to get to know and found various ways to distance myself from others. I don't blame my 14 year old self for being unwise. I was mostly sweet with a few bad behaviors. But I still felt I owed her an apology and I feel good having done so. I don't think I have anything to forgive myself for. However.... my treatment of my friend Anna could have been better. We both made mistakes but I wish I could undo things I did. I still feel as if I could have directly prevented her death if I would have taken certain actions. This is the one thing I have not forgiven myself for and I don't even want to. I think I should have to suffer for it for the rest of my life. Being mean to Tabatha and others is really small scale compared to my poor decision