Guests for Dinner (opening)

[karibbeanbloo]

Comments

[smilingbastard]

Um, at the moment a big suggestion would be to somehow make two paragraphs out of the middle paragraph. It's good with all the description, but really hard to read.

[karibbeanbloo]

Duly noted, and done!

[puziesunited]

Yes! But re-read because there are missing things like "All it too was" instead of what it should be: "All it took was". And you used the wrong tail/tale. This Jeremy McPhee sounds like a curly-haired, curious, awkward boy who likes sports and probably has a crush but has never been with a girl before. Amazing how all that can be gotten from one funny name and the ingenuous way he comes to the cave!

[karibbeanbloo]

I am terrible typist, yes. I just caught both of those while editing it XD But that's sort of how I think he is, so I guess that was a good name choice after all for five seconds of thought.