Moving On.
I've been home from work a little less than an hour--business was steady tonight, but sales were not great. I'll go in tomorrow morning and do it all again. The routine of work is getting depressing--I seem to work mostly when I'd like to be spending time with other people. Like my friends. Or my boyfriend.
I find myself increasingly saddened by the approaching move of my big brother. As different as we've become now that we're older, I can't help but feel that he'll always know me a little better than most. I couldn't help but be a little sad when I was holding the baby today, knowing that once he moves, the date of his return will be...indefinite. Kaidan (Taidan, as Devin says) has become more important to me than I even thought possible. He's so beautiful. And sweet, and content. And he makes me feel content, too. I watched him play with Ben today, it was so neat. He's always changing and realizing new things. He'll start talking soon. He can already walk if you hold his hands. He can eat like a champ.
I was sitting with my brother on the porch for a few moments before I went to work today, and he said to me "I know you're worried about me, but I promise that i'll take care of us. You think that I make hasty decisions, and maybe that's true, but I think i've just figured some things out that you haven't. That's all." He went on to talk about how the best thing a person can do is get married and have a family--that it shows something about the family that they come from and the people that they are.
I think it's pretty grand to have a family. I'm glad I don't have one now, though. There is so much to do and so much to learn. For one second, however, he really made me feel like I wasn't living up to my potential. It felt weird. I told him that I hope i'll make a good Mom and Wife for someone, someday. I just am not there now.
This whole situation makes me feel so homesick. And I can't figure out why because i'm sitting here in the same chair I always have, being myself. My Mom is upstairs in bed, just like she should be. Dad is asleep on the couch. Somewhere in my heart, I know it's time to move on. That's so bizarre.
I had a nice weekend--chilled with the friends and Ben and my family--just the right combination. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many people that are so wonderful and care so much.
In closing, some words from the brilliant Pablo Neruda, as I currently seem incapable of writing anything myself.
No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.
EDIT: Also, looking at the Teach for America website wigs me out a little bit. I'm really not used to the idea of this growing up schnap.
I find myself increasingly saddened by the approaching move of my big brother. As different as we've become now that we're older, I can't help but feel that he'll always know me a little better than most. I couldn't help but be a little sad when I was holding the baby today, knowing that once he moves, the date of his return will be...indefinite. Kaidan (Taidan, as Devin says) has become more important to me than I even thought possible. He's so beautiful. And sweet, and content. And he makes me feel content, too. I watched him play with Ben today, it was so neat. He's always changing and realizing new things. He'll start talking soon. He can already walk if you hold his hands. He can eat like a champ.
I was sitting with my brother on the porch for a few moments before I went to work today, and he said to me "I know you're worried about me, but I promise that i'll take care of us. You think that I make hasty decisions, and maybe that's true, but I think i've just figured some things out that you haven't. That's all." He went on to talk about how the best thing a person can do is get married and have a family--that it shows something about the family that they come from and the people that they are.
I think it's pretty grand to have a family. I'm glad I don't have one now, though. There is so much to do and so much to learn. For one second, however, he really made me feel like I wasn't living up to my potential. It felt weird. I told him that I hope i'll make a good Mom and Wife for someone, someday. I just am not there now.
This whole situation makes me feel so homesick. And I can't figure out why because i'm sitting here in the same chair I always have, being myself. My Mom is upstairs in bed, just like she should be. Dad is asleep on the couch. Somewhere in my heart, I know it's time to move on. That's so bizarre.
I had a nice weekend--chilled with the friends and Ben and my family--just the right combination. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many people that are so wonderful and care so much.
In closing, some words from the brilliant Pablo Neruda, as I currently seem incapable of writing anything myself.
No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.
Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.
EDIT: Also, looking at the Teach for America website wigs me out a little bit. I'm really not used to the idea of this growing up schnap.