life goes on (1/?)
Chapter one
Luke was having a bad day, not that that was anything new. He couldn’t remember the last time he smiled or laughed sincerely. Or he could, but that was before….. Before all his hopes and dreams for his future with his new boyfriend Reid was destroyed within minutes. He still couldn’t believe how sudden life could change. One minute he was happy, and so, so proud of his new boyfriend, telling his friends Alison and Casey that he was in love. Not in so many words, maybe, but his body language spoke for him, loud and clear! The next minute, he was almost run over by the paramedics as they brought a severely wounded man to the ER. It had taken him a second to realize just who it was, and after that…….. Everything happened so fast, and yet it felt like he was moving under water; every move was a struggle, every word or sound was muffled by it.
That was five months ago. Today. And today, of all days, his parents had announced to him they were getting engaged, again. He had smiled at them, congratulated them and told them he was happy for them, but his smile never really made it to his eyes. He quickly excused himself, telling them he had some paperwork to look over for an early board meeting the next day, and went up to his room. He was thankful they seem to know better than to ask any questions about it and leave him alone, but it still kind of hurt that they didn’t seem to remember what today was.
So there he was looking at a bottle of vodka he had stolen from his parents, on the same day, three months ago.
It wasn’t the first time, and wouldn’t be the last time he would hide up in his room just staring at the bottle. And every time he did, he could almost hear Reids voice in his head;”don’t be an idiot, Luke” ”you think this will make it okay? ” or ”you better take care of that kidney of yours….”
That did it.
Every time!
Sometime it was like he took the bottle out from its hiding place in the back of his closet, jus to stare at it so he could hear that voice in his head.
Maybe he shouldn’t expect them to remember, or anyone else for that matter. The first three months had passed so quickly, and at that time people still seemed to remember what Reid did, still telling him what a ‘hero’ he was. He had smiled and agreed, but, really he resented them for it.
But now, that they all seemed to have forgotten that there even had been a Dr. Reid Oliver living in this town, he almost missed that, missed the sympathetic looks he got. Now, everybody seemed to expect him to “go back to normal” whatever that would be? And Luke Snyder would oblige, off course he would. Throwing himself into his work, taking care of everyone, but himself. Wearing a mask, making it easier for people to be around him without feeling like walking on eggshells.
In a way, it worked, keeping himself busy, keeping away his thoughts. But it was also terrifying, what if he himself started to forget, like everyone else? The first time after his death it was still so resent, he had still so many things to take care of regarding Reid.
His Grandmother Lucinda wanted to honor Reid’s name, so they had been working on a fellowship in his name. That had helped him a little along the way. He really needed Reid’s name to be remembered. He needed Dr. Oliver to be remembered.So he had made it his mission to make sure that the doctors brain child; the Neurological wing, would be the best facilities in the country.Sometimes Luke could almost fool himself to think that Reid was still among them and could walk in the door any time, or call him any time. More than once had he picked up the phone and called his number, listening to his outgoing message; “This is Dr.Oliver. I’m obviously too busy to answer your call, so leave a message after the beep, and if you’re lucky I might just take the time to call you back.”
But as the months passed, it was harder and harder to hold on to him. Even the scent of him in one of his shirts, which Luke kept hanging neatly in his closet, had faded away.
And today, only five months after his tragic accident, even his parents seemed to have forgotten…..
Luke stared at the bottle again. Lately when he heard Reid’s voice in his head, he kept thinking if that was in fact really what Reid voice had sounded like.
And that thought scared him more than anything!
He picked up the bottle, he had never had the urge to open it, and take a sip like tonight. Bumping in to Chris and Katie earlier that day along with his parents ‘happy news ‘ seemed to top things off.
It was getting harder and harder to be around Chris these days. At first it was very important for Luke that the heart transplant was a success that Reid’s heart would keep beating, it still was, of course, but he couldn’t help feeling some resentment towards the man. He knew Katie deserved to be happy, but what about him? And then he somehow blamed Chris for what happened. Not the accident itself that was all Reid. But, if Chris had just gotten help earlier, -from someone else, Reid wouldn’t be tangled up in that mess, and Luke and Reid would have spent time together like any new couple falling in love should.
Even the last minutes they spent together in the ER were all about Chris, and getting him that damn heart!
He was just about to open the bottle, but then suddenly something made him stop. It was just a feeling, a sense of a present or something, but no one was in the room with him.
But instead of open it, he lay on the bed, wearing Reid’s shirt, he did that sometimes, when he needed to remember, to hold on to him, and clung to the bottle like a child with their favourite stuffed animal. Seeking comfort that way .Almost like he was afraid to let go of it, like if he did, he might jus open it after all.
He just laid there curled up, tears running slowly down his face. It felt like hours, and everything was blurry, he was almost asleep, but whispered through his tears; “I just miss you so much”
A small breeze brushed trough the room……………… “I miss you too, Luke….”