sicksicksick.
So yesterday, I don't know why, but after lunch, I started getting dizzy. Like, just randomly, for no reason, I got out of a chair, and I had to sit back down again because WHOA. I couldn't focus at all during class and while I was walking the usual half hour to get home from school, I was staring at the ground the entire time because I couldn't look at the cars. And my arm randomly fell asleep. I'm used to it happening to my legs when I sit with my legs crossed for too long, but my arm was just dangling there and than BAM. Then it went away. Then it came back. Then I spent most of my time at home horizontal and I fell asleep which meant that I had to stay up late to do homework, which was a stupid idea, because today, I'm STILL dizzy and I still have no idea why. My parents think it's from lack of sleep, but honestly, I have stayed up waaaaay later than I have lately on a school night and I was tired, big whoop. But this is dizziness and it's... honestly, it's a lot scarier.
Okay, maybe I lied. I have a hunch about why I've been so dizzy lately, but that's mostly because I watch TV when I'm sick, and SVU did an episode about this. So. The truth (or my guess at it anyway): I stopped taking my OCD/depression meds. I ran out, and neither me nor my parents have made any effort to refill my prescription. And mentally, I can feel it taking its toll again, but I have my reasons for not wanting to take them anymore, and I guess my parents have theirs because they haven't said anything. I guess this is what withdrawal feels like?
Ugh, I turned on my laptop to work on my essay, but I can't focus at all right now. Like, I am literally writing this blog post sideways, because I'm lying on my bed with my cheek against the pillow. I'm tired, and I didn't even want to go to school today, but I didn't want my teacher to think I was skipping because I hadn't done my homework, so I showed up, and left during third period after I'd handed it in, because I honestly couldn't take it anymore. We weren't even doing anything, just watching presentations, but I wasn't even watching, just listening, and barely that, because I've been away from school so often what with the play and university stuff, and it's all this shit is due, and i don't want my teachers to think I'm a flop, because I'm not and can you see why I need meds, I can't STOP once I start. And I have another assignment due tomorrow, and I don't want him to think I didn't do it either, because I am totally trying to work on it, but I am honestly just so exhausted which makes no sense because as soon as I came home I slept, but I'm still so fucking dizzy and nothing's helping.
Ugh, my teacher is nice, and he's totally joked with us about the stupid shit he did in uni, but I'm NOT doing stupid shit, but he's probably gonna think I am because I'm not there, and I can't stand this, It's driving me insane, and it was already hard enough writing the essay with my physical problems but now my mental problems are kicking in and I hate this. This time of the year is so fucking crucial, I know I already enrolled in uni, but they can always kick me out. And I hate how paranoid I'm getting, I hate that I can't run or even take a walk to clear my mind like I usually do but I can't because those things take time, and I can't stay upright long enough to clear my head before all the thoughts come back, and it sucks.
I honestly do not want to go to school tomorrow. even if I can sit through the classes, walking home is gonna be a bitch and there is no way I can stand in a crowded bus while it jolts around the entire time. my teacher is probably going to make a joke about how i probably didn't do my essay and he's probably gonna make fun of me when I come back, but hey, i'll just pretend that it doesn't really affect me, like i'm a normal person for once. ugh.