Ranting ahead
My father...
He thinks he's my personal therapist. He thinks there are things I need to 'get out' or off my chest or what the hell ever. I don't. I'm a person who is honest about themselves. I see all of my faults. I know about them. I don't deny them.
1. I'm probably not the world's greatest mother. I was never mother material and I try what I can. I suck honestly but still...I try.
2. I'd be lost without my internet connect. Why? Because it's the only link I have. My father asks me why that is...well for one they took the car I had, signed their name to the title and traded it in. Then they don't even let me co-sign :D. So the car that WAS mine is no longer mine... I have nothing.
He likes to remind me constantly that without them I would be homeless on the street with nothing. I don't need reminding....it's on my mind constantly. I hate being dependant. I hate it more than -anything-. I hate myself more than I like myself. Maybe because I'm too honest with myself. I know what I need to do, but really I can never find the motivation to -do- it. I'm apathetic about life. I've been that way for going on two years now. I hate who I am but I don't have the motivation to change it.
So then my mother comes out and asks why my nose is red, I ofcourse won't tell it's because I cried...that my father drove me to tears of frustrated anger, because he never lets me defend myself, he'd rather rip me to shreds. So I tell her it's just allergies and I smile at her and go back inside. They would just fight if I said otherwise.
So I get back on my computer, my children sleeping peacefully and wonder just what the fuck I'm doing in life. My father told me tonight that he wants to die. I told him I understand that feeling all to well. He tells me I can't because I'm not old enough, I haven't been anywhere or seen anything. I remind him that I have been places and experienced things he never will. I've wanted to die on more than one instance and if it wasn't for my children I wouldn't be sitting here typing this. I would have ended it years ago. I'm still here and sometimes I still wish I could die but I know my kid's lives would be worse if I did... much worse and I would never -never- do that to them. I owe them and love them to much to give them that kind of future.
And if you read this I'm sorry for the rambling...just me getting things off of my mind...