Comments | kashivoltimand: BRIDGETS FLAMBE`~ "OLD SCHOOL" POST

kashivoltimand

BRIDGETS FLAMBE`~ "OLD SCHOOL" POST

May 24, 2009 21:03

I got so excited when I saw the topic this week that I knocked over my lemonade!

On the way to the store to buy a new keyboard I realized that I should go to MY OLD SCHOOL and check on old Mrs. Lancaster and the gang ( Read more... )

marisa, uruguay, spaceship, old school, shiiiiiiiiny, bill, fractured pelvis

Comments 14

desert_rose May 31 2009, 08:29:52 UTC

Love you, Kashi- you always make me smile! ;-)
Thanks for this, I miss your writing! I hope you're back more often!! :-)

kashivoltimand June 1 2009, 18:55:54 UTC

THANK YOU!!!!!!! Competing next month!1!!

desert_rose June 1 2009, 19:19:43 UTC

YES!!! I'll keep at you to make sure you do, girl!!!

aquarius_galuxy June 2 2009, 11:37:25 UTC

Oooh this was interesting! I like the run-on sentences, it makes the speaker sound really excited, and I like how the "space ship" finally turned out to be a lawnmower, and how you've explained what happened after in those brackets. =D

kashivoltimand August 18 2009, 05:00:09 UTC

I WAS excited!!!! My hands trembled while I was typing and remembering!

aquarius_galuxy August 18 2009, 06:51:58 UTC

=O Wow, I've never been that excited, it must've been quite an experience!

bluebirds_sing June 2 2009, 14:59:50 UTC

Oohhh! I like this! Very glad to be your ROAR supporter this week.
It was fun to read. Yeah, too bad that spry Mrs. Wellington had to hurry away. :D
Your writing is fresh and makes for a great reading.
*Marisa found it!!! And WHOOOSH! KABLAM! KAZOWIIEEEE! THERE IT GOES! Without us. Just like that boy. Poor Marisa!!!!!!!!! First her boyfreiend, then her toe ring, then my space ship I got her to cheer her up.* This line was gorgeous. The onomatopoeic echo of the words (such as the use of the snap shots) has a Futurist rhythm that is very enjoyable.
Thank you for sharing with us!
Tina

kashivoltimand August 18 2009, 05:01:08 UTC

I'm glad you like it Tina! It's fun to share my stories when I can!

mistrali1 June 3 2009, 05:38:32 UTC

we manned the good ship Bumblebee I thought this was cute.
Also liked the whole run-on feel of the piece, and the lawnmower-spaceship. Keep it up!

kashivoltimand August 18 2009, 05:01:27 UTC

The run ons worked! Thank you!

Editor amri June 3 2009, 18:28:54 UTC

Hi-

I'm filling in for one of the editors this week. I wanted to start out saying the my suggestions are just that - suggestions. Now on to the piece!

It's very playful and I love the light tone of the work. It is generic enough to reach all the readers and bring out school memories and unique enough to want the reader to read more!

As much fun as the run on sentences are, they make it very difficult to read. I found myself being tripped up more often than not and have to reread the work.

I also have one more little suggestion. In the beginning you mentioned your sister being worried about her credit score. Using that phrase, you age the narrator and the sister beyond school years. It left me wondering what time period in the school years you were telling and which parts were part of the past.

I thought this was a cute funny story. I love the sound effects and the enthusiasm you showed in the writing.

Good luck!

Re: Editor amorvincitnos June 9 2009, 04:13:59 UTC

Hi there -- another editor, sorry for the lateness.

I have to agree about the run-on sentences; what I would suggest is limiting them. If you use fewer, it can be more comedic/effective when you do so, and easier to follow. The fragmented phrases had an exceptional voice, too, so I wouldn't be afraid to use them.

I also agree on the aging issue, but I would further it to saying that the piece is a little confusing as per the narrator. The narrator's voice seems spunky and young (and certainly uses grammar to that effect, as per the above thoughts) but sometimes, the vocabulary/phrasing extends itself in such a way that it seems older, and the tone is confusing. (I think it came to me mostly in the end, with "which" and "spry.") Maybe just keep that in mind when you look things over.

Otherwise, I think you did a really good job with the form of this and it was pretty dang cute. :) Thanks for your submission!

Re: Editor kashivoltimand August 28 2009, 20:22:22 UTC

Thank you for the comments about my sentence length! It sounds like I'm doing the right thing, I just need to be more careful with the technique!

I'll work on my vocabulary! That's going to be a tough one for me that I might not be able to fix the first chance, but I'll keep it in mind!

Thank you for your edit! *Squish!!!*

Re: Editor kashivoltimand August 28 2009, 20:20:31 UTC

OOO, good catch with the credit score! I'll have to fix that!

Thank you for your suggestions! This is hard to edit, as I know I break a lot of rules on purpose!