My Return
Hello to all my friends;
Although my absence has been too long, it may have done some good. WARNING!!!: I'm about to get Pankey-Emo, so proceed at your own risk.
As I mentioned before, I decided to take a hiatus from socializing to concentrate on school. Unfortunately, I kept trying to work seven days a week, while attending classes six days a week. Trying to work until 3 AM twice a week, getting home at 3:30, going to bed at 4:30 and waking up at 7 for an 8 AM class did not go well. Although I would write down my assignments everyday, I would forget about them as soon as I drove off campus. Ever since my accident, my short-term memory has been shot. I don't remember much about life before my accident, so it could be that I never had any short-term memory.
Anyway, I'm not pouring myself out because I want sympathy or people to understand me. I've just begun to realize that I keep alot of stuff that happens to me to myself. I have a hard time trusting people. I think I figure if I tell friends what is going on with me emotionally or physically (to a moderate extent, not a gross,personal one), they would have the power to ruin me. After what I went through with my parents when I was growing-up, I never want anyone to have any possibility of control over me again. It's hard to trust people even when they have proven themselves trustworthy time and time again. For all my friends, I'm sorry. This is a personal flaw and in no way has anything to do with our friendships at all. Everyone in my life now (with a few exceptions) has been chosen for various reasons. But you are all beautiful, wonderful, heart-warming, trustworthy people. I am truly blessed to be surround by such a network of love and support. May the Goddess continue to bless all of you each and every day.
My classes for this semester will end next week. I think I have a definite chance of passing three of the four. I'm a horrible procrastinator and a lazy sot. I put everything off until the very last possible second and then, occasionally, push it beyond. I skipped classes, didn't pay attention when I was there, honestly forgot to do homework, never tried to study for tests, and simply didn't write papers I couldn't write because I was too proud to ask for help. I don't understand me. Not understanding me makes me depressed. When I get depressed, I eat. After I eat, I feel guilty because I ate instead of trying to get healthy and NOT eat. Then I get depressed even more. I've gotten to the point where if I could afford it, I would get my jaw wired shut. I want so badly to be pretty and thin. I hate myself every time I have to look in the mirror. I'm so far down in a hole of misery, shame and self-loathing that I can't see the opening anymore. I don't believe there will ever be a way out.
I warned you I was going to be emo.
I don't want sympathy. I don't want people asking me if I'm okay. If I want to talk. If I think I should get help or be medicated to get better. I don't want people to try and tell me it will be okay. NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY!!!! I feel like I can't even find the pieces to try to pick up my life. I know there are things I need to do every day, but all I want to do is curl into a ball in bed and waste away. Idon't want to do this anymore. I'm so tired of trying to see the bright side. I live for my friends, becaue I know if I tried to live for me, I wouldn't get up again.
Let me make something absolutely clear. I'M NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF. I just have to let this out of me. The voices inside my head are screaming and I can't make them stop. My heart hurts so much I want to cry, but I don't have the tears. Life shouldn't be this hard. Haven't I been through enough already. How much does one person have to go through in one lifetime?
A friend of mine has recently begun to fight his own battles with various illnesses. I haven't told him lately but I am so proud of him for standing up, stepping into the light and beginning to fight his demons. I want to be that strong, but I don't feel worthy. I just want to stop hating myself. I know I'm not a bad person, but I have convinced myself that I will never be good enough for anyone.
I think I just need to get busy again. If I'm too busy working, reading and planning things, I'm too busy to be inside my head. I don't know.
The good news was that I might at least pass three of my four classes. I think I've given up on Astronomy. I just messed up too many times to try and save it now. I'll retake it next semester because I really want to pass the class. I'm smart enough; I just need to focus.